I wrote this piece a couple months ago for my girlfriend's birthday. The idea really came into its own and I hope you'll enjoy this piece a little more emotional than what I've done mostly.

It’s always moments wondering where it went wrong. Where feelings, thoughts, pain. It could’ve been avoided.

What’s worse is the moments where it doesn’t matter where it started.

Tiffany remembers a night back in college, the one friend she’d made Taeyeon pulling her out to a bar and demanding they go have some fun for the weekend. Tiffany being drawn out reluctantly though Taeyeon’s insistence was the stuff of legends.

“Here, drink this.” Taeyeon offers as they sit at the bar, a glass filled with what looks like water in a shot glass.

“What is it?”

“Liquid courage.” Taeyeon grins, raising the glass, Tiffany still side eyeing the glass.

“I don’t need that.”

“Tiff, you’ve been staring at that girl over there basically since we got here. You need to go talk to her, go do your gay rituals with her.”

“Gay rituals?” Tiffany laughs, nothing else she’d expect from Taeyeon. Coming to college Tiffany saw more than anything an opportunity to experience being open with her uality. Two years later she’d only admitted it drunkenly to Taeyeon.

“She’s cute and from what I can tell she hasn’t been looking much at any guy here.”

“Tae, that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Well you’re not gonna find out if you stay here and don’t do something about it.”

“I’m not doing it, Tae you said we were going for drinks, I’m not going to just walk over to her.”

“Should’ve taken the liquid courage.” Taeyeon laughs, Tiffany groaning.

“Even if I did, Tae she’s so pretty and.. She’s so out of my league.”

And a voice she’d come to know for a long time. “She sounds like quite a girl.”

Jessica.

Meeting Jessica was a blessing in disguise, from a sly line that started them to making out in the lobby of her dorm, to the first relationship that ever left her truly happy, at least for awhile.

Years after, building a life together like every image their college dreams where nights spent eating cheap ramen and wondering what to do on barely a dime to spend and ending up dreaming about something better, their life together and it all seemed so well.

When Jessica came home wondering where Tiffany is.

Shrugging off her shoes and jacket as she walks through their apartment, barely a sign of Tiffany. Walking into the bedroom, sheets still strewn about, the pink outfit Tiffany had laid out still hung up.

“Tiffany? Sweetheart?” Jessica walks up to the closed bathroom door, turning the handle only for it to be locked “Tiff?” she tries the handle again, heart starting to race at the silence. “Tiffany!” she yells, nothing but quiet.

Kicking the door as hard as she can, ignoring the pain, slamming into it till the lock creaks and it slams open.

Tiffany unconscious on the bathroom floor, an empty pill bottle beside her limp fingers.

“Tiffany!”

Jessica remembers moments where she was scared, ones where she worried about a test in college, how much courage she had to work up to speak to Tiffany on their fateful night, anxiety for what life they could lead after, whether any dreams they had could ever come true.

Riding in an ambulance and praying that Tiffany wouldn’t leave her wasn’t like any of those. Feeling her heart pound and hands shake, begging for a sign, like it’s just a bad dream and she’d wake up in Tiffany’s arms. The constant blare of the sirens wasn’t a dream, as much as she’d hope it was.

Being left in the dark when the curtain closed, kicking and scream for Tiffany to come back, crying without a word of it to be heard.

Waiting felt like the slowest time in Jessica’s life. Hours imagining the worst, what she’d do without her. Left wondering how, why. Seeing her beaming smile in the morning, kissing her wishing she didn’t have to go to work, Tiffany pulling her close and whispering for her not to leave and stay in bed all day. Happy, Jessica wondering how it slipped by her, left to her mind, waiting, hoping.

Seeing her wake up, after a restless night and barely at the dawn, Jessica startles awake at the first rustling of the sheets, Tiffany’s eyes so barely open.

“Tiff?” she whispers, grasping her hand tight. Tiffany shutting her eyes, weakly grasping at Jessica’s, her eyes red like Jessica’s. Tears, too many tears.

“I’m sorry.” Tiffany barely whispers, looking anywhere but into Jessica’s eyes. Jessica only staying in silence with her, holding her hand tight. Not a single word she can think to say, only the sinking feeling in her heart. The bright light she’d seen in Tiffany for so long not the one avoiding her, extinguished without a spark in sight.

Nothing feels normal, taking Tiffany home after being cleared. Orders from a psychiatrist to keep things out of reach like Tiffany was a child. Taking her home but still barely a word between them. Jessica only imagining she lost Tiffany, fault, blame, if it was her that pushed Tiffany to breaking.

Thoughts kept silent, like the words they barely exchange, what once was so loving and open, closed and cold, how she still loves Tiffany so dearly but can only think it’s more harm than good.

Everyday where Tiffany stares silently at the tv and doesn’t look anywhere else, barely moving and Jessica too scared to even sit beside her. One night that seems to blend in with the rest, Tiffany staring blankly into nothing, startling when she feels a weight over her, Jessica burying her head into Tiffany’s chest, hands grasping onto her like life depends on it.

“I love you.” Jessica whimpers, tears wetting Tiffany’s sweater. “If I hurt you, please, just.. Tell me, I don’t want to hurt you, I’ve never wanted to hurt you.” Jessica cries, keeping her head buried to hide her red eyes from Tiffany, trying not to cry her heart out. “I can’t lose you Tiffany.. Not like that.” Jessica grips at Tiffany till her knuckles turn white, just trying to feel her, like she’s been an apparition since the day her heart snapped.

Tiffany wrapping her arms around Jessica’s waist, adjusting for Jessica to lay down on her. “Don’t.. Please don’t go.” Tiffany a hand through Jessica’s hair, the tears off her cheeks when she looks up. “Just stay, please.” Tiffany whispers, Jessica seeing how Tiffany begs for her, not in words. The hands holding tight around her waist, the pair of eyes so fragile, begging not to be left alone.

“I won’t.” Jessica brings her hands to loop under Tiffany’s arms, sniffling and trying to hold her tears back, hugging Tiffany like she would before, weeks spent feeling like a stranger in her home. “I missed you.” Jessica mutters, shutting her eyes when she rests her head on Tiffany again, listening to the sound of her heart and the echoing of her breath, falling asleep to the gentlest song she’s ever known.

Waking, Jessica almost shoots up, burning a cold sweat. Only stilled when she feels Tiffany's hands holding her close.

“Tiff?” Jessica opens her eyes, Tiffany still there, not moved since she’d closed her eyes, Tiffany only looking at her.

“I’m sorry.” Tiffany a hand through Jessica’s hair, taking a deep breath. “This isn’t your fault.” Tiffany whispers, struggling to say each word like it’s forced from her lips.

“So why won’t you talk to me? Why do I.. feel like a stranger to you.” Jessica asks, frustrated, Tiffany flinching hearing the weight in her words.

“Cause I don’t think I deserve you.” Tiffany looks away, a tear falling across her cheek, sniffling trying to keep herself strong but failing as she breaks down. “I’m just shameful now.”

“Shameful? Tiffany, since when did I care about shame?!” Jessica rises up, Tiffany flinching hard, Jessica feeling her heart drop hard.

“I’m sorry.” Tiffany says again, Jessica running a hand under Tiffany’s chin, forcing Tiffany to look at her.

“Tiffany, why.. Why did you.. I thought you were dead.” Jessica struggles to even breathe, thinking of Tiffany laid out on the floor so lifeless. “Just.. please tell me why.” Jessica begs, Tiffany wanting to look away, Jessica holding her still, refusing to let them go back to weeks of silence. “I’m scared, I’m so ing scared.”

Hesitating, Tiffany finally nods. “I never wanted to hurt you.. I didn’t want you to see me like this. I can’t.. I couldn’t keep going.”

“I never wanted you to hide.” Jessica brushes the tears from Tiffany’s cheek, fragile eyes mirroring her own. “What happened?”

Entwining their fingers together, Tiffany sighs, taking a deep breath. “Everything just.. Hurts, every time you left I just..cried. I can’t bear it, Jess.. it’s so painful.” Tiffany grips Jessica’s hands tight, tears streaming without control. “You’re the only one that doesn’t hurt.. And I keep thinking I’m going to lose you.”

Jessica rests her forehead against Tiffany, freeing her hand and running her fingers over Tiffany’s chest, feeling her heartbeat. “When were you happy?” Jessica asks in the faintest whisper, Tiffany looking at her with an uneasy gaze.

“I can’t remember.”

“So can we find it?” Jessica runs her hands through Tiffany’s hair, Tiffany only looking back curious.

“Find what?”

“Something, anything that doesn’t make everything hurt.” Jessica sighs, shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath. “Tiffany, I would do anything for you. Jobs, responsibilities, I’d give it up in a heartbeat.. But please, just tell me if there’s a hope.”

“I.. I want there to be.”

“That’ll be enough.” Jessica sniffles, leaning close, lips barely touching Tiffany’s. “It’ll have to be.” she whispers, lips against Tiffany’s, heart pounding furiously to feel her after so long, even through tears and a fragile heart.

“Don’t go.” Tiffany hugs her tight, Jessica wrapping her arms behind Tiffany’s neck, nodding so slightly.

“Never.”

Sleeping that night, it doesn’t feel like sharing a bed with a stranger, when Tiffany latches onto Jessica through the night, even if Jessica barely sleeps, still so terrified, seeing only an idea in the early hours of the morning and not an ounce more of sleep comes to her.

When Tiffany wakes up, the light of the sun piercing through the shades of the windows, opening her eyes with a groan, heart dropping hard feeling nothing but an empty space beside her, two suitcases around their bedroom. Tiffany leaping to sit up as the bedroom door comes open, Jessica walking inside carrying a plate and mug in hand, the smell of coffee hitting Tiffany’s nostrils as Jessica comes to sit by the side of the bed.

“Hey you’re up. I made you some breakfast.” Jessica smiles, turning curious seeing Tiffany stare stiffly at her. “Tiffany?”

“The bags..”

“Oh.. Oh god! No, Tiff it’s.. Those are ours.” Jessica quickly clears, Tiffany’s wide eyes filled with panic starting to leave her. “I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about.. Everything, so I thought we should go home.”

“For how long?”

“Well, the tickets are one way, I told your sister and dad we’ll be getting there tonight.”

“What about.. Our apartment, jobs?” Tiffany feels the slightest b hope, though the aching worry that came each time they said they’d get away from it all, that it would be simpler soon and most never came to pass.

“The apartment will be here and.. I don’t care if there’s still a job to come back to.” Jessica says, no piece of doubt in her mind. “I meant everything I said Tiff. Nothing matters enough for..” Jessica starts to tear up, Tiffany brushing Jessica’s hair behind her ears, Jessica’s promise more sincere than any she’s ever seen. “Nothing matters enough for me to.. Nothing matters more than you.”

“We’re going home?”

“We have to be at the airport soon, so eat up okay?” Jessica asks, Tiffany nodding as she takes the plate from Jessica. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

Jessica isn’t sure if it’s what Tiffany needs, if it’s what they need. If seeing family is even a good idea, landing in San Francisco though, it doesn’t feel so tense. Weeks spent locked up in an apartment, silently begging for Tiffany to even look at her, anything better.

Seeing Tiffany’s brother and sister meet them when they come off the plane. When they last visited she’d seen Tiffany leap into their arms like a boundless ball of energy. Only barely reacting when Michelle and Leo hug her tight. Though she wraps her arms around her siblings, staying put in the terminal, holding on to who they almost lost.

Tiffany’s father holding her close the moment he sees her. Calming Tiffany when all she can do is whisper apologies. Jessica wasn’t sure what they’d think, if every piece of shame Tiffany felt would only be stronger, Tiffany’s father holding her just happy to still have his daughter, no anger.

Being under the California sun, most days are spent mostly quiet, Tiffany holding onto Jessica while they don’t do much more than stay together, as much as Jessica wants to have Tiffany open up more to her, having Tiffany next to her is enough, not drifting away, neither daring to drift away again.

Till one night, sitting outside that Tiffany summons enough strength to say more.

“Nothing seemed worthwhile.” Tiffany whispers, Jessica glancing to her side, Tiffany staring only up at the sky. “Every day it only got worse. I worked more, I saw you less..” Tiffany sighs, looking over at Jessica for just a moment before she stares up at the stars again. “I keep thinking I used to be happy but, I don’t think I ever was.” reaching her hand out for Jessica’s she entwines their fingers together, shutting her eyes trying not to cry.

Taking a deep breath, Tiffany listens, her own heartbeat pounding loud enough to be heard in her ears, shaking more nervous than any time she can recall. “Building a life with you was the closest to happiness I think I’ve ever felt.. But it just didn’t stop, everything felt the same and.. What kind of life could I give you barely living.” Tiffany sniffles, keeping her eyes shut tight. “I thought.. Maybe after I’d gone, you’d find someone better, someone who could love you without the pain.”

“Tiff, I don’t want..” Jessica stops, seeing Tiffany open her eyes, glossy and red eyes looking with a renewed fire.

“I took those pills and shut my eyes for what I thought would be the last time. I know it was stupid, I know whatever reason I had would never make up for what I did.” Tiffany finally looks straight at Jessica, struggling but refusing to look away. “We built a life and I almost took it all down.” Tiffany says, watching as Jessica strides to her side.

“I don’t need you to say sorry.” Jessica stands over Tiffany, running her hands through Tiffany’s hair, locked with the teary brown eyes that look back at her. “I don’t care about what we built, not if this is what it gave us,” Jessica the tears away from Tiffany cheeks, sitting down on her lap and resting their heads together “I just need you, the rest, the pain, all of this, I only need you, that’s enough to go forward.” Jessica says, Tiffany’s eyes not filled with the spark she’s known for so long, something like it though. Something close.

Pulling Jessica in, Tiffany’s lips tremble against her. Kissing her desperately, feeling Jessica how she’s always made Tiffany’s heart want to pound out of her chest. Breaking in a gasp, watching Jessica’s eyes open.

“Okay.. forward.” Tiffany barely cracks a smile, so low, one Jessica almost misses. But enough, enough to believe it. One step at a time.