There are good days.

On good days, Renjun would wake up once his alarm goes off. He would then head to the kitchen to boil water with the kettle before taking his morning bath. He takes his time to wear his ironed uniform, making sure there are no creases. He tightens his red tie and buttons his school blazer carefully. By then, the water would have been boiled and Renjun proceeds to make himself a cup of hot chocolate. He clutches the warm mug and takes a sip, sighing blissfully.

After washing the used mug, he would then take his school bag from his room and wears his white socks and shoes. By the time he reaches the bus stop, he would only have to wait 5 minutes tops for the bus. In the bus, Renjun would make a mental to-do list, like if he should study maths or chemistry once school ends, or if he should stop by the super market to stock up groceries, and what to cook for dinner etc. He would reach the bus stop nearest to his school after finishing his mental to-do list, and alights the bus.

As soon as Renjun steps out of the bus, he would be greeted by the familiar eye smile of a certain brunette. The boy greets him good morning and Renjun greets him back. The two would then walk towards the gates of the school together. The both of them don’t talk, but the silence wasn’t awkward.

However, something catches the brunette’s attention as he silently stares at the Chinese boy walking right next to him. There was a small smile on the slightly elder boy’s face.

“Good day?” Jeno decides to ask, because it’s rare.

Renjun nods, “The hot chocolate was good this morning, and the super market is having a big sale.”

Jeno couldn’t help but smile, “I’ll accompany you to the super market after school.”

Renjun simply nods. Jeno can do whatever he wants.

Once they reached school and entered their class, their two other friends would greet them enthusiastically. Donghyuck would start blabbering about his day, even though the day had barely started, and Jaemin would snort or would try to start an argument with Donghyuck. It was a normal day. A good normal day.

During class, Renjun would dutifully takes notes and listens to every word of what the teacher is saying, highlighting the important key words on his textbook with his colourful highlighters and dog ears the pages that he’s sure it’ll come out for exams.

For recess, he would buy chocolate milk from the vending machine, and eats the cafeteria’s food along with his friends. He would laugh at Donghyuck’s jokes, and enjoys Jaemin’s conspiracy theories that he found online. He also likes how closely he is sitting next to Jeno, the warmth radiating from the brunette makes his sides feels warm.

Once school ends, he would bid goodbye to Donghyuck, who most of the time has choir practice and Jaemin, who is part of the student council. Jeno would walk him home if he doesn’t have soccer practice, which is usually on Wednesdays. They take the bus together and alighted at the same stop. Jeno lives 15 minutes away from Renjun’s apartment.

Sometimes Jeno would accompany Renjun to the supermarket for the elder boy to stock up groceries for his kitchen. This usually happens once or twice per month. He would help the shorter male in choosing which brand of peanut butter is better, and helps carry the groceries to Renjun’s apartment. Once they reach Renjun’s apartment, Jeno says his goodbyes and with a ‘See you tomorrow. Text me if you need me.’ Renjun smiles gratefully.

As soon as Renjun reaches home, the Chinese boy would put down his school bag in his room and changes into a casual shirt. He would then head to the kitchen and put on his apron, preparing dinner. His father wouldn’t be happy to come home with no food on the table, even though he rarely comes home. At the age of 17, Renjun is a decent cook. He decided to cook kimchi stew, his late mother’s recipe etched in his mind as he began to boil water in a pot.

After cooking, he washes the dishes and eats dinner alone while watching tv. He would get a text from Jeno, asking if he had already eaten and Renjun would reply with a smile emoji and a thumbs up. He would then get up, take a shower, and begin doing his homework or study his notes.

Renjun is able to sleep peacefully after he’s done everything on his mental to-do list and prays for a happier tomorrow.

There are also bad days.

On bad days, Renjun would wake up before his alarm goes off. He would then stare at the ceiling blankly, the voices in his head starts to whisper. Even when the alarm goes off, Renjun would be still lying on his bed, till the sun peaks through his window then only Renjun realises he would be late for school and rushes to the toilet.

His hands would be trembling, struggling to wear his uniform. His tie is crooked and his buttons were wrongly matched to each hole. He would grab his school bag and wears his socks, not realising its mismatched and leaves the house with untied shoes. He would try to chase for the bus only to step on his own untied shoe lace and falls to the ground. He would then miss the bus and have to wait for another 10 minutes for the next one.

In the bus, he would think of nothing and stares out of the window blankly. He would twitch once in a while, gaining a few weird glances from people at how fidgety he is, and would try not to think of negative thoughts. As soon as he alights from the bus, he would be greeted by the familiar eye smile of a certain brunette. The boy greets him good morning and Renjun greets him back, albeit stuttering. Before Renjun could take another step, Jeno stops him.

The Korean boy bends down on his knee, taking the untied shoelaces and tying them neatly. He sees the dirt spots on the boy’s pants and brushes them off. When he stands back up, he straightens Renjun’s tie and buttons his blazer correctly. Renjun would thank him silently, still stuttering. Jeno would smile and grab his hand, and the two of them finally start to walk together towards their school.

“Bad day?” Jeno asks, the two doesn’t keep secrets from each other.

“I d-didn’t h-ad my h-hot chocolate…” Renjun states sadly, and Jeno almost coos at the elder boy’s pout.

Renjun twitches, one of his eyes closing and a slight shake of his head, and Jeno tightens his hold with Renjun’s. Once they reached the classroom, Donghyuck and Jaemin would greet them as usual. Seeing the two holding hands, Donghyuck and Jaemin understands. Donghyuck would talk softer, asking about how Jaemin’s day went instead, even though the day had barely started, and Jaemin would reply, not picking up a fight with Donghyuck for once. Renjun appreciates his friends.

During class, Renjun would mindlessly stares at his textbook, not writing any notes, not highlighting any words. He couldn’t even hear the teacher’s words. He’s tired. He’s very tired.

For recess, he would forget buy his chocolate milk from the vending machine, and stares at his lunch blankly. He tunes out Donghyuck’s jokes and Jaemin’s interesting theories. He would only start to eat after Jeno tells him gently to eat up and to not waste food. His hands would shake, spilling some soup on his uniform. He would try to eat 4 spoonfuls of rice maximum, and Jeno doesn’t presses.

Once school ends, Jeno walks him home. Once they reach Renjun’s apartment, Jeno says his goodbyes and with a ‘See you tomorrow. Text me if you need me.’ Renjun would force out a smile.

The Chinese boy headed straight to his room, dropping his bag on the floor and lies on his bed. He doesn’t cook dinner, doesn’t do his homework, and doesn’t study. He doesn’t care if his father does come home and gets angry because there’s no food on the table. Renjun hugs his knees and tries to sleep.

Sometimes it helps and he would feel better the next day, but other days he would wake up at wee hours in the morning and things would only get worse.

The silence of the room threatens him, the voices in his head gets louder and louder. He would clutch his head, shutting his eyes close, telling them to stop tormenting him. When the voices get louder, Renjun would scream just so he couldn’t hear them. He would cry and sob, pleading for forgiveness, because it’s his fault his mother died, it’s his fault his father has lost the will to live. Gasping for air, Renjun would leave his bed, leave his room, leave the house. He needs to get away.

Renjun doesn’t know how long he had walked, but once he has finally got back his senses, he panics. He thanked god when he manages to find his phone from his pocket. With shaky hands he’s about to call the first person he could think of but hesitates, because it’s 3 in the morning.

Why are you such a burden?

Renjun closes his eyes shut, willing to not let anymore tears fall.

Do everyone a favour and kill y—

Renjun’s thumb taps on the contact and he presses his phone against his ear with trembling hands. The phone kept ringing, and when Renjun is sure the call would go voicemail, he’s proven wrong when he hears the familiar voice, but husky and deep from sleep, “Renjun?”

A sob betrays from Renjun’s throat, his hand clutching on his phone harder.

“Stay wherever you are, I’ll find you.”

It takes around 10 minutes for Jeno to find Renjun. (Jeno always silently thanked Jaemin for forcing them to download the app that could track their location. He finds it creepy and stalker-ish at first, but it came useful especially when Renjun has his episodes) The Korean boy would find Renjun at random places. Sometimes at a park or at a playground, but there was one thing in common, it’s usually the places that Renjun used to spend during his childhood years with his parents. Jeno remembers seeing these places from Renjun’s family pictures in his apartment.

The Chinese boy would usually sit on the ground, hugging his legs to his chest and his face buried on his knees. Jeno would kneel in front of Renjun, gently touching his shoulder so as not to surprise him at his sudden appearance. Renjun would still jump slightly though, but once the shorter male realises it’s Jeno, he buries his face to Jeno’s chest and the taller male immediately engulfed him in a tight hug.

Renjun doesn’t cry, but takes in Jeno’s comforting scent, Jeno’s warmth, and relaxes when Jeno his back gently. He listens to Jeno’s comforting whispers like how’s everything is going to be ok, and you’re so strong injun, i’m so proud of you.

“I’m sorry Jeno, for calling you again at this unbelievable hour—” Jeno shushes him, and wipes away the stray tears that managed to spill from Renjun’s bloodshot and puffy eyes.

Jeno helps Renjun to stand up, and takes out a pair of flip flops from the small bagpack he had brought with him. (He calls it the ‘First Aid Renjun Kit’ and places it next to his bed, ready to run whenever Renjun needs him) Renjun looks at Jeno questionably and looks down, realising that he had left the house barefooted yet again. He sheepishly thanked the brunette and wears them. Jeno also hands him a small carton of chocolate milk which he had also brought in the bagpack. Jeno then holds Renjun’s free hand and walks him home. Jeno would talk about everything and anything, just to distract Renjun from any negative thoughts that the Chinese boy might be having. His thumb would then graze his wrist, where his faded scars lies, a reminder that he’s still alive, still breathing, and he still kept his promise.

Renjun knows he’s a mess, having good and bad days and never in between. However, Jeno’s hand is warm and he remembers why he wants to keep living. He tightens his hold on Jeno, causing the brunette to stop whatever he was talking. Jeno turns to the Chinese boy, and sees him whispering a soft, “Thank you.”

Jeno smiles widely, eyes turning into crescents.

When the both of them reached Renjun’s apartment, Jeno made sure Renjun changed into comfortable clothes, and even disinfected the Chinese boy’s foot that had a few cuts and bandaged them well.

After Jeno leaves Renjun’s apartment, he receives a text from the Chinese boy.

‘I’ll see you later. I’ll text you if I need you, and you can text me if you need me too.’