To my dearest, precious Dino pup

It's been hard for you and now I pray that you will only find happiness wherever you are at right now. You helped me when I was down, healing me with your voice and your wonderful personality. You inspired me.. You made me a better person. I wish with all my might that this was just a bad dream I could wake up from, that I could somehow magically transport myself to you and stop this all before it happened. Alas, my wish was not fulfilled simply because God wanted you to come back home after you did your job here to touch the hearts of thousands of lives who found peace and comfort through your words... I'll never say goodbye.. For this is never a farewell.. I'll see you later... Not today, maybe not even in 20 years but I'll see you again one day... Be happy, KIM JONGHYUN.. You did well.. Now go and be by God's side and look after the rest of the boys as well as us too... I Love you... Don't forget to shower your love to us once in a while so that we can know that you are happy up there...

We will help to protect and care for those who you have left behind. I promise you that they will be well-loved by us.

Thank you once again for coming into my life.. You did well... In fact, you did AMAZING...

My thoughts on this...

I still remembered that day clearly. 18th December... I had just ended work and was about to eat my scallop and ebi bento dinner when my whatsapp group exploded with tons of messages. Words of anxiety and disbelief were what I saw in those messages which led me to go to my Twitter to see the posts. Bad idea coz it made it worse. A flurry of different accounts and different news articles soon flooded in with majority of it being bad news. That was the start of an emotional roller coaster especially when you have posts that said contradicting news. I felt a bit anxious and worried and scared but mostly, a sense of loss and numbness. As someone who had dealt with death plenty of times in her profession, I knew what's the outcome would be like and yet my brain refused to accept it.

Part of me wanting to bargain with God, to travel back in time to prevent this from happening. To tell Jonghyun that there are so many of us who was inspired by him and the boys, who felt reassured by his warm voice during those days when our own personal demons tried to take over. To make him feel so loved that he would eventually decide to stay instead of leaving. I have so many things to say to him that I could not simply be done within one hour or so. I have this bucket list to see his concert live in person, to go for his fansigns etc. I guess it's something that will never be striked out now..

The day of the funeral hit me so bad that I could not stop crying at work. It was hard to let him go and yet, I know I have to. He would want us to.. So, I'm trying my best to imagine him being happier at wherever he would be right now. Smiling down at us and kep on giving us signs here and there to say "Hey, I'm still here with you and I'm never going to leave you..."

Slowly, I'm able to listen to their songs as well as his own solo songs. At times, the hole seemed big but at times, it seemed smaller. I guess it will never truly go away. I know the rest of them needs us too so I'm going to be strong for them as well.

HUGS to all who needs it.. I luv u all.. Please do take care, dear family....