iz*one's dorms are quieter than usual, the soft and steady breaths of her roommate doing nothing to distract her from her thoughts.

hitomi slowly gets up, being careful not to wake chaeyeon as she climbs down from the top bunk, phone secured tightly in her hand. she loses her balance on the last rung, landing with a very painful 'thud'. she quickly stands and surveys if the older girl had woken up.

nope. still very much asleep.

heaving a sigh of relief, hitomi checks her phone for any damage the fall might have caused. when she sees none, she quietly opens the door and pads softly to the living room, closing the door behind her.

she claims a gigantic blue beanbag sakura and chaeyeon had bought and promptly sinks in, sighing in content. hitomi glances up at the ceiling and observes the smears of green paint still present.

it was from a time where yena and yujin were fighting over a small tube of children's poster paint yena found in yujin's luggage (how they got from one dorm to the other fighting over poster paint is still a mystery to her). the two were pulling on the fragile packaging of the paint so hard that it ripped apart, getting paint everywhere. 

hitomi chuckles as she remembers the huge scolding the two got from eunbi and chaeyeon, and how they were made to clean it up themselves afterwards.

the cleaning got up to a whole three hours, and once they got to the ceiling, the paint was dry. no matter how much paint thinner they applied, it just wouldn't come off, so chaeyeon decided to just leave it there (but not before scolding yena and yujin one more time). that, and the paint thinner had such a strong smell, chaeyeon was worried that it might stick to the cushions.

life in the iz*one dorms and with iz*one as a whole is full of surprises and hijinks; not a day goes by without something breaking or going up in flames, or both at the same time. hitomi is really grateful for being given the chance to experience something like this, and being able to be part of iz*one, but she sometimes feels that she doesn't deserve to be here.

she had seen the way almost everyone had looked at miyu-san or miho-san when the words 'akb48' left lee seung gi's lips. amidst her crying, she had seen the way some people looked at her as she sat down on the ninth place seat. she knows she shouldn't be affected by those looks, hell, she even said that she had gotten over those insecurities on live television.

but the thing about insecurities is that they never really leave you; they're always at the back of your mind waiting for the right moment to intrude. 

tonight is one such occasion where the negative thoughts she had formed throughout the show would come back to rear its ugly head. she usually has a cup of warm milk and listens to her comfort playlist as she drinks the milk to help those thoughts go away, but yuri had just informed her that they ran out of milk; their personal phones had also been replaced by phones to be strictly used for communication with the staff and her members, so her playlist was a no-go.

she considers listening to her music box but that would alert chaeyeon and she really didn't want to explain why she was up at 2 am.

she opens her phone and sighs at the time: 2:37 am. she desperately wants to make the thoughts stop.

as she contemplates on whether or not to bash her head against the wall to make the voices shut up, her phone suddenly vibrates in her hands. she picks up, not bothering to look at the caller.

"hello?"

"hey, hiichan,"

hitomi almost drops her phone.

"h-hello?"

"u-uh, hello? hiichan? ....did i somehow dial the wrong number..? is ikumin pranking me again?"

"u-uhm!" hitomi winces at the volume of her voice. she hopes she hasn't woken up any of her members. "miu-chan,"

"ah! hiichan... good, good. i thought i dialed the wrong number." 

she hears miu laugh on the other side of the line and wonders why she had called so late at night.

"miu-chan?"

"hiichan," she starts. "what are you doing still up? don't you guys have a performance tomorrow? you need all the energy you can get."

hitomi smiles. "i can say the same about you. doesn't team a have a concert tomorrow?"

that elicits another laugh from miu. "touché, touché."

"is everyone doing fine back in japan?" 

"they're doing really well, and they told me to tell you that they miss their hiichan so much."

hitomi misses them too, so much so. "well, tell them i miss them too."

she hears crackling from miu's end and hitomi is very positive that she just saluted.

there's a lull in their conversation, so hitomi takes the time to ask. "why did you call?"

"ah. i just..." she hears a soft intake of breath. "i missed hearing your voice. i missed you." 

hitomi swears her heart skipped a beat as she feels her face grow hot. she's very sure if anyone were to wake up and go to the living room, they'd see her in an instant because she's just that red.

she honestly doesn't know what to say because she's been meaning to talk to miu for weeks but hasn't gotten the courage to. and now here she is in the early hours of the morning talking to the one person that's been on her mind since the final elimination.

"hiichan?" no response. "omochi-chan?...hitomi? please don't hang up,"

"....i missed you too." 

she didn't mean for the waterworks to start, but her body doesn't seem to want to listen right now. before she knows it she's sniffling into her hoodie and trying to wipe her tears away with her sleeve. 

"hey, hey, hiichan what's wrong?" 

she feels really bad for worrying miu like this but she had been holding it in for so long, she couldn't help it.

"miu-chan..." hitomi sniffled. "im sorry... you deserved to debut so much more than i did. miyu-san, miho-san... they deserve it so much more.."

"ahh... is this what this is about? hiichan, listen: all of us deserved to debut. nobody deserved to debut more than the other. we all worked hard, put in the same amount of effort to get picked."

"but-"

"hiichan. the national producers saw something in you, star potential maybe? something that some of us lacked, or didn't emit. weren't you a consistent top 12-er in every ranking announcement? not once did you get out of debut range. and that's a testament to what you can achieve.

you have loyal fans who never failed to give you their vote during produce, and by you debuting, all their efforts along with yours had been rewarded. you deserve it, hiichan. you deserve the world and so much more. so chin up, our tochigi princess."

miu's way with words never failed to amaze hitomi; even though she's usually airheaded and sometimes says the dumbest things, her words usually feel so genuine and filled with emotion that succeed in making her cry harder (she was so sure she had woken up at least one person by now).

"no, no, hiichan im sorry, please don't cry."

​​​​​​wiping her tears away, hitomi lets out a chuckle. "thank you, miu-chan. for being there and comforting me."

she hears huff of breath from the girl. "you don't need to thank me for that. it's my duty to always be there for my girlfriend, right?" 

at the mention of the word 'girlfriend', hitomi felt like she would faint. "miu-chan!" hitomi admonished, cheeks flaming up hotter than they had been earlier. 

when all she hears is laughter from the line, hitomi couldn't help but smile as well. "im going to hang up if all you're going to do is laugh at me!"

"sorry, sorry~"

as the atmosphere shifts to something more comfortable and serene, hitomi hears static from the other end of the line, and then miu's voicr once again fills her ears. 

"hiichan, don't hesitate to call me if something comes up, okay? i wasn't kidding when i said i'd always be there for you. even if it's just to talk, call me, okay? i'll be sure to pick up!"

hitomi smiles. she's really lucky to have someone as kind and honest as miu care for her so much.

"i will. it's getting really late, so we should turn in for the night."

"okay. talk to you later, hiichan!"

before miu could end the call, she hears hitomi's sudden shout. "ah! wait, miu-chan!"

"what is it? are you okay, did something happen?"

now hitomi feels really bad for worrying miu but she just had to say it before they say goodbye. who knows when she'll get to talk to her again?

"no, it's nothing like that. i just wanted to say something before you go." 

"eh? well, okay, what is it?"

"uhm. i know we never say it much but... i love you, miu-chan."

"...i love you too, hiichan. so, so much. now go get some sleep! you need all your energy for tomorrow!"

"you get some sleep, too. if i see you on showroom at 4 am, you'll never hear the end of it, alright?"

"yes, ma'am!"

"goodnight, miu-chan."

"goodnight, hiichan. i love you!"

"i love you too."

ending the call, hitomi falls back onto the bean bag and sighed in content. she started the night with a million thoughts and insecurities swirling around her brain, fighting for control, and ended it feeling much more relaxed and definitely more confident. all thanks to one ao miu. 

quietly creeping back to her and chaeyeon's shared room, she thinks that she'll do her best for their performance later.