ONE

WHEN A PERSON says they are not sure if they love you, they are actually telling you they don’t love you.

Hesitation is a response. Silence is a response. Being unsure of something or someone is a response.

I was madly in love with her for years and she always hesitated.

She was never really sure, couldn’t tell if I was the right fit even though when we were together, the stars aligned. For me, anyway.

She eventually met someone and invested a lot in that person within a short space of time. It became clear to me that the reason she hesitated was because she did not believe in any point in time that I was the one.

I wanted her to be something she wasn’t. I wanted her to say something she wouldn’t. I wanted her to do something she didn’t.

It all came back to my expectations.

I broke my own heart.

Of course, it hurt thinking about this. I let my heart bled early enough.

But guess what?

I am thinking all this from outside my class.

I got kicked out of class for the third time ever because of that same person.

I made a mental note to ask her out after school.

I swear she wasn’t late at all.

She brushed by me in the hallways, her eyes were sunken to her skull, deeper than any shipwreck. Her hair was loosely kept, jacket hanging off of her shoulders, shoe laces still untied and her face was as low as could go.

She didn’t exactly walk. She shuffled across the tiled floor of the hallway. This empty, abandoned hallway, the walls cluttered with motivational posters.

As we started to demolish the distance between us, everything became louder.

I could hear everything she was feeling.

Her arms being dragged by her sides, her legs being forced to carry such a heavy burden, her head was exhausted from being held up for so long.

Seulgi, what’s wrong?

Her body was finished.

She had been beaten to the ground and life had kicked all hope from her body. All that remained was a corpse of a person. A body of a young girl who was moving out of pure uncertainty.

As she came closer, my heart was furiously pumping. I wanted to grab her. I desired to hold her tight and let her know she wasn’t alone.

I wished for her to understand that love can tear you apart, but she is still standing and all will be just fine.

I should’ve have told her that everything will be okay and one day she’ll have a family and a nice home, there will be a dog in her yard, a picket fence, and the clouds will sometimes be overcast, but for god sake there is a sun rising afterwards!

Hell, if this was all because of that blonde, holographic snake, I will never forgive her.

I wanted to pull her back and hug her, because man, I needed a hug too.

I saw her and I saw myself. Sadness had taken a hold of her and choked out all of what was left of what she was.

Sadness left her body absent.

Absent of peace.

Absent of mind.

Absent of soul.

She was empty. The whole human anatomy, lifeless.

We both saw emptiness in each other. We were dead walking. I saw she needed help, but I wasn’t there. I couldn’t be there, I was trying to hold my own self afloat.

As the space was emptying between us, I looked at her, and our eyes met.

I understood. She was broken.

Now earlier in class, the sub, Mr. Lee, was giving her a hard time about being late.

He berated her for a solid minute.

‘Why aren’t you on time?’ he asked.

‘No reason,’ she said.

‘Everyone else was here when class started. Why weren’t you?’

‘No reason,’ she said again, her face blank. She looked totally dead inside. It’s a look I’d seen on homeless people, and my grandpa when he’s having an Alzheimer’s episode. It’s a look no Kang Seulgi should have. It’s a look I never wanted to see again.

‘Mr. Lee, can I speak with you outside?’ I asked.

‘Sit down,’ he said.

‘No,’ I replied.

Then he sent me out of the classroom.

It’s a terrible love and I’m walking with spiders.

I knew right then that I would never be able to fall asleep unless I hear her story.

I could feel the twisted consequences in forms of jealousy, envy, anger, doubt, and inadequacy.

All these things hurt like fires of hell.

She was the bear who showed me it was more important for me to see I could take care of myself than for me to feel she could protect me.

But I could pretty much guarantee that right now, it was Seulgi who needed me more than I could ever need her.