Never in my wildest imagination that he was going through a lot. He always makes me happy in every little ways he can. 
From cooking kinda salty egg, overly sugary coffee and a small note of good morning on the breakfast table before I go to my own scheduled work,  that made me smile. Singing  some beautiful notes in between errands making me the very first man to hear his newly produced song. Everything. Everything he does makes me happy and smile. And be thankful he was my very best friend. 
He loves my little baby brother more than I do. He wakes him up, bathe him, sends him to school everything and more. Little Yoogie loves him dear more than he loves me I believe. 
He was the little big brother (you know literally little. I am taller than him) I have from a different mother. 
He annoys you at times, tease you here and there but always look after you secretly. 
I don't know how our Tom and Jerry like friendship started but the last thing I know is we were inseparable. 
When my parents decided to live on the quiet side of the town, little Yoogie and I decided to still live at our apartment. I even asked him if he'd like to live with me. He says yes. He took the master's bedroom. He was insisting I should use it but I refused. He was working on a book,  he composes music as well. The master's bedroom was sound proof,  he can mix and match music,  record and all sorts. 

We were both busy. Him with music and his books while I was busy with my modelling and acting career. We rarely see each other but we often talk. 
I wasn't sure what had happened. I was not noticing what he was going through. I thought everything was okay. That the constant talk about his sadness and depression with me was making him feel alright,  I guess I was wrong. 
To be honest,  he helped me through a lot. I've been through so much pain before,  he was the one who helped me a lot to overcome the pain. 
With his smiles, his giggles, the laughter whenever little Yoogie is not pronouncing some words correctly, it doesn't show what he's been going through or maybe I was not just sensitive enough to notice how much pain he was going through. 
I never thought that whenever he mentioned that "I'll be resting" for the past months meant him going to somewhere unreachable. 
If only I knew,  I should've hold his hands more, laugh with him more,  talk about everything with him more. 
He was doing fine,  still the bubbly little guy that he is. Always mentioning to me that being tall isn't everything. That I am a living proof of selfishness. Or his very famous " is this the reality you wanted?  " phrase. 
Never thought it'll end up like this. 
Now I'd miss those words. I'll terribly miss how he would make faces while telling that straight to my face. 
I was away and he said he'd have some time off, he just finished his series of concert during my birthday. Taemin just finished promoting, my drama just ended airing, Kibum just flew to Portugal and Jinki-hyung just wrote a letter after five months about his past issue. Then, this. This "something" happened. 
Then something happened. That one thing I never wanted to happen. Way too early for anything. 
He was all over the news. Like what he always tells me the past months,  he will be all over the news. 
That's what I wanted to happen, for him to be on the news being recognized. That all of his hard works in his past concert will be recognized. 
Yes, he was recognized that day, just what I always wanted but this is on a very sour way. I want him to be all over the news again but not like this. Never like this. 
It happened so fast. I don't even know how it all started. I don't even remember how I got here, how I reacted after hearing the news. 
The next thing I knew is that,  he was again all over the news. And the sad thing about it is that, they're talking about how he took his own life, how my best friend was gone. 
I couldn't believe it at first. It was surreal. Surreal that I thought I was dreaming. That everything was just a joke. But when everything was set up,  when I was in front of the room greeting everyone who's extending their warm hands as I stood there trying to be strong, it was real. 
My best friend,  my best enemy,  was sleeping through eternity. 
Little Yoogie suddenly called in the middle of the night. He was asking about my best friend. He was asking why we're not going home. Why his Jjong-hyug was all over the news. Why everyone was crying for his Jjong-hyung. 
He was so young to know what is going on. He was not old enough to know the meaning of departure. So I asked him, 
"You remember where angels live?"
"You mean heaven, hyung?"
He asked me back. Trying to hold back my loud cries I hummed and he asked again,
"What about heaven and angels, hyung?"
"Your Jjong-hyung is an angel now,  Yoogie. He's in heaven playing with them."
Little Yoogie's voice started to crack. I know he was about to cry. That's how he usually start before bawling. Breath hitching and voice cracking. 
"Why is he playing there? He doesn't wanna play with Yoogie anymore? Jjong-hyung doesn't love Yoogie anymore?"
I muffled my cries. This is the time I was trying to stop. When my little brother asks about the person he loves as much as he loves me or even more being gone. I couldn't find the right words to tell him to let him know he wouldn't be able to hug,  kiss, play or even see or hear his Jjong-hyung ever again. 
"He loves you Yoogie. Jjong-hyung loves everyone. "
"Why is he not coming home tonight? Why is the tv saying he is gone? What does it mean he's gone? Where is Jjong-hyung, hyung? He was with you right? Jjong-hyung was with you right?"
I looked at the picture of my best friend in the middle of the beautiful flowers on the center of the room. People was coming in and out every minute. 
There was his mother, mama Kim, tears isn't visible on her eyes but sadness was way too obvious. His elder sister was staring blankly somewhere. 
Tae,  his precious Taemin was the one who's now greeting the guests. With him is our Jinki hyung. No tears was visible too,  but the swollen eyes indicates how much tears we all shed. 
"Yoogie, you need to go to sleep now."
I barely said. I heard the bed creak. I know his stamping his little legs on the bed trying to throw his tantrums telling me, 
"Yoogie wants Jjong-hyung. I want Jjong-hyung. I want Jjong-hyung sing Yoogie to sleep!"
I kept quiet. Yoogie was just crying chanting my best friend's name. I felt bad. I want to hug my brother. I wanna be with him tonight but I need to be strong for everyone here.
 I stayed on the line until I heard him snore little cries,  I put down the phone. Went near Kibum who just arrived, you see he was out of the country when the news broke out. 
He cried his heart out telling no one why Jjong-hyung never waited for him. No one answers. We just hugged him,  try to calm him down as I tell him words that I often tell everyone  that everything will be okay. 
But it wasn't. It will never be okay. 
We were so used to be with him for more than a decade,  spend our sunrise to sundown with him. Share most of our firsts with him then suddenly we all have to get used to a daily life without him. How can that be okay? How can we get used to that? 
It was his last day with us when the crying little Yoogie,  brought by our mom came to see his Jjong-hyung for the last time... From the time he stepped in the room, to when he reached at least a meter away from the altar, he was crying. His little shoulders shaking up and down. 
He run towards Taemin. He asked where his Jjong-hyung was. Taemin just sadly smiled and kept his mouth shut. Little Yoogie don't like that. He then run towards the quietly crying Kibum. He asked about my best friend too. Kibum didn't say anything but hugged him. He moved away from Kibum's grasp and run toward Jinki hyung. 
"Jinki-hyung!  Why is everyone crying? Where is Jjong-hyung?"
Just like what Jinki hyung often do to us,  he ruffled my younger brother's hair and said, 
"He's here somewhere."
"Where is somewhere? Yoogie wanted to play with Jjong-hyung!  Show me Jjong-hyung puhlease?"
I couldn't take it anymore so I walked near him,  carried my little brother,  went near my best friend's portrait and said, 
"Yoogie,  you listen to what Minho-hyung will say,  'Kay?"
Little Yoogie nodded. I deeply sighed and said, 
"You remember when grandma never went home and mama told you she was now our angel and she's in heaven?"
"Hmmm."
"Your Jjong-hyung too became our angel now. He's already in heaven."
"Why? Why?"
"He has too. When you're older,  when you can understand better I will explain okay?"
He nodded. He cried and cried again until he fall asleep crying. 
Then the time has come. It was our last day with his physical body and it pains me. So much. So much that i just wanna stop the clock and shout that it was all just a joke but it wasn't. 
I was told I needed to lead the procession. Never in my wildest imagination  that I would lead my best friend to a procession like this. 
We always mentioned how we wanted each other to be the person who'd lead the entourage of our wedding. But I'd have to marry off alone. Well, I have three other brothers in Jinki-hyung,  Kibum and Taemin but I always wanted Jonghyun-hyung to be one of my best men. And my wedding Singer. But my best friend whom I always wanted to be one of the best men in my wedding and my wedding singer was now being laid to eternal rest. 
Every step I take,  it was harder and harder. I just wanted to stop the clock. I wanted someone to tell me that this is was just a dream. A dream I can wake up anytime. But when our closest friends; Jinki-hyung,  Kibum and Taeminnie along other hyungs we have in the company who see us grow together was carrying my best friend's new bed near the waiting car,  my heart breaks a little more, if it can be broken more. 
I was standing close to his elder sister, holding her close so she won't stumble and fall with little Yoogie who was behind me hugging my legs, mumbling sweet words for his Jjong-hyung. It was heart breaking how we'd all say goodbye to him. 
We planned about life so much with each other. A lot of plans that we all have to accomplish with him just looking down on us from above. 
When he was inside the car with us, as we silently and ever so slowly took the road to his final resting place,  I felt a little paper inside my pocket as I was caressing the frame that contains my best friend's smiling face. He looks so good smiling like that. 
I wish I could see more of that. I could but only in my memories. 
The memories I'd treasure forever. 
I never got the chance to look at the paper when the funeral was happening. I was just blankly looking somewhere. The next thing I knew is that,  we're inside their house,  sharing teas and a little chitchat. That's when I got the courage to look at the paper inside my pocket. 
It has the ever messy handwriting of my younger brother. There are visible dried tears in between the letters. 
Little Yoogie was only ten,  he was too young to know the real meaning of departure but his letter, his letter broke my heart for the nth time. It was heart breaking. A little kid saying goodbye to someone he sees like a hero. I wish I was able to place it with my best friend, but I don't have the chance. Maybe I'll do it when I visit him. 

"Jjong-hyung, 
It's me Yoogie!☺ Mama and Minho hyung told me you're already in heaven. I don't get it though. You said you'd just be away and you'd come back. That you wanted to rest. But why is you not coming back? Is Yoogie a bad boy coz he can't read your books well? Coz I can't pronounce some words correctly? Why do you need to be in heaven? Mama said only angel is in heaven. Are you my angel now?  Are you coming back home? You know Yoogie misses you. Yoogie misses how you sing for me, how we play and how you always tell me how much you love Yoogie. Jjong-hyung, Yoogie misses you so much. Mama told me you needed to sleep. That you needed rest,  but I still want you here. Who will be with me when Minho hyung is so busy? Who will teach me how to play the guitar? Minho hyung can't play that. Who's gonna play with me when it's weekend? Who's gonna sing me to sleep? Are you seeing grandma in heaven? Are you gonna play with little angels there?  Will you forget Yoogie now that you have lotsa little angels? Jjong-hyung, I love you. Thank you for being with me when everyone was busy and was not there. Thank you for always telling me I am the bestest boy in town. I miss you, you will pay Yoogie a visit,  right? Please Jjong-hyung, visit me. Even in my dreams, visit me just like grandma always do. Yoogie loves you. Mama said you're now an angel but hyung!  Yoogie sees you as my hero! I love you hyung!  Tell me if someone teases you there. I'll see you again, okay? Jinki-hyung, Minho-hyung, Kibum-hyung Taeminnie-hyung and little Yoogie will love your Sodam noona and Mama Kim so much. I'll miss you,  can I sleep in your bed? Can I play with ByulRoo? Tell me what heaven looks like, Kay? See you soon! Bye! You have to sleep well. And Jjong-hyung, you did amazing! I love you. - Yoogie"
I looked at my little brother, he was sitting on mama Kim's lap as mama Kim hugs him,  he was telling stories about how his Jjong-hyung looks so silly while telling him stories. How his Jjong-hyung sounded so sweet when he was singing him to sleep. How he misses his Jjong-hyung. 
Everyone misses him. Everyone. I saw how many people shed tears for him,  how people mourn for the loss. How people regretted not noticing what he's going through. Even us, the closest to him never thought he was fighting a dark demon the past months. 
It saddened me to know that he was slowly, ever so slowly for the past three months preparing for this sudden departure. If only I knew that his phrase of "let me rest by the end of the month" means resting eternally. If only I know,  if only we know,  we'll surely try to make everything work, we'll always tell him that he did in fact do well.  Coz he did more than well. 
It saddened me to know that we'll all age as years passed but he'd be stucked at 27. I'd be older than him physically. I always wanted him to be my child's godfather,  but well right now he will be nothing but a guardian angel for all of us. 
I bowed my head when reality hits me hard. The man who had been with me during the happiest and the lowest point of my life was now enjoying his new home. Now enjoying paradise only an angel like him truly belongs. 
I don't know how long I was silently shedding tears until I felt someone hugging me. I looked up and saw my mother. I tried to quickly wipe my tears as soon as I saw her eyes looking down on me. She smiled at me  caress my face and said,
"You've been strong for everyone the past three days, you should cry your heart out now."
Upon hearing her tell me that,  I couldn't help but hugged her waist and cry. Cry with all my might trying not to make any sound. I thought I have cried all my tears the moment I knew he was gone,  I thought I've accepted everything, I thought I was strong, but no,  I was wrong. 
I still have tears, I'm still not yet over the loss, I'm not strong. I tried to be for everyone but right now,  now that reality finally hit me that my best friend,  the bestest enemy I have, the best critique I have was long gone, that I will never see him ever again, that I will never hear his beautiful voice again live, I felt empty. 
I hugged my mom's waist tighter, wet her clothes and started crying like a little kid. Worse than Yoogie does I supposed. I don't usually cry like this. Even when we lost my grandmother back when little Yoogie was five, I never cried this hard. I always think I should be strong for them. But when I lost my best friend, I can't help but cry this hard. I usually don't, but I can't help but do especially everything is hard to accept and let my mind sink things in. I felt her warm hands on my back saying sweet words for me. 
"It's okay,  honey. Everything will be okay."
I shook my head. I then sadly mumbled, 
"It's never okay,  mama. It's never gonna be okay."
My mother lifted my face,  wipe the little tears I have and sweetly said, 
"Getting better and getting through this pain would take time,  I know. I'm not forcing you to be okay for now. But listen honey,  Jonghyun's out of pain now. He wouldn't pretend to be someone he wasn't anymore. I know, my words will not mend your pain as of the moment, I know he had been with you more than us so I understand. I also lost another child,  it pains me too. Healing takes time but at least your best friend is in a safer place now. He won't be hurt anymore."
I pouted. The pout I learnt from Taemin and said sounding like our little Yoogie, 
"But I want him to be with me longer, mama. I'm not yet ready for this."
My mom chuckled. She glanced at mama Kim and said, 
"No one was ready for this. I know,  it hurts to hear this and it will not be much of a help but I have to say it anyway,  maybe Jonghyun chose to do this because he doesn't wanna be hurt again. He doesn't want to pretend to be someone he's not. He doesn't wanna pretend that everything is okay behind his laughter and smiles. Coz he knew deep inside it wasn't okay."
She paused and said ruffling my hair, 
"We all have a new angel now,  honey. Jjong wouldn't be happy if you'd grieve for a long time, you know how he likes to make everyone happy. You can cry for now, you have to but you have to get back on your feet again,  you have to be strong for everyone. For Jinki, for Kibum and Taeminnie. Especially for Sodam and your mama Kim. They need the four of you more than anyone else now. We will get through this just fine. In time."
I smiled. Looked at my best friend's elder sister and his mother. They're trying to be strong. I know it wasn't that easy. It was never easy to pretend but they're trying. I deeply sighed. I bet me too needed to be strong. In times like this,  I have to be the strongest anchor that holds them still. I have to be strong. For everyone, for myself especially for Jjong-hyung. I know he wants someone to be strong for the girls he left. 
"It's hard to go out and tell everyone you're okay coz you know you're not. You'd never be for now. Not even tomorrow. But you have to be okay soon. I'm sure Jjong was happy up there. He was now the lead Singer of God's choir. He was now playing along the angels like him. Who knows he may be boasting you and SHINee to everyone up there."
I bowed my head. I asked no one in particular, 
"Why does he took back his wings so early? We're supposed to dance replay in colorful skinny jeans when we're 40."
I was asking incoherent questions nonstop when my mother looked me deep in the eyes and said words that adds pain to my wounded heart but it was a comforting and warm words from someone who understand life better than I do. 
"Honey,  listen to mama. Grandma always tell you this when your grandpa slept through eternity I also mentioned this to Yoogie when grandma passed, people are angels before. God took our wings momentarily, pushed us down here on earth to serve a purpose. To touch lives. To share what we best do. When you're done with your purpose he'll give you back your wings and call you back to His paradise. I bet your best friend, our Jonghyun already served his purpose. He had shared his talent, he had touched s