unloved.

If someone is going to ask Joshua Hong how it’s like to be betrayed by the two people you trust most in this world, he’s going to answer it’s like seeing his boyfriend, Seungcheol, on top of his bestfriend, Jeonghan, biting the latter’s neck in his bed.

He means to surprise Seungcheol but it seems like the universe meant the joke for him.

Confused. Hurt. Betrayed. Those are just understatements of the whirlpool Joshua is feeling then, as Seungcheol moves to run after him, Jeonghan crying on the bed, and there’s him, running for his life because he can’t talk to Seungcheol right now. He can’t talk to Jeonghan right now. Because he’ll either kill them (or attempt to, anyway) or outright forgive them, and he knows he can’t do either.

He doesn’t know how far he went. He doesn’t even remember if he used taxi, if he just walked with no direction in mind, or he just wished for everything he recognizes to vanish and it did, magically, because he finds himself on an empty playground at two in the morning, sitting on a broken swing, with no more tears.

Joshua doesn’t remember how much he’s cried but when he finally feels the coldness of the metal he is sitting at, it comes to him that he’s been gone for four hours. He has no phone, probably left it on the living room on top of his luggage. He wanted his arms and hands free of anything because he missed hugging Seungcheol. He wanted to hug him with all of him. He only has some money on his pocket and he doesn’t even know where he is. He doesn’t know how much it’ll cost to go back.

Or if he even wants to go back.

His eyes glisten as he thinks back to those days when it’s just the three of them. Just the three of them. It’s not complicated. Seungcheol is rowdy, and sometimes bossy, but he always takes care of the two of them. Jeonghan is a pain in the because he is sensitive and needy, but he is always there for them. Has he been a bad friend? Did he not do enough as a boyfriend? He knows he is always quiet, he doesn’t talk much when it’s not needed and sometimes, he prefers to be alone, but he loved the two of them wholeheartedly, unconditionally, in his silent ways.

And Joshua is crying again. Because he could not understand what he did wrong. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve this because it’s so painful. It’s beyond painful. It’s twisting his gut and it’s draining all the blood out of his body. He feels like suffocating but there is air and he actually thinks it might be better if he just suffocated totally.

He comes home in the morning, can’t really remember what happened the last night while he is gone, can’t figure out how eight hours just passed and finds everyone crowded in the living room, looking like someone died. He comments just that, “Did someone die?”

“Hyung, where have you been?” Seungkwan worriedly asks.

“Just somewhere,” Joshua answers with a small smile, walking past Seungkwan and ruffling the younger’s hair. “Did you guys not sleep? Are you waiting for me?”

“Jisoo —“ it’s Jeonghan.

Joshua passes right through him like he is wind and seconds later, he hears Jeonghan’s soft sobs. He grabs the doorknob tightly and slams the door behind him before hearing Jeonghan’s louder cries. He doesn’t understand why Jeonghan is the one crying. Seungcheol can’t even look him in the eyes but Jeonghan in the one crying.

He lies on his bed and buries his face on the pillow but he doesn’t sleep because the door opens. His boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, is standing by the door.

“Jisoo, can we talk?” Seungcheol’s voice is the smallest he has ever heard.

He stands up and walks out of the room, passes right through Seungcheol like he isn’t there, like he didn’t say anything, but unlike Jeonghan, Seungcheol catches his hand. He pleads, “Please don’t do this, Jisoo.”

Harshly, he removes his hand from his and continues walking back to the living room without any word. He sees Chan, Vernon and Seungkwan sitting on the couch and he sits in the middle of them.

“Hyung, where did you really go last night?” Seungkwan probes again.

“Just here and there,” Joshua answers again.

“Seungcheol-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung are really worried about you,” Vernon tells him.

Joshua nods his head but he doesn’t say anything. The kids doesn’t know anything and even if he wants to tell everyone in the world how dirty Seungcheol and Jeonghan are, he doesn’t want the kids to be in the middle of it. They aren’t the ones who did something wrong.

It’s not even a day when the others begin noticing it. It’s not exactly subtle when it’s the three oldest who aren’t talking. Jeonghan keeps on avoiding being around Joshua and he doesn’t even wants to be near Seungcheol, Seungcheol seems like he wants to talk to both Jeonghan and Joshua but he can’t, and Joshua pretends neither of them exist.

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Soonyoung quietly asks Joshua.

“I’m not the right person,” Joshua simply puts. “Why don’t you ask Jeonghan and Seungcheol?”

It’s that night when Seungcheol feels like he can’t do this anymore. Funny, Joshua thinks, because he thinks they’ll have to do this until the group disbands, or at least, until his contract expires.

He watches as Seungcheol crumbles down in front of him, knees of the floor, head down, flooding the room with tears that won’t stop — but Seungcheol won’t talk. He’s just there, crying, until Jeonghan and the other members come out from wherever and approaches him, darkness sketched on their faces as they stand far from their leader before Seungcheol just shouts Joshua’s name.

As if he isn’t standing in front of him.

He watches Seungcheol shout his name over and over again, like he is calling for him even if he is just there. He keeps shouting until his voice cracks and he can’t shout anymore. That’s when Jihoon approaches him and makes him completely stop. “Don’t do this,” he quietly whispers. “He is gone.”

Joshua almost doesn’t hear it if he’s not standing right there. But he does and he almost laughs because what does Jihoon mean that he is gone? Who is gone? He is standing right there.

“It’s my fault. ,” Seungcheol cries. “It’s my fault. It my fault. I should have looked for him. I should have —“

“You could have done nothing to change what already happened,” Mingyu speaks, hands clasped and head down, the other members turning to look at him before looking back at a forlorn Seungcheol. He stands up and looks straight in Seungcheol’s eyes, “But you could have been the boyfriend he deserved. You could have been a decent person to him. Both of you,” he turns to Jeonghan, too.

Jeonghan can’t look him in the eyes and the other members are all understandably confused.

Joshua remembers running into Mingyu last night but he doesn’t understand why there are all talking as if he isn’t there. He might have seen what happened and Joshua knows he isn’t stupid to not figure out what is happening.

“Look, I don’t care what you’re feeling,” Mingyu begins again after taking a deep breath. “But can I just say how stupid and low and damn disgusting what you did to Joshua-hyung?”

“Hey,” Wonwoo approaches him and holds his arm.

“I need to say this because he’s not even here anymore to say all of this!” Mingyu loudly says. “He didn’t even get the chance to ask for an explanation. He didn’t even get the chance to hear an apology…”

That’s when Joshua begins to move because he wants to approach Mingyu tears running down his eyes because he finally remembers what happened. He approaches the younger who has his teeth clenched, looking angrily at Seungcheol and Jeonghan. He smiles because Mingyu is not always expressive or if he is expressive, it’s not always the things he meant but Joshua knows he is kind. He has always been kind.

“I hear you. Thank you,” Joshua tells him even though he knows he can’t hear him.

“How could you do that to him?” Mingyu lastly asks before standing up and slamming the door behind him.

Wonwoo runs after him and Joshua is glad. He doesn’t want anything happening to Mingyu out there.

All the other members want to ask what Mingyu is talking about but they can’t. Not with Seungcheol who is still on the floor, shaking, repeating over and over how he is sorry and if Joshua can come back and not with Jeonghan who is looking nowhere but tears won’t stop falling from his already swollen eyes.

Joshua approaches the members one by one. He honestly can’t figure out how he is here but he feels like time’s not on his side right now and he has to do this quick. He wants to hug them but he knows that’s out of the question so he decides to thank them at least. These are the people who are there for him all these years through it all.

Junhui is quiet but he sees he is holding back his tears. He remembers he is with Mingyu and Wonwoo last night when he ran to them. Chan, Vernon and Seungkwan are sitting together in the couch, their heads between their knees and he notices Chan sniffing. Minghao is sitting on the floor with Seokmin while Soonyoung is with Jeonghan and Jihoon is with Seungcheol, both trying to calm the two eldest.

He stands there in the middle of the room with the people he loves most in this world because last nigth has been blurry and he couldn’t remember what happened but he does know. And somehow, he knows this is the last time he’ll be here together with them and as much as it is pains him, Joshua knows his time is up.

So he finally approaches Jeonghan first. “I can’t believe you did that to me, Han. But for what it’s worth, before any of this happened, I could have given you anything you asked me except,” he looks over at Seungcheol. “Except maybe Cheol, but since I’m in no position to say this anymore, thank you for everything and I hope you can forgive yourself.”

Seungcheol is still lumped on the ground. “Cheol,” he begins. “Stand up. Clean yourself up. The kids are all worried and they don’t need a leader burying himself to the ground.”

Seungcheol moves a little and when Joshua sees his face, he can’t help the tears. He can’t stop himself from shaking because he wants to hurt him like he did to him but he also wants to hold him because he knows he won’t be able to anymore.

“I still love you, and I’m afraid I’ll always do,” Joshua confesses silently. “But I don’t think I can forgive you anymore, Cheol, and Jeonghan, too. So I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you find a way with Jeonghan to live with this.”

Suddenly, he feels himself disappearing because twenty-four hours is all he’s got after all. A dead person’s soul can only linger for twenty-four hours after his death.

And he’s gone.

A/N:

Sorry. Haha. He's not supposed to die, I swear.

I just felt like... I don't know. Joshua deserves more love.