‘To be loved, one must learn to give love.’

The ocean breeze whispers like a lover, placing salty kisses on her cheek and tousling her long lob auburn hair. On days like this it playfully fills the sails of the harbour boats, flutters their flags and pushes along the clouds. She smile back and stretch out her bare hand like a star-fish to feel it wrap around her fingers. But She never forget that this breeze is just a mere hint of its power, that when roused it can toss whole ships like toys to smash on the rocks. Sometimes she come here when the wind is driving the waves to crash as far as the road, sending white spray high in the air. Then it coats her eyelashes in salt and roars so loud no other sound can penetrate. But today the breeze tells of only sweetness and joy. She stand here content, whole, happy for some reason.

 The sensation as she walks on sand feels like it’s a million molecules of Earth beads massaging her foot all at once. It’s a tickly, gripply sand sensation. It’s big piles of small cubes hugging and comforting her tired and sore and broken sole.

 And yeah sure, the sand wedges itself up into her toenails, dusts up in her toe-knuckle hair, and coats the bottom of her feet like butter on toast. It could be annoying for some to clean up afterwards, but it didn’t matter to her for she feels strangely alive. These kind of places are what she longed for when days are rough. It’s her favorite hideout, a place to let go all her worries away.

 ‘Babe.’

 Emily snaps out of her daydream and turns to the voice on her left, where she stands. It belongs to her husband, Ian. Their eyes meet. She examines his face. He look pale. His dark hazelnut eyes, sparkling. Is he crying? Ian didn’t say anything nor did Emily. Their eyes became their mouths. With no one talking, it created a long silence between them and sudden flashbacks came through.

 The two dated nearly ten years, but it felt like they’ve known forever. To most liked food, pet peeves, favorite color, size of shoe, you name it. They share everything and have been through everything. Emily could tell when Ian wasn’t feeling himself just by one look in his eyes. It was the same for Ian. However Emily was much more precise and accurate on guessing Ian’s feelings. He was her other half, and so was she. Regardless on taste buds and other little dissimilarity, they fitted each other like Yin and Yang, peas and carrot, and two halves of a whole.

 He couldn’t lie to her about anything. This proves how much attention she puts on him. A lot. Her instincts were always right.

‘You’re so easy to read,’ she’d say with a giggle at the end.

 Ian would roll his eyes, cross his arms and mutters slowly on how unfair he felt that his girl know almost everything about him without him telling her. Too much that he cannot hide his feelings and that he wanted to also read her easily. Ian didn’t also like the fact Emily can foretell other peoples actions or reactions too. In other words, it also meant she could read their minds. He wanted to be special. He wanted her to only go through his mind. No one elses.

 ‘Oh silly, I admit that I do read people effortlessly. That’s what I like about you dummy. I can read you like a book. But you know, out of all the books i have met. You’re the only book i keep. And the only book I intend to own,’ Emily would reply and Ian would be grinning like a Cheshire cat.

 This boy she met back in April 2018, had changed her in many ways. You see, falling in love seemed easy. Just fall. The end. Happily ever after. That’s what Disney taught us. Yet, no one gave lessons on how to start the first conversation, approaching the person, and overcome problems in a relationship. What? You thought being in love, life would be all cupcakes and rainbows? Well, there’s no rainbow without rain. Emily was the type of girl who was wary. Very cautious.

 She has made a mistake in her past and broke an innocent heart. That was her first time being in a relationship, and she failed it. She didn’t failed in love, she failed the love. Get it? It was a relationship that she wasn’t into from the start. She was too young, naif and was desperate to feel loved. She started the relationship, made the boy love her, and broke the bond in the end. Knowing how heartbroken she made her ex, she felt guilt running through her veins every time she remembers about him. It haunted her to give out love. She made up her mind; Love is terrifying.

 Boyfriend to Husband is what every girl wished for. The problem was time. Emily had broken up with her ex back in March a month before meeting Ian. It took weeks before she could accept Ian. The length of time wasn’t because she couldn’t move on from her ex, it was because she was afraid karma would hit her and that Ian wasn’t the right person for her; true love.

 After weeks of playing yes or no through her mind and with encouragement from a friend who introduced Ian to her, Emily said yes. Why? Because Ian had obedient child vibes, meaning he is a good son and for bonus had manners in approaching her. What’s so wrong to give the boy a chance, she thought. Since Ian had feelings for her first, all Emily had to do was like him back. That was phase one in a relationship, obviously.

Creating the bond.

 To love someone sincerely is something amazing. To feel purely loved is astounding. Despite his so-so looks, Ian’s a funny guy, caring, understanding and truly comfortable to be around. It felt like heavens gave Emily the lucky charm; meeting her perfect man for her future. To have meet our soulmate early is something that not every one gets. Time was right. Her decision in accepting Ian into her life was the greatest thing she ever made. He completed her life.

 How special he is to her, even if she was given a chance with the world’s most hottest,handsome males, she’d still choose Ian. He was a bundle of happiness for Emily. It almost felt like; if there’s even a slight chance at getting something that will make you happy, risk it. Life’s too short and happiness is rare.

 There had been good times and bad times. Luckily the two tuck in far back their ego. That was one of the keys for a longer relationship. What Emily likes about Ian the most was how he calmly handles issues especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Ian taught Emily a lot most importantly; handling her emotions.

 For she wasn’t the only one changing, Ian also evolved from the guy who hated all those giddy romantic actions to craving them. That was just one of it. Honestly, the two had each other learn something from themselves. This is what a relationship is all about; teaching us to forgive, re-fix ourselves and change for the better.

 Emily knew he was it. My future husband, the one where my children will call ‘daddy’ one day and the person who will guide me to heavens. Now you may ask, how could she be so sure?

Fear

Yes. Her fear and trepidation of losing Ian. Before meeting him, she was afraid of only two things;

1. Losing faith in God.
2. Losing her parents.

Now Ian’s in her list of fears. Which meant a good thing; He’s also in her list of loved ones. Only God knows how she felt for this man. She appreciates and thank God; for every morning she wakes, and knowing he’d reply her texts, for every day after work coming home, and hearing him say “I’m home” safely back into her arms. Being in love with Ian, made her think a lot. Which is a good thing. She was never picky on choosing her partner anyways. She loves him for him and that’s just it. To love someone, specific reasons are not necessarily needed. Because the feelings are just there, blossoming with sincerity.

Love with your heart, not your eyes

She appreciate the love God gave Ian to choose to have feelings for her. For she knew the heart is owned by God, and the mutual feelings are created by Him too. If their love story is written in the stars. God wills it. Love is also a gift from Him. It isn’t just love between couples , but also love for parents and friends. See? With Ian, she values every human being that comes in her life. That’s why being with him, she felt more contented than she had ever felt in her life. So it was true;

Happiness will come to those who appreciates what they have

 ‘What are you doing here?’ Ian broke the silence. His soft voice, pulls her from her train of thoughts back to reality. Before she can answer him, she gazes at his beautiful eyes. He seems like he was brooding onto something. His eyes fill with worry. ‘I’m going to be alright,’ replied Emily. Ian’s eyebrows twitches. ‘Don’t worry. You’re not suppose to be here. Go now,’ she continued.

 This time with a bitter smile. She could see Ian starting to well-up. So she panicked, ‘Oh Ian. I’ll be just fine down here. Don’t you worry about me. I’ll meet you soon in heaven. I promise.’ Emily starts to choke up ending her sentence. But she didn’t want to cry in front of him. She wants him to see that his girl is strong. Emily places her palm on Ian’s left cheek. It feels cold.

 Tears roll down his cheek. It’s the first time in ten years being together, she sees him crying. He’d always hide his man tears from her. But today, he didn’t. Emily’s heart broke as she watch the guy she loves weep. ‘I’ll love you even if you’re gone. I promise I will not marry another man. I’ll only keep this heart for you. So baby, don’t cry.’ Her voice was soft, and a bit strained, like someone had hit her in the gut and she was still recovering. ‘I know you will,’ said Ian. His voice was shaking, heavy and for some reason guilty.

 She held him, now with both hands. As much as she tries to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water starts falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. Soon her tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her face. She feel the muscles of her chin tremble like a small child.

 If people saw her, they’d think she’s crazy. Talking alone. Crying alone.

 The clouds grew darker. The waves of the ocean became louder. The sky is about to rain. Even so, it didn’t made them budge. They stand firm. It isn’t the time to care for the environment right now. Sorry, mother nature.

 Emily couldn’t take it anymore. She knew this is all her delusion. Just six hours ago, she was by his bedside holding him till his last breath. Two hours later, she came back from his funeral to come here. Did Ian’s soul follow her? Or was she going crazy already. According science, the answer would be probably she misses Ian to the point where she’s hallucinating him.

 ‘You’re gone,’ he said, his voice full of sadness. Emily got confused. ‘What are you-’ ‘Go,’ he cut her off. ‘Just…go.’ His voice was still soft, almost fragile, as if it and his heart would break any minute. Perhaps his heart is already broken. ‘Ian I don’t understand.’

 He pushes Emily’s hand away. ‘It’s a damn cold night,’ his lips trembled and his shoulders heaved with emotion, unwilling to back down. His dark lashes brimmed with heavy tears; his hands clenched into shaking fists in a desperate battle against the grief. ‘I lost you. You’re the one who’s leaving me,’ Ian’s voice still cracking and it caught his throat. ‘Do you understand me now?’

 A lone tear traces down her cheek, and just like that, the floodgates opened. She touched her own hands. It explained why she felt cold touching Ian’s face. It wasn’t Ian, it was her. Slowly she looks back to Ian, blurry. Her eyes were pooled with salty tears. Yes. Ian was right. Six hours ago, the one battling for life was Emily and the one who stood beside the bedside was Ian. The two hours after that handling the funeral, was Ian. But how come she could see him, she thought.

 Emily realized now, Ian could see her cause she hasn’t fully let him go and neither did he. Rain starts to shower.

‘You can’t cry forever.’ As Emily speaks her voice started off sharp, all her tears in trying to smile again but then, she broke down, and before Ian knew it, Emily is on the verge of tears again, trying desperately to hide it and keep her face and her words straight and stern. ‘Baby…I’m sorry.’

When he spoke, it sounded like his voice was made of gravel. His clear tone was undercut with a choking heaviness that forced him to pause several times. His watery eyes closed and tears, as clear as spring water flowed down watering his cheeks again. Eventually he stopped trying and lowered his head in a quiet sob.

 This is awfully despairing. The pain watching the man she loves breaking apart, feels like getting stabbed twice in the back and it hurts like hell. She knew, that it is time for her to let him go. She cannot see the guy she loves devastated, lonely and tormented. It is now or never,Ian needs to learn and accept living without her.

 ‘Sayang,’ she calls him. It was another nickname they call each other which also meant; baby, dear and sweetheart.

 Bravely Ian look her to the eye. ‘I loved you. I tried all my best for you...and I want you to-’ ‘Sayang it wasn’t enough!’ Ian cried as he refused to believe the woman he gave all his heart is now gone,dead. Worst, leaving him all alone. His determined gaze fall. Emily tucked him in her arms. Hushing him to stop crying.

He sobs into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her white dress she’s wearing. She hold him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soak her chest. ‘You promised me…you won’t leave. You promised Emily. Sayang you told me you don’t break promises.’ A tiny lapse let him pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before he collapsed again, his howls of misery worsening. The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before hurling him back into the outstretched arms of his grief.

 ‘Promises are there to be broken,’ Emily paused as her lips were trembling. Her hands played the back of his hair. ‘I have loved you with all my heart and soul. Up until now, you gave me no regrets. Knowing you, loving you, marrying you, having our first child,’ she made a second pause.

 Ian hug her tight. Tighter then ever. She couldn’t breathe but anyhow she was already out of breath so it didn’t mattered. ‘I can’t raise him by myself. I’m not strong. Sayang, I can’t…’ Emily releases his tight hug slowly. She cups his face with her cold palm and tiptoed as she reaches his forehead and kisses it. ‘You can. You’re the most strongest man I’ve met. You’re going to be the best daddy our child will ever have. He needs all the love from you. Raise him with love. Baby, can you do that for me?’

 He leans his forehead against hers. Cold as ice. Ian just wanted to lean on her even if it isn’t real, even if it’s just a hallucination in his brain. Slowly nodding as tears drop wetting the ground that is already wet due to the rain. He is all wet soaked with rain and couldn’t tell whether his face was wet by his tears or the rain. ‘It’s time…Ian, sayang go home.’

He pressed his lips against hers for one. last. time.

 She felt his warmness through his lips and he felt her coldness through hers. It was still soft, his favorite lips.

Soon, they both let go slowly, eyes still on one another. Ian’s hazelnut eyes looked as if an ocean had been encased inside of small glass marbles. “Thank you for everything.” they said. For that is what Emily reads through his eyes. Then the smooth spheres appeared to be cracked; the ocean had started to leak, little water droplets once again streamed down Emily’s rosy cheek. ‘I pray for your happiness,’ she whispered softly.

 Ian’s favorite song, the lyrics came in his mind. Playing;

There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I, I'm with you

‘Daddy! Daddy raining, please come home.’

Emily left.

The End.