Euna pov

“It’s ok. You’re ok. I’m here. You’re going to be fine. Breath with me baby girl.” I whispered as kneeled down in front of her and hugged her close, one hand going up immediately to her hair, the other hand around her to softly rub her back since I knew it had a calming effect on her when she was like this.

I kept repeating the same words over and over again, knowing that it might take a while for my voice to register in the state she was in. As much as it pained me to see her like this I knew I had to keep my cool so I could help her get through it. I could only offer her time and support, the rest was up to her. So we stayed like that for a while. Me whispering encouraging words in her ear, she lost in whatever terror that had overpowered her.

Although my embrace was pretty tight, she was still shaking considerably and her breathing was so fast I was afraid she was going to faint if she didn’t calm down soon.

I hugged her stronger as I kept rubbing her back soothingly hoping it would have some effect. When that didn’t work I leaned back and cradled her face in my hand so she would be forced to look me in the eyes.

“Hey, look at me. Focus on me. It’s just me and you. Come back to me. I know you can.” I started her cheeks with my dumbs, hoping my touch would break through to her.

It took a while but finally I saw the haze slowly lifting from her eyes and it seemed like she was actually seeing me.

“Hi beautiful. There you are. Good job. Now, can you nod your head for me please?” I gave her an encouraging smile while I let go of her face. Her breathing had slowed down a bit and she wasn’t shaking as badly as before but I needed to make sure she could hear me now so I could help her shake it off completely.

Luckily, she nodded so I let out a breath of relief. I could tell it wasn’t over yet because the fear was still evident in her eyes, on her face and in her whole demeanor. But at least I didn’t have to worry she was going to pass out from hyperventilating anymore. I gently squeezed her shoulders to reassure her everything was going to be ok.

My relief was short lived when I noticed how pale and exhausted she looked. She had massive bags under her red rimmed eyes and she seemed to have no strength left to keep herself upright. We were both still kneeling on the floor in her small bathroom. There wasn’t really space for anything besides the necessities so the room felt crowded with the two of us in it. I needed to get her out of there.

“I’m going to take you to your room now, ok?

My knees were starting to hurt and I knew we couldn’t stay like that forever, so without waiting for an answer I carefully lifted her up in my arms and made my way over to her bedroom. I gently lowered her unto her bed and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. It seemed like the worst was over and I knew she’d appreciate a moment by herself to snap out of it.

I had witnessed many of Minju’s panic attacks, some worse than others but it was always equally as painful to see her struggle through them. It made me feel so powerless, because I couldn’t do anything to make them stop. But it always made me so proud that she never let the attacks take over her life and stop her from doing the things she loved even if they made things hard for her.

“ Feeling better?”

She didn’t look up at my words but continued to look down at the ground while playing with her fingers. I could tell she was embarrassed. No matter how many times I told her there was nothing to be ashamed of Minju would always avoid my eyes and curl into herself until those feeling passed.

I sat down next to her and gave her the glass of water. She still hadn’t answered or looked up so I leaned over and made her look at me.

“Oh baby please don’t cry, It’s all going to be ok. I promise.” I whispered as I took the glass from her again and put it on the nightstand.

At my words the tears that were b in her eyes finally fell down her face, so I used my dumbs to swipe them away and hugged her. After a few seconds she hugged me back and started crying harder. Her grip on my shirt was so strong it felt like it was going to rip. She started shaking again but this time it was from crying.

It took almost an hour for her sobs to turn into sniffles and eventually her breathing evened out and she fell asleep. She must be exhausted. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a week. I really need to pay more attention to her in the future.

I slowly untangled myself from her grip, which was still pretty strong despite the fact that she was asleep and softly laid her down on the bed. Knowing she might get cold I pulled out her favorite blanket to cover her sleeping form.

As I looked at her laying there I couldn’t help but stare. She looked heartbreakingly beautiful despite what had happened just moments ago. To me everything about her was lovely. Her long blond hair that laid fanned out all over her pillow and bed. Her cheeks that always seemed to be begging me to pinch them. Her petite lips that would pout adorably whenever I teased her. Her small chubby hands that fit perfectly in mine. Everything.

Unconsciously I sat down on the floor in front of her as I continued to watch her sleep. What started as innocently brushing some strands of hair out of her face soon became something else as my fingers lingered on her cheeks. Before I could stop myself I was tenderly tracing every feature of her face, still in awe of their beauty.

As I continued to study Minju’s sleeping face I could feel a familiar heartache take a hold of me. It had been a while since I had learned to accept that part of myself. The part of me that loved Minju more than a friend, more than a sister even. The part of me that loved Minju the way a lover loved his/her other half. The part of me that loved Minju as the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The part of me that loved Minju so much that it hurt.

I let out a deep sign as I buried my face in my hands. Accepting it didn’t mean it made it any easier to deal with, however. Ever since I stopped fighting my feelings, every second I spent with her was like a sweet torture I couldn’t—

No. A sweet torture I didn’t want to escape.

So I pretended like everything was fine and things were the same as they’d always been. Though whenever she touched me, whenever she looked at me with that sparkle in her eyes, whenever she told me she loved me, I would be consumed with so many thoughts that it was hard to pretend.

Thoughts of confessing to her. Thoughts of her feeling the same. Thoughts of finally being together without holding back. Those thoughts were dangerous like a fire, growing bigger and hotter every moment I spent with her. No matter what I did I was like a moth hopelessly drawn to that budding flame, her flame. But I knew I would never leave her, even if being with her would burn me alive.

But sometimes everything wasn’t fine. Sometimes the longing and heartbreak were too much to bear. Sometimes I couldn’t hide it and I needed a break. Those times I would isolate myself. The past week had been one of those times. Self-preservation had forced me to spend less time with her.

Luckily, the music departments’ showcase was a perfect excuse. Everyone knew Hoseok was very strict when it came to practicing for important performances. And boy was this one important. So I threw myself into preparing my part the best way I could. If I wasn’t at the studio I was at the practice room or at Hoseok’s apartment. I was eating, breathing, living my music. And it gave me the break I desperately needed.

But it had also made Minju more vulnerable. As much as Minju was a bright and bubbly person when around people she knew, she had always been a painfully shy kid when meeting new people. And since most of her friends were also my friends who had to practice with me, she had been spending a lot of time alone.

This attack was likely a result of that time alone and that realization was eating me up with guilt.

This is all my fault. Dammit, this one is on me. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I should’ve spent less time at the studio and come over more. I should’ve answered her calls more often or at least called her back immediately in case she needed me. I should’ve –

“It’s not your fault.”