It’s inevitable….

It’s all a gamble now…..

I’m losing….

But I…..

I’ll gain something…..

I’m not too late……

I hope I’m not too late…..

Here I am… in front of his apartment door, if I enter here there’s no more turning back…. If I enter here I can no longer come back to the life that I’m so used to…. It’s been like this for months…. It’s been a hell of push and pull for months but now….. There’s no turning back….

It’s inevitable….

There I was celebrating inside a cheap looking bar next to my law firm building, I won another case so I decided to celebrate, my life was so perfect that I thought that I deserved an expensive wine for a drink, a life full of perfection… it echoed in my head and I knew that echo was the confirmation of the truth…. I have Goddess like wife who completes my day every day, I have a well paying job that I’ve worked hard for since I was eighteen, I have an expensive condominium for a home located at the luxurious tower at the heart of Seoul and I have no worries in life whatsoever (Except for my clients but it’s their problems that makes me rich so whatever.)

I was contented with my life…. Life was sweet…. But then my eyes drifted to the far side of the bar….

That’s when I saw him…. His presence alone was enough to make any man curious of his life, his eyes were enough to show his emotions, his expression was enough to tell me that he has been living a horrible life….

And when I move closer to him….. My intuition was right……

He smiled at me… I smiled back…. I gazed at him.. he gazed back…. And what I saw was something deep…. Something that made me so curious that I had to ask… he was drowned in alcohol so it was easier for him to release his pain that night…

He told me he was scared…..

He told me he wanted to live….

He told me he has no one… He told me he has nothing….. And then….. I kissed him…..

Why did I kiss him? I don’t know…. I’m raised and trained to be a logical person but for the first time in my life I didn’t know why I did what I did…. Maybe because I pitied him…. Maybe because I was someone who has everything and he was someone who has nothing…. Maybe because I thought that that night I could be his shelter to protect him from darkness…. Maybe because I thought that maybe I could held him…. But I…..

 But I didn’t know that my action was the first step of breaking him apart….

That night the kiss led us both to many first things…. My first infidelity towards my loving wife…… My first kiss coming from a man…. My first time having with a man….. And my first regret in life…..

 That morning I wake up in cold sweat…. My heart was telling me to run back home and kneel in front of my wife to beg for her forgiveness but my brain was telling me something else…. Telling me that I wasn’t the only one who was defeated by lust that night…. That someone else who was more unfortunate than me lost his ity to a stranger that night….. That’s when I knew that I couldn’t just let him be….

I’m going to give him the money he needed and tell him to never be of sight again…. That’s what my brain is saying but curse my greedy mind for wanting more….. so I waited him to wake up….

To tell him that I’ll pay him for …..

To tell him to trade his dignity for security and a warm place to stay in….

To trade his pride for being penetrated by another man….. I will give him what he needs…. But I need his body…. It was inevitable…. When one thing is given the latter must have something to receive….

At my own bewilderment he agreed almost instantly without thinking it through…. I guess he really is desperate for money; truth is I could’ve just given it to him for free… but my mind was screaming for his body….. 

And so….. It starts….

Every night I use his body for pleasure to relieve myself from stress, I kiss him harshly to forget my idiotic clients for making lose a case, I bite his skin hardly to forget about the stupid misunderstandings with my wife and I him hard just to simply forget things when life gets the best of me…. He wasn’t protesting though…. But I can see in his eyes that he’s disgusted by this…. He’s disgusted with himself… I can see it…. He knows that I know it too but he doesn’t say a thing…. We both know that this is just physical and that’s it… No more…. No less…

He’s empty…. I’m full…..

He’s drowning…. I’m moving on……

He’s trapped… I’m free….

In the end….. It’s just all….. Business…..

I told him I was married, he didn’t bother… This was all just physical so he didn’t care…. We don’t know anything about each other except for our names, our business and our status….

There’s no need to know more since this is all physical, I don’t need to know more because there’s no strings attached…. It’s like that everyday…. I go to him then after that go home to my wife… it’s became an everyday ritual…. It’s as if his body became a necessity…..

….But then….

Something changed….. Something in both of us changed….. It’s affecting on how I look at my wife…… It’s affecting me on how I kiss my wife….. It’s changing the feelings when I touch my wife’s body…. And it’s not the same whenever I make love to her… Because whenever I do…. All I can think about is him…..

All I’ve been thinking about was his words, all that I’ve been dreaming about was him being next to me, all that I’ve been smelling was his scent, all I can taste was his lips and the worst part is…. It’s affecting me… it’s ruining me….. It’s ruining my marriage…. But it seems that….

It seems that even though that the right thing for me to do it to let him go…. I…..

I couldn’t do it……

When the thought of him being not by my side anymore popped in my mind I went to his apartment complex in a hurry as if I would die if I didn’t have him…

I hurried there as if he was my air to breathe….

I hurried there as if he was the only thing in my life that matters…..

I hurried there as if he was everything that mattered in my life….

I hurried there as if I…… as if I……

As if I love him…….

And that night…. When I made love to him… I knew that he felt the same way…. He too was desperate…. He too was longing for my touches… Yearning for my embrace…. Craving for my kisses and I knew that deep in his heart…. He wishes for me to stay….

This is not good……

No feelings should be involved….

This was supposed to be physical….. But now I……

I’m torn…. I love her….. But I can’t lose him….

And when I told him that I love my wife I knew instantly that he got hurt, I knew that he wanted me to take the pain away from his heart by saying those precious words to him but I can’t….. I can’t do it….

My lips that were kissing my wife and him every night, from the lips that worship his body more than my wife, from the lips that moans his name whenever he gives me permission to enter his sole body…. And from the lips that utter I love you to my wife and not to him….. He wants to hear it from me and I know it….

This wasn’t fair….

No feelings should be involved…. But still it happened…..

That night I knew I was done for…….

It doesn’t help me that he looks at me with eyes full of love…. It doesn’t help me that he touches me as if I’m his world…. It doesn’t help me when he kisses me so tenderly that I feel like I’m drowning…. And it doesn’t help me that I know that I’m married and I don’t deserve him….. That night I confessed my feelings towards him only in my mind….

I was too much of a coward to face it….. I was too much of a twit to accept that I have fallen from my own trap…. And I was too much of a spineless fool to accept the fact that he’s head over heels over me…. This can’t continue… I’m married…

I’m married and I love my wife!

And then… my greatest fear in life came… She found out…. I don’t know how but she did….. she was crying in front of me while asking me in words and sentences that I can’t understand….

She told me to choose….

She told me to choose between her or my mistress….

And then it hit me….

I can’t lose him…. But I can’t lose her…. I love them both…. I want to keep them both…..

I’m a selfish bastard……

I turn my back from her and ran away from our home as fast as my feet can carry me away from there…. I need to see him…. But if I see him now…..

My emotions were getting the best of me…. I went to an open bar near JaeJoong’s apartment complex and drank my heart out like a stupid of a man that I really am…. I couldn’t face him in my sane self…. My pride wouldn’t let me…. I can’t choose between them… But I can’t lose him….

I don’t want to lose him because I…..

Because I……

Because I love him…. But I’m too much of a coward to say that to him face to face even at my drunken state…. I was hopeless…. I was completely hopeless in his presence…. In his presence I’m like a little child begging for the right direction,  in his touches I’m like a lovesick puppy who begs his master for a home…. In his whispers I’m like a dead man brought to life…. And in his love everything that’s wrong seems right…..

There I was in front of his door knocking like crazy and soon enough he opens the door for me…. He looked at me with so much love that I started to cry…. I begged him to forgive me through words that he and I couldn’t understand, I held him tightly in my arms while telling him why he just arrive in my life now when I already belonged to someone else.

 I caressed his face showing that I care too much for him….

I kissed him passionately like I’ll never see him again because I know that it could happen….

And I made love to him like he’s the only one I long for because that’s the truth…. That he is the only one that I long for…. That night I wanted to make him feel special…. That night I wanted to show him that he’s my everything now…. That night I cursed the fact that I’m married to someone else other than him… That night I wish time stopped or else I’ll wake up in the morning to decide something that will ruin me forever…. I love him but I couldn’t tell him…. Not like this when I’m such a mess….. 

That night I watch him sleep as I let myself drown in thoughts of life without him….. A life without his smile would be colorless, a life without his embrace would be cold, a life without his comforting and soft words would be meaningless and a life without my beautiful Kim JaeJoong would be a lifetime of torture.

Then I thought about my wife….. Our promises and our vows…. The memories that we made through our Five years of marriage…. Our plans to have children….. I thought about everything…. Her curly brown locks…. Her long lashes and beautiful almond shaped eyes…. Her soft pouty lips…. But when I thought about my feelings for her….. It’s no longer there…..

At three o’clock in the morning I got back to my place to ready for my leave…. I need a vacation to figure things out…. I didn’t need permission from my wife because I knew that if I told her she’ll just cry and protest on my decision so I took advantage of packing my clothes while she sleeps….

I walked away from my condo and bought a plane ticket away from this place….

To think straight…..

For me to realize….

For me to see…..

And all that while of thinking I was only thinking about him…. My mind was plagued with the thoughts of him… The feel of him…. The longing to touch him… to feel him…. And that’s when it hit me….. Divorce… is my only option….

I came back to Seoul after a month of thinking and recollecting…. I didn’t bother to see my wife all I did was sent her a message that I’m divorcing her and I’m willing to give her half of my assets… I didn’t wait for her reply because I didn’t want to hear her cry…..  Now I realize that my feelings for her were just simply pity…. And the only thing I want to do now is to see him that time….

I didn’t bother to tell any of my friends and relative that I came back to Korea because I know that they will just interrogate me…. So I went straight to the place where I call home….. I went straight to where my heart belongs…. I went straight to the place where my heart beats the name of his master….. The place where my love lives…. The place where he lives….

While waiting there I can’t help but be nervous… I was gone for a month without any warning and I didn’t know how he would react…. My face was full of composure but my heart beat was stating the truth… My face was still used to lying but my heart isn’t anymore….. Not with him….

The door knob turned and my lips started to twitch in nervousness, it’s predictable since my heart was beating like crazy….

Then he entered…..

He saw me…..

I tried to hide my overwhelming happiness of seeing him with a smirk…..

Time seemed to stopped….

And then he ran towards me crying….. I couldn’t control it anymore….. So I did the same…. I let him see me in my weakest….

In those few months were the divorce was occurring I pretended that everything was it was like before, I had to lie to him… I didn’t want him to feel guilty about this especially now when my family and hers are fighting and struggling about this divorce issue….

It was hard to pretend that everything was okay…..

It was hard to pretend that I was mentally stable even though I wasn’t…..

It’s hard to defend myself in front of the jury when everything has been my fault…..

And it’s hard that I have to cope with the lost of almost everything when I almost lost the battle…

But I need to do this for him secretly…. I need to do this for us….

And now that the divorce was filled and everything was signed and legalized I’ve finally won the battle to finally have the rights to declare my love for him….

To tell him that it was never a one sided love…..

To tell him that I have been suffering as he was….

To tell him that everything will be alright now…..

And now finally I can tell him that I love him….

So here I am in front of his door…. And as I predicted he was there waiting for me in the couch patiently…. It felt good that from now on this is the view that I’ll see every time I come home from work….

The battle was worthwhile as long as his smile is the view that I see every time I lose…..

All the pain and sacrifices are like nothing now…. He’s worth it….

“Hey Jae….. You’ve been waiting long?” I smirked as I walk towards him, he smiled at me while trying to hide his blush…

“No…” he paused “…Are you hungry?” he asked as I sat beside him, I didn’t answer his question instead I kissed and nibbled at his hear making him moan occasionally, “…Not tonight…” I finally replied when I can feel his cheeks burning against mine, I lifted him up from his position and went straight to bed.

My kisses were wild and tame at the same time as if it’s the first time that we’re going to do this, caressing his hair and his lips intermittently to show him the promise that I’ll be forever in his arms from this moment on… I move down to his now bare chest and worship his body as if he was the most expensive porcelain on earth that if I take him too hard he’ll break but if I take him too lightly he’ll fall from my grasp and crush.,…

I was in my limit and I released my warm seed inside of him… both of moaned in pleasure as we take time to listen to our own pants and unsteady heartbeats….

“You know…. It’s almost a year and a half since this has been going on…..” I whispered as I hug his slim waist, I waited for him to answer and it’s making me nervous that he was quiet… I was kind of relieved when he whispered a soft, “Yes….” In reply.

“….. How long do you think this will last?” I asked seriously now it was he who was nervous….

“I don’t know….”

“Too bad….” I murmured

“What?”

“… I said too bad…… I already signed the divorce papers….”

Our worlds stop for a moment and all I could feel was his lips against mine…..

Our fates have been destined and now our worlds intertwine…..

It was fate that I meet him when he was all broken and down…

And it was fate that I would be the one to arrange him and put his life back all in the right places in time…..

“…. You know that I’ve always loved you right?” he looked at me with a bewildered expression and I can’t help but laugh, I pulled him for another kiss and whispered the words that he always wanted to hear from me….

“I love you Kim JaeJoong….”

And then at that time…. I hope those words were enough for his sufferings to end…..

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