I skidded roughly down the  groomed course slope and on the last dip and curve, I lost my balance and came crashing down. Sprawled on the snow covered slopes, I looked up to the sky and let out a deep agonizing sigh. It hurts, something inside me hurts.

I’m back on the snow. Back in my element. But I just cannot focus, I cannot put my heart and soul in what I am supposed to do best. Snowboarding. I was out for one season because of a sprain and wrist injury but now that I am back, I can’t seem to do anything right.

“Baek..” I called out on my lowest undetectable voice. He can’t definitely hear me. I am all alone up here in the mountain and I cannot do anything for myself, let alone do anything for him, to make him mine. I am so useless.

I closed my eyes and started to find a breathing rhythm to calm me down.

“Yes Chanyeol! We are dating! Sehun and I are now together! I am the luckiest guy alive now Chan!”

I can still remember how Baekhyun said it gleefully. He didn’t even notice the shock and disappointment in my face. He just threw the news like it is something that we can rejoice together. But I hated it. I hated the fact that my bestfriend, the one that I love is already taken by another man. When was that, one season ago. And my career went down hill since that day.  

I know I am not the best in the business but I was getting there. I was reaching for it, I already had silvers, and was aiming for gold. Then suddenly, Baekhyun was snatched by some punk from the figure skating team, just right under my nose. Oh Sehun. But I can’t just make myself hate Baekhyun for being with Sehun. It made him happy. And his happiness is my happiness.

Everything is just a mess, isn’t it? So even when my sprained ankle and fractured wrist is already healed, something still hurts inside me. My heart.

“You need help? Should I call the medics now?” I opened my eyes and there’s Jongdae hovering around my face with the silliest grin. I didn’t notice him sliding towards where I am pitifully sprawled. “Shut up Jongdae.” I grumbled. I tried to sit up. “You’re a mess you know?” Jongdae is really brutal with words, especially when it comes to me.

“Can you just stop stating the obvious. I am doing my best here to be on my best shape.” I grumbled some more. “Doing your best? Like what? Having your moment up here?” But the funny thing about Jongdae is he cannot seem to take off that silly grin on his face. We are talking about how pathetic I am and he is still smiling like a chesire cat.

I just rolled my eyes and started removing my boots from the bindings. I stood up and leaned on my board. “Rumors sure travel fast from Gangneung Ice Arena up here to Yongpyong Resort. Have you heard it already Chanyeol?” Jongdae is still sitting comfortably on the snow with his arms spread wide as he lean for support. “Huh?” My brows suddenly creased as soon as my ears filtered Gangneung Ice Arena. That is where Baekhyun is right now.

“Our team’s star figure skater might not gonna be able to compete for the Winter Olympics.”

“What happened to Baekhyun?” I immediately asked.

“I haven’t dropped a name yet.”

“ Jongdae, quit playing around. I will check Baekhyun myself. I need to go.” I didn’t wait for his reply anymore. What happened to Baekhyun this time? I badly need to see Baekhyun. I started walking away from Jongdae.

“Hey you giant , come help me here. He’s not injured. Baekhyun is fine.”Jongdae yelled. His voice is annoying but hearing from him that Baekhyun is fine, I had to look back and trudged my way back to my doofus friend. “Your bff is fine. You’re unbelievable, planning to crash your way to the ice arena without knowing the whole story?” Jongdae is still blabbering nonsense as he removed his boots from the bindings of his snowboard.

“Can you just cut it out and tell me what exactly is the rumor about Baekhyun!” I raised my voice and also headbutted him with my helmet as I yanked him up from the snow. “Yaaah Chanyeol! I will really tell Coach Minseok that you are being a meanie to me!” he yelled back.  And yes, this is Jongdae, this is a snowboarding gold medalist off cam, a certified jerkwad.

I sighed again. A very long one. I give up. Why am I even stuck with Jongdae. And he has that annoying smile on his face again. “ Spill it.” I tried to say it calmly. Jongdae nodded. “Baekhyun’s short and long program are a mess. He cannot seem to nail everything. And the coach of the men’s single discipline is already thinking of making Baekhyun take a rest for this season.”

I have a gut feeling that I know the source of the problem. Jongdae and I started to walk towards the nearest lift. “Everyone has that moment you know. You feel like you’re stuck in a rut.” I tried to feign my worries by letting that statement out. Jongdae just shrugged his shoulders. “Or maybe because there is also another rumor that Baekhyun and Sehun are no longer together.”

“What? Say that again!” the second rumor took me by surprise. “Yep. Sehun and Baekhyun are rumored to have broken up. Because of a new comer, Kim Jongin. It is obvious since the start of Pyeongchang, they are always seen together. Baekhyun seems to be out of the picture now. Korean team has a new love team on ice.”

“Are you serious? Are you trying to say that Sehun cheated on Baekhyun? Are you seriously saying that Baekhyun can’t get his act together because they broke up?!”

“Are you also serious that you don’t have any idea that this is happening to your bestfriend?! Do you seriously live here in Korea? Are you seriously part of the south Korean team? Why are you so ing shocked?!” Chen yelled at me again. And this time, he headbutted me with his helmet. The is wrong with this guy?

I no longer aswered. Because he’s brutally right. I didn’t even know that a lot of things are happening to Baekhyun all at the same time. Kim Jongin? Who the , I don’t even know and care. Oh Sehun, that  guy really deserves a broken nose, but of course I can’t break his nose. Baekhyun loves him.

Jongdae is still on my trail, happily greeting fans and snowboarding enthusiasts that’s littering the slopes. “I’m gonna go visit Baekhyun.” I looked back at Jongdae who’s still greeting everyone with his silly grin. And it wiped off the grin from his face when he heard me. “Minseok will kill you! You need to be out here, practicing with me Chanyeol!” he said.

“Who says, he’s gonna kill me. He’s gonna kill both of us! You’re coming with me.” I dragged him to the nearest lift. Jongdae is about to protest and give out his signature annoying ‘Awaaeee’ but the Pyeongchang mascot, Soohorang was there, he greeted me and Jongdae, he even handed each of us a doll. I got the Soohorang doll and Jongdae got the Bandabi one. His grin came back. Stupid Jongdae.

~~~~~~~~~

We’re childhood bestfriends. Inseperable since diaper years. Baekhyun was the small timid, delicate one. I was the oddly tall rowdy one. The one who loves to fall flat on my face in the snow. I love snowboarding as much as I love my bestfriend Baekhyun. I lived and breathed snowboarding, and Baekhyun was with me since the first day I got on my snowboard. I breathed his warmth and his friendship. We were inseperable. And I was honestly happy back then. I have my snowboard, I have Baekhyun, my little midget Everytime winter came, we had the bestest time of our lives. Who needs the world when I got my very own midget and winter.

But of course, nothing stays the same forever. Maybe it was a mistake to skip snowboarding practice that one day when we were eleven years old and hang out in a local ice skating rink. Because that is where he met the balance freak Zhang Yixing, who’s a champion figure skater that time. Yixing is the first man who took Baekhyun away from me. He influenced Baekhyun to be a figure skater. Baekhyun decided to try figure skating, and man, I didn’t expect that he will bloom into a gracious elegant gold medalist figure skater.

Yixing took him under his wings and Baekhyun’s crush on him just grew and grew. I am no longer the best friend that he loves to cling to. I was reduced to a mere president of his fan club. He never went with me to practice snowboarding. He never paid time to watch me do crazy stunts on the slopes anymore. For so many years, It’s me who stayed by the bleachers watching him spread himself and become a fine and beautiful butterfly on ice.

I am the only who was left desperately clinging to our friendship. At first, it felt so unfair to know that my bestfriend is growing up and falling inlove with someone other than me. Damn that Yixing guy.  I felt betrayed and left out. But then I realized that I actually grew earlier than him because it was me who fell in love first. I fell in love with Baekhyun with out even realizing it.

I kept everything to myself. Maybe it is best to just hide this aching feeling of love to Baekhyun, than lose him entirely. Ever since, I am already pathetic.

“Why are we shopping for beers and chips?” I asked Baekhyun while I pushed the grocery cart down the alcohol isle. He just put in a dozen cans of beer on the cart. “I will tell you later.” He answered happily. Maybe something came up, maybe we’re going to celebrate something about us. My teenage heart won’t calm down. I shared the happiness and enthusiasm with him.

We’re in my bedroom. I was strumming my guitar and singing to him some songs that we know. He would sometimes join me. Sometimes I would stop singing so I can listen to his beautiful voice. It was starting to become a wonderful midnight. We almost drank  all the beers that night. And we we’re just talking about our childhood. It was a happy conversation. I would surely trade a week’s worth of training just to have a well spent night like this with Baekhyun. I miss having him around like this. “Chanyeol let’s drink this last can together, just like a toast.” He said with eyes twinkling at me. “What are we really drinking for? Are we celebrating something Baek?” I asked. But my heart is beating fast. “Yeah. We are celebrating something.”

“What?”

“To our dreams Chanyeol. Our dreams.” Baekhyun said, he subtly raised the can and drank half of it. He passed the can to me and I finished it. I looked back at him, he’s lovingly staring at me. “Finally Chanyeol.” I do not know what he’s talking about but just looking at him, sitting with his legs crossed on the floor, just in front of me makes my head whirl with love and longing. I really love Baekhyun.

Baekhyun cleared his throat. “My trainer Kyungsoo signed me up for an extensive training in Canada, I will spend the next season there training. Everything is just happening according to plan. I have won some major figure skating competition and ISU Championships. It is high time to get into training to prepare for the next winter olympics.

The blow is horrendous, just terrible. It felt like he sliced my heart with the blades of his skates. He’s celebrating because he’s leaving. Leaving me! “No!” I didn’t even realized that I raised my voice. He looked surprised with my sudden outburst. “Chan?”  he asked all worried. “So we are celebrating your departure?! no Baekhyun!” I stood up, glared at him. He didn’t expect my reaction.

“But it has been set. My parents and I agreed. Do Kyungsoo will be there. He will be my trainer and I will train together with top of the class skaters around the globe!” he tried to convince me. “Zhang Yixing..” I whispered under my breath. “You’re doing this because of Zhang Yixing, aren’t you?” I asked angrily.

“Chan, what are you even saying. Yixing will compete for the Olympics. He’s not even gonna be there in Canada. And why are you so mad at him?” Baekhyun’s voice is already a pitch higher. I can sense he’s starting to get mad at me.

“Because.. Because..” my tongue did not cooperate with me that moment. I so wanted to tell him I love him.

Baekhyun started to pick up the cans and put it away. I looked at him helplessly. “I will leave the day after tomorrow.” He said, trace of annoyance laced his voice. “Why so soon? Why did you tell it to me just now? Why are you so unfair?” I tried to match his annoyed tone but I failed. I sound totally wrecked and miserable.

“Why are you making this hard Chan? Of all people who will support me, I thought that it is you who can understand me the most! You are also going places! You already won in the Burton Global Open Series, got a silver at X-trail Jam! You also need to train. Don’t tell me you and your trainer haven’t discussed that?” Baekhyun is definitely angry. But I towered above him and tried to make up with my failed answer by glaring at him. “Yeah we did, but I am not leaving. We never talked about leaving, because you know what? I was thinking about you! I never thought of leaving you. Never even crossed my mind to leave you. And here you are leaving me behind!” I still sounded miserable.

But I guess what I have said to Baekhyun had some sort of effect. His gesture softened. He let out a sigh and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Chanyeol, you are acting like a baby.” I didn’t answer him. I know I am acting like an but I don’t want him to go. I want to be with him.

“This is our dream Chanyeol. Don’t you remember?” he said gently.

“But this is not my dream. This is not my dream anymore.” I answered desperately.

“Then what is your dream?” he asked looking confused.

I gave him the answer by taking him in my arms and kissing him. I crashed my lips on him. So desperate, so hopeless. I claimed his lips and marked it as mine. With my tongue searching entrance, I tried to convey to him how much I needed him beside me. It melted my heart when I felt him answer to my kiss. Slow and shy flick of his tongue, but he responded. I just wanted to cry and hold him forever. Because I know that moment, he’s mine. I own my bestfriend.

~~~~~~~~~

I still have half of my gear on. I looked like a tall odd bean sprout in the midst of warmly dressed people, fortunately for Jongdae, he is short, so he is less conspicuous. And he just bows politely to anyone who looks his way. No wonder he’s the rep of the snowboarding team. Jongdae tugged on my sleeve. “Let’s just stay on the bleachers first. Looks like the korean team is doing warm up together with the japanese team.” He said. I led the way up to the bleachers, trying to get less attention. My haven’t landed on the seat just yet and Jongdae is already pointing at the rink. “Woahh cool! See that Hanyu Yuzuru guy from the japanese team! He’s amazing!” he cried excitedly.

But instead of looking for Yuzu, I immediately scan the entire rink for Baekhyun. And I easily found him. My midget. My butterfly.

But Jongdae is right, he seemed like a butterfly with broken wings. He tried to execute a triple axel and he fell on the ice. He skated, tried to gain speed and momentum, tried the triple axel again but it was an under-rotated jump. Somehow, it pains me to see Baekhyun like this. The fight haven’t started yet but he already looks defeated. He has that vibe. Baekhyun just skated and skated. But never tried to gain speed anymore. He’s just skating aimlessly around the ice rink.

I saw his trainer Do Kyungsoo on my peripheral view. He raised his hand to call Baekhyun. Baekhyun skated towards him. I saw Kyungsoo whisper something and Baekhyun nodded and exited out of the rink. My heart fell just seeing him like that. I sighed for the umpteenth time. “I will just go have a talk with Baekhyun. Don’t wait for me anymore. Just go back if you get dead bored okay?” Jongdae lifted his face up to look at me and gave me a thumbs up. “Yeah, and while you do that, I will watch the new love birds of the Korean team here.” His grin is really annoying as hell.  I snorted. Love birds my . As I made my way down the bleachers, I threw a glance once more on the rink and there’s Sehun, happily making a toe loop jump synchronized with a relatively tall guy, that must be Jongin.

Good thing I wore my athlete ID so I was able to go the arena locker room. But before I entered Baekhyun’s locker room, I saw them behind the glass wall. Kyungsoo is giving him word. A whole lot of words actually. Kyungsoo had that murderous glare towards my Baek. I honestly want to go inside save my friend. But Baekhyun has that look, like he doesn’t even give an ounce of . It is definitely something that makes me worry. He’s never been like this. Why didn’t I notice this. I really am useless.

Kyungsoo went out of the door. It looks like he’s half expecting me there. “I am really at the verge of strangling you best friend. I am telling you Chanyeol. You might have a dead friend before the olympic season ends.” He said angrily. I pursed my lips. I don’t know what to say. The guy is scary and if I say the wrong thing, he might skin me alive with a skate blade.

“Kids these days. They fall in love, the world is beautiful, they get hurt and now they want to just rot and die.” He let out an angry sigh.  I just nodded. “Don’t just nod at me you idiot. You think I don’t know?” he blared. I honestly wanna cower away but what is this small angry guy talking about? Does he know something?

“You and Baekhyun will really make a great tandem you know. A clumsy noodle and  a dense guy.” He said as he rolled his eyes. “What do you mean?” I still tried to feign innocense but I already have an inkling on what he’s talking about. “I so wanna kick you in the face right now Chanyeol. You love Baekhyun. It is so damn obvious!” he deadpanned.  I just stood there eyes slowly blinking at him. This guy is not just scary, he’s also nosy.

“I have been with Baekhyun, training him for a long time now. And you’re always there. I think you even know almost all the routine and the program that he practices. You are always there Chanyeol.  You’re always cheering for him. Like a ing supportive boyfriend. ” He said, his voice getting a little less venomous.

“Because we are childhood bestfriends.” I answered

“Screw you Chanyeol. Don’t give me that . It is obvious that you love him. You think no one sees you. But I can see it in your eyes as your gaze trail behind Baekhyun. Everytime you watch him perform on the ice, I can see it in you, everytime that you are with him, I can see it. I can even hear your heartbeat going crazy when you’re close to him. I can even smell a hint of impulse to touch him everytime you have that chance of being alone with him in the locker.” He mercilessly continued. And I am already turning beetroot red.

“! I am not a maniac!”

“Says you.” Do Kyungsoo counter attacked.

“So you’re snooping around whenever I am with Baekhyun?” Running out of things to say, I found myself asking that to Baekhyun’s trainer. “Duh! I am always around because I am his trainer.” I cannot handle his trainer anymore. He’s savage.

I tried to change the topic. “I will talk to him.”

“You’re not allowed.” Kyungsoo gave me a stern face. “And why is that?” Kyungsoo is the type of person that I really want to bury half way down the floor with one headbutt, but I am scared to do it because he might run after me and try to murder me on the spot with any kind of thing he can put his hand on as a weapon. But I still pushed my luck. “I will talk to him and try to put some sense back in him.”

“I am asking him to reflect on his self. On his attitude towards the competition. He needs to find his purpose again.” Kyungsoo dragged me away from Baekhyun’s locker room. “He seriously need to cut this about being down because he and Sehun are-“

“So it’s true that he and Sehun broke up.” I cut him off. It is better to know the official statement. Kyungsoo just gave me a straight face and continued dragging me away. “I might be asking for too much. And you might be the wrong guy for the situation. But I am betting on the fact that you love him. He needs someone to love him Chanyeol.” I stopped dead on track. Kyungsoo just looked back at me. “Figure skating is a hard sport. It is cold out there. Baekhyun is the type that needs warmth. He needs you Chanyeol, stop being a stupid giant and take him. Be with him, like ing seriously be his boyfriend. His career is at stake.” Kyungsoo said.

“Easier said than done Kyungsoo. It is not that easy.”

“Why? Are you afraid? I guess you haven’t even tried telling him that you have a ing crush on him.”

I gritted my teeth.  It is true. And I hate it when people say it to my face. They just do not know where I am coming from. “You are also not at your very best condition right now. The whole Korean Team knows that you’re trying to get back on track after your injury. Think about it Chanyeol. Baekhyun needs you as much as you need him. You need each other to win your game.” I looked at Kyungsoo again.

He sighed. It looks like he’s had enough of me. “Look, erase what I’ve said. You don’t need to think. What you need is to feel it in you. I am speaking not just a trainer, but as a person that knows both of you. You are Baekhyun’s bestfriend. And you love him. You know it deep inside what you and Baekhyun needs the most. You need each other. Don’t let him look for love and support in the  wrong direction when you are just right beside him all this time.” And with that, Kyungsoo made his not so graceful exit. More like angry exit as he waddled away angrily.       

And I was left there waiting for all what Kyungsoo said to sink in my head. Do not let Baekhyun look for love in the wrong direction when I am just right beside him.

But where do I start? Maybe it is already too late.

~~~~~~~~~

I waited patiently. For one whole year, I waited. While I pour my strength and energy in snowboarding, I patiently waited for Baekhyun. Because he left me for his training in Canada. He friggin did that. I wanna hate him and wack him with my snowboard but I really love him, my little cupcake, my butterfly. I’m so cheesy I wanna wack myself with my own snowboard too. But I really do love him and I miss him so much every single day, I think I already lost ten years of my life span because of always being miserable.

After that passionate kiss. Our first kiss, I thought it will make Baekhyun realize that leaving is not worth it. But I was wrong. He’s determined to be the best. At some point, I thought, that is the right thing to do. We really need to focus in getting better with our craft. But I felt so alone. Skype and Line are not helping because we are always busy.

I honestly thought that the kiss that we shared will bind us much stronger, but as each day passes by, I felt Baekhyun being dragged farther and farther away from me. It’s scary. But I still held on. There are days that I will mope around and refuse to practice because i wanted to drown myself in misery by thinking that Baekhyun kissed me that night only because he’s dead drunk. He really doesn’t feel any love towards me. I really don’t know. I do not know anymore. All I know is I love Baekhyun.

Finally that one year torture came to an end. He flew back to Korea and I was the first person that welcomed him home. Walking hand in hand in the streets of Myeong-dong, we decided to eat out together, just the two of us. Everything was starting to shape up back to how it used to be.

“How are you? Do you now have a girlfriend? Or boyfriend maybe?” Baekhyun asked. “Let’s talk about you Baek? How are you? How’s Canada?” I was so happy to know everything that happened to him in Canada, and guess what the midget said. “I now have a boyfriend Chan! Isn’t it amazing!” I struggled not to look annoyed. What is even amazing about the love of my life having a boyfriend that is not me? “Who is it?” I seriously asked

“His name is Oh Sehun. He’s from Canada.”

“Good. If he’s from Canada, he better stay there.” I replied without even hiding my annoyance anymore. “Chanyeol, he will also fly here in Korea because h