pal

 

Loving someone is scary.

 

In between an absurd amount of what if’s and tears, Soonyoung thought this as he struggled to find which was more terrifying between loving and losing.

 

(What if they were on the same side? What if there were no sides? What if they hadn’t met? What if they never loved?

 

What if the world was different?)

 

An uncontrollable shaking made a home in his chest while his fingers turned frigid. Whether it was out of fear or from impeccable training, he couldn’t tell. The gun in his hands gave his heart frostbite, and seeing Wonwoo cry ignited a sickening fire in his gut; the water dripping in between drowned his lungs. Soonyoung’s hiccups couldn’t sound any less like the cries for help he wanted them to be, cries for someone of a higher power in the universe to make everything okay, but only Wonwoo heard their intentions well enough.

 

“Kill me,” Wonwoo said calmly for how panicked he looked. He walked right up to gunpoint, letting the muzzle of the gun kiss his chest. “Kill me so Chan doesn’t have to die.”

 

Soonyoung couldn’t bring himself to lay a finger near the trigger; the safety lever hadn’t even been pulled. The most he could do was shake his head in denial when all he wanted was lay his head on Wonwoo’s shoulder.

 

“Please,” Wonwoo begged, his tone a little more desperate. “This is how it should be.”

 

Except it wasn’t, and Soonyoung had come to understand that too late. Everything was wrong—everything about the two of them was wrong, and he wondered if he would have found happiness without Wonwoo in the same way he wouldn’t have found such sadness. The same way he wouldn’t have been faced with the decision to choose between someone he had always loved and someone he had come to love. The same way he could feel himself being torn apart to the point where all he wanted to do was bring the gun in his hands, the object of his suffering, to his temple as if it would solve everything.

 

sa

 

Soonyoung couldn’t remember the number of times he’d asked Wonwoo to tell him more about himself and the number of times Wonwoo responded with, “In time.” Soonyoung had always believed that if questions weren’t answered, then it meant the responder was hiding something, but when Wonwoo would dismiss Soonyoung’s questions in such a way, Soonyoung somehow believed that Wonwoo would reveal more about himself as they spent time together, a fruit that came as a reward for patience.

 

He often found himself waiting without ever questioning why he was. Waiting for an answer then became waiting for a smile, waiting for their time together, waiting for reciprocation, and waiting for Wonwoo. Wonwoo was interesting and Soonyoung was intrigued, and the more often they took a walk along the riverside, the more Soonyoung forgot he had an end goal.

 

il

 

Pride filled the air, and Soonyoung filled his chest with it as the speakers announced his name. He might have looked stiff with his chin a little too high, but what did that matter when he graduated from training at the top of his class, second only to his best friend Jihoon? He moved not a single muscle as the World Secretary awarded him with a pin on his shoulder, and he sighed out when he could see the World Secretary do the same with Jihoon. The end of two long years of constant target practice and lectures and the beginning of their recruitment into the Crew gave Soonyoung the right to his ecstasy. Both Soonyoung and Jihoon were granted a handgun with their code names etched on the barrel, Stargazer for Soonyoung and Ace for Jihoon, and they took home with them not only their new pieces of metal but also their first job: eliminate the Unwanted that came to spy on the graduation ceremony.

 

Unwanted was the official term for them, the rebels of the government and traitors of the world. It had been over four hundred years since the world was finally united under one government, but the Unwanted were still around, and surprisingly prominent and well-hidden in society. They taught others of forbidden languages, promoting separation of people, taking a blatant stand against the current World Leader. The Crew was responsible for getting rid of the Unwanted whose existence hindered a more united world, and only the most loyal and hardworking could join. It really was a prideful thing to be a part of, and when Soonyoung and Jihoon quickly rose in ranks in the Crew, Soonyoung could almost feel his chest so swollen with built-up confidence that he too arrogantly decided they would do fine taking a high-grade job. And when that job came in along with a captured leader of a group of the Unwanted, he could do little to predict that his bubble would burst in the worst way imaginable.

 

sam

 

“I’m Wonwoo.”

 

Soonyoung already knew his name, but he didn’t know it would be with this face. Somehow, the Wonwoo in his imagination was much more scary-looking, much more built, and much more intimidating. Someone so thin couldn’t have much power to rebel against the government. He barely seemed to have enough mass to have much of a voice. Doubt crossed his mind and he wondered if he had bitten into bait. It was strange after all, for Seungcheol to give him a name after being asked only once by Jihoon. All he knew was that Seungcheol said that a Wonwoo would walk along the riverside in the mornings. It didn’t mean that this Wonwoo would be an Unwanted. Soonyoung was starting to think he was tricked, but it didn’t stop him from spending the remainder of the afternoon with his newly acquainted suspect.

 

i

 

“Is he really speaking a forbidden language, or is he just speaking gibberish to throw us off?”

 

The leader of the rebels had quite a bit of muscle, but nothing that would let him break free from the thin chains that strapped him down. It had been ten days since his capture, and the only language they could get out of him was forbidden, and no Crew member could understand what he was or wasn’t trying to say. The Crew members called him Seungcheol after hearing the prisoner say the word several times, but that was as far as they could get with any interrogation.

 

“Is it possible he doesn’t know how to speak the World Language?”

 

“Of course, not! He wouldn’t have lived to be as old as he is otherwise!”

 

“Unless there's a society that we don’t know of that only speaks forbidden languages.”

 

The suggestion was heavy and dampened any other ideas that were floating around. Soonyoung nudged Jihoon. “I think we can get something out of him,” he whispered.

 

“Are you crazy?” Jihoon whispered back. “What makes you think that?”

 

Soonyoung pointed at the prisoner, glad the two of them were in the back so that other Crew members wouldn’t be able to see. “Watch him closely. His face, I mean.”

 

They waited as other suggestions were tossed around. There was no point in having a prisoner that couldn’t give them any information, but the problem was that the Crew members knew that Seungcheol knew something valuable. Soonyoung knew because of the most subtle turn on Seungcheol’s lips that he finally got Jihoon to notice.

 

“He speaks the World Language,” Jihoon whispered dumbfoundedly in realization. “He knows what we’re saying.”

 

When a nearby Crew member heard Jihoon’s whisper, he shouted you er as he dashed for Seungcheol’s neck, choking him until another Crew member held him back. Soonyoung thought he saw a glimpse of hell as Crew members started shouting across the room and getting physical with their arguments, but Jihoon silenced the chaos when he said firmly, “Stargazer and Ace will take this job.”

 

Mumbled chatter was accompanied by the shuffling of boots against tile as the Crew members left Soonyoung and Jihoon with the responsibility no one else wanted. Soonyoung thought the peace that came from the three left alone in that room was both nerve-racking and relieving, Jihoon being the calming factor until he punched Seungcheol square in the jaw. Soonyoung was left wincing in uneasiness.

 

“Alright, you ing traitor,” Jihoon spat, fist up high, ready for round two. “Where are the others?”

 

o

 

The first time Seungcheol mentioned a name, it was Wonwoo’s. The second time he mentioned a name, it was weeks later, and it was still Wonwoo’s.

 

“It’s Wonwoo. The other leader of my group, his name is Wonwoo,” Seungcheol said with clear articulation in the World Language.

 

After the first time Seungcheol had mentioned the name, after Soonyoung had already investigated the Wonwoo who took walks on the riverside, and after Soonyoung started to put his faith in his Wonwoo, here Seungcheol was, giving Soonyoung reasons to doubt again. It was the second time Seungcheol had named Wonwoo as one of the Unwanted, but it the first time Soonyoung felt himself wanting to deny it.

 

Seungcheol’s face was more recognizable now that Jihoon had stopped punching him so often. Either that or his body built up resistance to the physical greetings that Jihoon graciously provided. What bothered Soonyoung, though, was that Seungcheol seemed emotionally unphased by throwing out Wonwoo’s name. His supposed teammate’s name. His supposed co-leader’s name.

 

“Do you think he’s telling the truth, Soonyoung?”

 

Soonyoung bit his lip. He couldn’t say no, but he couldn’t think yes. Why would Seungcheol so easily extend his had with a name on a silver platter unless that name was poisonous?

 

“I don’t know.”

 

It was somehow turning into a mind game, Seungcheol throwing out Wonwoo’s name but Wonwoo seeming like he had nothing against the government, Soonyoung growing fond of Wonwoo but having a sense of duty that tells him he shouldn’t. Jihoon was urging for elimination at the first sign of Wonwoo being an Unwanted, but until then he had to keep his gun hidden in its holster, and until Wonwoo was deemed a loyal citizen, Soonyoung had to keep his heart hidden in his throat.

 

chil

 

Wonwoo was an Unwanted and Soonyoung was a Crew member. No matter how Soonyoung thought about it, there was no way the end outcome would have turned out well, even with the possibility that Wonwoo was someone who was mistakenly dragged into the standoff between government workers and those who were anti-government. The problem wasn’t their associations, but the emotions that Soonyoung had when he learned how Wonwoo looked when was happy, when he learned how Wonwoo’s thin hand felt under his, when he learned how Wonwoo laughed with a robust voice, and when he learned how he loved Wonwoo when he shouldn’t have.

 

However, Soonyoung had a duty to the World Leader, and that meant that the Unwanted must be eliminated by his hands. The hard way for him to do that was to do it when Wonwoo was unsuspecting. The harder way was for him to do it after he came clean to Wonwoo about his identity. He chose the hard way. But the hard way became even harder when at the end of it all, Wonwoo was crying not from the secrets that Soonyoung kept, but from the decision that Soonyoung had to make between killing his target and letting his family get killed. Because Wonwoo knew all about how Soonyoung, though separated from his little brother, held Chan and the memories of their childhood very close to his heart. Wonwoo cried because he didn’t want Chan to die because of him. Wonwoo cried because Soonyoung’s hesitation meant that he held Wonwoo at a comparable distance from his heart.

 

Soonyoung cried because he no longer had the determination to kill Wonwoo.

 

gu

 

“Let’s run away together,” Wonwoo proposed. “Away from the world. And bring Chan with us.”

 

Soonyoung offered a dry laughter that had already given up on a happy ending. “Are you asking me to run away with you to outer space?”

 

Wonwoo laughed gently with more optimism than Soonyoung. “No, I mean the world that you know. The world run by a single government and supported by a single group of people who know a single language and a single culture. It’s a rather bland world if I do say so myself.”

 

Their hands were loosely clasped, but their hearts felt inseparably connected.

 

“You want me to become an Unwanted.”

 

“At this point, aren’t you one already?”

 

The truth hurt, Soonyoung had heard, and what he heard was right. His entire life consisted of loyalty to the government and a blind hatred for the Unwanted, but little did he know that the Unwanted had so much more to offer than rebellion.

 

“So what, we run away and then Jihoon comes and finds us and kills us all?”

 

“I know a guy. He can make us disappear from the world without a trace, and it doesn’t involve any of us dying.”

 

Soonyoung was skeptical, but now that a shabby third option presented itself alongside the two impossibly horrible choices, Wonwoo’s suggestion didn’t seem too far off from optimal.

 

“I’ll talk to Chan.”

 

The thing about Chan was that even though Soonyoung had to leave him behind to go through training to become a Crew member, he still loved Chan. But he had no idea if Chan had the same feelings towards him. Soonyoung feared rejection—but worse, he feared that Chan would notify an official of Soonyoung’s plans, which would be the worst case of them all, resulting in Soonyoung, Chan, and Wonwoo being eliminated, seeing that Wonwoo didn’t end up escaping on his own.

 

Soonyoung’s knuckle was inches from Chan’s window, Soonyoung standing outside a dormitory for the strays, unable to knock despite knowing that time was of the essence. When he finally did, he had no idea how long he had been standing there, but his fear flew away with the wind as Chan’s surprised expression turned into one of joy, and they were soon tightly in each other’s arms, tears as silent as the two could make them. Soonyoung was next to be surprised when Chan accepted Wonwoo’s idea so easily and responded with, “I stopped believing the world was perfect when the government separated us for you to start your training.”

 

ship

 

Soonyoung felt strangely calm as he packed everything he needed for his escape. He was more nervous when Chan met Wonwoo, only realizing when they met that he wouldn’t have known what to do if they hadn’t gotten along. But Chan welcomed Wonwoo with enthusiasm, saying that without Wonwoo he wouldn’t have known when he would ever have seen Soonyoung again. The sun was long gone and Soonyoung’s determination was sky high, and he almost felt like what he was doing was the right thing to do. He would never not be sorry to Jihoon, but he would never have forgiven himself if he allowed either Wonwoo or Chan to die when he could have stopped it. This was option three, but it was option freedom. He was going to find out more about the world. He was going to learn all he could and maybe one day the Unwanted would bring beauty back into the world again. In time.

 

Soonyoung was ready to run away from the world and face the universe.

 

yuk

 

Soonyoung felt like he knew Wonwoo, in so many ways, but in none at all. He wanted to believe that Wonwoo had no relation to the Unwanted, but how could he ask when he himself hid part of his identity? He tried sounding casual about his question that he hoped would be at least a little insightful to his investigation turned leisure. “So, I heard that people were learning forbidden languages as a hobby nowadays. You don’t happen to know how to say anything in some forbidden language, do you?”

 

Wonwoo seemed surprised, and Soonyoung couldn’t discern if it was because he was a loyal citizen or because he was an Unwanted. He would have to wait for the answer.

 

“A forbidden language, huh?”

 

Soonyoung waited, but nothing else came after that. He supposed it was another one of those things that he would learn in time. That time would come later than he’d have liked: after Seungcheol definitively named Wonwoo as an Unwanted and after Soonyoung already felt an attachment towards Wonwoo.

 

“There are more forbidden languages than you would ever know,” Wonwoo admitted. “But I can teach you to say a few words in one.”

 

Soonyoung chuckled nervously. “Really?”

 

Wonwoo smiled as he pointed at Soonyoung. “Neo.”

 

Soonyoung pointed at himself. “Neo?”

 

A nod. “Neun.”

 

“Neun.”

 

Wonwoo lowered his voice. “Areumdawo.”

 

“Areum… what?”

 

Wonwoo closed his eyes as he repeated himself. “Areumdawo.”

 

“Areumdawo,” Soonyoung said with more certainty. “And what does that mean?”

 

Wonwoo placed his index fingers on his lips and Soonyoung huffed. What was the point of learned something new when you didn’t know what it meant?

 

“Was that even a real language? Are you pulling a prank on me?”

 

Wonwoo turned and said something so softly that it was carried away by the river. Soonyoung thought about asking him to repeat himself but had a feeling that Wonwoo would keep the words to himself for who knows how long. Despite not really having learned anything in a forbidden language, Soonyoung found himself wanting to learn more. The unfamiliar way his tongue moved was interestingly fascinating. But if he didn’t know what the words meant, he wasn’t really learning a forbidden language, was he?

 

“You are beautiful,” Wonwoo said suddenly, and Soonyoung felt himself heat up to the point that he was tempted to jump into the river to cool down. He instead smacked Wonwoo in the arm and turned his face away in embarrassment.

 

“What was that for?” Soonyoung asked.

 

He could see from the corner of his eye that Wonwoo was refraining himself from laughing in an endearing way, and Soonyoung had to stop himself from voicing his affections out loud. He almost wished that Wonwoo stopped himself, but he couldn’t help but admit that maybe he liked it. It didn’t take long for Soonyoung to start smiling along with him, and by the time Wonwoo responded with, “Nothing,” he had already forgotten what he had asked.