Sometimes Taekwoon wishes he could turn his thoughts off like a light switch, let them shut down for a few hours, or days or years, and just live in peace. Sleeping is kind of like that he thinks, but with sleeping you miss things that happen in the real world, and not all sleep is peaceful. Taekwoon likes being awake and living, he just wants to be able to do so in peace without any of these thoughts getting in the way.

"Taekwoon?" Hakyeon gently shakes his shoulder, snapping him out of his thinking and bringing him back to where they're currently at - Hakyeon's favorite clothing shop in the mall, Christmas shopping. Or, they were supposed to be Christmas shopping. Hakyeon had gotten off track and started to try on clothes to buy for himself. "You're spacing out, are you okay? We can go home if you want, I'll come back with Hongbin sometime."

Taekwoon tenses up at the sound of Hongbin, Hakyeon's friend and coworker, who happens to be very pretty and very rich. Maybe he's a little jealous. "No Hongbin," he says.

Hakyeon, who thinks his jealousy is adorable, laughs. "Okay, no Hongbin," he agrees, then holds up two sweaters. "Which color would look best on me? Red or black?"

"I thought we're Christmas shopping," Taekwoon says instead, avoiding Hakyeon's question because it gives him nervousness, for some reason unknown. 

"We are Christmas shopping. I'm buying myself a present!"

Hakyeon begins to laugh again at his own joke, and Taekwoon tries to at least give him a smile but suddenly he's hyperaware of all the noises around him - Hakyeon's laugh, the Christmas carol that's playing from the store's speakers, the click clack of the employee's heels, a baby shaking its rattle from a stroller. He starts to furiously scratch at his ears, trying to lessen all of the sounds that threaten to throw him over the edge. 

"Hey, Taekwoon," Hakyeon pulls his hands away. "Let's go home. We'll order food and watch a film."

Taekwoon hates to cut Hakyeon's shopping short, but he nods in agreement. He knows staying in the mall any longer will eventually lead to him breaking down, and he doesn't want that. It's been a long time since he last did and he wants it to stay that way. He's been so good.

The ride home feels long and quiet. There's lots of snow on the ground outside. Usually by now Taekwoon would be out playing in it with Bibi, making snow angels and snowmen but he hasn't been in the mood. He doesn't know why. 

Hakyeon is the opposite. He's really into Christmas. He's decorated the tree, and he wakes Taekwoon up every morning singing Christmas carols. He's tried to get Taekwoon into the spirit a few times without success. It was why he dragged him along to the mall today, hoping shopping would help. It hasn't.

At home, Taekwoon picks out a film while Hakyeon orders chicken. As soon as he hangs up, he slaps a palm to his forehead. "Oh noo, I forgot."

"The dipping sauce?" Taekwoon asks as he clicks through the movies on Netflix . "You always forget."

"No, no," Hakyeon sighs, sitting down next to him. "Tonight's Hongbin's Christmas party. I completely forgot."

Taekwoon frowns. Every year, Hongbin has a Christmas party. Taekwoon went to it last year with Hakyeon, and it wasn't fun. His house smelled too strongly of air freshener and his partner, Sanghyuk, annoyed Taekwoon all night with jokes he didn't understand. The snacks were disgusting and Hongbin's tiny Pomeranian nipped him several times. 

He doesn't care about going again, and Hakyeon already knows. "You can go," he says, answering Hakyeon's unspoken question.

"Are you sure?" Hakyeon asks worriedly. "I won't if you need me here, I don't mind."

Taekwoon nods, eventhough he's not sure at all, but Hakyeon already missed shopping because of him and he doesn't want him to miss the Christmas party either. It wouldn't be fair to him.

It isn't long before the party starts now so Hakyeon starts to get ready, takes a shower and wears the new black sweater he bought. The chicken comes and Taekwoon starts on it, disappointed but not surprised that Hakyeon has indeed forgotten to ask for dipping sauce again. He chooses some random, low budget romantic comedy to watch, not really caring anymore, anything is fine.

Hakyeon gives him a lot of kisses before leaving, and promises to be back soon, and reminds Taekwoon to take his medicine after he eats. Taekwoon nods at everything, hearing the words but not really registering them. He feels cold when Hakyeon shuts the door behind him, hearing the car crank up and then leave. 

He curls up in his quilt on the couch, and tries to watch the movie but loses interest after ten minutes. The acting is awful and romance movies have never been his favorite anyway. He shuts it off. 

It's quiet. Taekwoon likes quiet, but there's good and bad kinds and this quiet right now is bad. He starts counting out loud to fill in the quiet and to distract him, numbers are really calming. Numbers never change and are always in the same exact place, it doesn't matter how much time passes or how many times you count through them, they're the same. Taekwoon thinks more things should be like numbers. 

He continues to count as he goes back to eating more chicken, saying numbers in between bites. He counts as he goes to the kitchen, takes his medicine with a glass of water, then stops after he hits four hundred because his voice is getting too sore. Bibi meows up at him, asking for a few chicken bones and Taekwoon gives them to him. He's surprised when he checks the time and sees that not even an hour has gone by. 

Taekwoon soons finds himself sitting in their bedroom closet. He thinks about turning his thoughts off like a light switch again. He'd switch them off and then go to the mall or Christmas party with no worries, and have good times, and would probably never turn them back on again. His face is a little wet and his hand is stinging, he's not sure why. 

Bibi scratches at the closet door and meows, knowing his owner is on the other side. Taekwoon lets the cat in and keeps him in his lap. He purrs loudly as Taekwoon runs his fingers through his fur, the softest fur ever. Taekwoon can feel his eyes getting sleepy, and it's not long before he dozes off.

After some time, he wakes up, at first slightly alarmed when he realizes through his sleepy state that someone is over him, arms gathering around him as he's lifted up. Of course, the someone is just Hakyeon, and he melts into his arms, his own going around the other's neck. He's so glad he's home.

"I'm heavy," he mumbles, and Hakyeon chuckles.

"You're really not," he says, pressing a kiss to Taekwoon's forehead. It's not a long walk at all to their bed, where Taekwoon's slowly lowered into it and then his quilt is laid over him. Hakyeon leans over him, worry in his face, his hands going to wipe at Taekwoon's damp cheeks. Taekwoon hadn't even realize he was still shedding tears. 

"You're bleeding," Hakyeon says, and takes Taekwoon's left hand. He's right, Taekwoon can see that he must have been picking at his skin again at some point. He doesn't remember. Hakyeon gets bandages and cleans it up for Taekwoon as he lays in bed, looks up at Hakyeon and takes in every detail of him. It's really good to see him.

"Did you have fun?" he asks, finding his voice again.

Hakyeon nods. "I did. I would ask you the same but.." he trails off, finishing up the bandaging. "I didn't mind staying here."

"I know."

"Why didn't you ask me to then?"

"I don't know." Taekwoon's suddenly really tired again, unable to discuss this right now. "Not talking."

"Okay, maybe not tonight but we'll have to some time." Hakyeon bends down to kiss his cheek. "Get some rest, alright?"

"Alright," Taekwoon answers, and as soon as he does he falls asleep again.

Hakyeon forces Taekwoon out of the house again the next day. They go to the bank, dry cleaners, and the pharmacy to