“Again?” I questioned sadly.

“Yes again.” He was obviously annoyed. “You aren’t my whole life, Romy.”

I crossed my arms and let my eyes fall to the floor. “I didn’t say I was, I just wish I was some part of it,” I mumbled.

He sighed deeply, trying not to lose his cool. His fingers combed through his hair roughly as he leaned against the wall.

This was the 6th day in a row where he was going out. I have never been one to cling to her boyfriend day and night, especially with Jimin’s schedule, but this was his first full month-long break since we started dating. Our relationship has never been easy. The year and a half of our relationship felt more like only a few months because of BTS’ comeback two months after we started dating. Between the month-long intensive prep with photoshoots, late night recordings and the MV shoot then the month-long promotion we might as well have been acquaintances. Not to mention the scandal.

Two weeks after their comeback promotions ended Namjoon got tangled in a scandal with some Chinese actress. Bang PD-nim told the boys to lay low and stick together during that time. Of course, this meant I couldn’t see him for a while.

At first, he would facetime me every night. Telling me how they were all going stir crazy and hopefully, everything would die down soon so I could be back in his arms. The way he looked made me hope the same thing more than I hoped to find a job.

But something changed during that period. He changed.

Instead of facetime, he began just calling me, then just texting, then just a quick mention of him during a conversation with another member.

When the scandal finally lost all traction he came home but it was already too late. He was someone different.

“Romy-ah, don’t start.”

I furrowed my brows. “I’m not trying to ‘start’. I just miss you.”

“How can you miss me if I’m right here?” It was rhetorical of course but it was a stupid question nonetheless that I felt needed to be answered.

“Because you are only there for a few seconds.” I finally focused my eyes on him. “In ten minutes, you will be gone. Tomorrow morning you will be here but by tomorrow afternoon you’ll be right back out.”

“Well at least we both agree that I am still going out.” he said and grabbed his keys. For a second I almost blocked his path but I didn’t have the physical or mental strength.

---

“Y/N-ssi, please sit.” My doctor smiled as she motioned for me to take a seat. Her smile was one of sympathy and it made my stomach knot with twice the nerves I had before. I had come to see Dr.Kwon, my normal doctor, a few days ago after I noticed I was having trouble falling asleep. Since she was busy I ended up seeing another doctor in the practice which is why I was surprised when she called me in early this morning to discuss my visit. “I understand you came in about your fatigue.”

“Yes.” I replied weakly, thinking of the strange way I had been feeling lately.

“Apparently you have developed insomnia. As I am sure you know, this mixed your anemia is detrimental to your health. It is already affecting the way your immune system is functioning.”

I nodded shamefully.

Her soft eyes stayed on me as I looked down. “I am not here to scold you and I won’t tell you anything you don’t already know. The only change I am going to push on you is this.” She handed me a small bottle. “Triazolam”

I stared at the bottle until landing on the words ‘sleep aid’.

“These will help you get to sleep.”

“Do I have to take these?”

She hesitated before shaking her head slowly. “You don’t have to but I highly recommend that you do. If you don’t get some sleep soon I may end up prescribing more than just a sleep aid.”

I uttered a quiet ‘Thank you’ before bowing and turning to leave.

“Oh and Romy.” I faced Dr. Kwon once more. “Please be careful with those. Some people tend to develop a dependence.”

I gave the small bottle another glance before nodding and exiting quietly.

---

I squeezed the bottle tightly in my hand as I stared at the clock.

1:35 am

I desperately searched my brain for a reason why I didn’t need these pills, why I was stronger than a prescription. I found nothing as the clock stared back at me tauntingly the way it had been for hours. I knew now was not the time to be stubborn. I had an interview in the morning. I needed this job. I couldn’t stay the unemployed foreigner any longer. The money from my study abroad program was going to run out soon and there was no way I could live off of the money in my savings for more than a few months. I had no other option.

Feeling defeated, I opened the bottle.

I hesitantly placed two of the white pills in my mouth, swallowing them dry.

I slowly laid my head down on my pillow, facing the clock. As I waited for the pills to take effect, I knew that there was one thing that could have made me stronger than this prescription…but he was out of my reach.