i always looked at you from afar.

 

you were there, laughing, smiling, and the whole room seemed to light up when you do. i liked seeing and hearing you laugh, it was like a sweet melody playing in my ear.

 

it fit you.

 

even under the scorching heat of the sun as i run laps around the field, never will i regret sparing you glances from time to time. you'd smile as you'd chat with your friends from the bleachers, taking a break from cheer leading practice. thought i liked seeing your smile too.

 

no, we weren't friends.

 

i never had the guts to even come near you. i didn't see the need to, anyway. you were always with her, and she seemed to be the reason behind your smiles too. you always looked happy when you were together, and i couldn't help but smile at that.

 

you looked like you were in love, so i respected that. i tried to stop looking at you in respect, only stealing glances from time to time, but i couldn't bring myself to do so. even after seeing your hands intertwined with hers, i couldn't avert my gaze somewhere else.

 

i guess as long as i see that you're happy, it was enough for me.

i guess as long as i get to see that smile of yours, it was more than enough.

i guess as long as i get to hear you laugh, it was okay for me.

 

your laugh wasn't the only sweet melody i'd love to hear, but your voice too. your voice was music itself, it was beautiful, soothing.

 

i wish you'd never stop, and everyone seems to think so too. as you belt out high notes, everyone couldn't seem to pry their eyes away. there wasn't a single thing to hate about you. they'd tell me things that could have me dislike you, but they never really went through.

 

i never listened, i thought highly of you.

 

i never planned to even talk to you in person. but unluckily, the odds didn't seem to be in my favor.

 

i didn't want to see you.

not in that state.

i didn't want to see you with a broken heart.

 

i didn't want to see you in pain, so vulnerable. you were at the park, head buried in your palms as your muffled sobs escaped. and i could only stand frozen in my spot, debating with myself what should i do. the idea of comforting you was the first thing that popped in my mind. i wanted to offer you company right away.

 

but, i didn't want to come near you.

i was afraid.

 

afraid of forming a friendship with you, afraid of being someone you could talk to. someone you needed at times like this. i was afraid of getting attached to you, to someone i like.

 

it was stupid of me to think of it like that, and i regret ever doing so.

 

i regret not offering a shoulder for you to cry on, even if i was just a stranger from school. i knew you, but you didn't know me.

and so i left you all alone in that park, left you alone without warmth in the dark and cold night.

 

but i guess that ended up being a good choice. i looked back, only to see her there with you. she was kneeling down to look up at you, trying to pry your palms away from your face to have you look at her. you started hitting her, but she ended up hugging you.

 

and all forms of protest melted away as she enveloped you in her warmth. you calmed down, letting her hug you. i didn't know what she whispered in your ear, but i guess it was enough to have you wrap your arms around her too. i was glad i turned around before having to witness the both of you lean into each other.

 

i guess i made the right choice.

 

i never saw you again after that night. i purposely avoided you in school. i didn't want to see you with her. odd as it may sound, seeing you didn't feel right anymore. what used to be just a petty crush, it didn't feel the same after that.

 

we graduated a year later.

 

after bidding my closest friends good bye, i took the next cab to seoul afterwards. i was there for university, to start a new life, to build my future. i thought i could have a new start, meet new people, gain new friends, but i thought wrong.

 

i never expected to see you the second i stepped foot in university.

 

there you were, figuring out your time table, looking around the campus with books in hand. your brows furrowed as you looked around. and i stood meters away from you, frozen in spot yet again.

 

you looked the same,

 

the same ethereal beauty i came to like back in high school. the same smiling face i used to look for. the same person i had a crush on. i shook my head, it's a new start of my life, i shouldn't dwell on the past. it's in the past now, anyway.

and so i tried to walk past you, hand in my pockets.

 

key word: i tried.

 

that was until i felt a hand grab me by my arm. i turned around, only to find you looking up at me. and you looked at me with familiar eyes. i couldn’t get myself to shake your grip off my hand. i tried to glare at you, to put up a front, but you just had to put it down.

 

“i think i’ve seen you before," you said with eyes narrowed, eyes wandering my face out of curiosity.

 

i could only clench my jaw, so this is how it feels to have your eyes on mine.

 

“you look familiar, have we met?”

 

well, what should I tell you?

 

brush you off and pretend that i never knew you,

 

or take the chance i never took back in high school?

 

"we're in the same batch from high school," i muttered nonchalantly, still feeling your gaze. your eyes lit up as soon as you heard me.

 

"you were in the track team!" you recognized me, and you smiled. i could only nod in return.

 

it's that damn smile again.

 

you started rambling on how come we didn't know each other sooner. how it would've been nice if we knew each other before finding out that we're going to the same university. i couldn't do anything but listen.

 

here i am, taking the chance i regret i never took.

 

we both found out that we were taking the same course. coincidentially, we even have all of our classes together. i ended up getting dragged by you to our first class, with you clinging onto my arm as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

 

were you always like this?

 

i ended up sitting next to you in every class we shared. it was the most nerve-wracking thing, sitting next to your high school crush, seeing her everyday, and sitting next to her.

 

what exactly were you planning, fate?

 

in the end, i decided to put that thought away. i didn't want to risk what we were trying to build. i'm here with you now, and that's all that mattered. months passed and we ended up knowing each other better. talking to you felt comfortable, as if it was so natural. we ended up hanging out a lot. from just eating out, to coffee/study dates, and to sleepovers. i liked it, actually, i liked becoming your friend.

 

now i do regret not taking that chance a year ago.

now i don't mind getting attached to you at all.

 

maybe what i felt for you, wasn't exactly what i thought it was.

 

maybe.

or so i thought.

 

now being friends with you, it felt harmless.

 

i don't mind having to put up with your constant whining, wtih you acting like a little kid. i don't mind seeing your 'aegyo.' i don't mind staying up late with you. to your random period cravings and mood swings, and i definitely do not mind listening to your drama.

 

you found comfort in me, and i found comfort in you.

 

it was our second year in college when we began to share a dorm. we were basically attached to the hip, we didn't see the point of not coming home together. and it was in second year when something and someone resurfaced.

 

"tzuyu?" i was reading a book with your head on my lap when you called for me. you sat up, holding onto the blanket as you turned to look at me.

 

"what's wrong?" i asked as i set my textbook down. you sighed, actually hesitating as you looked into my eyes.

 

"nayeon, you know you can tell me anything right-"

 

"jeongyeon's back."

 

and it felt weird.

 

"oh," was all i could muster.

 

"she wants us to get back together."

 

i could only stare at you with emotions coming to me all at once. there was this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. oddly enough, i felt this weird pain in my heart. it felt like something i kept in for so long was starting to resurface, and i didn't want that. i clamped my mouth shut after realizing that i didn't have anything to say.

 

and of course i think i knew what was resurfacing inside me.

 

i wasn't that dumb.

it was that stupid feeling of crushing on you.

 

all it took was that little push from what you told me to have it come rushing back to the surface.

 

how did i manage to keep it this way, again?

 

"tzuyu?" you called out, noticing how i spaced out with your hand on my shoulder.

 

i flinched at the touch, and i saw the little spark of hurt in your eyes when i did. i wanted to curse at myself for reacting that way.

 

"i don't see why not, nayeon. you still love her, right?" and i wanted to slap myself that night.

 

you looked at me almost bewildered, as if not believing what just came out of my own mouth. of course you were puzzled. for the past year i always told you that cutting it off with her was the best decision.

 

you found out she was cheating on you, that's why you broke up with her. and when you told me she was always attempting to call you, i convinced you to block her. you did what i told you too, a large grin on your face as you proudly showed me that you did block her.

 

i was convinced that you didn't love her anymore. you told me countless times.

 

i didn't know what i was doing.

 

"are you hearing yourself, tzu?" your brows furrowed as you stared at me.

 

i could only nod weakly.

 

"you still do, right?"

 

we both knew it was a lie.

 

you scoffed as you turned back on me, blanket in hand before retreating to your bedroom. you were angry, i could tell.

 

did you want me to convince you otherwise?

did you want me to talk you out of it?

or did you want me to stop you?

 

my thoughts ran back and forth.

 

you started avoiding me like the plague. it didn't take a genius to know that you were mad at me. and me being stupid enough, i let you. for days you avoided me, even at the dorm. you refused to sit next to me in class, you sat next to jihyo instead.

 

and at that point i didn't know what to do. you avoided me everywhere.

 

in the elevator.

in class.

in the school's comfort room.

in the cafeteria.

in the halls.

 

it drove me crazy. if you only knew how bad i wanted to talk to you, nayeon.

 

you started hanging out with jihyo more. and to be honest,

 

i longed for you.

 

i wanted to be the one by your side, i wanted to be the one you'd laugh with, i wanted to be the one to help you with everything.

 

it was always me.

 

stupid enough of me, i let you. i let you avoid me. though it took every strength in me not to barge in your room, i resisted the urge.

 

that was until one night, you got out of your room. you were all dressed up. and you looked stunningly beautiful. i was at a lost for words for your beauty.

 

ethereal, that's what you are.

 

you were wearing a black dress yet you could paint the world with color. your lips tinted red, your porcelain skin was flawless. that smile of yours i longed to see would paint the entire sky, and picasso could cry at the masterpiece.

 

i asked you where you were headed after you noticed the weight of my stare. nonchalantly, you shrugged me off after telling me that you had a dinner date with jeongyeon.

 

jeongyeon.

 

and so you left me, you left me for her. you didn't even spare me a glance.

 

i grew anxious as i waited for you to come back. i could only stare at the clock as it ticked, the long hand moving as every minute passed. thoughts were running through my head yet again.

 

were you enjoying the night?

was dinner good?

will she take you home?

 

i called jihyo to answer my questions. she was the one you hung out with, so i asked her how you were doing lately. and i wanted to slap myself as she picked up my call.

 

she told me everything, nayeon.

 

why didn't you tell me?

 

why didn't you give me the chance to know?

 

if only i knew sooner, i could've returned it just as fast.

 

the next thing i knew, i found myself in front of the restaurant you were at.

 

i wasn't taking any more chances. i don't want to regret this again.

 

but the sight of you and her eating dinner together didn't greet me, the sight of you sitting on the bench did.

 

and so you looked up as you heard footsteps. that smile of yours greeting me again, "hey."

 

i could only look at you with my mouth agape as i panted from running. before i could even speak, you ran into my arms.

 

you cut me off before i could even utter a word, "no, tzuyu. i'm not with jeongyeon."

 

with your arms wrapped around my waist and your head on my chest, the least i could do was envelope you in my warmth as well. i almost forgot that you were mad at me.

 

"i-i'm sorry-" i didn't know for sure why i was apologizing. but if it meant having the person i care about most back, i'd say it a million times.

 

you looked up at me with those brown orbs i'd always look for. "don't be, tzu. you did nothing wrong."

 

"no, i know i did something wrong. you're avoiding me, i must've done some-" i was rambling again, and you giggled.

 

you cut me off with a kiss.

 

i wasn't sure if it was happening either, but all i could feel were your plump lips on mine.

 

i remembered. i remembered everything jihyo told me on the phone.

 

you told her you loved me, you told her how being with me felt right. and when you told me about jeongyeon, you told her you wanted me to stop you. you told her that you were testing your own feelings.

 

and you did tell me you love me as our lips parted, your breathing against mine. i could only stare at you, the words couldn't come out of my mouth. you were quick to apologize for everything too.

 

i couldn't be any happier, nayeon.

 

and when i cut you off in the middle of your apology with a kiss, being with you did seem to feel right.

 

i'm glad i took the chance.

 

and so we spent the next years in university together. we were so happy. who would've thought that living with you would be this much of a mess.

 

the entire dorm we shared was a mess. the kitchen was never at peace, meals were never cooked. when we started sharing a bedroom together, the bed was never made. every night we'd both end up staying late thanks to your dramas. i lost a lot of my hoodies, thanks to your hoarding. i don't even know how much i spent on food every trip to the convenience store with you.

 

being with you made time pass by too quickly, and spending it with you was enough.

 

i loved you, and you loved me.

 

i couldn't ask for more.

 

we graduated together.

 

those years i spent with you, i will never regret that. i was so happy with you, nayeon. i wish i could relive it over and over again. as i took that diploma, i wished for more years with you.

 

we moved to an apartment just near downtown. we both got accepted into our jobs. and we had dogs, namely gucci and kookeu. everything was going perfectly fine. we had fights, but we always made up in the end.

 

what more could i ask for, you were already perfection itself.

 

i loved you, so much that i was willing to take more chances. one thing was for sure, i would never want to lose you. i would never want to leave your side. and i know you felt the same way too.

 

that's why i married you.

 

it was the happiest day of my life. seeing you in that dress, it made me question, what did i ever do in my past life to deserve you?

 

ethereal, that's what you were.

 

you painted my entire life with colors the second you smiled.

 

marrying you was the best decision i've ever made. now that i have you, i'm never letting you go. and here we are now years later, married with one kid, at the peak of our career as neurosurgeons, and the happiest we could be in our humble abode.

 

-

 

"Mommy!"

 

Tzuyu looked up from her desk to see her daughter peeking from the door frame.

 

"Mina?" she smiled, tucking the letter she was working on under her folder.

 

She gestured for the little girl to come in. Mina obliges and runs up to Tzuyu, sitting on her lap.

 

"What's up, my little penguin?" Tzuyu cooed as she pats the top of Mina's head.

 

Mina giggled, "Mama's making us cookies!"

 

Tzuyu gasps, "Really? You better not be lying to me~"

 

She tickles the little girl's stomach which earned her a fit of joyful laughter.

 

This was home.

 

Nayeon, her wife, and Mina, her daughter, together under one roof. Tzuyu stopped tickling the poor child, and kissed her on both cheeks.

 

"I'll catch up, okay? Mommy has some work to do."

 

Mina nods before giving her mommy a quick peck on her dimples.

 

-

 

everything went our way.

 

and it felt right.

 

too right.

 

brainstem glioma.

 

that was it, the little bump in our road. ah, the odds. we were both neurosurgeons, but i end up getting a brain tumor. a damn brain tumor. i could only laugh at the irony.

 

fate just had to play with me this way, didn't it?

 

i won't tell you the entirety of my suffering, because you already know. you were there when i started seeing double. you were there when my head started throbbing painfully. you were there when i started to feel weak.

 

you were there at my worst.

 

you took care of me when i couldn't leave for work. you'd call in sick just so you could take care of me personally. you'd cook me meals just so i could stay in bed.

 

what did i ever do to deserve you?

 

i am more than thankful for having you by my side, chou nayeon.

 

i am more than thankful that i met you. i am more than thankful to have loved you. more than thankful for you being my wife, my other half, and for being mina's parent.

 

i am more than thankful that i took the chance.

 

i never regretted a single thing. i will never regret leaving you at the park. i will never regret bumping into you at university. i will never regret going after you.

 

and i will never regret marrying you.

 

as i write you this letter, three months are all i have left.

 

i hope i spent those three months loving you passionately. i hope i spent those months smiling. i hope i spent those remaining three months with you and mina. you two are my  most precious gifts. gucci and kookeu added to the list of the precious gifts too, of course.

 

i made sure to write this letter before i experience memory loss due to the tumor. and i hope i'll still remember you if i do. my mind may forget every memory i created with you, but my heart will always remember.

 

how can i forget the smile that brought me to you?

 

i'll make sure to have jihyo give this to you after my funeral. i guess you could throw this away, but that'll only put my effort in vain right?

 

:(

 

i'm kidding, do whatever you want.

 

fall in love again, if you must.

 

once i'm gone, i can no longer fill up that space in your heart. whoever that person could be, i hope they make you happy. you still have a long way to go, nayeon. you get to have the blessing of seeing mina grow up.

 

my baby girl, i wish i get to see her grow up too. to see her become the ballerina she wants to be. but i'll be doing so from up there. i'll always be beside the both of you, i'll always be here to protect you and mina.

 

and i will always love you, even after death.

 

so this is where i leave you, nayeon.

 

i wish we had more time.

 

if i could relive every single day with you, then i would.

 

maybe in our next life, we get to spend more years together. i'll think of it that way. the next time i wake up, i hope i get to see your face next to mine.

 

i'll see you in our next lifetime, my love. thank you, for everything.

 

 

i love you.

 

 

 

and this is my good bye.

 

---

 

twitter: @tzuyodatzu