The white marbled building was located miles from the city; the parking lot was packed like it always was, filled with cars where the owners might not come back to pick it up again. Those thoughts always frightened me, but my pessimistic self couldn’t help but think about my parents car leaving the hospital without me. At this point, I’m used to walking into the building, people rushing around me or calmly waiting for their turn, but I can vivedly remember the first time I had to go for a check up.

 

The automatic doors seemed too slow for my beating heart, the big hand of my father on my lower back, trying to comfort me with the small contact. At that time I wasn’t aware, the adrenaline rushing through my body keeping my eyes open and my body tense. I was scared, sure, but luckily the sudden rush kept most of my emotions surpressed. As we were seated somewhere I could feel my body becoming unmovable, only focusing on my heart beat and the whispers of my parents.

 

Now,

 

The hospital is like my second home.

 

We’re seated in the same waiting room we’ve always been in. I keep myself busy with my phone, texting my friend to not die of boredom.

 

Dwarf: Yah is it even normal for you to be there tho

 

Me: Fam I’m not sure but I dont pay attention

Me: Parents are making out so nothing big probs

 

Dwarf: Too much information

Dwarf: Just get your here fast, Hoseok’s gonna cry

 

Me: Yea sure I’ll ask the docters to hurry

 

Dwarf: Stfu kid

 

Me: Love you too fam

Me: Gtg

 

Dwaft: Mkay have fun

 

Me: Don’t miss me too much ;))

 

I can still see Jimin typing something but he was taking too long, so I just decide to put my phone away. I guess my health is more important than getting cursed at but still. We were transferred to a more secure room before the doctor that had previously taken an echo of my stomach. We only talked for a brief moment that day, but he assured me he hadn’t found anything. Cold fear rushes through my body sitting infront of the man again.

 

“My sincerest apologies of calling you all of a sudden.” He starts out, slightly tilting his head in what was suppose to be a bow but looked more as if he just glanced at his desk.

 

Doctor Lee grabs the folder on his desk and opens it, taking a few echo photos and scattering them on the table. “As you can see, we didn’t find anything in the echo; This grey area are his small intestines,” He states, circling around a slighter grey patch, obviously only really talking to my parents, “but these intestines also make it so in an echo you can’t see his pancreas. Seeing as the pancreas is a very independent organ and hardly needs treatment, I didn’t think much of it.”

 

He got out a few more papers and squinted his eyes. “The blood and urine test have a different outcome then what I predicted.”

 

There’s a soft shuffling of feet outside the door, probably people rushing to their loved ones or finally taking their step outside for the first time in months. But in the room it’s dead quiet. My parents are clinging on each other, hands intangled as the doctor spook. But I wasn’t listening anymore. I know what was coming next, probably some disease where they had to operate me. It would be scary, of course, I’ve never been put under the knife. But after that everything would be normal again.

 

“You’re son has an agressive tumor in his pancreas. There isn’t a way for us to cut it out without taking a piece of a vital organ.” The doctor continued while me and my parents eye him cautiously.

 

“What does that mean?” My father dares to ask, his voice hoarse as he spoke.

 

“Mr. Jeon, your son has cancer.”

 

And that’s when the world stopped. It was as if I didn’t hear my mother crying. As if I didn’t see my father mindlessly comforting her while his mind was far away. My body feels heavy, stuck on the chair I was sitting on. Numbness, that’s what you would call it. The feeling as if your body isn’t really yours. The dull feeling that masks the impact of those words. I’ve read some pretty good books, sure, but I haven’t felt it so vivedly as I have now. It’s as if my mind was now sitting on a bean bag at Jimin’s place, laughing at him carelessly, not this room.

 

What happened after that was a blurr, but here I was again. In the warm kitchen that has a now cold tension. It wasn’t suppose to be like this. My parents were told that their only child will die a slow and painful death. They shouldn’t be here right now, sitting at the dinner table and chit chatting away at what happened previously at work. They weren’t suppose to hide their sadness and dissapointment with fake smiles. I’m not a child anymore.

 

I left the dinner table and sat on my bed. That’s basically what I did for the rest of the day. My phone was still on silent so I didn’t bother to look at it. I also didn’t bother to look up when my mom entered the room. She honestly tried to talk to me, but after merely seconds she gave up and started packing my belongings.

 

And that’s how I fell asleep, my head against the wall and my hands wrapped around my body. I knew my head would hurt the morning I woke up, but right now, that was the least of my problems. Maybe in the morning I would text Namjoon, just maybe.

 

-

 

It was an uneasy sleep, I can’t clearly remember what it was about but once I woke up it felt as if I hadn’t actually slept. But I’m sure the nightmare was less frightening than what was going on in reality.

 

We ate our breakfast in silence, my parents not having enough energy to act as if everything was fine and me not having enough energy to look up from my plate.

 

“We’re going to go back to the hospital in the afternoon, maybe you can hang out with your friends sweetie.” Mom spoke out with a chocked voice. I shrug.

 

I didn’t want to go to Jimin, nor Hoseok. The thing they would do is cry and I wasn’t ready to face that.

 

I played with my phone while laying on my back of the soft matress of the bed I was going to miss the most. My phone wasn’t even on, I was just mindlessly playing with it, flipping it with my fingers as my thoughts took over my body.

 

I have cancer. Cancer. Pathetic, that’s what it is. My parents, expecting so much from me, training me through these years to end up with me dying. It was cowardly; dissapointing. It’s my fault for ending up like this. Maybe if I did things differently I wouldn’t be a half dead person living. Maybe if I was a different person I wouldn’t bring my parents unwanted grief and taxes. Cancer. The word in itself sounded like a disease. Would it hurt anyone if I just end it earlier. The docter himself said there was no for me to survive. So I could end it nice and clean before the pain hits in. It would be selfish, but isn’t it about time I can be a bit selfish.

 

My phone slipped out of my fingers and fell on my chest, snapping me out of my thoughts as I thought it was about time to turn it back on.

 

23 Unread messages from ‘dwarf’

6 Missed calls from ‘Mom 2’

1 Unread message from ‘Hyung that wont move’

3 Missed calls from ‘Hosock’

 

I mindlessly scrolled through the texts from Jimin. It basically was him just gradually becoming worried. I didn’t bother to look at the they voicemails left. My fingers automatically typed in the comforting number. The line went over and only then I realised I was calling him.

 

“Jungkook?”

 

I just hummed in response, pushing myself to sit straight on my bed and hugged my blanket.

 

“Why’d you call?”

His deep voice ringed through the line, even through a phone his voice was calming and I managed to think straight for the first time since the news.

 

“Mom will explain soon enough, I’m surprised she hasn’t yet.”

I answer, choking out a dry laugh.

 

It was quiet on the other line and I began to become worried he had hung up the phone before he speaks out again.

 

“I guess you dont want to talk about it then?”

His tone had changed. Of course Namjoon would know something was off. But I had just hoped I would be able to keep it on a low, like other people can.

 

“Not really.”

But I do, I do want to talk about it so badly. I want to just burst out in tears but you’re not here and it would just give you unnecessary stress.

 

“Whatever it is, dont worry too much about it. Your friends have your back.”

But I dont want them to have my back because I’ll leave them in a year if I’m lucky.

 

“Yeah, I know.”

But they can’t do anything about this except watch from the sidelines how I die.

 

“And you can call me any time it gets hard.”

Calling isn’t like talking, I just want it to go back to how it was.

 

“Thanks-“

 

“Jungkook I have to go now my boss is calling me.”

But I need you-

 

The ear deafening beeps ringed in my head. The call had ended, as easy as that. I just shrugged it off, it was my own fault for expecting the impossible. Namjoon didn’t even know what was going on, how could I expect him to understand. But I wasn’t ready to tell anyone, because I wasn’t accepting the reality. This was the mirror reflection of what would happen if I went to hang out with Jimin or Hoseok.

 

Maybe it’s better if I just lock myself up in my room for the rest of the day.

 

Now, here I was again. In the passenger seat of the car, driving to the hospital. My dad was already there, he had filled out the paperwork and everything else that was needed.

 

It surprisingly went fast and before I knew it I was in the wing and floor where I was suppose to live for the rest of my short life.

 

When I opened the wooden doors I didn’t expect it to be so, comfy. You could still tell it was a hospital, the white marbled floor blinding you and the small room for the nurses painfully reminding you of that fact.

 

But there was also soft mumbling, the sound of a radio or TV and even noises of plates being put away in the background, all surpisingly comfortable. My dad softly pushed me aside, stopping me from observing the bland walls. He took off before us, my bag in his hands. Me and my mother timidly followed him.

 

We passed an open room that catched my eyes. There was an old couch placed against the wall, a rug that looked for toddlers of a road and a small TV. Nothing special, apart from the children in the room. A small girl kneeled down on the rug, I didn’t have enough time to see her properly as her black hair covered most of her face, but judging on her build she couldn’t be over 12. Sprawled on the couch was a teenage boy, not looking at the switched on TV but on the small girl playing. His light brown hair losely falling over his eyes as he just kind of stared at the girl.

 

I didn’t have enough time to even try and guess what he or the girl were thinking because we passed the room and walked further, no questions asked and the odd pair was quickly forgotten. My father dropped my bag next to the huge hospital bed. It was a simple room, white floor, dark blue and wooden walls plus a bed and a chair. Apparently my father managed to get a single room, which was great because I wasn’t ready to be around some mind dead 7 year olds.

 

I sat myself on the hospital bed –there is no way in hell i’m calling it my bed- and my parents seated themselves on the chairs. And we sat there, complete silence.

 

Time passed, words didn’t.

 

“Have you told your friends?” My mom asks out after what seems like days, her voice hoarse.

 

I shake my head, and my father sighs with his eyes.

 

She clears her throath before speaking up again: “Dont worry about that sweetie, we’ll tell the families.” She honestly tried to sound strong, or at least stable. But her rough voice and unsteady eyes were enough to tell me she wasn’t okay. No one was. No one will be.

 

“Thanks mom.” My emotionless voice even scares me, but my mom throws me a sheepish smile either way. It was my mother and i who were the best at reading people, though she’s far better than me.

 

No words were said after that, just my dad silently unpacking my stuff and placing them in the bathroom connected to my room. They left shortly after that, or maybe they stayed for a few more hours.

 

Either way it was just me in the room, the setting sun giving the blue room a far warmer glow. It was nice like this, not so cold like it was when I arrived. The wristband dug into my skin as I turned to my side, facing the single window.

 

I almost fell asleep, or pass out, before I heard a soft knock on my door. I turn around in my bed, expecting a nurse, instead boy stood in the doorway. His light hair messily falling over his eyes –almost as messy as his clothes- as he threw me a soft smile.

 

“You should get out of that room and join us for dinner.” He said, his deep voice not matching his soft exterior.

 

Slightly flustered by his voice I manage to reply: “Who’s us?”

 

“A few other kids, they’re nice dont worry. Well unless if you’re an Aries.” He said, laughing at his own joke, his nose slightly srunching up.

 

I blankly stared at him, my eyebrows frowned.

 

“Well, you know. Aries don’t get along with Cancer. And we all have ca- You know it’s really not funny if you have to explain the joke.” The boy said deseparetly, his face turning into a frown.

 

I can’t help but feel the ends of my lips curl into what you could consider as a smile.

 

“Sure.” I answer

 

“Sure what?”

 

“Sure I’ll join you all to dinner.” I say, but almost immidiantly regret as it comes out far more snobby as I wanted it to be.

 

“Our majesty has blessed us with his presence.” He quickly says, bowing in the doorway. I push myself off the bed and walk over to him, dramatically laying my hand on his shoulder and lifting my chin.

 

“You should be greatful peasant.”

 

I could feel his body shake under my hand as he let out silent laughs.

 

“Of course king…”

 

“Jungkook.” I answer