Tzuyu closed her eyes as she breathed the air for her lungs to take. It’s been a while since she’s been out and she might not want to admit it but fresh air is exactly what she needed right now. 

The weather is surprisingly cold today. She heard from the news earlier it’s going to be warm but she didn’t know why she didn’t trust the newscaster and instead trusted her guts. She couldn’t be more proud she wore a long coat but that still didn’t stop her from freezing her hands.

She put her hands inside her pocket and finally entered the cafe after contemplating for minutes if she should stay there for a while to buy some time.

Tzuyu was greeted by a familiar scent. It was just like before but no she realized, it wasn’t. She first noticed how the the usual warm smile of the middle-aged woman at the counter who greets her is missing and instead replaced by a young woman with a clearly fake smile who looks like she’s ready to bolt out of the place the moment her shift ended.

She also noticed how the paintings and even the wallpaper have changed. The atmosphere itself inside felt so strange. Of all the things that changed, she couldn’t help but wonder what didn’t change?

She was certain she did. The Tzuyu from two months ago wouldn’t even be here in the first place. She would be out there exploring more of what the world can offer. The Tzuyu from two months ago felt more alive and happy.

She ordered a coffee and sat right next to the window.

How can she felt familiar and yet so out of place at the same time?

Something’s missing. Of course, she laughed bitterly. It isn’t the same as before that’s what she know for sure, there will be forever in her missing.

As she sipped her coffee she decided whether to call Jeongyeon or not. She didn’t want to worry her unnies but at the same time she didn’t want to let them know what she’s up to. The good side of her won and dialed the elder’s number.

“Tzuyu?” Jeongyeon answered after a few rings. When the maknae kept mum she continued, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing I--” she hesitated.

It’s as if the elder can already feel her nervousness so she softly said, “It’s okay you can tell me anything.”

Tzuyu sighed. “I just wanted to tell you I went out.”

The silence that came afterwards kind of scared her. Is she pushing her buttons now? She figured her unnie would understand. Isn’t this what they wanted her to do anyway? She needed to break free, they say.

After a couple of seconds Jeongyeon finally uttered a reply.

“Please tell me you’re not gonna do anything stupid.”

The youngest let out a shaky breathe she didn’t even know she’s been holding and replied almost defensively, “I swear I’m not.”

She paused and after contemplating whether to tell her the truth or not, she decided to tell her. It’s Jeongyeon after all. She used to be someone she can always depend on. She did nothing but take good care of her like always.

“I’m..I’m going there for the last time,” Tzuyu confessed.

Another silence came in and this one is deafening. She cannot hear anything from the other line that she thought the elder already left her.

Still she continued. “I just needed this you know,” she paused. “It’s for the best.”

She’s still quite not sure yet who she’s trying to convince anymore, whether Jeongyeon or herself. After a couple more minutes, the elder breathed heavily on the other line.

“You know you can always come over here right? Or we can meet anytime if you want. You can always talk to me. I’ll be here no matter what.”

That swelled the younger’s heart and replied, “I know. I’ll be fine I promise.”

Jeongyeon sighed. “Okay. Just take care alright?”

“I will. You too unnie.”

And then Tzuyu hung up. She stared outside the window as people and cars pass by. Everything seems to be moving and yet here she is, frozen in place. How did she end up here? Is being here even the right thing to do?

She didn’t know anymore. It feels like she’s living but not totally living. It’s like she already lost the will. But maybe this is the change she’s been looking for. This is the patch for her missing piece.

Minutes must have passed when Tzuyu was interrupted in her thoughts and heard her phone rang. Nayeon is calling.

Jeongyeon unnie, she shook her head.

“Tzuyu? Thank God. I thought something happened to you. Where are you right now?”

At least Jeongyeon unnie didn’t rat where she’s headed, she sarcatically thought.

“I can’t tell you unnie,” she simply said.

“Don’t tell me--”

She heard a sharp intake of breathe from the other line.

“No no no. Are you there? I’ll come pick you up right now.”

“Unnie don’t. I’m begging you please don’t,” she pleaded.

“You need to come home right now or I swear I’ll call the police to get you,” Nayeon threatened.

Tzuyu cringed at the word home. She hasn’t felt home for a long time.

“You can’t do that.”

“Tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t,” the elder challenged.

Tzuyu can’t help but think why is she here really, to feel good about herself? She couldn’t deny forever so finally for the first time after two months, Tzuyu admitted the truth.

“I needed closure.”

There’s a pause on the other line for a while.

“Why do you keep hurting yourself Tzuyu-ah?” Nayeon whispered.

Tzuyu shook her head. “I’m not hurting myself if that’s what you’re so concerned about, I’m healing.”

She heard the elder sniff.

“I’m sorry if I made you worry unnie but I need to do this.”

I swear after this, I won’t let anyone cry for me ever again, Tzuyu thought.

* * *

So this is it. Tzuyu took a deep breathe. There’s no going back now. As much as she wants to back out she couldn’t because she knows it’s already about time. It’s been two months already. She can’t just continue living like this forever, she knows she doesn’t want her to.

The tall brunette reached for the door knob and shivered when it felt cold against her touch. She shook her head and soon she’s heading in.

The unusual serenity greets her as she enters the door inside the dorm. She lived here for almost three years and yet the surrounding suddenly felt new to her. She had this unwelcoming feeling about the place she used to call her second home.

The thing is, she never felt that way before, not even the first time they all moved here. It’s like something’s completely off. Like there’s something missing. She’s just not quite sure why. Or so she thought.

She tries to recall the moment they moved here. The very first time she actually felt home years after she left Taiwan to achieve her dreams. She remembers getting so excited to finally get to live with her now new found family. She remembers bringing luggages and boxes back and forth and trying to put things in place.

“Tzuyu-ah!”

Tzuyu her right and almost burst out laughing the moment she saw Momo carrying plushies in her hands.

“Ya, I told you to help me carry this,” the peach pouted.

“Why do you have to bring all of these anyway?” she chuckled and took at least six plushies from Momo. “A barbie seriously?”

She grinned at her and said, “You know I love them.”

Tzuyu just shook her head and help Momo bring her plushies into the couch. A loud thud then echoed the dorm and the two immediately followed the noise. It lead them to a Mina who’s trying to stand a flustered Sana on the floor.

“What happened?” Momo asked.

Mina turned to look at them and suppressed a smile. “You know, just a Sana thing.”

Both erupted into a laughter the moment they saw an empty box with their belongings sprawled on the floor and immediately got the idea.

“O-okay that’s enough just help me stand up,” Sana muttered, obviously flustered.

They all obliged and arranged the mess their clumsy member just made. When finished, Tzuyu went to grab more things on their van but not before she heard Momo asked in a faint distance “Wait what’s a Sana thing?” and then laughed once more.

She found the living room and sat on the floor. She then rested her back at the couch. This is where they loved to hang out most. Other than eating and watching tv shows here, they also like to work out and play games especially Mafia.

Oh how they loved to play Mafia. They basically played it everywhere they go whenever they had the chance, at the dorm, during fanmeetings, during shooting breaks, at different places they went to visit and even overseas.

Living with nine members, you would think it would be chaos but not for the most part. It was fun but there are also times when they would all be too engulfed with individual businesses and forget the others existed. Just what they all needed since sometimes alone time is good for them too.

Now is the time she wished she isn’t alone though. The thick silence is only making her uncomfortable. A part of her wants to completely forget what happened but she knew deep inside she just couldn’t. And as she sat there, she couldn’t help as memories start flashing before her eyes.

“Have you guys seen my phone?”

All eyes immediately flew to Nayeon who happens to barge in the middle of their movie marathon. Worry can be seen in her face.

“Unnie aren’t you just holding it earlier?” Chaeyoung questioned.

“Well I have to use the bathroom so I put it somewhere and now I misplaced it,” the squirtle rambled.

A certain blonde groaned. “Again?”

Nayeon eyed the girl, “You know I’m talking to those who actually care,” then turned her attention to Tzuyu.

The maknae couldn’t help but giggle as she watch the two elder banter like they used to. She shook her head.

“I’ll leave it to Jeongyeon unnie,” she simply shrugged.

“Chou Tzuyu I know you love me and I’m pretty sure I’m irresistable enough so please do me a huge favor and help me find my precious phone pretty please,” Nayeon begged as she did her famous aegyo.

Dahyun fake gagged next to her and the bunny glared playfully at her in return.

“I’ve hit my head pretty hard when I was young and I keep forgetting things but I still remember you bought a lace for your phone last week right Nayeon unnie?” Momo interjected.

“Ya that’s right!! You bought it so you won’t misplace your phone again and look what happened,” Jeongyeon then high fived the peach.

“You’re becoming a grandma unnie,” the dancing machine remarked.

“And I thought you’re on my side Momoring,” Nayeon said disappointed and then pointed her finger accusingly to Jeongyeon, “This is your fault you are such a bad influence to other members.”

“Am not.”

“You are!”

“Am not!”

*rings*

Their banter was interrupted when suddenly a loud ring echoed throughout the dorm.

“Well there’s your phone.”

Everyone’s attention then turned to a Mina who’s holding out her phone.

“What? While y’all are so busy bantering I tried calling Nayeon unnie’s number.”

The squirtle then ran to the penguin and crushed her into a hug.

“Minari you’re the best!”  

*rings*

Tzuyu came back to her senses when she felt her phone vibrate on her pocket. Her hand reached for it and looked at the screen.

Jaljari Oppa calling...

She didn’t hesitate to answer the call immediately.

“Oppa…”

She heard a sigh of relief on the other line before he spoke. 

“Did you already sort everything out?”

“No…but I’ll be done soon,” she reassured.

If there’s one person who knew about her trip to their old dorm, it was their former manager. He believed she needed to get this done once and for all.

Another sigh.

“Are you okay?”

That caught her off guard. Is she?

Tzuyu thought for a moment but simply uttered, “I’m fine.”

There's a pause as if he’s weighing her answer before her manager muttered something again.

“If its hard for you, you can go back. It’s okay if you’re not yet ready Tzuyu. Something might trigger you and it’s not safe if you had a mental breakdown especially when you’re alone and-”

“No, no mental breakdowns,” she cut him off while shaking her head.

Well, not yet. But she couldn’t say that to him. She made him worry enough.

Tzuyu heard him took a deep breathe. “Okay just take care kid.”

“Thank you oppa.”

She was about to hang up but then Jaljari spoke again.

“And Tzuyu?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell her goodbye for me, for the last time.”

“I will.”

Suddenly, she felt dry.

She then decided to head towards the kitchen, grab a glass, pour some water and sat at the counter.

She take a look at her surroundings as she gulped her drink. And then a soft smile made it’s way to her lips as another memory came flooding in.

“Ya I told you I should be the one doing that!”

Tzuyu watched in amusement as her unnies get into a fight. Don’t get her wrong, their fights are mostly not serious anyway so no need to worry. She just wondered where did they get the energy this morning.

They woke up early just to prepare something for Dahyun because she’ll going to take an important exam today and surprise her when she wakes up. Other members went to go grocery shopping and here she’s left with Nayeon and Sana’s bickering.

“Chou Tzuyu help me!”

“NO Tzuyu you help me and not this grandma here.”

“Who are you calling grandma you clumsy squirrel?”

Uh oh looks like she needs to get out of here before everything gets nasty. But just then she heard the front door open and soon other members came in, saving her from the wrath that’s about to happen.

“Ya, why are you both slandering Tzuyu? And can you keep your mouths shut, at this rate y’all are gonna wake up the whole neighborhood or even worse wake Dahyun up!”

Jeongyeon then grabbed the spatula Nayeon and Sana’s been fighting for almost an hour.

“Sugoi Jeongyeon unnie!” she gave her a thumbs up.

“What are you smiling Yoda, come here and help!”

Her smile immediately vanished as soon as she realized she’s taking so much of her time. The longer she stays here, the more it’s getting harder for her to finish what she came here in the first place.

Tzuyu then gathered herself and stood up. Now she’s only left with the rooms to stroll. She entered Jeongyeon and Momo’s room first. Compared to the last time she entered the same room, it looks so empty now.

Momo’s plushies are no longer there. Even Jeongyeon’s logo collection are no longer be seen. Only invaluable things are left. Nothing for her to take.

She headed next to the room she used to share with Dahyun and Chaeyoung. The School Meal Club. The Maknae Line. That’s what people would call them. They were the youngest of the group hence the must-be-protected-at-all-costs.

And maybe that’s the problem, the older members, the managers, their fans or basically just everyone felt the need to protect them all of the time, the need to give all the attention to them that everyone didn’t notice there are other members who might need the protection the most. She’s so disappointed that even she herself didn’t notice.

The first thing Tzuyu saw when she opened the door to their old room is a stranger staring at her at the mirror. She slowly dragged her feet forward and looked closely at the reflection in front of her. It took a while for her to realize it was her own.

It’s been a while since she last seen herself and she doesn’t need to be told twice that she looked different now. The events these past two months aged her. It seems to be a short time but for her it feels like a lifetime.

She scanned her face one more and stopped on her eyes. They are sad. They look dead inside. The visual everyone’s envious for is no longer there. It’s all gone now, even the person everyone thought she was back then. Not after what happened. Not after her.

Suddenly it hurts just seeing her own reflection and so she tore her gaze away. Her eyes then landed on Chaeyoung and Dahyun’s bunk bed. Chaeyoung’s drawings are still there, alongside with the doodles the baby beast vandalized on their wall. Dahyun’s side is pretty neat considering she made sure she left nothing behind. Across from it is the bed that used to be hers.

She made her way towards it and carefully laid down on her back.

Tzuyu couldn’t sleep. She feel exhausted and yet she couldn’t bring herself to drift off to sleep. She shifted her position hoping it would help but no such luck. Something’s bothering her.

“Are you guys awake?” her voice floated in the air.

A moment has passed until she heard something shift at the top bunk.

“Tzuyu?”

“Yeah”

“Why are you still awake?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” the maknae shrugged even though no one can see her.

“Did I wake you up?” she added, worried that she disturbed the small girl’s rest.

Chaeyoung chuckled. “No, I was just about to go to sleep and besides you know how much of a heavy sleeper I am. The whole dorm could be on fire and I’d still be sleeping.”

That put a smile on the bothered girl. “You’re right. I should have known better."

“So what is it?” she paused then continued, “What’s bothering you?”

Tzuyu opened as if to say something but nothing came. What is bothering her? It could have been the amount of stress she’s been getting from work or the lack of rest or maybe she’s getting homesick again. But it’s different this time so she blurted out one question that’s been haunting her for a while now.

“Have you ever been in love?”

A heavy silence came afterwards that she thought her friend already drifted off to sleep.  

But a few seconds later, the smol bean responded, “Why did you ask?”

The tall girl let the question hang in the air.

“Wait have you?” the short-haired girl asked her back but she remained quiet..

“I have,” another voice chimed in.

“Didn’t know you’re awake,” Chaeyoung said with a hint of sarcasm.

“I’ve been quietly listening to you two,” the resident eagle retorted. “I thought about it and then I realized I have been.”

“Oh yeah, with whom?”

“With all of you.”

Chaeyoung groaned. “Ya, we’re serious here.”

“Who said I’m not?” Dubu defended. “It’s just that we’ve been through so much together and yet we fought harder and stayed strong. If that isn’t true love then I don’t know what is.”

“That’s different unnie you’re missing the point here,” the small girl dismissed her.

“You’re hurting me Chaeyoungie. I just confessed my feelings here, why are you being mean to me?” Dahyun dramatically said.  

“Okay that’s enough you two. I think we should go to sleep now,” the youngest interjected.

“You’re not gonna defend me Tzuyu-ah?” the eagle turned to her.

“Wait I’m still waiting for your answer Yoda,” Chaeyoung said.

She just shrugged at the both of them.

“Heol, did I just got rejected twice?” Dahyun muttered. "See what I did there?"

“Did you seriously have to make a pun?” the smallest facepalmed.

Tzuyu shook her head. “Good night Chaeng, good night leader.”

She closed her eyes and soon her roommates’ voices became inaudible as she slowly drift off to sleep but not before she realized she never really got the chance to answer the question. 

She touched the mattress and felt how she used to love it’s softness whenever they come home late from work and she’s so tired that she would immediately go inside their room and slump back on her bed.

Those were the times she kind of regretted being an idol. As much as she loves performing on stage and hearing their fans cheering her name, she sometimes get tired of it too. Especially when she felt like they aren’t allowed to rest anymore.

If it’s painful for her then it must be a hundred times unbearable for her, Tzuyu thought. That’s when a lump started forming in . She clenched her fist and stood up. Sometimes she hates herself for being too sensitive. Why is that the mere thought of her always left her on the verge of breaking down?

She left the room and headed to the place she dreaded to be in right now. She can feel her footsteps getting heavier as she gets closer. She’s sure her palms are starting to bleed now from the tightness of her nails digging her flesh.

The lump in is getting bigger and she kept swallowing back. Just a few more steps now and there stood the gateway to both of her happiest and saddest memories. Is she ready?

Tzuyu thought if this isn’t the right time then when is? She’s so tired of being a coward. She needs to stop living in denial. This is the closure she needed.

She stopped on her tracks and faced the all too familiar door. She took a deep breathe and closed her eyes. Her hands are terribly shaking now.

“Get a grip Tzuyu, it’s now or never”, the voice says inside her head.

“I can’t do it.”

“Yes you can, you are stronger now. After this, you’re finally free.”    

And that’s when she finally stepped in.

Even with the dim light coming only at the cracks of the curtain, she saw it. Her eyes first found her bed. She couldn’t take it anymore as she broke down right there. It’s like everything in her came crashing down just like that. She didn’t know how she did it but the next thing she know, she’s already lying on the soft mattress as tears started streaming down her face.

I miss you. I miss you so much.  

This is the last place she’s been to. The last place she went into.

Tzuyu blames herself for everything that happened. If only she saw through her cracks. How could she not saw that coming? She should have been more observant. She could have prevented it from happening.

She should have paid a lot more attention. She should have helped carry the weight on her shoulders if it’s too much for her. She should have stayed by her side.

She constantly reminds herself this is some kind of a twisted dream. That she would wake up and then everything’s gonna be okay. She would wake up from this nightmare and she would be there comforting her saying it’s okay, she’s there for her. But the world doesn’t work that way.

It’s been two months. It’s still fresh. Everything that happened two months ago was still as clear as crystal in her memory. How could she forget? It was exactly two months ago when her heart died.

It’s been two months since she lost the love of her life.

It’s been two months since Jihyo, their most precious and hardworking leader, took her own life.

A/N: It’s been so long since I wrote the first draft of this story and I never got the chance to finish the story after. And then the tragic incident about Jonghyun happened and I thought I need to post this fic to let people be aware. Idols are humans too, they get tired and bashful words can tear them as well. That idols have feelings too. We need to appreciate every idol’s efforts and hard work more. Stop the fanwars. Let’s all be nice and kind to each other. Let’s all be there for each other. Spread love okay? And if you’re still reading this right now, I want you to know that I care and you’re loved. Have a nice day!

P.S. I’m not sure if I have the courage to write a sequel or prequel to this but let me know if you still want to know more about happened. Let’s see if my fragile heart can still take it.