Sungjae did not know exactly when things started to go wrong with them, but he knew why. Now, looking at the man who sat at the other side of their waiting room, he could not help but feel guilty.
Things have been awkward for a while now. Well, scratch that. It’s been way more than a while. He knew when. Even if he could not pint point a date, it had started around the time the manager decided to send him to that goddamned program.
He loved Joy, do not get him wrong. They’re very good friends, she even recommended him to be her partner on her new beer endorsement. Things were fine with her. The problem was the reason why he got there.
When their manager called him to a meeting and told him that he had to go to help promote the group and because he was being too affectionate to a certain member he knew that nothing good could come from that.
You see, he and Ilhoon had been together for years. They had officially became a thing not so long after debut. Of course it was something only the both of them knew for a while, they did not dare say to anyone, not even Eunkwang. And this could have worked just fine if Sungjae had played along. That was he said they would do when Ilhoon decided to be a skinship hater on the public's eyes from then on.
But Sungjae did not hate skinship. And he knew Ilhoon did not either. So it was very, very hard for him to not touch his boyfriend every time he could. Everyone should be thankful they were not making out like they did back in the dorms when they had five minutes alone.
So he kept being clingy and affectionate. He tried to balance this out, clinging to the others members too. But it was different.
They did not make his eyes shine like Ilhoon did. They could not had his full attention like him. They could not even make him search for their touch like he did with Ilhoon. No, no one had the same effect.
And he knew this was like that on both sides. He noticed, as time went by, that Ilhoon had a special look and smile he would give to Sungjae and Sungjae only. And his touches, even if way more controlled than Sungjae’s, were very different and more meaningful that it was with others. It’s not that he did not love them – they were like family to him. But, again: it was different.
Now, almost one year after Ilhoon came to Sungjae apologizing for making people say bad things about him, questioning his uality and blaming himself for a bad thing that did not even happen yet, Sungjae was still feeling.
He felt the pain, exactly like he did when he heard that. He felt the sadness, that insisted in staying even if it was unwanted. And he felt the love. Strong, unchanging and fervent, like it was years before. It was becoming unbearable to him.

××××

They were about to go home after all their schedules ended. But Sungjae knew he could not just go without sorting this out. He meant to do this for months but now that felt urgent, probably because what was supposed to be their anniversary was about to come. He could not handle spent that date feeling like that.
When he called Ilhoon and said he wanted to have dinner with him, only the both of them, the smaller looked at him in a very sad way, and he could see himself in those eyes. He did not know if they felt exactly the same – did Ilhoon even feel the same for him at all? He could not say. But he could understand the sadness. A break up is a break up, after all. Imagine breaking up with your bandmate who is also one of your best friends? He totally understood.
Ilhoon accepted his invitation, sadness involved or not, and asked Sungjae where they were going. “My house, if you don’t mind” was the youngest answer. The other shook his head. No, he did not mind.

××××

It has been months since Sungjae moved to his new apartment, but it was the first time Ilhoon went there. He was looking around in silence, his face blank.
While Sungjae cooked for them he wondered what was inside the others mind. Did he like it? Did he find it horrible? Was he thinking about how would it look if things had been different and they were still together? The last one was the one that stayed the most in Sungjae’s mind. He sighed.
“It’s beautiful.” Ilhoon said, coming to sit on one of the chairs of the kitchen’s table. “Suits your style very well.”
“Thanks” was all Sungjae answered. “Dinner’s almost ready. Wanna drink something?” he asked, not letting the silence grow and swallow them into awkwardness – witch happened too often to his liking. As Ilhoon agreed he got them two glasses and the best wine he had on his small wine house.
“That’s fancy” Ilhoon said, looking at the bottle's label. “What’s the occasion? First dinner, now a expensive wine.” He smiled a little. Sungjae’s heart skipped a beat.
He did not answer. Instead he grabbed plates and chopsticks for them, bringing the food right after.
They ate mostly in silence, it was only broken by the sound of chopsticks hitting on plates and Ilhoon complimenting both the food and the wine. Sungjae was mute. After dinner Ilhoon offered to do the dishes while Sungjae was resting comfortably. Well, at least he looked comfortable. Inside he was screaming, pulling on his hair and biting his own fists.
It was too cozy. It felt like it was a common thing between them. It was all he ever wanted and could not have because they both were young and dumb. And it made him sad.
“I’m so sorry” he mumbled without even thinking. Ilhoon only looked at him, a little bit confused. He said nothing but Sungjae knew it was his clue to elaborate and explain what he meant. And that was exactly what he did.
“I’m sorry for us. I miss us. I miss what he could've had. And I’m sorry for letting you think any of this was your fault, Iroonie” he said, feeling his throat get tighter and his vision get blurry. He heard when Ilhoon stopped washing the dishes and he saw the way he tensed up.
Again, without thinking much, Sungjae got up and started to walk. One, two, three steps. He stopped, already feeling the warmth coming from the other’s back. He slowly hugged the other, sliding his arms on the slim waist and holding tight.
One. Two. Three. And more fifhteen seconds passed before Ilhoon showed the first reaction.
“I’m sorry” was all he said. Sungjae heard the cry on his voice. He turned the smaller man around, wanting to face him but he kept looking down. Sungjae placed one of his hands on the other’s chin, making him look up only to be met with closed eyes.
Don’t think, Sungjae thought to himself. He closed the distance between them. A peck. Two seconds. And he pulled away.
Now Ilhoon was sobbing. And Sungjae was confused.
“Why are you crying?” he asked the other, who now was trying to break free from his embrace. Sungjae only held tighter, not wanting to let go. “Please, just answer”.
“Sungjae I… I can’t.” was what he got. He did not let go. He needed more, he deserved that. “I miss us too and I wish things were different but they’re not. We’re still idols, I’m still the one who could’ve ruined your image and we still can’t do this” Ilhoon said in a rush, feeling the arms on his waist let go suddenly. He felt cold.
Sungjae took a few steps back, turned around, grabbed his glass and the wine and walked out, sitting on the sofa of the living room. Ilhoon followed him, aiming for the door, but he stopped on his tracks when he heard a soft “Stay”.
He turned around only to find Sungjae’s teary eyes looking at him. “Let’s pretend” he continued “Just tonight let’s pretend we’re not who we are. Let’s be normal, just tonight” Sungjae said, his tone almost pleading. Ilhoon felt his heart in pain. “Tomorrow we can go back to… whatever it is. But please, stay for tonight.” Sungjae finished, closing his eyes as tears fell down.
It was too much. It was all too much. Ilhoon felt everything at that moment. Every feeling he had suppressed, every thought he pretended not to have, every desire he had held on the back of his heart because he knew he could not have that. He felt it all. And, after a long time, he let himself feel.
One, two, three large steps. He grabbed the other’s face on his hands and kissed him. One, two, three. He kissed back.
It was not awkward or sloppy or passionate. It was sad, it held too many feelings, to many things to be sorry for, too many blaming, too much love that have been held back for so long.
They did not remember going to Sungjae’s room. They did not remember laying on bed or anything that happened after. It was all physical and that night was not about physical things.
No, it was about their feelings. It was about all the years they had, from trainee days to that one, from when they first laid their eyes on each other to when they confessed, from their first date to their last fight. From the first time they made love to that one.
Cause right there and then, when they made love all night, they knew it was their last. They knew all the unspoken words. It did not matter how much they wanted that, how much they loved each other. They could not have what they wanted.
On the next morning, when Sungjae woke up to an empty bed and cold sheets, he felt lighter. It was not happiness, as he could not have happiness without what he wanted the most. But he felt almost good, like he had freed himself from the worst.
Far away from that, on a taxi moving to the other side of the city, Ilhoon felt his heart being crushed inside his chest. Things were supposed to be different. He should have said and done more. He should have made things differently. He should.
One, two, three. At the same time, in different places, two men cried.