It’s all a haze for Kihyun.

He remembers his name being called, going up on the pedestal to stand next to Jooheon, the confetti bursting out all around them. He doesn’t remember much after that, though. Not how he got off the stage, the ride back to the dorm, or coming to sit with everyone on the living room floor now.

The others sit around them, each cupping mugs of tea or bottles of beer. Their eyes are trained on the floor, as if it’s too much work to look up. He notices Changkyun isn’t in the room, the faint sound of the shower running filling the air. He’s about 99% sure the rapper isn’t taking a shower, though. He often pretends to shower when he just needs to be alone to cry.

“We ought to go to bed,” Hyunwoo suddenly pipes up, his voice subdued. Kihyun glances at the downtrodden face of each of the other trainees.

No, members. We’re all members from now on. Members of the same group. The same group that’s set to debut…

The faces of each of their fellow trainees doomed to remain in that awful purgatory between the life of an idol and a citizen flash before the vocalist’s eyes then, and before he knows it he’s standing to leave the room. He escapes to a bedroom, any bedroom. It doesn’t really matter, as they’ve all switched beds accidentally on multiple occasions. He changes into a spare sleep shirt and shorts the he finds on a top bunk and slides into the bunk beneath it. The clothes feel a bit too big, so they’re likely Hyungwon’s or Minhyuk’s, but it doesn’t matter. He knows neither will mind.

He doesn’t look when he hears footsteps enter the bedroom. He already knows he’s in a bed that’s not his, as he sleeps on a top bunk, but he’s too exhausted to go up to the top tonight. Guilt and fatigue drag down his very breath as it moves from the air to his lungs.

He hears a long sigh behind it, and the shifting of clothes before someone crawls in beside him. A pair of pudgy arms wrap around his waist, and he feels the top of a snapback pressing into the middle of his back.

“For the first time since I was asked to join No.Mercy,” Jooheon’s voice mumbles, barely audible, “I’m wondering if I really deserve all this. I just betrayed my best friend tonight, not to mention all the others that have left before him… Should I really be rewarded, hyung? Should it be me?”

Kihyun feels tears prick at his eyes once more, similar to how they had earlier that night when he’d been chosen for debut. He turns on his other side, cradling the younger in his arms after pulling the cap off his black hair. He tosses the hat to the side and brushes Jooheon’s askew hair back in place.

“You’ve worked hard, Jooheonney,” Kihyun assures the younger easily. “You deserve to debut. You’ve earned your place here.” Jooheon doesn’t say anything, he just snuggles closer to Kihyun in silent thanks.

The two fall asleep like that, in each other’s arms, both craving comfort and reprieve from the guilt they doubt will ever leave them.

 

The next morning, Kihyun awakens with an awful crick in his neck. Judging by the light in the room, he’s woken up a bit earlier than usual. He stifles a sigh and turns on his other side, wanting to go back to sleep as soon as possible. The company’s given them a couple of free days to their wounds and come to terms with the fact that they actually will be debuting, so Kihyun has made it his mission to take advantage of the uncharacteristic show of mercy.

However, as he turns, he feels a pair of arms holding him in place. He glances down and sees Jooheon’s arms are the ones clamped around him. It’s a surprisingly strong grip, considering who it is. He wouldn’t be as surprised if this were Hyunwoo or Hoseok, but Jooheon—and a sleeping Jooheon at that?

Jooheon’s plump lips contort into a small pout, and he grumbles something about food before settling back down atop Kihyun’s chest. Kihyun sighs, brushing Jooheon’s short bangs off his forehead before shifting to climb over the younger and into the kitchen. If Jooheon is already talking about food, then it’s only a matter of time before he fully awakens and begins to consciously grumble about sustenance.

He manages the maneuver with only a little trouble and pads his way to the kitchen on bare feet, releasing a shaking breath as he rubs the back of his neck. He’d slept in a position he isn’t used to due to having to share a bed. He can’t complain, though, as the bed isn’t technically even his to begin with.

Kihyun peeks into the living room, where Changkyun had slept the night before. The youngest, their new maknae, seems to still be asleep. Though, he isn’t quite sure, as he isn’t as accustomed to discerning the telltale signs of consciousness as he is with the others. He chews on his cheek as he continues on his mission to the kitchen, meek bitterness still eating at his heart.

He knows he and the others had treated Changkyun poorly when he’d first joined them, but he’s really been making an effort to correct the error since… despite still not being entirely sure if the rapper had been promised debut before getting onto No.Mercy or not. Jooheon had assured him that the company didn’t give the younger any kind of promise, and the news had even been broadcast as part of their touching heart-to-heart on the show itself.

Still, Kihyun can’t help but be suspicious.

Doesn’t matter now, anyway, Kihyun tells himself as he enters the kitchen. He meanders over to the fridge, opening it with a long sigh. Whether he was promised debut or not, he’s got it. We’ve all got it. Now, we just need to learn how to be idols… together.

“… Kihyun-ssi?”

Kihyun starts, whirling about at the subdued voice of the maknae in question. Changkyun rubs at his eyes, his hood pulled over his hair, making his acne scars barely visible.

“Is anyone else up?” Changkyun asks. Kihyun shakes his head, and Changkyun nods himself before turning to shuffle off, probably to the bathroom.

“You know,” Kihyun says, keeping his voice low so as to keep from disturbing the others, “you can start calling me ‘hyung’… We’ll all have to start getting used to each other now.” Changkyun doesn’t turn around, but Kihyun sees clearly the way his tense shoulders drop.

“Okay… hyung,” the rapper says, and then he hurries from the conversation. Kihyun glances down, feeling defeated. He knows he’s done the right thing, as Changkyun needs to start feeling much more comfortable around himself and the others as soon as possible, but it’s still too soon. The loss of all his friends is still too fresh. And, even though he knows it’s wrong, he can’t help but somehow blame Changkyun for all of it…

But, Jooheon’s been on him about doing just this, and he knows this is what needs to happen…

Kihyun shakes his head at himself as he returns his gaze to the fridge, coming up with a haphazard menu for their breakfast.

 

Unbeknownst to him, Jooheon is standing just around the corner. A fond smile pulls at his lips, gazing in the direction of the vocalist. He’d been trying to get Kihyun to start trying to get over his hurt feelings regarding Changkyun as soon as possible. After all, when the lead vocalist accepts the maknae, then his same-age friend will begin doing the same, and the others will have no choice but to follow the mood-maker’s lead.

Jooheon chuckles under his breath, shoving his hands into his hoodie pockets as he shuffles to the living room to lie on the bottom bunk until Kihyun finishes cooking. He’d help, but he’s absolutely hopeless in the kitchen, so he’ll just help out with the cleanup after to thank the older.

As he relaxes, he can’t help the small, painful intake of breath that escapes him. He shuts his eyes against the morning light, pouting.

Though, for some reason, he can’t bring himself to blame Kihyun for his pain, despite it being the older’s laziness that had driven them to sharing a bed the night before in the first place. The rapper sighs, shaking his head at how soft he is when it comes to that prideful hyung of his…