Past

'Hi my name is Lu Han and I have stomach ache',that was my introduction when I was thirteen. Kind of sad, right? 

When I was a child I had super bad stomach aches. The pain literally drove me crazy that I didn't know why I had it. My parents didn't care about me until I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep and of course I couldn't go to school anymore.
My mom dragged me to all kinds of doctors. We went to the ambulance and I had lots of checkups like X-Rays,several stomach reflections and a ton of blood tests. It took the doctors a year to find out that the reason for my pain was psychological distress and they couldn't cure it. At least it was their conclusion. Since that I have had an aversion to doctors.

A year later,when I was fifteen, my head started to hurt out of nowhere. Now it's: 'Hey my name is Lu Han,I'm fifteen and I have really bad headaches.'
And again the whole process of going to several doctors, only to find out that it was my imagination. At this state of life I simply wished that it was some kind of incurable brain cancer or something. I didn't want to live anymore, because just imagine: You are a fifteen year old child and have incredible pain every single day,every single hour for three years and nobody can help or cure you.

But on the other hand I had one  reasons to live. My little sister was born when I was eleven and I wanted to watch her growing up and I love her to death. She's actually the only person who isn't against me. 

You may wonder why I didn't mention my parents or the rest of my whole family. 
Well they believed the doctors more than myself. They won't believe that I have such pain due to mental reasons.
Even the three psychiatrists that ever medicated me wouldn't believe my pain.

They said I don't have a depression.

They said that I just don't look like someone with depression or chronic psychological pain.

They said if we can't see it it isn't there.

They said I won't need any psychological medication to feel better.

They said I just do it for attention.

They said that I just wanted to skip school.

They said I just pretend.

That dragged me down so much and I literally wanted to hurt myself or die. But I couldn't cut my wrist for release, how it's often shown in books or movies. I just couldn't. I already felt so much pain. 

Present

Every single day went the same for two more years. I am seventeen now.
I wake up because of my alarm clock. The pain in my head and the fatigue due to my sleeping problems chain my body to my bed.
I slowly get up and head to the kitchen. I already have a pained expression on my face. I tell my parents that I can't go to school because my of headache and they look at me with disdainful eyes.
They give me a lecture of what happens when I have too little school attendence and that I'll never be able to get a job when I'm not going to school. Then I go back to bed and spend the whole day in it. That causes me backpain aswell, but I don't care because I already have so much pain.

There were only some days that were at least half painless so I could go to school and didn't lose the place in my class. 

I want go to school. That's why I'm starting the same class now for the third time.
I want a normal life and I don't want other people to judge me by my pain, that's why I've switched schools. 

I am standing at the bus station with my headphones on maximal volume. Strange. The only thing I can tolerate with a headache is music. The only thing that helps me to forget the world around me is music.
I am nervously biting my nails. My stomach is going crazy...I don't know how to describe it better.

Half an hour later, I arrive at my new school and hopefully, new life without people looking at me with fake sympathy and judging faces. Yes, I decided to keep my headache a secret. A painful secret. Nobody could see my pain and nobody understands me anyways.

I head to my classroom and my heart is pumping to it's limits.
I open the door and immediately feel  twenty-nine pairs of eyes on me. 
The teacher slowly stands up and clears his throat. 
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" he asks confused.
Could this situation become any more akward?

"I am Lu Han, I'm the new student in this class and I have...uh...I meant I am seventeen" I stutter. 

Yes, it can become more akward.

"Uh...okay...well then take a seat and I've to get a new list, because I only have an old one and you're not on there. Class please be quiet until I come back, just a second" says the teacher before he leaves the room. 

I just remain frozen on my standing place next to the door and collect my thoughts until a boy with brownish hair speaks up and smiles: "Come on, sit down. You can sit next to me!" 

I head to the free desk next to the friendly boy immediately, so I could avoid any more akwardness.
On my other side sits a boy with strict  dark eyes, that seem to have pain in it. He has rainbow colored hair that actually doesn't fit his stern expression.

"Hey Han, my name is Baekhyun, Byun Baekhyun. Excuse me when I ask but how come that you've to do this class the third time? I mean you're seventeen and I'm fifteen. Is there a proper reason?" the brown haired boy caught my attention again. 

"Uhh...actually you can call me Luhan, it's my nickname" I try to change the topic. 

"Ah okay strange, to call you by your first and last name, but if you're used to it, it's okay. I'll call you Luhan from now on." Baekhyun says, "But you haven't answered my question yet."

I swallowed heavily. That was the question I feared the most. "Uhhh...actually I had to little attandence....and have headp...",I correct myself immediately, "I have had bad grades." I look qdown at my fingers.

"That wasn't what you wanted to say." I heard a deep voice. I freeze.
I slowly turn to my left and lose myself in the darkness of those eyes with the pained expression. 

"Thhhat...wa-as..what I wanted to say" I stuttered.

The rainbow haired boy stands up and leaves the classroom.

"Don't wonder, Sehun is always like that. He's a very quiet person and doesn't like the people around him, he doesn't like loud noises, except for music and I believe that he often feels alone and wants to kill himself, even though he has this ridiculous haircolor." Baekhyun jokes.
Well that kinda sounds like me.
"Don't joke about him, don't you see that he's in pain?! Don't you see he needs something else than bad jokes?! You really can't see it..." I mumble and stand up to leave the classroom because the teacher isn't there yet. Baekhyun shouts my name and calls me to come back but I ignore him and head straight to the bathroom.

My sight is getting blurry and I want to be alone because my headache is getting worse. 
I open the door and let myself in, than I quickly close it and slide down the wall next to me until I am sitting on the cold tiles while hugging my knees. 
I felt something warm on my cheek and touched my face. My hand feels wet. I'm crying and I didn't even notice it.

"Why me?! Why does it have to be me?! Why can't I have a normal life like everybody else?! Why the does it have to be me?!" I cried out.

I hear a soft sob and freeze. There is another person in one of the stalls. I'm not alone. .
I convince myself to stay silent and wait. 
A short period of time later I hear a clicking noise and a person comes out of the toilet. I wish I could burry myself now, instead I'm just remaining on the floor making myself smaller than I am, hoping the other person doesn't notice me.

He's washing his hands and I expect a clicking noise from the door next, a sign that I am alone again.

Suddenly I feel a hand caressing my head. It felt so good, the headache became better. I slowly look up and see Sehun crouching at my level, glancing at me with tired eyes. There's a soft smile on his lips as he lifts me up and takes me in a caring embrace without words.
I feel his heart racing. In the same tempo as mine.

We break the hug after a while and look at each other dumbfounded. 

"I'm sorry, but I just wanted to say that I understand you." Sehun mumbles after a long akward silence and tries to leave the washing room quickly. But I grab his wrist and hold him back. I look in the youngers eyes and slowly opened my mouth to say something. "Do you have headache?" 
It's just a simple question but it's taking him long to answer.

He stutters a small "Yeah, kinda" as response.

"But how do you know that I have it too?" I wondered aloud. 

"I saw it in your eyes."

That's a sentence that nobody had ever said to me before. They couldn't see it. They couldn't see in how much pain I have been for four years now. But Sehun, a person I met an hour ago sees it. He sees my pain.

I hug him again. My head feels so much better now. 

"I don't know what it is, but in your embrace my head feels so much better" Sehun mumbled into my neck. 

"Same for me." I respond. I look into his dark orbs. I can see. He could see.

Future

Sehun is my future.

We could see each others pain. 

He was the medicine I looked for for four years. 
I was the medicine he looked for.
Maybe I just needed someone that could see.

♡

THANKS FOR READING 

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(A/N) 

Thanks for reading. This story meant a lot to me. It's based on real experience and I still have headaches up until now... well you could say I haven't found "my personal Sehun" yet xD...

I don't seek for sympathy so please don't pity me...I can't stand that...I just wanted to share it and tell people who have the same or a similar issue to don't give up yet. Life is too beautiful to waste...I've learned that :) and maybe there's someone who will understand...

Yours, Anji ♡