I rushed to my car without bothering to change my short pants and sweater into something nice the minute after a drunk call from him. Not even bothered to wipe my mouth after snacking nor use any perfumes. I know his door pin so I ran straight to his usual place where he sit with his head lolling to the side yet often times I found him just fine, smirking with a glass of wine in his hand, so his drunk call is just an act. He’s using his acting skill to deceive me from time to time, apparently. Like tonight, he stand there in his kitchen, pouring wine to the glass and just glance at me for two seconds and smirk. Part of me was dead because I’m embarrassed for being deceived hundred times but still running to his house, part of me just glad he is fine. Yeah, I have this kind of I’m-drunk-you-should-come-or-I’ll-die-relationship with someone so famous in the whole world.

“There you go again” I sneered, throwing my body onto the sofa, still catching my breath

“what, I am drunk but did I told you to come?”

Ah, right he didn’t tell me to. Damn.

“But you always like that, acting to be drunk and all and will call me hundred times before I ran here”  then he chuckled when he see me pout, offering me a glass of wine and sit beside me.

“whatever, I’m going home” I muttered after gulping the wine in one go

“ouch, no, come back, I need you” he pulled my hand immediately as soon as I stood, until I lose my balance and going back to sit on the sofa.

The words sting, I don’t know why. He needed me, he said. It’s always his reason to hold me in my place.

“sigh. What happened?”

“nothing, I just need you”

There was a time where he would ask me to sit beside him without doing nothing. Just stay there, he said. He didn’t want me to go yet he didn’t need me to do a small talk.

“okay”

“no, you can talk or do something”

“huh?”

“I mean, just stay the night, you know”

“okay, do you have salad?”

“mmm…nope”

“then cook something for me!”

“why now, you always make something by yourself” he said and still don’t care when I gave him a boring look

“ I think I still have some vegetables left. You know the dressing is always available, dear” He stares at me softly “go make some for me too, go”  he muttered with wide eyes and waving his hand told me to go. This means I will be occupied with something—make two portions of salad and eat it—which is the way how he make me stay in his place tonight, that’s why. I sighed loudly and walk to his beautiful kitchen. A nice spacious kitchen that always made me happy no matter how many times I made something here, delicious or not, I just love his kitchen.

I found some various vegetables in his refrigerator, not so many left but if I mixed it in one bowl, it would be enough for both of us. I washed all the vegetables, enjoying the sound of the water while my mind is wandering. What is happening with him today? Did he fall in love with someone? Or did someone broke his heart? Sigh…I hope it’s just from work. As a celebrity, a world wide one, he does not have much privacy and this cost a big deal to his life, really. When he feels down like this, he usually did everything to make me stay, not his girlfriend. Sometimes he called one of his band mate, Jiyong, or Dae to keep him company. He likes to spent his time alone, take a rest from his crowded routines, but he know his limit, he doesn’t want to be alone when he think it’s too lonely and sad. For these past 3 years or so, I always found myself here. I know much things about him, I know who broke his heart and his celeb crush. I stayed for a night or two, had a crazy night or just cuddling and sobbing like when reality hits us.

It was never clear to me nor for each of us what kind of friendship between a grown up man and woman who would stay the night and cuddling on the bed whenever one of us needed to talk about our problem yet too drunk to even say a word about it. Nobody knows this part of our friendship but our lover kept going back and forth feeling jealous.  Once, when I finally broke up with my abusive boyfriend, he sent a car to my apartment and his driver literally kidnap me. I was sobbing hard under the blanket when he dragged me out of my room only to apologize sincerely in the car after an hour of drama for me refusing to come with him.  "he said he will fire me if i couldn't fetch you right now" "you know he wouldn't do that! " i snapped with a snotty nose and he remained silent because of course he finally realize seung hyun won't fire him. 

It's that kind of relationship. A black hole of comfort between friendship and.. Love? Well, maybe. Because we could be as sweet as a lover but the next day we could be as goofy as a childhood best friend. So here we are, plunged into the black hole. None of us even bother to talk about what is going on between us because nothing is really going on but clearly there is a hint of something. Complicated, indeed. I don't know what is in his mind often times because if he's a painting, i think he's one of jackson Pollock's. Gestural, action, expressive but hard to read. He once said to me that I look like an illustration of Tetsuya Ishida, because if he put a frame of me and my background i'd look as gloomy. 

“YA, KIM MI RAE! you will make the world suffering if you use that much of water!” His blaring sound from the living room which is just 5 steps from here startled me and makes me dropped the vegetables.

“shut up!” and he laughs.

I hummed to Yeseo's song, Fake Love, while stirring the salad. When he suddenly hug me from the back and buried his head to my shoulder and sigh loudly. His hug is always warm, his big arm is like a pillow and his hair smelled nice all the time. 

"we look like a married couple, don't we? "

Married couple.

"hmm" I lazily responded, hiding my sudden nervousness.  

"do you want to? " he asked and i dropped my salad spoon out of nervous.

"what do you..." 

"i mean, i don't know if i want to get married, or maybe i will but in my 40s, how about you?" he take the spoon, stirred the salad with his right hand from behind and put his chin on my shoulder. 

"if i finally found the right one.. I will.. The one who could take care of me, i mean, we should take care of each other" I explained.

"we take care of each other" he responded calmly

"and see me as a woman" i glared at him and snatched back the spoon. i could feel my ears burning

"i see you as a woman" i snorted over his answer, stirred my salad over and over again though it's already done but i just don't know what to do, the dressing is melting now. 

"and really really love me" I added, quietly. He let me go and took the bowl of salad "let's eat this before it became a monster". He walked to the sofa and I stood in silence staring at his broad back, his ears are burning red. What just happened?The scene would be perfect if we kissed just now, like every Korean drama. Reality is so damn different with the drama, never as sweet yet painfully similar. Did my heart just shattered a bit when he didn't reply my last words? Why should i? Let us just stay in this black hole forever, can't we? Because if we stepped out and took one road we will be forever stuck in that road. Either stay as a best friend forever or become a lover and hurt each other until we can't go back. 

"I want Pomerol, you can't drink anymore" he pouted when i poured the wine. 

"why?"

"didn't you just blabbering in the kitchen? Why would you need more wine? "

"so it could be clear" 

"what? "

" nothing"

"see??" and he grin from ear to ear.

We talked about much things and eat the salad, sometimes he just stares at me stupidly chewing the salad. Then we had the second round of wine.

“How are you today?” he suddenly asked, staring and rubbing his glass with his thumb softly like it’s the most beautiful thing in this world.

“fine, sir” I answered. It’s our usual question whenever we’re alone, checking how we are doing in this suffocating world.

“how many years we’ve been friend?”

“uhh..like 6 years”

“and you’re still bad at lying”

“I’m not!” I exclaimed and he giggled making his chest move up and down.

Ah, right. It’s been six years. We started slow and gradually become close more than best friend.

“then what was that on  your SNS?”

“what was that what? I didn’t know you followed my sns”

“yeah I stalked on it” he said while make a sound from his nose holding his laughter and I chuckled amused by his cuteness.

“you missed him”

“nope”

“you post a dark thing on your sns and wrote a sad caption and then edited it again to “sigh”, what was that?”

“nosy”

“I am because I’m your friend” I glared to him “well best friend…or…whatever more close than that” he finally said with hesitation and I could see his ears are burning

“wait, I thought I came here because you’re drunk and I asked you first what was wrong. Why me now?”

He remained silence again. Did he made an excuse to make me come to him because I posted such thing? He always as sweet as sugar.

“thank you anyway” I muttered.

“for what?”

“for taking care of me”

“I’ve been taking care of you for five years and you just thanked me now? Yaaa…really this girl” he rub my hair roughly and we laughed and teasing at each other

“it hurts me to see you sad because of that guy, please stop missing him”

“and it hurts to see you drunk almost every night, please stay healthy”  

“now what do you want?” I asked sipping wine noisily, it tastes so good I almost gulped it all at once.

“why did you do that?”

“do what?”

“can you drink calmly?”

“don’t change the subject, bingu”

“I know, I know…”

He then cast an empty gaze to the window, pull a long sigh, put his head on the sofa and closed his eyes. I knew something was wrong but he couldn’t tell me. usually, I let him just stay silent, let him sip his wine endlessly through the night. But something was off today it bothering me so much I couldn’t stop to ask. I waited patiently, staring at his facial feature, thing that most of the girls in the whole world are crazy about. The second is another part of his body that he always covered it up, I remember how the fans squealing when he finally showed his top body in one of his movies. I love it too, him as a whole, as a friend. A friend? Well, yes what else. But friends don’t cuddle on a bed. My friends once said that a guy and a girl could not be friends. One of them or rarely both must have feelings toward each other. But I don’t think I like him, I mean I don’t know. Do I? I always congratulate him whenever he had a new lover yet I always protect him whenever he got hurt by the girls. Though sometimes it’s not something necessary to do but I always there with him, preventing him to fall apart. I guess I’m just being a good friend aren’t I? my favorite time is being alone just with him, seeing him with his girl feels like my friends just being snatched away. I don’t think about him that much when I’m with my boyfriend though. Now we’re single…and lost.

He suddenly patting the space next to him without opening his eyes, telling me to sit really close to him.

“what”

“just..come here” I put down the glass and do as he said, he then put me in his big arms.

“I don’t need anything, just you” he sighed.

My heart beats like crazy but this time sounds more loud than usual. I listen closely and it’s his heartbeat…pounding so fast like it’s going to burst. I lied down my head on his chest comfortably and he rub it slowly.

“seung hyun…”

“Hmm?”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk…but I’ll be  here for you…”

“I know…” he sighed again and holds me tight.

“I just need reassurance…”

“about what?” I look up to him and he stares at me as well. He looks amazingly sober after that much of wine. His eyes search for something in my eyes and makes me yearning for something I don’t know. I can feel his chest moving and his breath is getting shorter. He put his hand on my cheek, slowly onto the back of my ear and his lips…touches mine. His eyes are closed while I was still in shock and trying to move but he holds my hand immediately. The moment our lips met, all I can hear in my mind is… “CRAP. I love him…”  

---

SEUNG HYUN POV

Earlier in the studio, me and all my Bigbang members hanging out as usual.

"Six years and counting, my , Hyung! You know you loved her!” There he go again, Seungri is being Seungri. I shrugged over his words.

“shut up, you yourself had too much girl friends you don’t remember which is which anymore”

“better than doing nothing for six years”

“YA!!” I scolded, and all of my band mates laughs at our silliness.

I went back home and Seungri's word are all over my mind. I think too much afterwards and suddenly call her without even a sip of wine. She will come if I acting like I was messed up and drunk. And here we are again, ended up on the same kitchen over and over again. Drinking wine, blabbering and cuddling. She never asked me trivial question and she always there when I’m down. She never sugar coated her words nor her actions yet I can see that she cares about me. Always wearing t-shirt or oversized sweater with her messy bob hair. She was the one who hugs me when I cried over little things. My Kimmi, my best friend, my best girl. Sometimes I think I want to marry a girl like her but I never know her feelings toward me. Uuhh.. wait, how I feel towards her again?

I saw her washing the vegetables from the back, with her comfortable loose sweater, she looks so warm. I hug her calmly from the back when she finally stirring up the salad. Years ago, when I did this to her, she flinched, punching my arms and I laughed nervously, but now it became a habit. A comfortable bad habit.  Her hair smells like bubble gum and her body is so tiny I feel like I could crush her with my big arms. She’s so nervous when I talked about marriage, what a cutie. Ah, Seungri, maybe you’re right, maybe this is love or maybe just a love for a best friend, I don’t know.

I could not answer her last statement that her husband to be need to really really love her. Because I don’t even know what is happening between us. Our relationships are nothing like no-string attached things yet our lover hates it when we were together. Do I love her? After all these years? I remember how angry I was when she was abused by her boyfriend, I remember how my hearts pounding like crazy when she hugged me because of it three years ago. It hurts me seeing her so patheticly in love with a crappy- guy. I thought it’s because he was abusive…then there’s a time when she had a perfect boyfriend, like a year ago, and I still want to punch him in the face. Maybe because it feels like my best friends snatched away from me but it left me empty. Or maybe…more than that? I really had no clue…

Sometimes, she protested about my choice of girlfriends. Some of them are ‘too y’ or ‘too naughty’ she said. Sometimes I could hear a long sigh from her after a long story about me and my girlfriend had a nice date in a fancy restaurant but she never showed any jealousy. She was just there and her presence never annoys me like sometimes my girl friend did. Now we’re single…and lost.

So here I am, needing reassurance about this pounding chest. It’s normal for us to cuddle but it’s not normal how my heart beats faster than usual tonight. It does beats faster when I was with her but it was a long time ago. I feel like we part our ways by seeing someone else in our life, we take a detour, really. But what’s a detour if we did not ended up together in the end? What the hell am I talking about?

She keeps asking question what happened to me today. She gave me a cute pout I can hardly resist. She looks like a puppy, always obedient to me. Like when I patted a very close space to where I sit now she scooted closer with a big round eyes as if she was asking what is it? What is it? And wagging her tail. Sometimes she pouted all day long but still obedient to every single thing I said and it’s hilarious to see. When she put her head on my chest, I knew she heard my heart beats so fast but she’s rather slow so I bet she’s confused right now, can’t even tell who’s heartbeat was that. She’s so precious…maybe if I kissed her I will finally know…

…So I kissed her and I feel so glad, so contented when my lips touched her soft and small plumpy lips. It feels like my burden has gone…

and crap…I do love her…