The skies look cloudy and the wind blowing coldly. I stand here in front of the lake in the empty park clutching on my coat to make me feel a bit warmer, looking at the almost frozen lake. I’m waiting. Again. For him.

I can’t feel my hand and feet anymore, my face is frozen and my lips is getting so dry to the point it’s hurt so much when I move my lips. My eyes getting teary by the cold wind. I swear I put a lot of layer so I can wait for him for a long time but this weather is just too much to bear. Even though my hands completely frozen I reaching for my phone in my bag and calling him. I almost here for 2 hours in this cold weather and he still not come.

“hey.” I can hear his voice so clearly from the phone. The voice that I have loved for the last 2 years.

“I thought you said 11am at the park?” I can feel my dry lips is hurting when I said that.

“oh god, you already there? In this cold weather?”

“I do.”

“god seriously Nari. You make me feel really bad. Since the weather is so bad I thought you wont show up so I’m still in my house now.”

And you don’t even bother to tell me you are not going to come. My heart is screaming those words out loud. I text him before that I’m on my way to the park but he didn’t even read it. He really is a busy man lately he has a lot of work everyday even on weekend. I probably only talk to him by phone and the last time I meet him in person it was less than a day in 3 months ago. But I’m still waiting. Waiting to the time where both of us can have more conversation, can meet oftenly just like we used to in our first year. I'm used to wait. I’ve always been patient for him because he ask me to. He ask me to wait for him, to go with any difficult time with him, to be there for him, and I did.

“johnny, didn’t I text you that I’m on my way to the park? And didn’t I text you to come here fast because right now the weather is killing me?”

“oh sorry. I didn’t open it.”

And it’s hit me. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being treat this way. I see his sns post before I came here but he doesn't  even bother to open my chat. I’m so frustrated, I feel so bad, I feel so sad but I can’t cry. My chest is hurting me. I can’t breath. Enough. I’ve enough of all this thing. I don’t want to stay no more.

“i’m going home. Anything else to say?”

“okay nari, I guess I will just said it here. I think it will be better if we take a break. I need to get my self in the right mind first and the last thing I want to do is to hurting you. I don’t want to see you hurting because of me in the future. We still can talk like we always do right? It’s just you don’t need to wait for me anymore and I can do my things easily. All I wanna say is, I’m sorry and I’m so thankful for you at everything you’ve done. You teach me how to love dearly, you teach me everything. It’s just lately I really not in my right mind and I need to fix it first.”

I can’t say anything suddenly. No, I somehow glad cause I’m so tired but now I really feel like a stupid person. We broke up once after our 14^th month. he want to broke up suddenly and after a few weeks I realized he already had a new girlfriend. Those time I feel terrible about everything until a really good boy came into my life, he really love me the way I am even though he know that I still can’t move on from my ex. He really is a good boy. But when he asked  me to be his girlfriend johnny came back to me. Johnny broke up with her girlfriend because he said he realized that he loved me all of this time, he is just stupid because he choose his crush for his love and that time he really don’t want to let me go anymore. Since I was still in love with him that time too I rejected that good boy for him. Now it feels like a waste. I'm wasting a good boy for him. I'm wasting my time.

“nari? I’m sorry. I know you must be very angry with me, right?”

No, I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at myself. I pity myself. For wasting my time waiting. For the lack of sleep I got because I’m waiting for you and I keep thinking about our relationship. For staying with you. For ignore my depression in times because I don’t want to make you feel more tired listen to it even though you only give me a tears as a gift. I feel angry at my self.

“no I am not. Don’t worry. Okay if that all you want to say, bye johnny.” My ego strike me. I don’t want to look sad, I don’t want to beg. The thing that I’m glad is now I've done waiting. I’m happy because of it. I just feel terrible at myself, how can I ditched my own self like that. Now I will never looking back. No matter what the situation I promise myself this is the last time. I won’t be his friend, I won’t talk to him. Not because ‘he hurt me I don’t want to talk to him’ but because I want him to suffer. I know he still want a support from me and cheer him up that’s why he still want to be my friend, and I know he already have someone he likes and he will be in another relationship soon, and if I still give him a support by talking to him he win. I don’t want it. I want him to learn how it feels to lose something. Something that you take it easy and you will realized you lost a lot of thing from it.

Before I reach the bus stop I saw a nearby coffee shop and I decided to stop by and warm my self up before going home. I order a warm Americano with a cinnamon roll. I sit by the window and looking at the street outside. I see many people outside laughing, looking sad, frowning then smiling. It’s fascinating how human can have all of those emotion in one body. But now I don’t know what I feel, I feel relieved but at the same time I feel angry. I don’t know what I’m feeling.. maybe I’m getting numb to the pain. What’s the point of in relationship anyway? No matter how long you keep it going there is nothing stay forever in this world and that also applied for love. I just realized that I do not love him anymore. All feeling for him just gone with the cold wind. With the pain I got because of waiting.

“may I sit here? All the seat were taken.” I heard a boy voice in front of me, I keep looking at the window and Ignore him. “You may.” before i sit here i feel like there is a lot of empty seat. weird. but okay maybe now the cafe is full.

I see him sitting in front of me from the corner of my eyes but I didn’t bother to look at him. Zoning out is really the thing that  can make me feel calm and endure my own emotion slowly, by thinking a lot of other things.

“you still not changed, nari. You keep zoning out.”

Wait- this person know my name. is he a stalker or… I look up on him and I feel like I just got a heart attacked. He is that good boy that I knew, the boy that I rejected before. The boy that used to be the best blessing in my entire life. then suddenly it hits  me, In all of my life time why I meet him now.

“jung jaehyun…..”

“how are you Im Nari?”

I calm myself down and smile at the smiling lovely boy in front of me.

“I don’t know how to answer that one question actually”

It’s been a long time after I meet him. The last time I meet him was a year ago after I rejected him, after that he is just gone from my life.

“how’s your depression? Better?” yes, he is the only person that know about my depression except my 2 girlfriends and johnny ofcourse but i believe he alread forgot about it. he doesn't even bother to know my condition/

“well you know, it’s on up and down side of the hill. How about you?? It’s been a long time since i heard anything about you.”

“I’m fine I guess, I do a lot volunteering for this years, so everything really make me hard to stay in touch with everyone, even with my parents.”

“our angel jaehyun truly a blessing for the world.” he cringe at what I said and we just laugh it off.

“how’s johnny?” he suddenly ask and turn me into a stone. Should I tell him or not…

“what’s the matter? Why are you frozen like that?” he asked again. Well it’s not a sin to share what I feel to other people right?

“I broke up with him just 2 hours ago actually. You know, he told me to wait for him despite his busy schedule and I stupidly do. I wait like forever for him. I’m waiting, waiting and waiting. That’s all I’ve been doing. Even though he only give me tears or he didn’t listen how’s my day going anymore I'm still waiting for the time where he is not that busy. But lately it’s too much to bear, I’m tired of it. I’m hurting unknowingly. I’m regretting it unknowingly. He becomes weird. well I know he must be like someone else now and he don’t want to cheat on someone so he decided to let go of me. Part of me is angry right now because of that person who let go of me so easily but part of is... glad of it. even though he didn’t ask for break up earlier I would probably ask for it today. My feelings for him is now gone. just like a beautiful rock on the shore that always getting hit by the wave a thousand time. Even though the rock want to stay it’s just can’t, the wave is too strong.”

The way he look at me is so sad, like I’m the saddest person in the world. “oh no- don’t pity me. It’s enough for me pitying my own self.”

“no I’m not pity you. I’m sad for you. You do know that you are a really strong woman to handle that kind of thing right?”

“I believe every woman is strong in their own way.”

“ it is. And you are amazing.”

I can’t say anything I feel like my heart skip a beat at the way he look at me now. I somehow feel love by the stare he gives me.

“sometimes loving someone can make us do a lot of unimaginable thing.”

I smirk at the remarks he made and laugh bitterly “it sure do.”

“it’s getting late should I walk you home?”

Yes it really is and I still have a lot of task for tomorrow classes. I don’t want graduate from college as a bad student who have no motivation to lives anymore.

“if that’s okay with you, that will be nice.” In this situation it’s just the best for not feeling lonely. For have someone to talk to.

 

After a 15 minutes bus ride with a lot of chat he walked me home till my apartment door. “ woojae thankyou for walking me home. It’s nice to have a nice company.” I said with my biggest smile of the day. Woojae is my nickname for him a long time ago its from ‘uri jaehyun’ and he said it’s okay for me to call him with that nick again beside he want to call me with my nickname from him which is ‘naeri’ from ‘nae nari’. It’s so childish but we just love the way it is.

“it’s not a problem, you know I also glad have a nice conversation and laugh after a long time.”

“shouldn’t I be the one who said that? Tch a line stealer!” I jokingly as I hit his chest a lot of time while I put a fake upset face. But then he suddenly grab my arm tightly and stop me from hitting him and pulling me closer. We just an inches away from each other my face now facing his chest and I didn’t dare to look up to look at his face. He put my chin up with his other hand to look at him. I can see his dark brown eyes and his perfect nose, his plump lips just an inches away from mine. My heart stop to beat and I suddenly forget about anything else. He suddenly kiss my cheeks. My left cheek first and slowly like tracing my face with his lips to my right cheek. “that’s for being strong.” And then he kiss my forehead for a long time, long enough to make me feel like I can die anytime soon because suddenly I can’t breath. “and that’s for being naeri.”

 

I legit feel like I’m going to explode. I look up and still see him with a really close distance. “what is it about woojae…” I ask more like whispering since I can’t move my lips. “I want to say sorry, maybe the mess that you’ve been through it’s because of what I did. I mean- while working or volunteering I always pray and hope that maybe there is a chance for you to be with me, there is a way where you can love me. And suddenly those thing come true, there is a way but that way just hurting you. I feel bad. I’m so sorry.” I giggles hearing those word. “are you blaming my stupidity on you? You are really a funny guy woojae.”

He suddenly close the distance beetwen us by hugging me tightly. So tight as if this is a last day for us to live in this world. “you really do stupid one. Don’t you understand what I mean? I mean I’m still in love with you for all this time. I keep waiting for the day where I can hug you like this. For the day where I got a chance to love you and be loved by you. I- I love you. A lot. You don’t know how I feel when I come back to seoul and saw you on that coffee shop it’s like a miracle, its like our fate. Or not. I don’t care. The thing is I love you, Im Nari.”

I don’t know how to process the information. I feel attacked. I feel overwhelmed. i just decided not to love can I be in love again with him? Or am I already in love? I don’t know.

“jaehyun-ah… you know… I just broke up and I do feel something for you but I’m still scared to love. I don’t know anymore how the relationship work. This is too much in a day for me.”

He let go of me and look into my eyes deeply his hands on my shoulder probably the only reason I still standing not falling to the floor because I feel like my feet is so weak.

“I know, oh my god I’m so sorry. I just rushing everything. I just don’t want to lose you anymore. Don’t worry I will take it slowly. Let’s spend our time together, playing, singing, cooking, studying and even crying together from now on and see what can we do in the future. How is it?”

I put a small smile while nodding my head. I feel so glad knowing there is a person like woojae for me in this world.

“okay I should go home I guess.” He said as he let go of my shoulder. Suddenly I feel like I can fall anytime soon.

“do you want stay for awhile and eat here? I can cook dinner for you if you want to.” I seriously don’t know what came to me. That words just came without my conscious.

He smile widely till his eyes look like a half moon. “that will be everything for me”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thats all! please leave comment if you want to, that will mean so much to me. anw it's also based on suzy's song called midnight!! go check it out!! its a good song!!