Chiang Mai, Thailand

 

 

“Are you sure about this?” I nodded at Vic unnie with all the decisiveness I have left inside.

 

“She already told you a dozen times to stay away from her…”

 

“I won’t give up unnie…”

 

“Even if she pushes you away again?"

 

"If it happens... it will be the last time." 

 

 

I am my own person. I will decide for myself and won’t let anyone dictate to me what to do.

 

I have my own mind. I know what I’m doing. No one can stop me from doing this today.

 

Even if she pushes me away AGAIN.

 

How many times did she pushed me away?

 

Three?…

 

Four?…

 

Sixth if she will be stubborn again.

 

Well bad for her…

 

I’m stubborn as a bull too.

 

Taking deep breaths to calm myself down, my heart beating fast. I have to do this or forever I won’t see her again. This is my last chance… my last try before finally accepting that she and I are really not meant to be.

 

That I am only deluding myself…

 

But I LOVE HER…

 

This is not just a silly infatuation like she always say.

 

My heart screams her name in every freaking time I think of her.

 

I love her even though she said those words directly in my face…

 

“Stay away from me…”

 

How many times have she stated clearly those words to me?…

 

I lost count…

 

Because everytime she will say those words… I see her lips trembling and her eyes shining with tears and yearning… like calling out my name.

 

That’s why I have to know the reason once and for all.

 

WHY?

 

Why do you keep on pushing me away?

 

Why do you keep on denying me?

 

Why do you keep on denying yourself of love you deserve?

 

WHY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The answers to my questions were answered while the two of us stood face to face in the middle of her room.

 

The two of us separated by a meter of space… so near yet so far.

 

I wanted to touch her face and envelop her body in an embrace but…. she keeps her distance on me.

 

Her eyes… her beautiful eyes that sparkles when she’s satisfied on the fruit of her passion… helping those in need. One of the reasons why my heart beats for her and for her only.

 

But in the quietness of the night, her eyes emits so much sadness and longing, regret, while staring back at me.

 

Our eyes flooded with tears while I listen to her tell me the reason why she wants me out of her life.

 

“I am not good for you! How many times do I have to tell you that!?”

 

“Who are you to tell me that?! I know what’s good for me… YOU ARE! You changed my life… I became a better person because of you. You helped me realize my potential and my worth in life… you encouraged me to become a better version of me. You are the reason why I stand before you now… this is me…” I took a deep breath and slowly took a step forward reaching for her hands.

 

Her knuckles turning white while she clutches her fist hard controlling herself. She didn’t move from her spot, our eyes still connected.

 

Me challenging her to push me away again. To turn me down again…

 

“Tell me… tell me you don’t love me. Tell me all those gestures and smiles… those laughters… all of that are not real. TELL ME!!!” she bit her trembling lips and took a deep breath still looking at me.

 

“Just…go. Go and live your life as should be. Be the person you should be… follow your dreams… your passion. Go back home and forget about me. Don’t waste your time…” she took a step back and broke our connection, walking to the open window brushing her hair back. The moonlight shining on her beautiful face.

 

The face that the whole world adored. The face and demeanor that made the whole fashion world crazy… the face that turned everyone’s world upside down with just her smile.

 

The face that once graced top fashion magazines, walked every runways at Fashion Week. Made a lot of girls and guys crazy.

 

The world she suddenly left without any explanation. 

 

The face that everyone else love… including me, her number 1 fan.

 

But behind the pretty face is a heart full of kindness and sympathy for those people in need and suffering.

 

“Why do you keep on hurting me?…”

 

“Its better to be hurt today and leave… than be with me and keep hurting every single day that you will feel the regret in the future.” she turned around and placed her two hands inside the pocket of her khaki shorts, looking at me with tenderness. “Go back to your room and have a rest… ask Vic to drive you tomorrow to the airport. Just…. go back home. Live your life to the fullest and forget about me.”

 

“How can I even live my life to the fullest… when you’re not even beside me? I want to share my life with you but you won’t let me!”

 

“Because this is what’s best for you! This… you staying away from me!”

 

“YOU!… You are what’s best for me… please… don’t make me leave and forget you because I won’t do that…” tears threatened to fall from my eyes but I am holding it back. I have to be firm…

 

“Everyone forgets a person when they already left this world. A week or two… a hundred days… months… years. You’ll forget me eventually. I’m just saving you for a major heart break.”

 

I snickered to myself hearing her say those words. Controlling myself not to burst out in tears but my voice betraying me. “You’re breaking my heart just now…”

 

She sat on the floor leaning her back on the wall of her room. Her head dropping and started to sob like a child. Her sobs full of sorrow. I dropped on my knees and reached for her hands… it was cold... so cold. I placed her palms on both side of my cheeks sharing the warmth coming from inside me and whispered with tears in my eyes. “Please… don’t push me away. Whatever it is you are afraid of… let me help you.”

 

She raised her head, tears streaming down her face and rested her forehead against mine. Her voice quivering, almost choking in tears while trying to speak.

 

“I don’t want you to regret anything. I want you to go on and follow your dreams… do what you love. Write and tell the world the stories you have inside that brilliant mind of yours.” she reached for my face cupping my cheeks too, I closed my eyes and let go of the tears I’ve been trying to hold. “I love you… so much… but I can’t bear to think that in the end… I will just break your heart. I want you to be happy…”

 

“But that happiness won’t be complete without you… I’d rather take that risk until the end you are talking about… be it the end of the world. You’re all I want in this world to be happy… for once let me be selfish… just once… I love you so much… Amber… I will do everything just don’t tell me to go away.”

 

“Krys…” she released my face from her hold and leaned back resting her back on the wall. Her hands her thighs while looking down on the floor. I dragged my myself forward kneeling in between her legs. Cradling her face, my thumb caresses her cheeks wiping the tears… she lost a bit of weight and her lips pale. What happened to you Amber?….

 

“Tell me… please… what’s wrong with you? Are you sick?! Do we need to ask for a second opinion? My Father is an Oncologist.. I’ll ask him for a favor… I’ll do everything Amber… please… tell me…”

 

She stared at me with her eyes full of emotions. A tearful smile slowly graced her lips while staring back at me, studying my face like its her last time she will see me. It was a hopeless smile… a smile I don’t want to see…

 

“Krys… its impossible.”

 

How can it be impossible?

 

“What do you mean?…”

 

She fumbled with the hem of her shirt, looking at me with uncertainty. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before lifting her shirt up taking it off. Amber wasn’t wearing anything, the sight of her bare body causing the blush on my cheeks.

 

I know I should look away and I tried… but its just… too hard.

 

Especially when my eyes landed on a tattoo that caught my attention. Just above her navel… inked on her skin forever.

 

My body froze momentarily. My heart started beating so loud. Not believing what I’m seeing…

 

It can’t be…

 

My limbs trembling while my hands slowly reach out to her. Touching the permanent art that made my heart heavy. Maybe this is just a joke…

 

But this kind of things are not meant to be a joke Krystal…

 

I looked up to Amber and saw her looking at me with all the courage she can get from biting her lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A red ribbon…

 

A date underneath it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She released a sigh and slowly stood up from the floor covering her body with the shirt. “Now tell me, Krystal Jung… are you still serious about all the things you just said?” I rose from the floor looking at her, my mind in a jumble.

 

There are so many questions in my head right now. Questions I want to ask her but I think it has to wait. What is important now is to prove to Amber that I won’t give up.

 

I’m willing to take the risk…

 

Just to be with you.

 

She looked away and headed to the door opening it. Holding the door and met my gaze, her challenging gaze that she always gives me before when she wants to test my limits at the volunteering projects her group does. Waiting for me to decide if I will run outside and leave her.

 

I won’t.

 

I won’t leave.

 

Never.

 

With all the strength and stubbornness I have in me, I made my way to the door and closed it in a lock. Amber and I looking at each other with so much emotions that anytime will break. She took my hands holding it tight and broke down into tears smiling at me. I can see fear, but behind those fear I see relief, I see hope. A small hope that for now is enough.

 

I chuckled in my tears smiling at her too, “Don’t open the door at night… you don’t want me catching mosquitoes like Bruce Lee later… right?”

 

“You and your with mosquitoes Krystal Jung…”

 

“Mosquito Killer Jung at your service…”

 

“Why are you so stubborn Krystal Jung?!”

 

“Its in my blood, there’s nothing you can do about it.” she snorted with a smile.

 

She pulled me for a hug both of us embracing each other sharing warmth in this cool, December night in Chiang Mai. Tomorrow, everything changes.

 

All I need in this world is you Amber… only you.

 

I will follow my dreams and write all the stories I have inside my head. But I want to do it beside you because its you who gives me the inspiration and strength to go on and achieve that dream. My dream of sharing my stories to everyone through my writing.   

 

I’ll make sure you will be okay… we will fight this together.

 

For the first time, the vulnerable side of Amber showed. I have always known her for being tough, strict… but soft when happy.

 

“We will go through this together. I will be here beside you always, holding your hands.” we broke the hug wiping each others’ faces full of tears.

 

She brushes her nose on my cheek, her hoarse voice full of affection. “Its not gonna be easy Krys…”

 

I reached for her face cupping it, and smiled at her nodding my head “I know… but we have each other. I will take care of you Amber… it won’t be easy, there will be days that are gloomy. But I will make sure the gloominess goes away and all we will have are happy days... I love you Amber. I won’t ever leave you and you can’t make me leave you. We are going to fight this together, okay?…”

 

She nodded as a response making me smile. Both of us sniffling from crying but its okay, it will go away. She wrapped her arms around my waist pulling me closer, the gladness in my heart overflowing.

 

Hope, positivity, and acceptance.

 

Its all we need.

 

Its all Amber needs.

 

“I love you too Krystal…”

 

I won’t lose hope on you Amber nor give up.

 

Every morning will be a new beginning and every dawn will be a new ending.  

 

“More than a dozen lifetimes…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A/N:

Tissue please.