"I'm just sick of staying up
Losing sleep, who gives a ?
Dont you? Dont you?"

====================

I dunno, but I felt like this day was my ing worst day. I've always felt outcasted when I was with my family or friends like I wasnt even visible to them, like there was a time that my friends invited me to go to the bar for a party, but all I ever got was the way they treated me like a waiter and gave me a silent treatment afterwards. Ughhh I wished I said no to them just to hang out with my bestfriend--oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Jaehwan. Kim Jaehwan. 21. Seoul native. and likes to sing. Music major in Howon University, but I also play soccer.

Ever since that incident happened, I cut my connections with them for a while. It still hurts me a lot considering they were my close friends. I spent the few days after the incident alone in my own apartment, specifically in my own bedroom, crying myself to sleep, but I couldnt even sleep tho. I' m honestly sick of this ing situation to the point that I shut myself out from everyone, even from my bestfriend Jennie.

"JJAENI-YAH! PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR! IT'S YA HOMIE, JENNIE."

Not now, Jennie. Not now. I hate this ing feeling. I hate everyone. I hate myself. Godingdamnit! Why cant y'all just leave me alone?

"KIM JAEHWAN! WHAT THE IS WRONG WITH YA?!"

Her tone suddenly rose, which made me panicked cos I know she'd be mad at me if I didnt. Do I even have a choice though? I suddenly wiped my tears and started my pretending game.

"What brings you here, homie?" I did the bro-fist gesture with her, but she didnt respond.
"Dude, do you think I was born yesterday? I knew what happened last night, and I'm here to comfort you."
"Homie, to be honest, not this time. I dun need that."
"Whether you like it or not, you need it."
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I DUN NEED YOUR COMFORT? JUST GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU MOTHERER!" I've already lost my mind to the point that I didnt realise I already pushed her on the grounds.
"WOW. REALLY WOW, KIM JAEHWAN. IS THIS WHAT YOURE GONNA PAY ME AFTER ALL THAT WE BUILT ON OUR FRIENDSHIP? FOR 10 ING YEARS?"
"L-lo-look, homie. I'm so sorry. I didnt mean to be that wa--"
"Dun call me homie, and I dun have a homie who's a ing dickhead."
"Jennie...I know it's my fault, but I really dont have and intention to be that way. I just wanted to say that leave me alone."
"Fine. I'm gonna leave you alone, but I wont bother you anymore cos from now one, we're already over."

As she walked away after she said those words, realisation hit me so hard ,and that was the time that I snapped. There was one thing that she doesnt know, that I've already fell for her not long ago, but I was uncertain of my feelings back then. Yes, you heard it right. I'm secretly in love with my bestfriend since high school years (altho we became bffs since 3rd grade), but I didnt have any guts to confess cos I dun want to ruin our friendship. I admitted it was really a move from me, but I dun want her to see my weakness triggering from my veins. I wanted to be as gentleman and manly to her even though we're bestfriends, but as the monent came when she wanted to cut our friendship out, I couldnt help but blame myself and my ing stupidity. How could I ever do this to the only one who understands me a lot? to my bestfriend? to the one I secretly loved?

If the incident between me and my close friends made me get less sleep, this thing between me and ny bestfriend is the worst. I literally couldnt sleep at all. Guilt is mainly haunting me right now, and I couldnt stand it to the point that few days later, I went to her house to apologise personally.

"JENNIE! I KNOW YOURE THERE! PLEASE LETS TALK. I COULDNT STAND THIS ANYMORE. T.T"

Unfortunately, it seemed like no one was there on their house, but I dun believe and pressed the door bell again and again, insisting that she was hiding inside until the door's moving in front of me.

"WHAT DO YOU EVEN ING WANT, KIM JAEHWAN? DID YOU EVEN GET THE POINT THAT I DUN WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?!"
"Jennie-yah, I'm really so sorry. I'm sorry if I threw those words onto you. I honestly didnt mean to be that way. I was only want you to leave me alone for a while cos I wanted to shut everybody out. I dun want you to worrh about me. I dun want you to see my weakness."
"Then you should let me help you at the first place, but youve been eaten by your own ing ego. You know what, this already proved me that you didnt fully trust me as your bestfriend. Youre a ING WEAKLING and a COWARD."
"Jennie..."
"Nope, Jaehwan. I'm not gonna buy that. We're already over." And she went back inside, after she closed the damn door.

Why was it so unfair? I already apologised for what I've said, and I know it was not enough for her to forgive me, but why? Why did it have to be this way? It's okay if she told me she wanted me away from her for a while, but friendship over? I dun think I can handle this...especially when I was too late. Too late to tell her I ing love her. It was truly the ing worst moment.

Few days since then, I got my together and went with the flow. Home, school, library, home, and home, school, library, home. This was become my daily routine for me to forget those memories that were haunting me until this recent moment, since those thoughts and memories wouldnt leave alone, I decided to go to the bar. Alone.

While on my way, I saw someone familiar going to the subway, but then suddenly boiled my head up when that someone was with one of the guys that treated me like , and theyre ing together like theyre even holding hands. Yes, you heard it right. That someone was best---I mean, ex-bestfriend Jennie and that guy was one of my ex-close friends, Aron. Well, good riddance. Really. What a good riddance it is. Anyways, good thing they didnt even see me, and I continued walking my way on the destination.

As I went inside the bar, I ordered three glasses of champagne, and drank right away. I literally cried and shouted my thoughts out loud, not caring about the fact that there were many people here.

"SERIOUSLY WHAT THE . I EVEN APOLOGISED TO YOU, BUT YOU DIDNT HEAR MY EXPLANATION, THEN YOURE WITH ONE OF THE BOYS THAT I HATED THE MOST. ARE YOU TRYING PLAY WITH ME, JENNIE KIM? THEN COME ON IM GONNA EVEN PLAY THAT ING GAME WITH YOU. I WONT BUDGE THIS ."

I dunno if it's gonna help me or not, kr the people around me might be scared or not, but I dun care anymore. I felt like betrayed. I know I'm not in the right position to think that way, but would you blame me for this ?

I was about to order more glasses when suddenly a stranger was already beside me on that ing high table, but instead, that person gave me a handkerchief.

"You alright dear?"