Contradicting Heart

To him, love is something shallow. Your brain produces some unwanted hormones in incredibly useless amount. Love is something temporary that makes you fly high to the seventh heaven only to crush you into thousands of pieces that can’t be mend again. Love is something ridiculous and stupid. How can you willingly do everything to someone else without a guarantee of them giving it back to you with at least the same amount with you? It’s impossible and ridiculous.

“You have such a beautiful voice, Jaehwan-ah.”

Yet with that words only, he feels his legs are going to give up anytime soon, if not for him sitting on a chair. Sudden nervousness takes over him and suddenly his tongue gets twisted. To him, love is something shallow. Yet, here he is. Being helplessly in love with his old friend named Jung Taekwoon. He knows he will be one who hurts in the end because that friend of his does not belong to him. That simple yet meaningful ring adoring his ring finger gives him heart-wrenching reminder.

He’s already taken.

That’s why love is shallow.

“R-really? Yours is more beautiful, hyung.”

Yes, Lee Jaehwan is such stupid and ridiculous person.

Because He Is Precious Too

His name is Cha Hakyeon. The three of them have been friends since university years. Hakyeon came into their world, Jaehwan and Taekwoon’s, when Jaehwan got into an accident. Hakyeon was the one who called the ambulance and accompanied him until Taekwoon came. That’s how the three of them becomes friends. Jaehwan is grateful because, really, Hakyeon is such wonderful person. He believes, nearly always, that Hakyeon is actually an angel. Because no way such person exists, if not he’s an angel in a mission. Sometimes, he questions himself whether he deserves such a great person to be his friend or not. Him, someone who doesn’t have anything to be proud of, except for his voice. He’s just someone who has two wonderful people besides him to cover his flaws.

“Hi guys, I made lunch for us three. Let’s eat it together. Woon-ah, stop teasing Jaehwanie. Jaehwanie, Hyung brought you your favorite chocolate milk. Do you want some?”

Because he is precious too.

That’s why he just sits there, with half sincere smile on his face. Enviousness and happiness are fighting inside him, deciding which one is going to be the winner. Enviousness because it’s not him, happiness because it’s not him too. Because he wants him, but he deserves better too.

Selfless Person

It hurts him.

It hurts seeing someone you dearly love belongs to someone else. But you can’t help it. They’re so meant to be, perfecting their already perfect selves. Their engagement is from their families. Apparently, their moms were best friends when they were high school. Nonetheless, they look great together. Is this how it feels to witness people complementing each other perfectly?

Leaves falling from its tree, riding a wind to travel to different places. Sun shines brightly, warming himself for a while before the clouds cover a way its warmth. Laughter and smiles fill the place.

Hakyeon takes Jaehwan’s hand and holds it. Jaewhan looks at their hands.

He smiles, sincere one this time.

Black and White

“Yah! Jung Taekwoon! Give it back to me!”

“Never.”

He sees them chasing each other, Taekwoon with a wallet in his hand and Hakyeon trying to take it back. Laughter fills the place before horror takes place.

Hakyeon clutches his chest before falls onto the ground. Taekwoon and Jaehwan run to him.

“Hyung! Wake up!”

“Yeon, wake up! Stop joking! It’s not funny!”

Ambulance moves at its fastest speed, bringing crying hopeless friends inside.

Jaehwan sees his precious friend lying on the bed unconscious and pale. He puts his hands together and prays. Nothing will happen to him and everything will be alright. He wishes the time will stop and take them back to the time they play together without this sad drama.

The sandglass is full, now it’s time to turn it over. The once untainted picture now has some black stains here and there.

Spring and Storm

“Looks like he has a heart failure. He won’t stay for long if he doesn’t get a donor.”

Jaehwan feels like life is such a comedy. Just minutes ago they were playing together and now? This? Hakyeon? Cha Hakyeon? Him of all people? Why? How? He doesn’t get it.

Besides him, Taekwoon is crying like there’s no tomorrow. He holds Hakyeon’s hand with all of his might. Sunray shines onto the rings on their pinkies.

They’re engaged.

Jaehwan can imagine how much Taekwoon hurt right now. When the world trying to take the one you love from you. The pain is unbearable and you feel like dying each second passes. Hunger is meaningless. Deprivation is a state of mind. Only true living requires fuel, and you are merely surviving. There is thunder in your thoughts, despair coursing through your blood and a numbness clouding your eyes. Confusion, anger, and shame infiltrate your bones. Your heart is scorched and spasming. The torment twists you blind and the wonder of the world is left unseen. But he still has to put a smile on his face.

Because that’s how Jaehwan felt when Taekwoon and Hakyeon announced their engagement.

The cherry blossom petals are falling from its tree, flutter in the breeze. The earth wears a colorful garment. The sound of chirping chicks fills the air. The moon is like a phantom silver orb. A pageant of smells floats in the spring air and a horde of dandelions litter the meadow. The meadow smells pear fresh. There is a blossom sweet taste to the food we ate.

Spring is coming.

Yet there’s this heavy storm inside Jaehwan’s heart. Ragging and wrecking him slowly and painfully.

Wish and Choice

He looks at the ceiling of the hospital. It looks boring and clean. People rushing here and there. Bitter and strong smell of medicines greets his nose. He hates being in the hospital, always been, especially after his accident. Hospital offers you two news, good and bad, and he hates the later so much. He looks at the note in his hand. His mind wanders to the place where he can find his answer to his impossible wishes. A place where everything is possible.

His favorite place, beside his side.

He looks at the clock above the door. He sees as it passes seconds by seconds, minutes by minutes. He looks at the note in his hand once again. He has to make a choice. He rises from his seat and walks. The steps feel heavier than usual, but he knows he has to.

“Hyung, do you have a minute? I want to talk to you for a moment.”

“Can’t we talk here? I need to watch over Hakyeon. He had a moment last night. I’m afraid it will happen again.”

“It won’t take you long. Just ten minutes.”

“I can’t Jaehwan-ah. What do you want to talk about?”

“Five minutes, hyung.”

“Jaehwan-ah.”

“One minute. Hyung, please.”

He wishes he could be in that favorite place of him. Where Taekwoon could give him one minute of his time. Because Jaehwan already gives him all of his time.

Miracle Is Real

“Don’t push yourself too much, you will overwork your heart. Walk slowly.”

“I’m not, Woon-ah. Don’t worry.”

“Still, you need to be careful with your heart. What if you get an attack out of a sudden?”

“Alright. Don’t worry about myself, worry about yourself instead. When will you confess to him?”

“I-I don’t know. I’m not ready yet. Plus it’s too sudden. We just broke off our engagement weeks ago. I haven’t even told Jaehwanie yet.”

“What? How could you? Oh my God. It’s my fault, right. It’s because of my heart failure, right? Oh my God. I’m sorry Woon.”

“It’s okay, Yeon. Plus, it’s not the right time yet.”

“Okay then. I’ll try to heal as fast as possible so that you can confess to Jaehwanie faster. And don’t worry about my mom. She understands it better now.”

“Thanks. Yeon. I owe you a lot.”

“Make sure to bring me my banana milk every day.”

“Of course I will.”

“By the way, I haven’t seen Jaehwanie these days. Is he busy?”

“He said he went somewhere for few days. He said he would be back with a good news.”

“Good news? What is it? Can it be? Jaehwanie got accepted into M&M?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t told me yet.”

“Oh my God. That would be great. I can’t wait to see Jaehwanie performs in front of that big hall. Musical actor Lee Jaehwan. And his lover, Jung Taekwoon. Isn’t that great? Hehehehe.”

“Stop that.”

“Aigoo~~ Our hamster is shy~~ Aigoo~~”

Because miracle is real.

To You Who Wait Patiently

Taekwoon slings the bag on his shoulders. Today is a good day.

“Man, finally. Hospital is such a boring place.”

“That’s why you should stop to be sick.”

“I won’t. Don’t worry. By the way, did Jaehwanie contact you yet?”

“No. I tried to call him but I couldn’t reach his number.”

“Did he go to the countryside?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m sure he won’t be gone for long. His birthday is three days from now.”

“Yeah. I hope so.”

“So, have you prepared you confession yet? You don’t have many days left.”

“Yeah. It’s just a simple one. Jaehwanie told me once that he wanted it to be simple yet meaningful. That’s why I prepare a music sheet for him.”

“Dude, you call that simple?”

“Well, I’m a music major so yeah.”

“You’re impossible you know.”

“Thanks but I know that.”

To you who waits patiently, there will always be an answer to your questions. To you who waits patiently, there will always be a surprise for you.

“I’m sorry, but are you Jung Taekwoon? Do you perhaps know Lee Jaehwan?”

The Choice

He walks slowly in the night quiet night with a white small paper note in his right hand. He looks up to the sky. The moon shines with its brightest light. He stops to see his surrounding, some people are walking fast to avoid the cold night breeze, some people are selling warm foods and drinks to make other warm, some people are enjoying the music the musician play, etc.

It’s cold, but the smiles on their faces warm his body. He takes a deep breath. He clutches the paper in his right hand. He walks forward, to the quiet cold night. Heading to the place he’s been wanting to go. He’s welcomed with a bright blinding light. He smiles, I’m home.

It’s a cold night. And those smiling faces turn into sad ones.

Please bring me to Seoul Hospital and give my heart to a patient name Cha Hakyeon.

What is Live?

Taekwoon feels like he’s just struck with thunder. How can this be? How can this be? It can’t be true. He had perfect plans for them. He imagined them being old, grey and wrinkly together, with Jaehwan nags him for his laziness and Taekwoon shuts him up with hugs and kisses. Two dogs beside them ready to play with them. A big piano for them to play and serenade each other.

It can’t be true. It can’t be true. Not today. Not on this good day. Not today. It’s three days until his birthday. Three days until his confession. Not today. Not today, please. Someone, please wake him up from this nightmare.

Miracle is real, but not for free.

He chooses to come home. Where everything is possible. Where he doesn’t need to feel pain. Unknown to him, he’s home even down there. Because someone is ready to give him heaven, just that he offers it a little bit late.