It's killing me

 

1 drink turned into 2...then 2 drinks turned into 7...

In a drunken state, I struggled to keep my eyes open. The bartender tried to convince me to go home, but my mind had trailed off somewhere else for me to listen. My eyes were probably puffy and red from crying, yet I still couldn't stop crying. My face was a mess from crying. I was a mess. I had a runny nose, but that wasn't my main concern. I felt pathetic as I knew that I wouldn't have you there to comfort me like in the past. Of course, this isn't as cruel as me ignoring your tears at the moment I broke up with you..Nayeon.

 

It's killing me

 

I didn't think that cutting my ties with Nayeon would be this bad.

 

Nayeon was the one who first confessed to me as a stranger. I didn't know how her personality was like at the time, so I was unsure about it.

But one thing was for certain: her eyes. Her eyes seem sincere...but what exactly have I done for her to deserve such sincere eyes?...

Whatever the reason may be, my hesitation turned into openmindness.

 

"Why not? Let's give it a try."

 

The prior day, Nayeon invited me to a date.

On our first date Nayeon clung to my arm so possesively. Well, technically it was supposed to be a date but it ended up with encountering my friends and them tagging along. The prices were hugely discounted for amusement park tickets, so it figures why they were here.

My friends didn't know that I was dating Nayeon, let alone know that I'm not exactly straight either, so I panickly introduced Nayeon as a friend. Of course with that, Nayeon was clearly upset, I mean who wouldn't be?

As we part from my friends, Nayeon ended the date with an argument. It wasn't a great start to our relationship since we kept distant for about a week due to the argument about not telling my friends about our relationship.

But then at the end of the week, Nayeon approached me and apologized for her act. I didn't want to hold a grudge either since part of the whole argument was indeed my fault, so we both made up, with me asking her if she wanted to watching movies and eat ramen at my house.

"W-what?" Nayeon acted rather flustered by my invitation. Huh? Was it something I said? What's wrong with watching movies and eating ramen?

As we continue walking, instead of holding hands like couples do, Nayeon kept a small distance between us. I thought that she was still mad about our argument until I saw her blushing.

What the hell, why is she blushing?!

Now I'm suddenly becoming anxious. Did I do something again? Was it my outfit? Did I offend her in some way?
What woman, what?!

When we got to my house, I shook my head and acted casual. I gave Nayeon the remote for her to choose the movie while I went to the kitchen to prepare 2 plates of ramen for both of us.

And so we did it. We literally finished the movie, ate our ramen, and now we're near the doorsteps for me to send Nayeon back to her home.

Nayeon seems relieved yet very disappointed with me sending her home.

"Do you invite your friends at home often for ramen?" She asked me, to which I nodded in respond.

"Yeah, I mean they get flustered for some reason, but I don't see what's bad about watching movies and eating ramen." Nayeon pinched the bridge of her nose, pausing to take a look at me before pulling the collar of my shirt and whispering to my ear.

"Don't invite anyone else to have ramen with you, invite only me." She said as she kissed my cheek, leaving a small red lipstick mark on my cheek as she leaves the house. I held the cheek that she kissed, dazing about what just happened.

It wasn't till later that I found out what it meant.

 

It's killing me

 

As lovely as the relationship was, it wasn't perfect either. More arguments came, mostly involving the poison implemented in relationships known as jealousy.

The sign of jealousy in any type of relationship is pretty toxic in itself. The longer the poison stays, the more likely the relationship suffocates from it, to the point that it dies.

Yet, people choose it to end that way. They don't attempt to control the poison, but rather they let the poison control them.

Now that I think about it, Nayeon's overwhelming jealousy is what led me to end the relationship during a heated argument, but now that I am reminiscing about it in my drunken state, I came to realize that I could've tried to comprimise with her, I could've tried to make the relationship work somehow, I could've tried to save our relationship...

But I didn't.

And now it's too late to go back, especially after seeing her tears the moment I said "I don't think we're right for each other." But now that I actually said our farewells, I realized that the affection she had for me was what I needed.

Or...was it what I wanted? Wants versus Needs... they almost seem similar, yet they hold a complete different meaning.

 

It's killing me

 

Speaking of wants and needs, is being in this drunken state what I needed to get over Nayeon? Or is this drunken state what I wanted in hopes that she'll come back to me?

Honestly this still doesn't change the fact that I'm drunk. Alone. Slowly passing out at the bar as I faintly heard a voice calling out my name.

 

It's killing me.

 

I woke up with a huge headache, but instead of waking up in the bar, I woke up in a bed. I turn my head and saw someone else besides me, continuing to sleep soundingly with light snores.

"Did I just..." My assumption of this being a one night stand instantly disappeared as I noticed that both of us were clothed. Thank goodness, I didn't want to make it even more awkward as it is by saying that I don't remember anything.

Looking closely at the individual next to me, I realized that it was Mina, Nayeon's best friend. I mean, of course I met her through Nayeon since I saw her within Nayeon's circle of friends, however it's not like we had any actual conversations that lead to me getting to know her. Long story short, we are merely aquaintances. So...why did an aquaintance bring me here?

The anticipation was making me a little impatient. I pushed her shoulder lightly to wake her up. My action made her eyes slowly blink until she became fully awake.

"Hnn, good morning." She greeted, sitting up from the bed as she rubbed her eyes. I didn't respond. It is morning yes, but it wasn't a good one.

My headache got worse. I held my forehead with my right hand as a response to it.

"So...would you mind explaining to me what happened? If I recall, I was at the bar last night."

She gave me such an innocent, gummy smile that I had to hold myself from cringing. From my perception, her smile seemed fake at the moment, considering the fact that this is my ex's best friend we are talking about, so she probably hates me.

"My best friend...your ex..I was going to meet her at the bar, but instead I saw you there. If she had saw you in that state.." she averted her eyes, unable to finish her words. I sighed. I thanked her in my mind, but with that I also asked her another question.

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