Despite the cool autumn air generously blowing around me, I felt like I could barely breathe. The leaves fell down, one by one, scattered around me. I feel like the leaves symbolize my thoughts. The different colors, shapes, sizes, positions, each combined to make one mess of a pile surround this tree.

 

I lean back, the rough bark scratching against my back. I shiver with my thin jacket that I am wearing. I didn’t really think to grab anything better, I just had to leave. To walk, to think, to just get out of the house that felt like it was suffocating me.

 

I pick up a leaf and carefully observe it. It was of course unique, unlike the many others that surround me. It was red and orange, several blemishes scattered about it, the texture beginning to be slightly crunchy from death. I close my fist around it, and open it back up to find bits of remains. The wind blows them out of my hand, and I watch them blow away. 

 

I grab an old napkin that was somehow in my pocket and wipe my nose. It’s sore from the constant tissue abuse. I had been crying, and when your eyes go, so does your nose.

 

My eyes are still lined with tears, but they stay lazily on the edge, not daring to spill over. I close and open my eyes several times but it stays this way.

 

I sit balled up, knees to my chest, and put my head down. My breathing comes in quick fast shallow breaths, and I feel like I cannot breathe. The lay tears finally spill over and I feel them one by one, rolling down my cheek, and soaking into my jeans. My nose goes too but I’ve given up. What was the point?

 

My mind plays our conversation on replay, every note and pitch crystal clear. He’s pause, his deep inhale, the hurt. The tears that had spilled out of his own eyes with haste, pushed over the edge by me. Why was I like this? Why do I hurt the people I love the most? Why?

 

He had asked ‘why’ as well. Over and over again, and I could not answer. I looked so deep inside myself and wondered why, but I could not find the answer. Not an excuse, not an explanation, just, nothing. I could feel the rise in his voice overtime he asked, and I just could not answer. I couldn’t even answer myself, and it was a question that had bumped around my head for months. A question that would come around overtime he would look at me, overtime he told me he loved me. Why? Why would I do this to him? Why am I loved? I don’t deserve his love.

 

He had asked if this was a sick joke. I wish it was. An untruthful voice wanting to erupt and shout, “Yes! Of course, it is!”, but never did. It would have been an untruthful answer, and those I don’t give. He begged for it to be a joke, but I knew it wouldn’t. The lump in my throat grew along with the hate and resentment I have for myself.

 

“Namjoon, I’m so sorry…” I cried, over and over. Over and over again it was said with its twin, “I love you…”. Nothing could fix it. Nothing. Not a single word would get through, the damage had been done.

 

I tried everything in my power, that Yoongi had meant nothing to me romantically, but that didn’t help. “So Jin, you’re telling me you still did it even though he meant nothing? You did it just because?” He pushed, hurt dominating every syllable. I was so choked up, my answer coming out in low squeaks, face buried in my pillow. “No, it wasn’t like that!” I insisted, but it didn’t work. It wouldn’t reverse what had been done. It only made what I did worse.

 

The week I was blessed to have Namjoon in my life, I screwed up. One night had screwed it all up. My ignorance, my stupidity, it all created a monster that took over, that would compromise everything about who I was. I would never have dreamed about something like this happening, but it just did. Why? I still am asking myself why.

 

I whip around and punch the tree hard. The blow brings a powerful pain in my hand and arm, but it only fuels me. Over and over again, abusing the tree, the tree symbolizing his heart, me literally hurting it. The bark punchers and cuts, but I don’t feel it anymore. Over and over again. I let it paint my hands. My wounds nothing compared to what I did to him. My wounds temporary, his permanent.

 

I continue for what feels like hours until I am physically worn out. I wall back to the ground, leaves providing bedding around me. I didn’t deserve bedding. I wished for the leaves to turn to hot coals. I wished so hard, but it did not happen. I sit up to examine the damage. My hands were a mess, but I didn’t feel a thing. The tree stares back at me, unmoving. I could see the damage from the outside I had caused, but I would never truly know how much damage I did. I was unknowing. I would never know. Only the tree would. Only Namjoon would.

 

His cries echo in my ears, attempting to be hidden but heard loud and clear.The sound makes my heart stop, makes me weep with him. I couldn’t be there to wipe his tears, to hold him. I couldn’t do anything. Why teleporting was not done yet is beyond me, but should have been possible. I would have sold my soul to be there, to hold him, if he would have let me. If he wouldn’t have pushed me away, disgusted to even touch me. To touch my wandering hands that had betrayed the trust, everything our relationship stood for. A single night. A single mistake, wiped it all. All that was left were the shattered remains of what was once called trust. It laid scattered in pieces, blown around in the wind.

 

I finally stand up, legs shaking like the falling leaves. I think about Yoongi. I told him I finally confessed and came clean to Namjoon, and he felt bad. He wanted to take the blame but I won’t let him. I could have stopped him, but I didn’t. Why? It was still beyond me. I broke the trust. It was me. Our relationship now hung in the balance, swinging dangerously to and fro from the wind blowing. It felt like I would have to wait an eternity before I would find out.

 

I wipe off my hands on my jacket, the grey and red mixing together like some kind of abstract art. I sniff, and I’m unable to find the napkin from before. I push back my hair that blows around in the wind, uncontrolled.

 

My eyes are swollen and ache. And ache so dull compared to the one that now lived inside Namjoon. I would never know. I would never find the perfect prescription to fix his ache either.

 

My mind fought in a vicious war, constantly attacking one another. One side that is ashamed, angry, and mercilessly punishes me. The thoughts that remind me that I’m no good, that I’m a disappointment. A liar. A cheater. They wear their spots not proud but accepting of who they were. The other side drowning in inner tears, pity, love. They knew they did wrong, but they wanted nothing but for things to work out, for things to be fixed, but they were the unrealistic bunch of the two as well. The spotted side pounded and pushed, attacked over and over again, and the swimmers cried over and over. It was so hard for them to fight against the truth, to fight against reality. They had little power at all.

 

My head pounds with this war, both side constantly arguing, altering my hopes and acceptance. I wanted Namjoon to forgive me, but why should he? There was no good reason for him to. I was scum. Nothing. Nothing but a liar and a cheater. It only took once, the fragile flower of trust wilted and died instantaneously, having to have a long recovery time, if any at all. I wanted to tend to it, water it, nurse it back to health, but I would not be able to without the supplies that only Namjoon could provide. Would he let me? Did I deserve it? I wouldn’t know for a while.

 

He needed his space. The word space suffocates me.The thought painful, to have space, no contact with the man I was deeply, irrevocably, in love with. He said it as strong as he could, over and over. I kept crying over and over, telling him I was sorry and that I loved him. The word space was almost foreign and had difficulty getting through my thick skull. “This is pathetic Jin, I need space, how many different ways to I have to say it to get you to understand?” His anger was at bay, fighting to come out with it’s pal frustration, but his self-control holding them back strongly but slightly weakening as time went on in the conversation. Was it a good sign? He could have yelled at me, been furious, but he didn’t. Why? What did this mean? 

 

The swimmers took this in to add to their argument. ‘He still loves you, he didn’t want to hurt or yell at you!’ They fired at the spots. ‘Maybe only because he’s a decent guy and is caring, that’s why you love him!’ They fired back. They refused to back down, the two sides neck and neck constantly, counterargument after counterargument. I didn’t know what to think anymore. I just let my mind be the war zone.

 

I decide to head home, and slowly make my way down the street, the spots and swimmers not holding back for nothing.

 

“Please just know I love you, please?” I pleaded, my throat sore and tightening. “Ok,” he had said plainly. My heart fell to hell. I tried so many times to get him to say ‘I love you too’ like he always had like he had up until my confession late last night. “You expect me to say that back? Seriously? Are we not being realistic?” He defends, disgust lacing the words. I couldn’t have been more ashamed. I didn’t deserve it, I know I didn’t, but I just wanted to hear it so bad, that him saying it would mean something would turn out ok. Maybe? They fought on, and the conversation had gone silent.

 

I decided to give him his space. I can’t even really say goodnight because well, what kind of sick joke would that have been?

 

I send him one last final message and he never responds. I cry the rest of the night until I sleep in brief spurts, up again after a short time, drowning in my shame once again.

 

I finally walk up to my house, white ‘For Sale’ sign swinging on the front lawn. I sniff again. I had no idea how long I would see him before my house sold, and the remainder of our time would be like this?

 

I think to the video I had made him the morning before I ran out the door, autumn breeze pushing me back, but I pushed through. The video was done in similar fashion to the ones we each just to each other previously. We had come up with the idea of making videos to have to watch when we missed each other. Our families were both in a constant limbo of moving, and we wanted to be ready, to have something. This morning I had made a video, trying to apologize. It was exactly 14 minutest of pity. I cried and paused, and spoke as much as I could but the silence and tears outnumbered my words. I still send it to him. I think he watched it, he was online after I sent it, but I would never know, he never responded. What did he think of me now? That I was more pathetic? I wouldn’t know for what would feel like an eternity. 

 

I knew he was hurting. He had changed his profile picture on his Instagram. What had once was a cuddle anime couple remained a sad guy in black and white, tears streaming down his face. I knew he was like this right now, I know it. He had also made a post about trust. I felt lower than low. I could not get up or past this. Every time seeing these things I had to get offline, I couldn’t bear to see it. 

I walk in the house to my room and check my laptop. I see he’s still online, yet not saying a word to me. It hurts, but at the time the pain feels good because I know I deserve it. The spots cheer, firing away, the swimmers finally weakening. I find a pencil in my hand scribbling away at my writing notebook before I know it what would be half a song is on the page, all for him. “My Blue Sky”.

 

I’ve had all I can handle. I lay on my bed, the armies slowly silencing as I drift off to sleep with the ‘whys’ bouncing around, the lyrics of the song slowly fading as I leave consciousness.

 

 

 

My Blue Sky:

 

I heard you cry last night

It was the worst thing I've ever heard

You just asked why

and I had no explanation

What I did was wrong,

no way to avoid it

And I broke your heart in the process 

I'll never forgive myself for this mess

Your smile (is gone)

Your Love (is gone)

and I deserve it

I know it's nothing but selfish to say

but I want you to come back my way

 

I need you love

like I need oxygen to breath

I want to erase you tears

to just go back,

But I can't

I know this

But my world would be nothing

but storms without you

I need my beautiful blue skies