If Only

 

1. Final

 

Ever since I was young I did all things alone. I used to do the things alone whether it'd be house chores, homework, projects and even on the most basic situations that needed a basic solution. I did all that. It is because I'm afraid to ask for help. I'm scared to get rejected. I'm scared to depend on something that I know will or might get tired of it. It's the worst case scenario that I could imagine of.

 

I have 3 younger siblings but sad to say they don't have the same mindset as I do. They were all the exact opposites. I could imagine a life without them but they don't.

 

But this is not what I wanted to tell you.

 

It is about a guy that it was okay to be dependent on someone once in your life.

 

Yoongi isn't the typical heartthrob at school, though he belonged to the top students’  list he isn't enough of a celebrity. He doesn't like crowds and he prefers to be alone most of the times; preferred place? The library or most of the times the cottage behind the old canteen building. I heard it was built by a group of seniors, who wanted to be architects when they graduated high school, as their final group project. It was a popular hangout spot for us but today, it was just an old, rotten and forgotten cottage.

 

I honestly wouldn't have known that cottage if it wasn't for this guy Yoongi.

 

How did we meet? We met in a club that was only open for the chosen few. Just like how the kids got chosen to visit Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory by getting a golden ticket. But of course, real talk people, we didn't get a golden ticket but instead, we had exams and physical tests before we got in.

I didn't know Yoongi when I got in, but I knew him when the club adviser made us a pair.

When all of the students inside the club room were standing with their partners the adviser said loud and clear, “I didn't pair you as boys and girls to date. I paired you like this so that you will understand your differences. High school is not all about who's popular or rich or smart. It's about making a connection to anyone, make friends. But this club is different, I will teach how to lead and guide people in good ways and you'll be able to bring this until you grow old,”

 

It was a meaningful message for me because I thought I'd fit to be a leader.

 

But other than that, I really need to learn my partner’s differences but when I turned to him he was just standing still beside me as if he the adviser was still talking. He had brown hair, his skin was so pale but he looked like he was in pretty good shape, his lips were curving into a cute smile and his eyes were small like the shape of sunflower seeds. I cleared my throat and he finally turned to me.

 

“I'm Hansol,” I said extending my hand towards him. He looked at it and held my hand before giving it a firm squeeze.

 

“Min Yoongi...call me Shiny,” he grinned and it made me laugh. How he pronounced the word ‘shiny’ was so cute. “Just kidding, Yoongi we'll be fine.”

 

“Alright, Yoongi. But I was really going to call you shiny,” I said still trying to cease my laughter. “What class do you belong?”

 

“Class 3-Pilot A,”

 

I almost choked on his response. Pilot classes are the smartest classes in our school.

 

“What about you?” he asked which made hesitant for answering. I belonged to a lower rank, not so low but it's lower than his.

 

“3- Rank 1B,” I dropped my head in embarrassment. My grades in elementary school didn't get me to Rank 1A.

 

“It's a pleasure to meet you, Hansol. We should get along very well,” he said with a sincere smile.

 

“Me too,” I said but my heart was thumping for he didn't say anything about my class. My class is the second to lowest class in school and it's almost impossible to meet and talk to someone in a Pilot class.

 

It was the first time for me to meet Yoongi and after that day my life began to change. I didn't expect that we almost had the same schedule of subjects. Though he is from a different class our location for each class was almost the same. Our school had a different way, the students are always the ones moving to the next class instead of the teachers.

 

Of course, I have friends with me but my friends didn't know that I joined a club so when Yoongi greeted me they noticed it and thinking that he was having a crush on me. But no.

 

“Just chill guys, we just know each other,” I said to them but they were still giving me a look.

 

“But it's a Pilot-A student, Hansol. It's almost impossible for them to know that we people exist,” my friend well let's call her Jaemi. I have three friends, Yoonhye, Jaehee, and Jaemi.

 

“Well, it's possible now,” I just grinned then when I turned Yoongi was walking his way towards me. I didn't know why I held my breath at that time but he looked like he was walking in slow motion and flower petals falling on him.

 

“Hey, Hansol, would you like to eat lunch with me?” he suddenly asked and three of my friends were squealing like crazy.

 

“Huh?” I blinked, my heart rate was increasing, my cheeks started to flush.

 

“We don't have class on this subject though. So I thought we could ha-"

 

“Okay! I mean-” I cleared my throat and smiled at him. “Sure, we can talk about something,” I said.

 

“Great,” Yoongi just nodded his head and smiled. “Well, see you in the headquarter?” he asked.

 

“H-Headquarter?” I stammered as he was giving new words to me that I couldn't understand, then he simply leaned forward and whispered, “Club room,”

 

“Ah!” I snapped my finger and nodded. “Alright, see you there.”

 

“Okay,” he smiled once again and he looked at my friends and giving them all a smile before he finally went back to his group.

 

Lunchtime, I had a date to catch at the clubroom. I arrived there but Yoongi was not there yet. I checked the time and I was 5 minutes early. I was a bit disappointed when I walked into the room. No one was there so I went to the table and placed my lunch on it, then I heard someone groaned and under the table, someone rose up. The groaning continued and Yoongi was there getting up, his hair was in a mess and his eyes were shut close as he got up.

 

“You're here,” he smiled with a cheeky smile. He sat on the chair and pulled his rectangular bag. I was expecting he'd pull out his lunchbox but instead it was a pile of papers- test papers from the previous exams. “You brought your lunch?” he asked me.

 

“Uhh yeah?” I replied pointing to my lunchbox prepared by truly yours.

 

“Okay, let's eat,” he said and commenced on reading the papers. I just sat there in shock watching him study.

 

“Aren't you going to eat?” I asked him.

 

“I ate breakfast earlier,”

 

“Breakfast is different from lunch, Yoongi,” I said, I opened my lunch and pushed it in the middle of the table. “Here, eat,” I said and grabbed the papers from him. “You asked me to have lunch with you and you're reading papers?”

 

“Well, I have exams coming,”

 

“We all have exams coming,” I rephrased him and he smiled at me. “Eat,” I said as I handed him chopsticks.

 

He nodded and took the chopsticks from my hands and started to eat. He first took a piece of eggroll and stuffed it in his mouth.

 

“How's it?”

 

“Your mom cooks well,”

 

“I made it,” I smiled.

 

“Oh, it's delicious,”

 

“Do you always skip lunch?”

 

“Not always, but mostly…”

 

“Isn't it hard to study on an empty stomach?”

 

“It is but we don't have time,” he replied then he suddenly took another piece, “Here…” he said, I blushed when I realized he was going to feed me.

 

“It's fine,” I shook my head but he insisted so I shyly ate the piece and nodded. “Happy?”

 

“Of course, haha.” he laughed and it made me laugh as well. I looked around and found a mini pantry in the corner of the club room. There were utensils and chopsticks there so I got up and went to get a pair and washed it in the hallway. I got back and Yoongi was still eating.

 

“Hansol, what is it like to be in your class?” he asked.

 

“Hmm,” I sat back and smiled, as I started to eat. “I'm a pretty chill person,” I said. “You? What is it like to be a top student?”

 

Yoongi shrugged and I could tell how neutral his opinion was about it. “It's good and bad, I don't know.”

 

“I think you're doing pretty fine. You even reached until this year,”

 

“I don't know if I could keep up,” He said.

 

“Why did you join by the way?”

 

“Something new?” he replied as he was now eating the tempura piece. “I've never had any social interaction ever since I got here,”

 

“Do you think you can keep up?” I asked with a smile.

 

Then Yoongi looked at me and smiled, “Yes, I believe I can keep up. Mind to help me with that?”

 

I was a bit hesitant to show my excitement from his question so I just gave him a nod, “Sure,”

 

It was like we had a moment of staring at each other's faces, I wouldn't have realized it if our club adviser didn't push the door open so sudden. We both turned to her with shocked expressions on our faces.

 

“I see you're getting along. Didn't expect this pair would turn good,” she said as she walked into the room.

 

“Have you eaten lunch, teach?” Yoongi asked and the adviser just made a casual hum.

 

“We'll have an outdoor training in two weeks, so better finalize all your schedules in a week, and that means you, Min Yoongi,” she said pointing at him. Yoongi dropped his head for a moment before he gave her a silent nod.

 

“I am expecting to have no problems with you, Lee Hansol.”

 

“Don't worry, teach!” I said abruptly standing up and bowed. After that, she nodded and just left us in the room without a word.

 

“Will you be busy in two weeks?” I asked him.

 

“It's a normal question for students like me. Aside from our academics, we have extra-curricular activities during the weekends,”

 

“Ohh, I understand.”

 

“Don't worry. I'll be there,” he said and finally got up. He glanced at his wristwatch, “I have to go now. Thanks for the lunch, Hansol. Let's do this next time,” he said extending his hand to me, at that time I didn't know how to respond to that so I just waved my hand back, but he suddenly grabbed a hold of my hand, intertwining our fingers and waved it together before pulling away.

 

“S-See you,” I said as I was a bit surprised and flustered at that sudden connection.

 

I promise. It was the first time for me to hold someone's hand like that.

 

Fast forward to two weeks. Yoongi and I had lunch together for several times but it was all that. Sometimes he would show up during lunchtime at the club room but sometimes no. He must have had a tight schedule. I was worried more than being disappointed.

 

And it was the day to finalize our attendance for the outdoor training. We were in the school field standing in ranks while waiting for the other members. It's not yet the assembly time but I was really hoping Yoongi could come.

 

There were two minutes left before the time, I didn't understand why my heart kept sinking at that time. No sign of Yoongi, no sign of Yoongi. The same words kept repeating in my mind. The adviser was looking at me like she was expecting I'd do something.

 

“Okay, time's-”

 

“Wait! Please give me 5 minutes more!” I said raising my hand up and went to her. She looked at me like she was expecting I'd do this. “Please, my partner isn't here yet,” I said panting.

 

“Alright, push up position,” she said pointing to the ground. I was confused for a moment and then I realized she wanted me to do something in exchange for the 5 minutes I was asking. I didn't say anything instead I did what she told me to do and did a push position on the concrete floor.

 

I have never done exercises before so I thought doing this position was easy but it turned out it was becoming more difficult to stay put as time went by. Five minutes were counting and Yoongi hasn't arrived yet.

 

In exactly three minutes, he arrived and he was still in his lab gown which was only available for Pilot students to use. He was running towards me. He looked surprised to see that I was in a pretty bad condition. My arms were already shaking and it was beginning to hurt.

 

“Hansol,” he said my name as he arrived, I thought I was going to stand up but the adviser placed her foot on my back all of the sudden. “Teach,” he said.

 

“I don't tolerate late arrival but you became an exception because of your partner,” she said. Yoongi looked at me but I looked away thinking he didn't like the idea of me doing this for him. I was embarrassed.

 

“I'm sorry. I wasn't able to finish my presentation on time,” he said and I knew he was already worried that I have been staying in this position for a long time.

 

“What are you gonna do? I can't just let this slip,” she said a grinning smirk.

 

“I'd do the penalty alone.” He said. “Twice,”

 

“What?” I thought to myself and shot him a look.

 

“200 push-ups,” he offered.

 

“You don't make agreements with me, 200 push ups and 10 laps around the field,” she said and finally took her foot off my back. She told me to stand up and do the penalty with him. I nodded and didn't say anything else. “Do it after the meeting,” she said and told us to get back in the center.

 

“You shouldn't have done it,” Yoongi said as we were walking to the center together with our co-members.

 

“You were late and I had to do something to keep the time,” I replied and I didn't expect he'd smile at me and pat my head as he muttered thanks.

 

The meeting ended so quickly and in no time Yoongi and I were doing push-ups. I was wearing my PE uniform at that time so it was easy for me, but Yoongi was still wearing his uniform. He was having a hard time keeping it tidy despite doing intensive push-ups.

 

“Take off your shirt,” I said and he stopped looking at me with a shocked expression. My cheeks burned red and looked away, “I mean, take off that buttoned shirt and keep it somewhere clean.” I said.

 

“Great idea,” he said and got up and did take his shirt off and placed it in his bag and continued again. I didn't know how to do push-ups very well so he was the one who made most of it. Running in the field was a bit easy but things got pretty difficult when the adviser gave us 4 minutes to finish the 10 laps.

 

We weren't able to finish it in 4 minutes. The adviser didn't say anything to us before she left, just like before. Yoongi and I exchanged looks and shrugged at the thought that was free from punishment.

 

We’re heading out of the school campus and it was already dark. Yoongi was wearing his shirt back while I was carrying his bag as we walked. His hair was in a mess but I was holding myself not to do anything. After that, he was finished and took his bag from me.

 

“I really thought you won’t show up today,” I said to him and just smiled as he looked at me. “You got me worried at some point, also made me do punishment,” I added.

 

“Who said I wasn’t going to show up?” he shot back, “I just had some problems in my chemistry subject. My classmates knew that I joined in this club and they’re trying to stop me from going,”

 

“Eh? Why would they do that? That’s so mean.”

 

“You think so? Because they think it’s useless to join in this club,”

 

“But you came, it means you didn’t agree with them,”

 

But Yoongi went quiet after I said that. It made my heart sank once again. I didn’t say another word for I walked ahead of him.

 

“But I showed up. It means I have decided to stay,” he said but it didn’t make me stop. “Hansol…” he called my name and my heart continued to clench. “Hey. Hansol, are you upset?”

 

“You were having doubts a while ago, Yoongi.”

 

“Y-yes, I did but it’s nothing important. I have decided,” he said this time he held my shoulders and made me look at him. “Listen, I can’t just leave my partner alone. Let’s not leave someone behind,” he smiled.

 

“I’ll take note of that,” I said and playfully hit his chest before I pulled away. “Well, see you tomorrow?” I asked him, for our outdoor training will start tomorrow morning. “We should get home now,” I said and tapped his arm. “See you tomorrow, Yoongi.” I waved my hand and finally walked out of the gate.

 

The next day, I arrived at the camping grounds earlier than anyone else. My father drove me to school so it wasn’t hard for me to get to the place. A few of my co-members were there. They were gathered in circles and I was a bit hesitant to join them because they were Pilot B and C students. It looked like they already made their own cliques in this club, so I sat on the concrete bench keeping a little bit of distance from them. Cupping my cheeks and sighed, I thought what kind of life will I have for this week?

 

“Hey,”

 

I thought it was just my mind playing games with me when I heard someone called. I looked around and I saw the group of Pilot students waving their hands at me. “Hey! You’re Lee Hansol, right?” they asked and I humbly nodded, getting up from the bench and walked towards them. “You should join us,” one of them said with a smile. There were 2 boys and 3 girls, sitting in Indian style on the cold ground.

 

“Sure, if it’s okay,” I said and sat in the empty space they gave me. They started introducing themselves to me. The two boys were Minho and Hansung and the three girls were Dahyun, Momo, and Jihyo. They have been friends since middle school and also Pilot students in our school. “I’m Lee Hansol from Class 3-1B,”

 

“So you’re the one Teacher Kim paired up with Min Yoongi,” Minho said.

 

“Yes, he’s my partner,” I nodded and gave them a questioned look. “Why?”

 

“Girl, you’re the oddest pair in the club,” Jihyo laughed. “Most of us are paired by ranks, except you,” she added.

 

I laughed along but I felt a bit of pain in my chest when I laughed. It felt like I was laughing at myself for being paired with a Pilot student. “I-Is  it a bad thing?”

 

They all shrugged, “It’s interesting, I guess?” Dahyun spoke. “We’re actually talking about how you guys got along pretty well,” she added.

 

“I’m sure there are other pairs that are paired differently,” I tried my best to put myself off the topic list. I really don’t like being talked about.

 

“What are your test scores?” Momo asked.

 

“I don’t know. Test scores weren’t announced,” I shook my head and they all gasped in surprise. “What?”

 

“What? Are you kidding us?” Jihyo asked me, she was more frustrated to know that I do. “Seriously? We all received our scores on that day,”

 

“I really don’t know what score I had, what I know is that I passed and got in,”

 

“Heol, you’re really something eh?” Hansung scoffed. “It’s either you have the lowest score or the highest score…” he added.

 

“I really don’t know guys, sorry.” I kept shaking my head in response. The atmosphere slowly went down and it was a cue for me to leave their circle. They were not interested in making friends with me, they were more interested in my numbers. I grabbed my bags and walked a little bit farther from them, tears were quietly rolling down my cheeks early in the morning. They were rude at some point but I couldn’t explain why I was in tears.

 

“Are you having dust in your eyes?” I heard someone spoke behind, I turned around and saw Yoongi leaning behind the wall. I quickly wiped my tears and dropped my bags and started pretending to tie my shoelaces because the group was still looking at me. “Or are you really crying because of them?”

 

“You heard everything?” I asked him still doing my con.

 

“Pretty much..everything,” he nodded and pulled himself away from the wall and walked towards me. “Get up, Hansol…” he said.

 

I got up sniffing but still avoiding his eyes. “They were a bit rude, I don’t understand,” I said to him, then all of the sudden, he placed his hand on my shoulder and pulled me close to give me a hug. He then began patting my back gently. “What are you doing?” I asked, trying to pull myself away from him but he was holding me close.

 

“Giving you a hug?” he replied. “Consoling you?”

 

“Can’t you be more compassionate?” I scoffed, chuckling at the end.

 

“I think my lack of compassion worked on you,” he said pulling away and pat my head. “Don’t bother getting into their circle, they’re out of your league,” he said.

 

“Ya, you’re saying your kind is out of my league, does it reflect on you too?” I raised my brow but Yoongi tilted his head and gave me the cheekiest smile.

 

“I’m an exemption, right?”

 

“You want me to curse early in the morning, you know?” I laughed.

 

The first morning with him went like that. It was the starter in our relationship, where I began to feel dependent on him. He was there when I needed comfort. He was like a brother and a friend to me. The outdoor training went really well in the first 3 days until the 4th day where we had to do the scavenger hunt. Us against the other pairs. There were 15 pairs in the club, Yoongi and I were team purple. The purple colored band was wrapped around my head like a bandana and for Yoongi, he wrapped it around his waist.

 

In our previous days, we were able to know which was our specialty. I learned that I had good initiative and physical activities while Yoongi was specialized in logistics and planning. I was the fighter and he was the brain.

 

“You ready?” he asked. “They’re going to hurt us just to get the supplies, Hansol,”

 

“Then so be it,” I said to him and in the cue, we ran into the forest to find ourselves a base. Yoongi memorized the map, so I let him lead the way until we found a certain spot but it was taken by the panicking pair of Pilot C students. They were stocking the supplies into the hole they have dug a few moments ago. It was too shallow to keep things hidden.

 

“Hansol, there’s a huge net hidden among those trees, I’ll create a distraction you go around them and find the net,”

 

“Gather the supplies and run,” I added and turned to him with a confirmation. “Okay, do it,” I said and quietly walked around the trees while Yoongi stood up from his hiding place to get the pair’s attention.

 

They took the bait and it was pretty easy for us. I found the net on my first try of searching and when they were close to Yoongi, I quickly gathered the supplies into the net and ran away from that place. Yoongi ran as well, following my trails until we got to our chosen base, but it wasn’t easy to get inside.

 

“Stop, traps are everywhere,” I said holding his arm to stop him from walking further. I gave him the set of supplies as I scanned the surroundings. Dead leaves were everywhere and the most common trap would be hidden underneath this blanket of red leaves. “Follow my lead,” I told him and began walking quietly, scanning all the leaves on the ground, then I found a pile of odd one. I crouched down and brushed the leaves off and saw the trap. “Gotcha,” I said and walked past by it. Yoongi was following closely behind, he was keeping a distance it was difficult for me to keep us safe because the staff might have created a lot of traps around this place, so I grabbed his hand and pulled him close. “Stay close,”

 

“Y-yes ma’am,” he said, I turned back and caught my face so close to his. My heart literally stopped at that sudden distance that I suddenly began to tremble and panic on my ground. “Hansol?” he asked tugging my hand. “You okay?”

 

“I’m fine,” I shook my head to gather my head, my heart kept beating like crazy. “There are a trap 4 steps from here,” I told him and stretched his neck to check it and confirmed that the pile of leaves were suspicious.

 

“I guess we have to avoid that,” he chuckled, then pat my head, “Lead the way, Hansol.” he said with while patting my shoulders. I just nodded and lead the way to our chosen base. We were so close but all of the sudden, I stopped.

 

“Y-Yoongi,” I began to stutter, “I think I stepped on something,”

 

“What?” he asked but we weren’t able to avoid what was coming towards us, a couple of branches came and hit us right on our faces, pushing us back and we both fell in the pit that the other pairs have made. It was not so deep but we fell on it really bad. I was on top of him and Yoongi was groaning in pain.

 

“Yoongi! Are you okay?” I asked shaking his shoulders, then he began to chuckle and slowly pulled himself up. “Is your back hurt?” I asked again, but this time I checked his back and began brushing the dirt off his white shirt.

 

“That was awesome,” he chuckled.

 

“Awesome?” I snapped at him, “We almost got hurt,”

 

“It’s fine,” he said and got up.

 

“Wait- the supplies!” I gasped and immediately got up but Yoongi held my hand and pulled me close to him. My face landed on his chest, his hand cupping my cheek and the other was holding my hand.

 

“Let’s stay like this for a moment,” he said and my heart went wild. I don’t understand what he meant by that, but it was making my heart flutter.

 

“Is someone outside?” I asked him, trying to keep my voice as low as possible and then he made a soft hum as a reply. “If we lose the supplies, we’ll starve for the whole night,” I told him.

 

“If that’s what you worry the most, trust me, staying safe is better,”

 

I huffed and slowly looked up at him with a frown, “Are you scared?”

 

Yoongi shook his head, “No, why would I be? I’m with someone who knows how to kick ,” he chuckled.

 

I huffed again but this time I pulled myself away from him. I could feel my cheeks burning as we’re looking at each other in a close distance. The pair who made this pit really made great efforts to make it in perfect measurement.

 

It was getting awkward and also there was no noise coming out so I slowly got up and checked the surroundings, “Coast is clear,” I said and jumped out of the pit and pulled him up. I quickly went to the net and found the supplies were long gone.

 

“They took it,” I said then noticed trail footprints. “I think we can follow them,”

 

“Have you ever thought that they’re all teaming up just to get on us?” Yoongi suddenly asked. He was standing behind me so I turned around to look at him. “I heard that everyone knew their test scores except for us,”

 

“You also don’t know?” I asked and he made soft nod.

 

“It’s the first time to have a Pilot student paired with a Rank 1B student in the history of this club,” he continued, “Our adviser might be experimenting us,”

 

“Is it in a good way or bad way?”

 

“I think it is in a good way,” Yoongi smiled. “Do you think it’s a good thing that we’re paired?”

 

I blushed and looked away, “I guess so, it’s good.”

 

“Then it’s good for me too,” he replied.

 

Our scavenger hunt went on for 3 hours. Yoongi and I were able to gather supplies. We were able to gather a certain amount of supplies and other tokens during our hunt, and also we were able to put on a base.

 

And we found out that some traps were not prepared by the staff and they were all angry about it and punished those who created those unlisted traps.

 

It was time for the night activity where we had to create a huge bonfire in the middle of the camping ground. We all gathered in a circle as the fire grew big. Yoongi was sitting with some of his classmates while me I was sitting on the other side, adoring the hazy bonfire. It was cold but the fire was giving me a huggable warmth. We just had our dinner at that time and everyone was sharing their stories about the scavenger hunt and how they’re able to get through the traps. I am a good observer and I prefer that way than expressing myself.

 

But suddenly the lights went off and the bonfire was put off in one quick move. Others screamed and panicked in the dark while I remained quiet and still on my ground. I was waiting for my eyes to adjust in the dark. People were walking around me, bumped into me, stepped on me. When I could finally see a bit, I got up and found my way out of the crowd and went somewhere away from it. I stood by the tree and tried to find something but I don’t what it was.

 

Then I felt a hand grabbed my arm. I gasped when another hand covered my mouth. This unknown person in the dark started dragging me back to the forest. It was already dark and we were not allowed to go there at this time, but this person kept dragging me into it. I should not waste my time being dragged, I thought so I gathered my strength to push my head back to hit the person’s head. I bit his hand and took the opportunity to grab and twist it, the person shouted in pain and to my surprise, the voice sounded familiar.

 

“Ow! Ow! Ow! It hurts!” he said almost crying. I knew how to do self-defense. My father taught me when I was little and I secretly practiced it during PE class and have used this skill to bullies since then.

 

“Hansung?” I gasped finally letting go of his hand. The other cried in pain. “I’m so sorry. I thought you were-” I tried to explain but it was his fault for dragging me anyways, “Wait, why were you taking me to the forest?”

 

“I’m really sorry, Hansol.” he said and I heard a sound behind me, but when I turned to look, another person covered my head with a bag. They carried me which I assumed, into the forest. It took us minutes to stop and they placed me down and made me sat on a tree. Then another person, which I knew was a girl because she had soft skin when she tied my hands.

 

“This is against the rules, guys, I know who you are, Hansung!” I yelled but they all ran away. I sat there as they listened to their running steps disappeared in the silence. I was never scared but I began to worry. What am I going to do? My hands were tied pretty nicely on my back, my head was also covered. I couldn’t take it off.

 

Yoongi.

 

“Y-Yoongi!!!” I shouted as loud as I could hoping that my voice would reach any people, any people...and Yoongi. “Help! Help!” I kept shouting for help but no help came. It was like 5 to 10 minutes have passed and there was still no sign of other people coming for me. It was getting cold and I was getting all the shivers I felt every time I was alone in the dark. I began to remember the time when my parents and younger siblings left me at home, the power went out all of the sudden and I was in the room. I didn’t do anything but stayed on my place and cried for help. I was scared when I know that I was alone. “Help…”

 

“Hansol! Lee Hansol!”

 

My heart skipped a beat when I heard someone calling my name. I tried to get up and shout back but my throat was already tired from shouting all night. “Y- Yoongi?” I said trying my best to make my voice loud. “Yoongi!”

 

“Hansol?”

 

“Yoongi!” my heart was jumping when I heard his voice. “Yoongi! I’m here! I’m here!”

 

“, Hansol!” He cursed as he held my shoulders. He pulled the cover off my head and checked my body if I was hurt. “Are you okay? Who did this to you? What happened?”

 

He was untying my hands as I answered him, “Hansung and his friends did this to me, I thought it was another game,”

 

“This is not funny anymore,” he said. “They are stepping on the line,”

 

“Somebody’s playing pranks on the other members during the blackout but yours is the worst,” he said as he pulled me up. “Are you sure you’re not hurt?” he asked me again for the nth time.

 

“No, I’m fine, don’t worry.” I smiled and I kept looking at him. He looked so mad about what happened to me. He looked so worried. “Yoongi, how did you know I was missing?”

 

“I was watching you from afar. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you,” he said as he was looking for a branch to use as a bat in case something will attack us.

 

“W-what?”

 

Yoongi stopped and looked at me as if he said something he shouldn’t have said, “I mean, I could see you from where I am...everyone panicked when the lights went out, I had to get you away from the crowd because you’re my partner,”

 

“Partner,” I repeated to myself. At first, this word made me feel happy but now, it made my heart aches for some reason. “Thanks for worrying about me,” I said reaching for his shoulder and gave it a pat. “Let’s head back to the camp now,”

 

“Alright,” He nodded, “Just follow me,”

 

We were walking into a dark path of dead leaves and fallen branches going back to the camp. Yoongi was quietly leading the way while I was behind him following closely. Then I realized that we have been running in circles.

 

“Yoongi,” I said holding his arm to stop him. “We’re running in circles, are you sure you know the way back?”

 

Yoongi faced me with a heavy sigh and dropped his head, “I knew but I don’t know now.”

 

“What? I thought you remember the map,”

 

“I know, Hansol… I know. I don’t know,”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine. Something, just got into me-”

 

I cut him off by suddenly hugging him closely. I wrapped my arms around his waist and my cheeks gently landed on his chest. I smiled at this position I made. “I think you just need a hug,” I said. “You saved me tonight so you deserve a reward,” I laughed softly.

I gave his back a couple of pats before I decided to pull away but he suddenly wrapped his arms around my frame and hugged me close to his embrace. I stood stiff for this embrace felt different from the one I gave him. It was warmer and safer that even I wanted to stay longer in this kind of embrace. Then Yoongi rested his head on my shoulder and sighed.

 

“Yoongi?” I spoke as he was quiet for a long while. “Are you okay?”

 

“Do you like me?” He suddenly asked when he finally pulled away and looked into my eyes. Yoongi looked so serious and troubled about something and asking me if I like him or not felt so important. “Hansol...do you like me?” he asked again but this time he held my hand.

 

“Yoongi…” I wasn’t able to segregate my feelings towards him in the past few days. There are times he made my heart flutter, there are times he made me so happy for just showing up, there are things that changed in me because of him. I was able to wait for how many minutes because of him. For someone like me who couldn’t wait for the cup ramen to cook for 3 minutes, he made me wait for him without him asking. He made stronger, he comforted me in his ways, he taught me that it was okay to be me and that I don’t need to blend in. Yoongi made me feel special despite being in a lower ranking class than him. He taught me that our ranks are nothing to him.

 

Do I like Yoongi?
 

Do I like him?

 

“Yes, I like you…” I said and held my breath, but what if he was expecting me to answer that I like him as my partner in this club and not for a romantic intention? What if he is just asking me if I like him as a friend? A person? A club co-member? A partner? What if he is thinking all of these things except for the thing I am only thinking of him? I was scared to get a rejection. “As my partner of course!” I tapped his shoulder and chuckled. “What’s with that sudden question? Huh?”

 

“Partner,” he chuckled, raking his hair with his fingers and hugged me back.

 

“What’s with all these hugging?” I asked him.

 

“Just let me hug you like this,” he replied.

 

“Ya, Yoongi, if you do this often I will think you’re a ert,”

 

“I don’t care, I can hug you all I want,” he said. “Can’t I?”

 

“Of course you can, I’m your friend, right?” I gave his back a pat before hugging him back. “Of course, partner.”

 

I thought that night would be the start of growing relationship as partners. We finished our outdoor training after that night.  Those who were behind all those pranks including me being dragged into the forest at night were kicked out of the group. I thought everything will go on as usual but even better but I didn’t expect it will be the start of everything we made to fall down.

 

I gained the highest rank in the club and Yoongi was the second. Everyone congratulated me including him but there was something missing in his smile. He was holding back. As a congratulatory present for us that we passed the training, I made lunch for him and waited for him the club room like the usual. He knew that I will be there waiting so I had prepared the table for the two of us.

 

I prepared his favorite hash browns and egg rolls for lunch. I bought him a new lunchbox which he could use in the clubroom. I was like I was ready to take a step forward being partners, I realized I liked him more than my partner. I like him being himself.

 

I waited but it has been 30 minutes since lunchtime started. I got up and checked the hallway for any signs of him and when I thought that I’d find nothing, I saw Yoongi walking towards the clubroom. I immediately prepared myself, checked if my lips were still in color or my hair was messy or not. I was ready to surprise him by the door but I was more surprised to what I saw outside the door.

 

Yoongi handed a bouquet of dandelions to a girl from his class. They were both wearing the same tag and I assumed that they were in the same class. My heart ached so much that I couldn’t stop myself from crying so hard. I squeaked and I think it was loud enough for Yoongi to hear it from the outside. He turned to my way and I immediately grabbed all the things on the table before I hid behind the table.

 

“Yoongi?” I held my breath when the girl’s voice appeared in the room. “Is something wrong?”

 

“Nothing, I think I just heard someone crying here,” Yoongi said. They stayed in the room for a moment before they finally left. I let out a gasp as I dropped on my knees spilling all the food I prepared for him on the floor as I cried.

 

Weeks have passed, Yoongi and I finally found ourselves alone in the clubroom. He was sleeping with exam sheets on his head. He must have been studying so hard these days. No wonder he rarely shows up in the meeting. I intentionally placed my lunchbox loudly to wake him up. He got up and saw me for the first time in 4 weeks.

 

“Hansol,” he smiled at me.

 

“Sleeping at lunch again?”

 

“Sort of,” he replied stretching his arms a bit. “It has been awhile, how are you?”

 

“Being the president of the club? I’m doing so fine. You? Your girlfriend?”

 

Yoongi chuckled, “So you heard about it,”

 

“Everyone’s talking about it,” I tried my best to not show him that I was affected, that I cared about that. “How long have you been dating?”

 

“Two weeks,” I noticed his replies were getting shorter and shorter and it was a sign for me to not ask more questions. “I missed you, Hansol…”

 

“Why did you ask me if I like you back then?” I finally let this question out of mind. I was gripping the chopsticks I was holding as I looked into his eyes.

 

“I want to know,” he replied.

 

“Hold up, this is not gonna work,” I said waving my hand to reset our conversation. “Let me rephrase my question and we’re gonna answer this in a count of 3… clear?”

 

Yoongi looked at me and gave a short nod.

 

“But… will something change between us, Hansol?”

 

“I don’t know Yoongi,” I shook my head, “I just want to know…”

 

“Do we like each other?” I threw the question on the platter. I took a deep breath and counted from 1 to 3.

 

“Yes/No,”

 

Yoongi said no. My heart sank for the nth time but this time it was crying as it sank.

 

“I loved you, Hansol…”

 

I let out scoff and began to laugh when I heard him say that. But Yoongi remained not moving in his chair. He was looking at me with sincerity in his eyes.

 

“Don’t with me, Yoongi…”

 

“I love you ever since we first met,”

 

“Why are you telling me this now?”

 

“If only you said you like me as me…”

 

“I loved you too, Yoongi, 4 weeks ago, I really thought of telling you that I do but- I just found out you were with another girl whom I have never heard of,”

 

“Hansol,”

 

“If only we’re brave enough to tell what our hearts want to say,” I told him, “We wouldn’t have hurt each other like this,” I smiled bitterly at him. “If only you waited a day more for me, we won’t be awkward and distant like this… if only I was not afraid of rejection…”

 

“I’m sorry, Hansol…”

 

“Jeez, this makes you my first love then,” I said while wiping my tears with my sleeves. “Now I believe that love has its own mysterious ways,”

 

“Hansol...if we could,”

 

“No, Yoongi. I don’t want to hurt anyone just to be happy.”

 

End.