Darkness swallows the entire city tonight, engulfing large skyscrapers with hanging clouds and fogginess. Apartment windows keep turning off their lights, some to head out and party the night away, some to get much-needed sleep in this hectic world. There was only a couple of lit up rooms left, some cars were passing by them to get home, or to get away.

In one of those windows, some harsh light flickers above two women, who can only stare at each other. Between hospital sirens, loud voices from the outside world, and a radio playing softly on the counter, they say nothing. In this moment, all they can do is breathe, only stare at one another, only feeling what words can’t communicate properly.

Knowing, understandingly, that they were just postponing the outcome.

It takes a few seconds of more silence. By then, an ambulance has passed them by with blue and red lights entering the cramped space of their studio apartment, and by then, Joohyun feels her heart break a little more. Every tick on that clock above, reminds her that sooner than later, the next tick will speed up the inevitable.

Reminds her that what is theirs, may soon only be hers.

Singular.

Hers.

Alone.

“Stay,” Joohyun barely manages to utter through the course of the night, her voice hoarse from tears she had tried to disguise. It comes out softly, raspy, and though she hates to admit it – her voice shows the desperation for something that she shouldn’t want anymore. For something that she couldn’t have anymore, because the other didn’t want her anymore.

Dark eyes gaze back at her, where the intensity had faded so much over time, that it felt like they were dull at this point. No emotion seems to be present in those almond shaped eyes, those dark pupils with such an empty glare that once used to be gentle.

Gentle - Soft, caring, searching, as if to make sure her partner always got what she needed. It almost made Joohyun laugh, thinking about how those eyes once guarded her so carefully while she was sick, tired, crying, lost, helpless, worthless…

They could be gentle if they wanted to, at least. A gaze just like that had the same physiological affect as one has with hot tea during a cold – soothing, refreshing, and though it doesn’t really help, the associations make you believe differently. And those eyes, slanted with short lashes and dark irises, took over Joohyun’s vulnerable heart with warmth, sometimes support, and rare times; tough love.

Sometimes, her gaze felt as if they commanded her to give her being, her entire self, in the sake of spontaneous passion. Short lived, intense, hot flames that spark between two lovers, thinking the spark would be enough to burn itself deeper, was probably what it was.

There is no spark this time, only the remains of a woman seemingly out of breath, with nothing left to give. Nothing left to show. Nothing in the world that seems to make her want to gasp for air and relive who she once was.

Nothing, in that moment, seems to convince Seulgi that she can just get out of the cold and breathe again, if she would let Joohyun help her. She’s always tried to be the other woman’s sense of warmth, comfort, but sometimes setting fire to keep Seulgi warm, burns her out. Burns Joohyun out to the point that she sometimes can’t keep up, can’t provide what she needs, and that sometimes, she shuts herself out, too.

The only difference is, Joohyun always bounces back. She comes back, she forgives, she moves on.

Seulgi doesn’t want to go back anymore.

So, with that, Joohyun already knows that it’s over. Though her heart wants to believe otherwise, her head had already picked up on the signs.

Seulgi doesn’t have to utter anything, doesn’t have to make a sound, or let her know by words, what has been happening.

She says it through her empty gaze that doesn’t seem to even want to look at her.

She says it through her hands in her pocket, grasping around her phone, waiting for some kind of sign perhaps. A new job to take her away from her, a new lover to distract her, a new place that offers all the excitement Joohyun apparently can’t give her.

She says it through her stance, tall yet defensive. Keeping her head held high, but her lips almost quiver, and maybe there is some emotion there after all.

Maybe, though far-fetched, she sees life without Joohyun and regrets doing this already, yet she doesn’t realize it at this moment.

Joohyun takes another deep breath, trying to let the emotions stay intact. “I don’t want a lot from you right now,” she begins softly. “I’m just asking for tonight,” she utters as the silence that follows stretches on. Hoping that Seulgi gets it, that she knows what is going on and what is going to happen. That Joohyun isn’t playing pretend that everything is fine and when they wake up, it will all be okay.

She’s not that naïve.

At least, not anymore.

A ticking clock makes the lack of conversation even more apparent. Seulgi seems to bite the bottom of her lip, and hesitation hangs in the air. Her thumbs twist around in her pockets awkwardly, working as some sort of distraction for the uncomfortable silence. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea,” she manages to reply. It’s the first thing she says in a while. She probably only faced Joohyun just to break up, because if she didn’t plan it today, Joohyun already knew that then she wouldn’t be standing there.

“I know what’s going on,” Joohyun clarifies then with her trembling voice that she tries so hard to stabilize, not wanting to risk her emotions taking too much control. She fails miserably. “I don’t expect you to be here when I wake up anymore, and I won’t hold it against you if you leave in the middle of the night to be with someone else,” she lets a lone tear escape that she tries hard to not let show. “Just please, stay a little longer,” she tries not to sound like she’s begging, though maybe she is.

Her hand pushes away some of her long hair that keeps falling down on her face, knowing that Seulgi wouldn’t be the one helping her.

She’s going to have to help herself now, no matter how trivial the issue might be. Joohyun is a strong girl at heart, she really is, but for some reason the thought almost scares her.

Seulgi sighs, deep and long, and maybe she’s indicating that she’s done. That maybe, this isn’t the time to hold onto things longer or postpone everything. That it’s time to get going, move on, go with the wind. “No, Joohyun,” she replies firmly with her lips nearly drawing their own line. “I don’t want to drag it on,” Seulgi continues with her red lips. Her makeup looks even paler in this light, making her appear as somewhat of a ghost.

What Seulgi means by that, is that she doesn’t want to prolong the pain by having her presence near.

Joohyun gets that, but she doesn’t want to at the same time. She doesn’t want to be mature about it, talk it out, or be amicable as if they just had a small disagreement. She wants to have Seulgi be there, with her, tell her what’s wrong and what the hell is really going on. To grab her with intense motions, kiss it worse, and leave Joohyun high and dry with nothing left to prove. It’s almost as if she wants to get hurt hard with harsh words and drastic actions, just so Joohyun can get it into her head that this is wrong, wrong, wrong. That she will take the anger Seulgi gives her from that fleeting, powerful moment and put it to good use, instead of wallowing around.

Cautiously, she steps closer, wanting to reach out towards her hands. She’s not actually sure touching her will help, for all she knows, it might make everything worse.

Knowing that it’s not as if it will come as a surprise if Seulgi flinches away.

Knowing that if Seulgi only gives her a cold glare, then it’s Joohyun’s own fault for being so dumb with her wishful thinking.

Her hands are cold from the late autumn weather. Hard as marble, rough from the climate, yet something grungy sticks beneath her skin and seeps towards Joohyun’s own, warm hands. She’s close enough now to see the specks of dust falling on Seulgi’s pale face, to see her weary eyes alerting themselves with Joohyun’s every move, and how her breath smells like cigarettes.

“Have you been smoking again?” Joohyun asks dumbly enough, as if she just didn’t beg Seulgi to stay for a couple of minutes ago.

Seulgi nods softly, her jaw almost clenching when Joohyun gets closer. Her cold hands don’t get any warmer with the smaller woman’s touch, they only fist themselves and squeeze together. It almost hurts, but she’s not harming her. She’s just trying to warn Joohyun that she should back off before she regrets anything.

She can’t take anything back, now.

Joohyun knows she might regret it, but she figures that she’ll probably regret more if she doesn’t do anything at all. She just doesn’t want everything to end in this cold, emotionless void where the ending only faded away with silence.

They kiss. It’s uncoordinated because Seulgi stands still with her lips barely shut together. Joohyun leaps in with too much emotional, uncontrolled force, as if she’s trying to pump every single live feeling she has into Seulgi’s lifeless stance. Seulgi still lets Joohyun hold her hands, they squeeze her again, but it’s not as harsh. It’s barely noticeable, and in the midst between trying to forget, she moves closer. Letting their hair collide, trying to make Seulgi feel how much she just wants her for this one last time.

She’s not asking for a lot. She just wants her to stay for one last night.

A force clenches her neck, holds it tightly, but not enough to suffocate her. It’s welcome, it’s familiar, it’s what Seulgi used to do when things were simpler. And, she responds just enough for everything to nearly seem normal again. As if nothing every happened and this entire conversation was just a random thought run out from Joohyun’s imagination.

Joohyun grabs the falling, dark locks of Seulgi’s hair. Pushing her short bangs away, tightly gripping her and deciding for once, that she’s not going to hold back anymore. She has no time to hold back anymore, to waste time, and she won’t have Seulgi forever, like she used to believe. She won’t let her slip away this time, she wants every bit of the taller woman fully present and with her.

Somewhere along the line, her clothes get stripped of from her back and goosebumps greets her skin. She finds herself on the kitchen counter, apparently her leg knocks off the radio enough for it to fall onto the ground, but it still plays some overhyped song. She’s going to get bruises, she already feels it, but she greets it for what it is. Not as something romantic, not as something abusive either, just something that will decorate her skin for a brief while and remind her of this.

Her hands travel beneath Seulgi’s white shirt, buttons it up one by one as fast as she can, not leaving any second thoughts. Soon enough, they kiss again and again, and her cold fingers run effortlessly around her body in familiar places. Places Seulgi already knows where to go, where Joohyun either shivers or trembles or arches her back or approves with sound alone. She wraps her arms around Seulgi, kissing the side of her neck and her hair to keep her close, to let her stay there, to let the heat emit from Joohyun to Seulgi, and back again.

“You’re going to regret this,” Seulgi says then, no body talk disguising her voice. Only real words uttered with her body between Joohyun’s legs, who is now pressed on the counter. She doesn’t try to show any sort of remorse in her voice, but Joohyun knows her too well.

Seulgi will regret this too.

Yet, they know they’ll regret everything either way.

There is nothing to salvage.

Nothing to fix.

Nothing to work out.

Joohyun knows this. “Tear me apart,” she whispers into her ear, approving the destruction. Saying yes to everything she thought never would happen to them. Four years ago, she was younger and thought she found the love of her life in Seulgi. That they would forever be tied as one, happy couple that would live on to take over the world together. That they would always brew tea and coffee for one another and bask in the morning sun with comfortable silences and quiet conversations.

She’s not going to see that again. She’s only going to see red.

They just take whatever left remains, the patched-up mess that is their relationship that had been cold for too long and throw it to the ground with such force that it leaves Joohyun shaking. It’s almost violently, the effect of everything, making her want to cry and scream all at the same time from the incoming pain. It’s a type of pain that she actually gave herself, giving Seulgi the power to break her heart, and she doesn’t feel sorry for herself.

Joohyun has no right to be self-pitying anymore.

Still, she grips Seulgi’s upper body with such a force, nails digging onto her skin from everything. She’s still cold, all the way from her shoulders and neck, to her fingers and hands that roam into her darkest depths. It’s satisfying, yet empty. It’s perfect, yet horrible.

Joohyun is a mess.

So, she kisses Seulgi again and again, trying to lose herself in everything that they were and are and will be. She pushes Seulgi away, towards the bed, and somehow onto the floor with the sheets tangled everywhere between. It’s like a battle, though she’s not really sure what they are fighting for anymore.

Maybe it’s Joohyun’s living emotions versus Seulgi’s lifeless ones that are fading day by day. Maybe it’s Joohyun trying to prove to Seulgi that she can come back, but she’s not sure if she wants that anymore either.

She can’t force someone willingly leaving, to stay forever.

It all ends with heavy breathing in the middle of the wooden floors, the moonlight barely seeping through the windows. A bright line washes over Seulgi’s torso, the dim light making it even shinier and noticeable on her white skin. The clock on the wall still ticks, it’s already three in the morning, and even the partying was beginning to die outside in the city.

Joohyun doesn’t reach out for Seulgi as they lie tangled between sheets yet keep their distance. She only lies closely to her, watching the dark-haired woman’s chest heave up and down. The coldness of the floor and the room makes her hair rise, some parts of her skin harden, and her red lips are smeared out.

Normally, Joohyun would lie on top of Seulgi’s bare chest and listen to her heart beat slowly with the night. She’d fall asleep to the steady rhythm, safe and sound, comfortable and protected.

She decides not to do it this time, she’s too broken to let herself break even more.

She’s not sure how many minutes pass by, but soon enough, the air is filled with noise.

Their conversation is short, and straight to the point. No clichés, no “it’s me not you” phrases or excuses. Only what Joohyun doesn’t want to hear but needs to.

“I don’t love you anymore,” Seulgi says where they lie on the floor, resting her arm on her stomach.

Joohyun inhales sharply, asking what she doesn’t want to ask. “Did you ever?” her voice echoes through the cramped apartment.

A silent, barely noticeable shrug emits from Seulgi’s narrow shoulders. “I believe I did,” she answers truthfully. She knows, because she always keeps her voice steady when she’s being honest. “But somewhere along the line, I think it just felt… wrong,” she almost says without missing a beat, yet finding the words seems to be a challenge. Joohyun doesn’t get the time to ask again. “I don’t think you’re the one, Joohyun,” she says then.

It hurts, harder than she likes to admit. It stabs her with venom, almost making her want to stop breathing. But she focuses on keeping her body calm, trying to make sure that she’s going to survive this. No, she is going to survive this, even if it makes her want to burst out in tears of both anger and grief. “I don’t think you want to admit that I am the one, and that it scares you,” she retorts.

Seulgi only sighs again. Joohyun wonders if she hit a nerve there too, that gave her pain, something alike the one she has now. “Your intensity scares me,” she says then. “I don’t think you just love me, it’s like you want to emerge yourself into someone, or totally destroy them,” she goes on further while pushing some strands of her hair away. “It’s like I can’t breathe anymore,” she concludes.

Joohyun doesn’t have much more to say, and maybe she’s right. Maybe Joohyun is too much at times – too hot and too cold. One minute, she is all over Seulgi, while another she’s on the other side of the room. Sometimes she’s tender, and other times she’s intense and harsh.

She sees where Seulgi is coming from, and though she doesn’t like to admit it, it makes sense.

Seulgi is about to utter another word, her lips part, but nothing comes out. They only stare at each other again, just as they did earlier. Seulgi’s almond eyes start fading again to nothing, to a void that can’t be filled by Joohyun anymore. She only stays silent, giving her that one final look, before her face disappears from Joohyun’s vision.

She gets greeted by her feet, which makes few steps around to retrieve her shirt. Wordlessly, she buttons it up, she’s in no rush. The moment that they had begins to fade again, just like everything about them did. It fades into an acoustic, mellow song playing from the radio on the ground, to sirens wailing outside again, to refrigerators buzzing. It’s all white noise, it’s all just there, but it’s the only thing that maybe keeps Joohyun sane, as she watches Seulgi pace around.

She turns around after putting her shoes on, and her eyes are wandering, probably trying to remember how everything was before. Trying to imagine that once, there lived a happy couple in this studio-apartment they got cheaply. Where they used to kiss and fight and make up and be themselves. When Seulgi probably loved her.

Maybe Seulgi never did.

Joohyun is still lying on the hard floor, broken, , and possibly even ashamed. Even long after she hears the echo of a door shut and footsteps fade into the night, away from her. She doesn’t turn away from where Seulgi’s face was, where she had her dark gaze still in front of her. Joohyun only recreates the image in her head; dark hair messed up by her own hands, smeared crimson lipstick and pale skin.

She can imagine all she wants, but the illusion of Seulgi lying there will never be the one she fell in love with. The illusion won’t change into the one who always guarded her with her gaze and held onto her when she needed her the most, who made her breakfast in the morning, who kissed her better, who succumbed into desire during all hours of the night…

Illusions never change into something real, and even if they did, she’s almost certain that it would only be temporarily. That Seulgi would only hold on a bit longer, before letting go again.

Hours tick on, a warm skyline embraces the entire city this morning, warming the river outdoors and the poor people who feel asleep on benches. Her neighbors get up, waddle around, doing their everyday things. Cars park into the driveway or leave them, getting ready to go on with the day like they always do.

In one of those windows, the soft glowing sun rays reflect themselves from the mirror and onto a single woman. Between dogs barking, joggers hitting the pavement, and a radio playing softly on the floor, Joohyun does nothing.

In this moment, all she can do is breathe, counting the pieces of her heart that has shattered, waiting for the moment when she’ll stitch them back together.

Until then, she thinks about dark irises and the smell of cigarettes mixed with coffee.