7:30pm

Dimlit place, a light bulb above him makes him sweat a bit. The pristine, flawless suit he wears seems so out of place from his mind, when all he wants is to sleep, and maybe watch some animé. He looks at his wristwatch, old enough that the screen protector is gone now; two faint lines of scratches on the round glass of his ticker.

7:34 pm, it indicates.

He sighs as he puts his right hand on top of the elegant looking table and touches the elegant looking wine glass with his pinky finger. The thin silver band just beside the finger of his pinky bothers him, if not too much.

A waiter goes to him, smiling, just like the smile plastered on the said man's face 20 minutes ago when Jongin sat on the wooden chair.

"Hello, sir. Do you want to order something while you wait? Appetizer or salad?" the man in white and black attire tells him. Jongin's brows furrow a bit at that because he doesn't want to eat without him. Or he wants to eat with him. He smiles, mirroring the other's face.

"I'll call if I want to order something," he says calmly, his face still with that smile. He doesn't want to scare the waiter. The latter nods and starts to walk away when Jongin looks back, his body twisting a bit. If Kyungsoo's here, he'll definitely get a scold for being unsophisticated. But he's not here.

"Can I get a wine? White. Just a glass," he says. The waiter stops at that and looks back at him, a kind smile on his face, a bit cheery.

"Okay, sir."

Jongin looks back at his front again, fingers on his right hand fiddling.

The wine arrives. And Jongin sips as minute ticks by every 60 seconds. Everytime the door makes a noise of ding, signaling a person's arrival; Jongin looks up. But after some minutes, he couldn't care less.

8:02 pm.

Jongin thumbs over his phone, caressing the a-bit-rough screen protector. He taps it twice, and the screen comes to live. He swipes to right, and the wallpaper blinds him a bit. Maybe, because of the screen brightness. But the smile on the wallpaper blinds his mind.

He taps the messaging icon, scrolls a bit to get into the thread he's looking for. He ignores the laugh trapped on his throat from the realisation that he has to scroll to see the conversation. When was the last time they talked?

He taps the conversation, and starts to type a message. His fringes, sideways, playing as curtain on the left side of his brow and forehead. And maybe, also to his eye.

'what hour are you comin?'

He taps send.

He looks up, and lets his eyes wander at the place. Its too dark. Too dark to make a perfect attempt of candle lit dinner. He looks at the left side to see a lone person. A woman with sharp eyes and sharp nose. But her eyes, though sharp, are sad. And the way her fingers play at the fine cotton napkin, still on its fine origami folded form, he knows she's sad.

Jung Soojung.

He looks away before the rookie actress find him. They're not friends. But they worked together before and became acquaintance enough to know she's dating a veteran artist, almost a decade ahead of them; and enough for her to know he's in the same boat. Dating someone on the spotlight. He knows she's having it rough with the veteran actor now. He wants to talk to her. But not now. When all he wants is to stand and walk out of this dark place.

He doesn't want Soojung to know he's also having it rough, too. The embarrassment that came into him with the thought of what ifs.

What if Soojung sees him and asks him who's he's waiting? Who is he waiting for almost half an hour now? He doesn't want the other to see Kyungsoo on the negative side.

The door dings and Jongin hopes its Kyungsoo and not the veteran actor. He's hoping it's Kyungsoo instead of the man that Soojung is waiting.

He looks up.

And sees Jung Jihoon, Soojung's lover for five years.

Jongin gulps the pain in his heart. The envy that slowly creeps onto his spine. But he swallows it along with a sip of wine.

He hears his phone rings for a message notification. It's Kyungsoo.

8:11 pm. The phone says.

'i'll be late for few minutes. Eat if you're hungry. Dont wait for me'

He reads the message for a couple of time before he taps for the type message icon. He wants to tell Kyungsoo that no food here can make him full. That it's an expensive restaurant serving small portion of food for hundred dollars. But it makes Kyungsoo feels accomplished of spoiling Jongin. So he sighs and closes his phone.

He looks at side when he hears a chair screeching silently, and looks down when he sees that Soojung is standing up along with her companion. Jihoon smiles at her and ushers her to the more private part of the restaurant, for those who doesn't want prying stares. They both ignore a couple of waiters, who are smiling with their trained smiles, as if Soojung and Jihoon are just two usual couple, and not a couple of famous and public personalities. Jongin tries to ignore the swelling of his heart, and the feeling of something on the pit of his stomach.

He looks at his whitegold wristwatch for the countless time that night.

8:14 pm.

He calls for a waiter. The same waiter from earlier.

Jongin smiles and pretends to read at the menu, the leather cover feels so familiar for holding the same thing frequently these months.

"Chicken fillet, chopped. Orange glazed," he says, a bit slowly. "And single grilled pizza bread, no chipotle, please," he finishes and gives the menu folder at the waiter.

"Yes, sir, right away," the waiter says, and Jongin briefly look at the nametag.

Taeil, it says.

Minutes have passed, the soft tune of soft rock songs to countryside fills his mind and ears. He's still listening when there's a chime of bell in his side. There, Taeil stands and giving him a kind smile while setting the plates in front of him. Jongin lets out a smile again and thanks the waiter. Mentioning his name now.

The waiter walks away and Jongin, again, casts a glance at his ticker.

8:26 pm.

He starts to fork a piece of chicken and lets the savoury taste invades his tongue. He sips on his cranberry juice. He spends some minutes staring, observing the pieces of ingredients on his food. He guesses internally the taste of the foods.

A chime of the door breaks him from his reveries. He looks up to see the woman at the book log gaping at the man in fine suit and slicked hair, his face in confine of his glass.
Kyungsoo saunters towards him, heels of his shoes kissing the floor as he gets closer to Jongin. Kyungsoo takes his coat off and puts it at the back rest of the heavy chair, and takes off his glasses, also.

"Sorry, I'm late," he says. His gruffy voice sends shiver through Jongin, in both bad and good ways. "Gotta take the longer route."

Jongin nods as Kyungsoo picks the menu at the table. He grips on the utensil tighter as Kyungsoo proceeds to look at the menu, not bothering to ask him why he ordered already. Or why there's a menu folder already on his table even before he arrives at the place.

---

Kyungsoo cuts the fine meat of beef, thin and skirt, and takes it into his mouth. The taste satisfied him a bit, and cuts a bigger piece to taste it more. He casts a glance at Jongin, who is silently eating his bread. He cuts a piece of beef again, but looks at Jongin.

"How was your day earlier?" he says, eyes train to the beauty in front of him. The other looks at him and shrugs. Kyungsoo smiles.
The place is dark, too dark and Kyungsoo almost regret it that he chose this restaurant. Because he can't see Jongin's face. He can't see if Jongin has sauce on his lips.

"'twas fine," Jongin says as he stabs another piece of chicken lightly. "The photoshoot went well," the younger proceeds before he eats the piece of meat. Kyungsoo waits for another words. A word. Or maybe a rant, if he's lucky and deserving enough. He's waiting for another round of mumbles between those thick lips of Jongin. Waiting for Jongin to complain about his never-satisfied-photographer friend Sehun. But instead, Jongin asked him back. Kyungsoo smiles a bit. Albeit sadly.

"Filming is done, mostly, I mean. Needs to film with Insung hyung for the last touch up but he's at Japan right now," he tells Jongin. The latter nods. And Kyungsoo got an idea to make this dinner less dull. He picks his fork up and steals a piece of chicken on Jongin's plate. The younger's dumbfouded expression is not a surprise. No one touches Jongin's food. Specially chicken dishes.

"Did you just steal my food?" the younger says in astonishment. Kyungsoo giggles a bit in his fist that holds the sticky fork. Jongin leans in and takes the almost half steak that Kyungsoo's eating. Kyungsoo would not complain because there's another whole steak in his plate. But Jongin being immature back to him makes him smile, his heart doing somersaults in silent scream. He forks at the steak on Jongin's plate and about to bring it back to his plate when Jongin acts like he'll stab Kyungsoo's hand with the fork.

Kyungsoo lets go with a laugh and Jongin scoffs. Seconds passes as they continue to eat. The tensed atmosphere coming back before they can even escape it. Kyungsoo glancing at Jongin from time to time and Jongin squirming at his seat, finding the right time to talk about something, or nothing at all.

Kyungsoo clears his throat to get the younger's attention, which he succeeds. He smiles before opening his mouth. Making sure to have Jongin's full attention first.

"I'm free next week. I have three days vacation," he starts. He fiddles with the utensil as Jongin doesn't show any changes of expression. "I.. I think we could be together." he says.

"You think?" Jongin says. His tone, usual and chipped, makes Kyungsoo nervous with no apparent reason. But maybe there is.

"I want. I mean, I want to be with you. On my free times," he says, more firmly and determination standing on his shoulder.

Jongin looks down on his plate. He fiddles with the fork, making the remaining edge of pizza dough flipping side to side.

"I have a fashion week to attend to Paris next week," Jongin says quietly. It's as if he's scared to say those things to Kyungsoo. The latter feels the disappointment enters him. But before he could rebut, Jongin talks again.

"But I can cancel that," Kyungsoo's about to disagree, but Jongin cuts him again. "I can attend the fashion week next next week at Tokyo. Less stress and I can bring my mom too," Jongin says as he cuts the pizza dough and dips the piece onto the orange sauce. Kyungsoo stares, trying to find a false look in Jongin's eyes. But he can't. When Jongin's looking down at his plate.

Kyungsoo sighs and smiles. He takes Jongin's right hand with his left hand, his thumb caressing the metal band at Jongin's ring finger.

"Okay," Kyungsoo says, eyes to eyes with Jongin now. "Let's go somewhere far away next week. And I want to go to that fashion week on Tokyo. I want to go there, too," he says with a smile that Jongin mirrors before looking down.

And it doesn't matter if the light is a bit dimmed, because the entire dinner, Jongin didn't look at him straight for a minute. Even for a minute. And maybe, maybe its better to not see the sadness and numbness in those eyes. Kyungsoo's heart shatters a bit. The guilt crippling in his chest stays a bit, nesting and consuming his heart, not mind; and he feels nothing but loneliness. Even with Jongin in front of him. Loneliness and guilt kissing, making love inside of him.

He gulps when Jongin looks at him and smiles, and immediately looks down.

The pain sits there. Watching them.

---

The wind are not harsh tonight, just simply dumping on their cheeks and ruining Jongin's soft locks. How much Kyungsoo wants to card his fingers there. How much he want to sniff those fringe.

They stands in front of Kyungsoo's car, the shiny black car can compete with the stars at the night sky. Kyungsoo picks his carkey inside his pocket and looks at Jongin.

"I can drive you home," he says. He offers. He silently begs. But Jongin just shook his head and smiles.

"No need, Soo," the nickname sends a spark inside Kyungsoo. His breathe almost hitched, but instead he a lungfull of air anf pretends the chill of night made him tremble. "You'll be late with the filming. I don't want to bother," Jongin says.

He's about to retort, to tell Jongin he's not a bother. That he'll give Jongin the time and attention he deserves if he just ask him. But his phone rings, and the name on the screen sends a bed of annoyance and sadness. He answers the call. Because he can't really decline his manager.

"Hello," he says simply.

"Where are you? The recording starts in 35 minutes," Junmyeon reminds him. He looks up when Jongin shoves a phone in front of his face.

'9:35 pm' glares at him. Jongin pockets his phone as Kyungsoo gives Junmyeon a series of reassuring words that he's coming for the radio recording. It's live. It'll be on air later tonight.He needs to be there.

"Jongin," he starts. But Jongin waves him off. Jongin takes off the scarf around his neck and curls it around Kyungsoo's neck. Jongin leans in and kisses his fringe. Hid forehead. Kisses his sanity away.

Jongin leans back even before the kiss gets warmer, and smiles at him.

"Go. I'll listen to the radio later once I get home," Jongin says with a promise. Kyungsoo grips the coat, coating his torso more as the wind gets chilly. Colder.

"Okay," Kyungsoo says. And he wants to kiss Jongin before he drives away. He wants to tug those soft strands and kisses the air and life out of Jongin. He wants to take him in his arms. Wants to touch those cheeks he can't remember the feeling anymore. He wants to touch that neck and kisses the middle of those collarbones. But the time is running.

"Okay," Jongin murmurs before opening Kyungsoo's driver's seat. The latter enters. Kyungsoo doesn't bother to set the window down for another look to Jongin. He won't leave if he ever see those yearning and longing eyes again.

And for the first time, the routine of making promises silently after restaurant dinners, Kyungsoo doesn't mutter a vow of making himself a better lover for Jongin.

Instead, he breathes a sigh of relief that he'll be on time. Jongin would understand. Just like when he understands whenever Jongin has to go with other people for a photoshoot.

It's job. They can't be mad to each other just because of their works.

---

Jongin runs his finger on the steering wheel. He taps his fingers with the beat of thd music softly blasting inside the car. Junmyeon's soft, pained and lonely voice rings inside. He hums the last part and lets the next song invades him. It's Baekhyun's song now.

The song that is topping the chart now. He remembers the friendly competition between the singer and Kyungsoo. Baekhyun, a lifetime singer and only once enter the acting industry, bet that Kyungsoo would not top his duet with another popular singer, Suzy. The song, Dream, topped all the music charts all around the country. Won few music awards and even the prestigious MAMA. It was the breakthrough of Baekhyun's fame, the song winning awards despite the lack, or zero for the real situation, Baekhyun and Suzy didn't promote the song even once. The rising singer bet that Kyungsoo's upcoming duet with their vocal trainor won't top his. And Baekhyun was right.

But to say that he got scared and almost dessertet his own self from the public is an understatement. The song that Kyungsoo recorded with the trainor, topped the charts, though didn't stay for weeks, but it was dynamical. It topped last week and after few days, it would appear again on top 3, if not top 2. And now, Baekhyun released another song. He must admit. The song deserves the recognition it's getting. Baekhyun is a great singer. One of the greatest he's ever heard.

Jongin's bobbing his head a bit when the red lights go on and the car behind him honks. He drives again. The soft words and Baekhyun's voice, almost humming, gives him enough lax.

Once the street to the private condominium visits his vision, he stops the music player and enters the lobby hurriedly. Inside the elevator, he looks at his wristwatch.

10:13 pm.

He still have some minutes before the recording starts. He walks fast once he walks out of the elevator. Punching the code to the condo's scan, he throws his coat and not caring where it lands when he enters, as he saunters inside the place.

He enters the bedroom and immediately takes a usb inside the drawer. He connects his phone to the mini speaker on top of Kyungsoo's table. He smiles when he sees the frame of pictures on the table. Two of them are their pictures. One recent and one is almost three years old. He's smiling. But the pain still lingers there, too deep or too lost to know where it hurts.

He picks the handy speaker and puts it on the bed beside his phone. He puts the dustplug of his earphone to the phone for the substitute antenna. He opens the radio on his phone, doesn't need to put it on speaker mode when he connects it to a real speaker already.

The first thing he hears is Junmyeon's laughter along with Jongdae, another singer but plays as the mc of the readio station. He stands up to change into tshirt and pyjamas when he hears Kyungsoo's voice.

"I don't actually know.." he says and leaves the sentence hanging. Jongin's putting his coat to a hanger stick and is now shrugging the tshirt. Its when he's about to put his other leg on the pyjama when he stops as he listen to the conversation.

"Next, next week, we invited Baekhyun and he said he wants to be with you," Jongdae says and both Junmyeon and Kyungsoo snickers and laugh at that. Jongin slips into his pyjamas and jumps onto the bed.

"I'll definitely go," he hears Kyungsoo says cheerfully. He stops for seconds, and slumps down on the bed beside the phone and speaker, his chest hurting painfully.

Kyungsoo's words inside the restaurant, the want to go to Jongin's fashion week at Tokyo seems to fade so easily. But Jongin ignores it. They're gonna spend the rest of weekend, anyways; he reasons. The burn in his heart is still there.

Jongdae's next words got him stop breathing.

"So, Kyungsoo, as Junmyeon begged now to stop roasting him," another round of groaning and laugher, "some fans here are sending me messages that you were with Kim Kai earlier, before going ro recording," Junmyeon's teasing noises didn't give him peace. He doesn't know but he feels pain right now. Kyungsoo's grumbling sounds and shy chuckle makes Jongin yearns for more. More than dinners under dimlit places and expensive foods, clinking wine glass and Kyungsoo murmuring some lyrics out of habit; not for Jongin.

"Ah. Yeah. We were on a date," Kyungsoo says confidently. And Jongin would smile, would laugh at that. But all he lets out are long breathy exhales.

"Wow! Seems like the industry's power couple are still strong, stronger than ever,"
Jongin does laughs when Kyungsoo says 'yes' a bit too fast. And they went on talks about lots of things. And jongdae once again talks about him.

"So Kyungsoo, you've been engaged with Kim Kai for a year now. The nation are thinking when's the big day," and Junmyeon grumbles while Jongdae laughs. And Jongin wants nothing but to scream that he, too, is waiting.

"When is the tie knotting?"

Kyungsoo laughs.

"It will come. But not now, I guess,"

A hearbreak. Jongin's eyes are warm and they sting as he smiles.

"Have you talk to him about it?" Jongdae asked more.

"Yeah. We've talked about it," Kyungsoo answers smoothly.

'Liar,' Jongin wants to say. But he just continue to smile.

"I'm sure he understand," Kyungsoo says.

Jongin closes his eyes.

"He's the most understanding lover," Kyungsoo adds.

Jongin's face breaks into a big smile despite the tears.

He lets the tears flow. The image of Kyungsoo asking him a year ago if he wants to get married to him. He remembers when Kyungsoo took his hands and put them on his waist as the elder tip toed to kiss Jongin nicely on the lips. He remembers those nights of eating inside their bed, not in some expensive herbs and spit of sauce.

He remembers when Kyungsoo cried when he said he bought them fine designed engagement rings. He remembers how they made love that night. Kyungsoo so tight around him, whispers of love and vows.

He remembers when Kyungsoo told him they should get married. As long as Jongin doesn't worry. So Jongin doesn't have to worry. To give Jongin enough assurance.

It dawns to Jongin months ago. That maybe, maybe Kyungsoo pinned him down so he's oblige to not look at others, other than him. It dawns to him that maybe, Kyungsoo just wants to be assured that Jongin won't leave him. That Jongin won't turn his back to Kyungsoo because they're engaged, even if Kyungsoo does something, he won't leave. Even if Kyungsoo won't give him enough attention, it's fine. It's fine because they're engaged, anyways. Or so Kyungsoo thought.

"I have filming again and maybe a solo album? No one knows!"

"I still need to film some cfs and have to finish a shooting. Tiring but worth it,"

"I am planning of visiting Jeju actually with my family"

"Ah, I don't know? Jongin is busy the whole month because of the fashion weeks here and there, even outside the country"

And Jongin lets the tears flow like rivers as he yearns for touches and cuddles. Longing for attention and love. Wanting kisses and sleepless make loves. Ageless eskimos and sweet nothings.

His phone dings for a notification. A message.

His smile drops softly as he reads the message.

'I'm sorry,' the message says.

Jongin curls on top of the bed, half of his face digs on to the bed. His silent sobs raining in the four walls of his dark room. Their dark room.

His throat hurts from the pent up frustrations and he lets them go, tears falling. As long as Kyungsoo won't see him. As long as Kyungsoo doesn't worry. As long as Kyungsoo won't know he's not okay.

Jongdae chose that moment to play Junmyeon's new song, the latter's duet with another singer. He hears the soft, whispers of lyrics. The woman's voice is soft, enticing. But it's the lyrics that pulls Jongin through.

'She knows
She’s taking this time for granted
The door opens and he enters
But it’s as if I’m not even here..'

His heart is yearning. Longing. Crying and in pain. The silent sobs continues, Jongin's fingers digging onto his skin as he tries to stop, palm over his dumpen face.

Junmyeon's voice follows, his voice mellow and emotional. Between pain and something more.

'He knows
His head, only filled with the sound of music
He’s saying the lyrics towards her
But it’s as if I’m not even here..'

He feels nothing but numbness and loneliness.

'With our backs to each other
The dining will be done
You make me alone
Feel so alone..'

He feels so, so, so lonely.