Late night 11 pm in his apartment's balcony that stood in 7th floor, with dozens of beer's can scattered on the bare surface, the cruel air that passes touching his bare skin makes Hongbin jerk out in annoyance. He flinches, heaving a sigh that invades anger of disturbance.

 

 

 

The cool breezes made its entrance in wrong time when Taekwoon's smiling so brightly at him.

 

 

 

It is dark and the only light source is the half-moon that illuminated Taekwoon's face blurry but Hongbin could bet Taekwoon's smiling dearly at him, only to him. So pushing the stubborn cold aside, Hongbin solely focuses his mind back on Taekwoon's smile and finds himself smiling at the sight, his own deep dimples bouncing on both of his cheeks.

 

 

 

Your dimples are the cutest. Taekwoon had said one evening caressing them.

 

 

 

Smiling Taekwoon is really rare to meet. Not because he is freak or anything but for the last seventeen years which they had spent together, Taekwoon barely smiled. Laughing sounds and giggles? Only if you were lucky enough as Hongbin, you'd get to hear it. Like on the occasion when Hongbin's sister brings her baby girl home, Taekwoon gets all happy and admires her with cute satisfying giggles.

 

 

 

Because his lips don't always curl upward like it is curling now, his eyes don't always crease into hundreds of creasants like it is creasing now, and his nose doesn't always scrunch upward like it is scrunching now. Hongbin isn't letting this life like chance to see Taekwoon smile go just because of the wind that blew shamelessly around him.

 

 

 

 

"Hyung, you should smile often. You know- you look most beautiful when you smile." Tints of shiver lacing his voice, Hongbin comments out loud and feels the smile on Taekwoon's lips widened but he knows the elder hasn't even twisted his lips an inch from where it was elongated before.

 

 

 

He takes a ship of his drink.

 

 

 

"Promise me hyung, you’ll always be happy." Hongbin holds out his pinky finger towards Taekwoon as for locking the promise but the elder doesn't even budge yet his smile remains constant. The latter directly stares into Hongbin's eyes or so maybe Hongbin is the one staring into his eyes, no one knows but Hongbin.

 

 

So, he just drags his finger back as he nibbles his lower lip and satisfies himself with the smile he has been earning. It’s kind of disappointing because the other ma didn't give him a response back but it is fine. Hongbin is fine. He has to be fine.

 

 

 

Taking another light ship, "Hyung, I feel like heaven is waiting for me up there." he says pointing at the sky. Millions of stars twinkling brightly, shooting their shines as if they were already welcoming Hongbin to step in fast.

 

 

Or maybe hell actually?

 

 

"You won't mind if I leave, will you?" Hongbin asks playing the hem of his drinks can. There's quite shuffle movement in his hand and the next moment Taekwoon is sitting beside him on his right. And Taekwoon still doesn't tend to reply. He only listens, dearly.

 

 

"Or would you rather like to go together with me?" Hongbin asks again, playful giggle lingering in his voice. "It would be nice if we could go together." This time he sighs, suddenly, there is change in his voice. "It really would be nice, wouldn't it?" But then he is back to cheerful tone again in a time.

 

 

 

He stands up abruptly and enters inside his residence, leaving Taekwoon alone just to be back in seconds, with a pack of cigarettes in his hand.

 

 

 

"Want it?" Hongbin offers one but then holds it in his own mouth instead. "Kidding, I know you hate smoking." He teases and lights it quick.  He some clumsy puff rapidly and immediately warmness takes over him. He doesn't seem to shiver anymore. 

 

 

 

There's this long silence until Hongbin finishes his first piece of cigarette that night and grabs into another.

 

 

 

"Hyung, remember?" Hongbin then starts, mouth dry.  "When we first met, I was in so hurry that I stripped on my legs-" he takes a second to bite cigarette in his lip's hold. "- and bumped into your back. And you started crying because I dropped your ice-cream on mud. You looked so ugly crying." Hongbin laughs out loud on the said memory, failing to light his new stick on his lips and attempting again to only fail again. 

 

 

 

"You didn't stop crying until I bought you new cone and the money I used was for buying my sister’s pencil colours she had ordered me to. I got my life time scold from my sister that day." He is still laughing, rubbing his stomach that his cigarette falls off his mouth and lands on the droplets of poured beer on the bare floor. , one wasted. He curses internally but doesn't stop laughing. Is this supposed to be this funny though? Because he feels weird as he is the only one laughing there but who cares? He continues with his generous laugh. 

 

 

 

“Turned out we were neighbours, yeah?” his dimples are on flash. 

 

 

 

 

The memory was precious, indeed. Precious enough to bring a tinge in his heart, all these yearning gathering in his heart and mind to go back to that times when they were still only kids. If only he could do that, he swears he wouldn't ever come back to the cruel present he is living in. 

 

 

 

 

"I was only 7 and you were 10 then." Hongbin then decreases the pace of his laugh that turns into a soft smile as he grabs another stick out the packet and succeeds to light it in one go even when speaking. So, the remaining words come out as muffles. "Afterwards, we pretty much became inseparable friends and I started depending on you so much." 

 

 

 

 

He now scratches his side lock sheepishly after dusting ashes carelessly on the floor that lands on the empty beer cans, not bothering to pour it in ashtray which is though only an inch away from him.

 

 

"Even if it was just a simple task, I couldn't do it without you."  He glances at Taekwoon, narrowing his eyebrows as he creeps his second piece of cigarette on only its halfway, suddenly not feeling like it. Instead, he grabs the leftover beer. 

 

 

 

 

"Such as for choosing shoes for school." He huffs a laugh. “You’d always choose them for me.” 

 

 

 

 

"But you see, you never complained. You never scolded. You were always so caring." He sighs. The sigh that contains guiltiness and hesitancy. "You spoiled me for who I am today." Hongbin wants to scold Taekwoon for always helping him through all his clumsiness, bratness, harding, failings and everything in between. 

 

 

 

But he doesn't. He can't scold the other man even if he wants to because Hongbin must have been always a fragile child that Taekwoon couldn't resist not helping. After all, Taekwoon is always so kind and beautiful, inside and out.

 

 

 

At the end, it's his own entire fault for becoming who he is today. Weak, pitiful and loser.

 

 

 

"So, may be that is why I depended on you too much more than I should have." A glimpse of sadness rises in his face with a heavy frown. 

 

 

 

"I was so clumsy, stupid and oblivious. Ha, I know I still am." He tries to scoff with a laugh but seriousness heels over. "But you were always there to carry me back home when I fall off the tree. You were always there to nurse me when I frequently use to trip and ripped my flesh. You were always there to take me to school and bring me back home. You were always there to fight for me when I got bullied. You were always there to cheer me up when everyone ignored my passion for basketball. You were always there to encourage me when I failed." He is now biting his fingernails, a habit he discovered when he gets serious, stressed and nervous. Taekwoon continuously always warned him before to not eat them as they are unhealthy but old habits die hard, he couldn't help but bite them. 

 

 

 

"Even till yesterday, when I got drunk, I texted you like a habit and dang you were there to guide me home." He says, a different tone in his voice that signals a breakdown in anytime, ahead. “You could have just denied coming.” 

 

 

 

Taekwoon stays ridiculously silent today to which Hongbin doesn't mind. 

 

 

 

"You made me feel like you were mine, like-- you'd always stay with me forever by my side." A sudden crack in his voice startles himself that he tries to shove it away with a sheepish smile, still biting on his nails hard that his ring finger starts bleeding but he is less to care about it. "So I never implied on improving myself that I slip out of my own hand and ended on relying more on you." He reaches for another piece of cigarette when he feels like vomiting because of the blood he off his finger for which he low-key wishes Taekwoon to stop him from smoking now that he had already had two sticks, like he always did before but strangely the latter doesn't stop him today. 

 

 

 

 

He doesn't light the piece though. Instead he only plays with it in his fingers as his eye lines seem to have fresh tears now. He is avoiding Taekwoon’s eyes or maybe Taekwoon is the one to avoid, he doesn't know. "I was so selfish I didn't realize you have your own life to deal with--" Hongbin practically coughs trying to stay stable on his voice. "--until - you told me you were- 

 

 

 

A long pause. 

 

 

 

-getting engaged."

 

 

 

Hongbin crushes the unused cigarette in his hand as a drop of tear shamelessly slips down his cheek and he turns away from his hyung.  He wants to smack himself for being so weak that he can't even have a straight conversation.

 

 

 

Hongbin feels the presence of cruel breezes coming back to him. He is regaining all his goose bumps back on his body.

 

 

 

But he continues.

 

 

 

"I never thought you'd fall in love with some another person rather than me." He gulps hard in shame, couldn't believe he was being selfish again. "Not that you ever said you loved me, though." He laughs which contains zero humour in it because he is crying, he is squeaking shamelessly that he doesn't care if Taekwoon's gonna for being a cry-baby, he is still going to cry his heart out.

 

 

 

Hongbin insists to wipe those fallen tears with his bare unused hand but the more he wipes the more of them slips continuously. He low-key again wishes Taekwoon to hug and comfort him but no any process is seen so he just gives up and let the tears flow.

 

 

 

"I was blinded by my own fantasies to the point-- I thought you'd see my love even if I didn't have to-- confess it to you." With a very heavy heart, he finishes the sentence. Because he is sobbing so hard, it feels hard to keep his eyes conscious. He can't see properly due to his tears, so when he glances at Taekwoon, he sees elder smiling yet brightly. But he believes he saw it wrong because Taekwoon never smiles seeing Hongbin in tears.

 

 

 

"Or maybe, I was too afraid you would caught me falling for you that I hid so well and I was gone unnoticed!?" He jerks out to himself, exhausted. "But I still wanted you all by myself.” He confesses. “I don't know, hyung. I just don't know anymore." His head falls down low, so low that his chin sticks up in his adam's apple. He cries silently that way for a bit before mumbling: 

 

 

 

"It hurts, hyung."

 

 

 

"It hurts seeing you care for someone who is not me." Hongbin grits his teeth under soft whisper, or maybe lower than the whisper itself. "It hurts seeing you smile for that I am not the reason behind your beautiful smile anymore." He admits with same the soft voice, finally dragging his head to look up straight to the city light, shining as same as stars up above on the sky, so welcoming.

 

 

 

"It’s been three months, yeah?" He asks in air this time, not really feeling like looking at Taekwoon now. "Since- yo...you got married." Hongbin tries to huff with a scoff but he couldn't. "And see, I am still in a mess." He points at himself pathetic, broken, and not even properly dressed.

 

 

 

 

"How much more do you think I can live like this?" Hongbin tries to not boil up in anger for he is very much angry to himself for being so weak and fragile. Or rather he is angry with his creator that made him so freaking pathetic loser. His cheeks start burning. 

 

 

 

"I tried, okay, I tried." Hongbin explains suddenly raking fingers through his already messed hair quite hardly, desperate, not like Taekwoon begged him to explain though. "I ing tried hard. I tried everything I could. I resigned from our workplace just to not get tangled with you. Why did I even start working with you in the first place? Ah, I forgot that it was me who begged to work at your office." He huffs pathetic laugh like him, grabbing a bundles of his hair in process, remembering how he had dropped the offer from some big company just to stay beside Taekwoon even when the elder insisted him to work at good paying company. "For holy , I even went for a non-needed vacation to distract myself from you. But my whole mind, heart and even my body always seem to want you that they always drag me to you." He continues without escaping any breathes. "I ing even drugged myself with something very strong hyung, but you see, I couldn't stay high for very long. You’re the one I am addicted to. All this stupid ’s ain't gonna help me."  Finally,  he lets out his collected breathe heavily as if he had just came back running 100 laps, no wonder tears escaped out thoroughly after. 

 

 

 

 

But he isn't finished just yet.

 

 

 

"I locked myself in my room. I -ev- even-- smashed my phone trying not to call you and I freaking even changed my number but what's the point? I have your cell phone number pasted in my mind like some stubborn tattoo."  Hongbin abruptly stands up from the bench they have been seated on, "You are tattooed inside me, hyung, you. I can't even remove you out of me even if I want to." and shuffle kicks the railing of his balcony hardly that his toes crack. He doesn't even flinch neither he groans. Too numb to feel the pain even when he didn't take any right now.

 

 

 

Hongbin passes on his legs instead, as his toes start bleeding slowly. 

 

 

 

There forms a long dead silent besides Hongbin's after tears sob. He calmed himself down and has basically stopped crying, yet his eyes are swollen that threaten to develop new tears and dry hiccups are still lingering like he is gonna cry again anytime soon. He doesn't speak for now and his eyes rummage at the sky. Stars are twinkling even brighter than before to which Hongbin thinks they were signalling him to confront them fast. 

 

 

 

"Hyung!?" He calls. Silence replies, Hongbin still doesn't mind.

 

 

 

"Will you still be happy if I am not around?" He asks, sparks on his eyes, heart very much expectant.

 

 

 

"You will, won't you?" Because you have found your happiness already, yeah? He doesn't voice it loud though. 

 

 

 

"Will you still miss me though?"

 

 

 

Hongbin asks shamelessly, mending himself that this is gonna be the last query for today. For the nth time, he wishes Taekwoon to reply his questions. At least to this one, with a big yes. But realization hits him that the elder's not gonna give him a response back.

 

 

 

Biting on his nails again, he side eyes to the elder who in particularly stays calm, still smiling. Taekwoon was rude the whole session of discussion today; he didn't even say a word. All he did was smile. Finally, something hit him inside and he guesses it to be disappointment in Taekwoon but he knows that is not the case. He isn't disappointed in Taekwoon but in himself. 

 

 

 

"Ha...." Hongbin suddenly laughs, head hung low looking at his fingers, picking on the wound he dug before with his teeth. "I am a-a coward, hyung." He says, turning to view at the city through small spaces between railings, he stares at the tall buildings rather bluntly for long time. He doesn't even blink until he grabs the handle of railing to help himself stand. He finally feels the pain from his broken toes but he ignores and stands fine, slightly leaning on the rods.

 

 

 

"Forgive me, yeah?" Hongbin gives a teary look at Taekwoon and yet the elder gives him the same smile. 

 

 

 

 

"Hyung, I am diseased. I can't live any longer." Hongbin declares finally picking up Taekwoon in his hand, who is captured in a pocket size, half crumpled photo. His one hand still grabbing on the rod to support himself in a standing position.  "And the disease is you, hyung." He caresses Taekwoon's cheek, where a drop of Hongbin's tear falls shamelessly. 

 

 

 

 

"And you know what's the funniest ?-" Hongbin asks the happy elder in the picture. "-that the only cure for my you disease is you." He attempts to scoff a laugh but fails. "And I ain't got you, hyung. I am slowly withering without you. In fact I am already withered inside." Hongbin rather really got withered as he looks like a fragile homeless kid, ribs fully visible inside his tank top. 

 

 

 

He slips his hand off his support and climbs the bench despite his feet bleeding quite roughly. It doesn't actually matter. Hongbin's expiring anyway. 

 

 

 

In seconds of four after standing on the bench, Hongbin's already on the top flat edge of railing in the blink of eye, stumbling on his hurt feet dangerously. His hands tremble siding in act of balancing his legs on the flat rod. But what's the point of balancing? He is falling off it anyway. His heart doesn't even skip a beat when even he glances down at the dark dead invisible ground where he's gonna land on soon. He is rather curious how's he gonna feel when he flies off. Would he see butterflies flying together with him? 

 

 

 

 

It would be quite, no, actually very much better if he could fly with Taekwoon instead. 

 

 

 

 

"I am leaving, hyung." Hongbin smiles, tears long gone but dry sobs still lingering at the back of his voice. And he doesn't know if they'll ever meet again or in fact he isn't sure if Taekwoon's ever gonna come see him. So, he pecks Taekwoon softly before letting go of the picture as the picture lands on one of the beer can, it tilts to other half of the crumpled side revealing smiling happy sixteen years Hongbin looking at nineteen years old Taekwoon, his hands laced around elder's arm. 

 

 

 

 

They use to happy. Where did the things go wrong?

 

 

“I love you hyung.”

 

 

 

 

May be this was something he should have confessed sometimes very earlier. Things could have been different then. 

 

 

 

Hongbin jumps off with a smile before closing his eyes, memories flashing from his childhood when Taekwoon was still only his Taekwoon, as he flies along with the winds. 

 

 

 

And right then the ringer on his apartment buzzes.

 

 

 

"Bean-ah, its Taekwoon." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

----

 

 

I warned. 

I hate myself a lot for writing this . 

 

 

Mistakes and errors, read on your own risk. Thankyou ♡♡

 

 

----