It's college application season for us seniors.

In the hallways of the school, everyone was busy preparing for it.

Nothing was like before, the words 'college' would always appear in every single conversation.

The week before winter break, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends, Taeyeon and SeoHyun.

Taeyeon looked at me, "So have you decided where would you be applying to for college yet?"

I just shrugged, "Who cares about college anyways? It's just like high school all over again except it's more boring."

"You can't say that! College is preparing us to be responsible adults in the future. With a college degree, we could get a good job and have a secure future" exclaimed SeoHyun.

I ignored them and continue eating my fries.

"OMG, Kim JongHyun at your 6 o'clock!" squealed Taeyeon.

As I turned around there he was, Kim JongHyun. The coolest and most popular boy in school.

His smile could kill a hundred girls just like that.

He is part of the president of student council and president of the yearbook community as well.

He also sings, really well. Apparently, he participated in a nationwide singing competition and got first runner-up, which pushed up his popularity in our school. Basically, everyone believes that they are in the presence of a star.

Needless to say, Taeyeon and SeoHyun are his fangirls as well.

He sat with his best buddies- Onew, Taemin, Key and Minho. All of them are eye candies to be honest. 

But I never really fancied them as much as these two weirdos do.

"Taeyeon, SeoHyun. You two need to calm down. It's not like he knows you or anything. Why do you even fangirl over him?"

I shook my head and was about to leave.

"Where are you going?" asked SeoHyun.

"To take a walk, I need to clear my mind for a moment. I'll text you guys later bye."

I hated being in there, I hated the purpose of this whole education system.

My mind kept thinking what SeoHyun said earlier. Do I really need to go to college in order to get a secure future?

I have started a couple college applications. I just don't know how to complete them. Especially when choosing my major. 

What should I even major in? I'm not good at anything particular, and I don't even know what my future career path will be like.

I walked to the back of the school. My secret hideout.

I always go there whenever I need a breather. 

I took out a cigarette from my pocket and light up a cig.

I took a big puff and let out the smoke. 

"Mine if I have a cig as well?"

I jumped, no one should know this place except me. The only other person who knows about this place is...gone.

I turned around to see, Kim JongHyun?

"What are you doing here? You scared the living daylight out of me!"

"Hey, I asked the question first."

"Fine with me" I passed him my pack of cigarettes.

He lit up one and took a big puff as well. 

"Thanks, I needed that."

I look at him, "So what do I owe the pleasure of the most popular guy in school to ask a cig from me?"

"Same as you I suppose, just needed the air and some space to breath."

I smirked. "Don't we all need that sometimes."

He laughed, "So what's on your mind?"

"Life and it's not interesting. What about you?"

"Life as well," smiled JongHyun.

I hated his smile so much. I hated his guts. He was about to leave but before that I stopped him.

"Wait, how did you know about this place?"

"She told me about this place once but I never really came here. Today is my first time."

I froze, did he mean her? But she told me, she had never told anyone about this place. It was supposed to be our secret hideout.

I put down my cig and stepped on it.

"Well, it was a nice talk. See you around next time."

"Wait!" he called out, "Can I visit her sometime?"

My hands trembled as I clenched it, I was trying to hold my tears in.

"Don't you even think about it, Kim JongHyun."

---

After school, I got into my car and drove with no destination in mind. I just drove. 

When I stopped, I realized where I was.

Even when I didn't think where my destination would be, I still wound up here.

I turned off my engine, took off my safety belt and got out of my car.

My steps were slow and heavy as I head to my destination.

I didn't even look where I was going but my feet knew where to go anyways. 

I haven't been here for almost 6 months but the pain is still buried in my mind.

As my feet stopped, I realized I was there. 

When I looked up, there she was looking at me. Smiling. The same eyes and mouths.

"Hey you idiot, how has it been. I'm sorry I haven't been here for a while. How has everything been going, sis?"

I stopped, expecting a reply but there was no use. How could a picture of her reply me? She's gone.

Tears started coming out of my eyes once more.

"JongHyun came up to me today, at our secret hideout. He said you told him. Did you? I was a bit disappointed in you when he said you told him but you know I will never hate you. I miss you sis."

---

FLASHBACK

She came back one day, smiling from ear to ear. 

"You look happy today sis. What's gotten into you?" I asked.

"You won't believe it but KIM FREAKING JONGHYUN JUST ASKED ME OUT AND I SAID YES!"

My eyes bulged. 

"NO WAY, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" and I gave her a big big hug.

She had the longest crush on him and I am so happy she and him finally got together.

And they were the cutest couple together.

He would pick her up from our house and drop her home. She would always ask me to join them but I was like 'NO' and it would feel awkward for me.

We were the best twins ever and the only twins in our high school. We weren't identical twins but fraternal.

The only similarity we have was our eyes and mouths. 

Then one night, she went out to a party with him at Minho's house. I was invited too but I had to work so I had no choice but to pass on it.

I remember how she dressed that night, in a cute black dress which black heels. She was wearing our matching heart necklaces. 

I remember complimenting her, "Girl, you look so pretty tonight! OMG, JongHyun will die with the sight of you."

They had been going out for about a year now.

She smiled, "Thank you so much. I wish you could come tonight. Summer has just begun!"

I shook my head, "You know I have to work and it was too last minute to change my shift. I'll be there for the next one. Make sure to tell JongHyun to invite me!"

Just then, JongHyun reached our house and was honking. "I promise! I'll see you later!"

"See you!" I replied.

I was babysitting our neighbors' child that night and we were watching a Barbie movie.

After tucking the kids to bed, I was just sitting in their living room waiting for their parents to come home when I got the call.

It was from my mom.

"Hey mom, what's-"

"Get to the hospital right now! I've called the neighbors, they understand and are on their way back so get here right now!"

I was flustered, "Mom, what's going on?"

I could hear her sobbing from the other line. "Your sister got into a car crash."

Time froze in that instant and I couldn't hear what else she was saying. I got into my car and rushed straight to the hospital.

I went to the emergency room and there was my mom sobbing with my dad. 

"Mom! Dad! What's going on. Is sis doing ok? What happen?"

"She got into a car accident as she was coming home. Her idiot boyfriend was drunk driving and they crashed into an oncoming truck."

What? JongHyun? What did hell did he get her into?

As hours which felt like years passed, the doctor finally came out from the surgery room and he walked over to us.

"I'm so sorry but she didn't make it. The impact was too severe and had-"

My mind went blank. 

KIM JONG HYUN KILLED MY SISTER.

"What about the guy? I asked what about him? Did he make it?" Tears were streaming down my face but I need to know if that murderer survived.

"Ah yes, yes he did. He just got out of surgery and should be fine in a couple of weeks."

Fury and rage engulfed me. He killed her and he gets to live? How could he do that.

He got better during summer while I was mourning throughout the entire summer.

---

I went home that evening after spending a couple of hours talking to her. Telling her about what should I do in the future? What career path should I choose?

He was there. Sitting on my porch.

"What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my home right now!"

He never looked up and I could hear him sniffling? Nevertheless, I don't care.

"What are you waiting for? GET OUT AND LEAVE RIGHT NOW!" anger was rising in me.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Well, sorry isn't going to bring her back to life. Now is it?"

"I shouldn't have drank too much that night. It was my fault. I-"

"OF COURSE IT IS YOUR FAULT. WE ALL KNOW THAT. YOU KILL HER AND HERE YOU ARE SITTING ON MY PORCH AND YOU HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE BUT SHE DOESN'T. SHE'S GONE AND YOU KILLED HER!"

He looked up and I realized he was crying too.

"I know it is my fault and I want to say I am so sorry for all those things but please. Can I see her once more before I-"

"Before what, JongHyun?"

He shaked his head. "It's nothing but I am begging you, can I see her once more?"

"Alright. Meet me at that spot tomorrow after class. I'll bring you to her."

He smiled weakly. "Thank you, thank you so much."

---

The next day after class, I went there immediately and lit up a cigarette while waiting for him.

"Hey sorry I'm late. Let's go."

I shrugged and got into my car.

I didn't want to engage in any conversation with him, but I am just taking him there because I am sure she still loved him even when she passed.

"So, are there any colleges that you are looking into?"

Silence.

"What would your future major be like?"

Silence.

"Well, I don't have anything in mind as well. I think I will probably stay in this town and see how it goes."

"You should major in music. I've heard you sing its good."

"Ah and she finally speaks."

"I'm doing this for her. On the inside, I still hate you but I know she still loves you even though she's gone. She'd never stopped talking about you in the past. She loved you so much."

"Thank you then."

I nodded as I kept driving.

"I only got together with her because she understood me. She was my shining star while I was just a black dog. I was worthless but she made me happier. She was the one for me, so I had to see her one last time before-"

"Before what?"

He sighed, "Before life continues to push me forward."

Sooner or later, we reached the destination. I parked my car, "We're here."

I got down the car and looked at him, "Follow me"

He quietly followed me and I guided him to her final resting place.

"We're here."

He looked up and when he saw her picture. He broke down.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I love you and I always will. Thank you for that year, and soon I will-"

I got a phone call from my mom at that moment but listening to that weird conversation, it sounded like he wanted to?

I must be thinking things way to much.

After an hour, he came out and took my hand.

"Thank you so much. Really thank you."

"No problem."

Before we left, I turned around and looked at her.

"Hey sis! We're leaving now! I'll see you next time! Your good for nothing boyfriend here is so annoying haha but I know he has a certain charm that you will always love."

As we got on to our car, he asked if we could go to the convenience store.

I dropped him there as he went to get some snacks and a lighter.

He offered me some snacks which I declined. 

I dropped him at an apartment which clearly isn't his because I've been to his place before.

"Is this your new place?"

"Ah no. I'm meeting someone here today but thank you so much for today."

"No problem, but JongHyun can I ask you something?"

He looked at me.

"Is everything ok? I mean I heard you talking to her earlier and I thought I heard you say something about-. I mean I hope you don't really think everything is your fault I was just angry at you but I've already put that part of me behind. I want you to know it's never your fault and I hope that you didn't take what I said to you to heart. I mean you sing very well all the time and I-"

And then he hugged me.

"Thank you for that. Thank you. I'm glad that you complimented me and I'm glad that you and your sister both appreciated me but I guess, I still killed her didn't I?"

"Nonononoono Jong Hyun what are you thinking of? Please I have a bad feeling. Is everything all right?"

He smiled and patted my hair, "It's nothing really. I do miss her too and I do feel guilty but tell me this one thing. Did I do well?"

I nodded, "You've did well so far and I hope you will do well in the future. Please at least for the sake of my sister and I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions earlier."

He gave me a hug. "You know, I totally understand why you guys are twins now. Your personalities are so alike. Well I'll be off now. Thanks for today!"

"See you!"

However, I just couldn't shake the bad feeling that I had. 

I remember that he left a letter of some sort by her later.

So I pressed hard on the accelerator and rushed back.

As I walked back to the dreadful walls, I saw that he placed a letter a by her side but it my name was on it.

"Hey, I know you would have read this sooner or later. By the time you are reading this, I will be gone. From the world or from the school who knows? I am still so torn apart. As I am broken from the inside. The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole and I could not defeat it. Only I was utterly alone. It's easy to talk about the end. It's hard to actually end it. What can I say. Just tell me I've done well. That this is good enough. That I've worked hard. even if you can't smile don't fault me on my way, You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye."

No, this can't be. 

I dialed his number but he wasn't answering. 

I went to the apartment he told me off but he wasn't there. 

I went to his house and he wasn't there too.

I was panicking, I hope I didn't drive him to the edge.

As I went to class each passing day, he wasn't there as well.

His police reported him missing and nobody knew what happened to him.

Nobody except me, but I don't know where he is.

I hope he is doing well.

But then on Sunday 12/18, the police found him or should I say his body. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning

He is gone.

And I wasn't strong enough to keep him pushing on with life. 

I felt so stupid and so useless at that and I feel like I could have done better.

Was it because of my harsh words that pushed him away?

I wish I could have done something to save him.

But one week later, I received a letter.

As I opened it, I realized it was his handwriting.

Inside he wrote this,

"Hey you, first of all I am sorry. By the time you are reading this I am sure you might have already realized what had happened to me.

But I need you to understand this. None of this was your fault. 

It was all me. It was all the voice in my head.

You remind me so much of your sister. 

And that night when she died, I felt so guilty. I shouldn't have driven that night. She told me not to drive but I told her that she will be alright.

But look what I have done.

You did catch on to what I was thinking off. 

But to be honest, I have been like this for a while. When I got together with your sister, she saw me who I really was. She gave me hope and killing her, killed a huge chunk of me as well.

Don't blame yourself. 

I should thank you anyways, you allowed me to look at her for one last time and I hope that I will be able to see her in the afterlife.

And thank you, for saying I did well. Thank you so much."

I went to his funeral, tears streaming non-stop.

I placed a rose and a cigarette by his coffin. 

"Hey you, if you see her. Make sure you treat my sister well. Here's a cig to contemplate about life and its wonders. You lived a good one."

---

[A/N] Here it is. My tribute to JongHyun. I cried so much during his passing but we all need to understand and move on. Not moving on as in forgetting but move on from the mourning stage, we should celebrate his life instead of mourning his death because Kim JongHyun, the bling bling of Shinee. You did well. Don't be lonely. You did well.

The part highlighted in aqua blue *Shinee's official color* was copied from his exact suicide note. I had to use it here in order to truly understand how he felt.

Suicide and depression is not something that one should hide away from. If you are someone or knows someone who is suffering. Please don't be afraid to reach out and contact someone here.