CHAPTER 1

                That day, the air was mysteriously heavy.  Normally, the feeling would only weigh down when something unexpected was about to occur.  With that, I fell out of the cot I slept on and crawled slowly to the bathroom to begin the sluggish day.  Although I was moving at the speed of a snail, my mind was racing continuously.  Questions such as what the day was going to foretell, and what my mother had up her sleeve played over and over as I got ready for work.  I would be surprised if the dull atmosphere wasn’t caused by my mother, for whenever the air thickened, the woman would be the one held responsible.

                Heaving a sigh at the end of my process, I shuffled over to the couch where my mother slept soundlessly.  There wasn’t much in the house, what with the fact that we were constantly on the move.  We never stayed in one place too long, which meant that it was pointless to gather much stuff.  Whenever we moved to a new place, my mother took it upon herself to go search for a nice couch so that she could be semi-comfortable when sleeping.  However, we stowed the ratty old cot that I slept on in the back of our mini pickup instead of finding something better for myself.  No matter what situation, my mother always chose to think of herself before she thought of me, but it wasn’t like I had a problem with that.  I was perfectly fine with my living conditions, and with always coming second.  It was just a given that I wouldn’t ever come first when it came to a problem that involved the two of us. 

                “Umma, I’m going to work now,” I whispered in her ear after pulling her beautiful black hair aside.  Afterwards, I gently placed a kiss on her cheek and headed out with the keys.  As I pulled out of the driveway, I glanced back at the house and secretly prayed that my mother would do something mild and not as bad as her usual crazy antics. 

                It wasn’t like the two of us were always on the move.  There had been a time when even my father was around.  I didn’t have too many memories with him, but I could clearly recall a scene where a four year old version of me ran into a room that seemed to be a study or an office.  The room was dimly lit with a desk—piled with papers and random things—in the right hand corner of the room and to the left of that sat an electric piano.  The man who appeared to be my father sat at the desk; all the while, he had been scribbling something on a music sheet and muttering under his breath in a constant stream of Korean.  I remembered walking up to the man and tapping him on the arm ever so gently only to have him turn and yell at me in frustration.  Scared to pieces, the little me ran out of the dark room, sobbing loudly.  And that was the only thing I could remember about him, not even his facial features would come to mind.

                My father had been a famous composer in Korea.  Meanwhile, my mother had gone to his country to seek out what her ancestors had been like.  He was a native and she was merely a descendant of a Korean family.  At first, the differences were what brought them together, but then it caused their demise because they could never understand each other.  After the two split, my father returned to Korea and I lost all contact with him.  When he went away, my mother took everything and moved to a two room apartment where we lived there until I was about fifteen years of age.  During those five years at the apartment, I watched her fall apart bit by bit.  She brought home men of all kinds, and never went a day without being wasted.  Because I couldn’t stand the situation she was putting herself into, there were times when I would leave the house and stay out for nights on end. 

                A couple of months before my fifteenth birthday, I came home after staying away for about two weeks.  When I entered the apartment, there were boxes placed here and there, and strangely enough there wasn’t a man lounging around the place.  Confused, I found my mother—who was also surprisingly sober—and was told that we were leaving for North Carolina.  No matter how many times I questioned her she never revealed the reason as to why we were leaving, which forced me to finally give in and go along with her plans.

                After our first major move, we stayed there for about two months before my mother got bored of the place and decided to move once again.  Aside from the places not being right for the two of us, I never thought anything of our constant moves.   

                There were times, though, when the atmosphere grew dark and a cold dread would spread over my entire being.  At first, I didn’t understand what was going on.  I came up with many scenarios for the reason why I felt such a darkness lurking in the air, but none of them seemed to fit.  So, I would go through the day hoping that it would pass only to return to the house and notice something amiss.  Most of the time, my mother would be gone because she had taken the car and did something to get her put in jail for the night.  Other times, she would be passed out trying to end her miserable life with alcohol or pills.  However, there were mild cases of her outrageous actions, so I hoped that the meaning of what was going on at the moment would result in a mild action.  Also, I had the car, which meant that she wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, but I wouldn’t put it past the woman to go and find a way to do what she had in mind for the day.

                “Mi Kyoung!” A fellow coworker’s voice called out—her southern drawl failing horribly at the pronunciation of my name—as I walked through the front door of the miniature clinic.  From the fact that I constantly moved around with my mother, I made sure that I was only going to get through high school and begin working.  Even though I was accustomed to the lifestyle I was living, I didn’t want it to be this way every year until my death.  So, I decided to save up as much money as I could until I made a choice that I would break from my mother.  However, I didn’t know how hard it was to find a good job without a degree until I started looking after I graduated that past May.  When I came across the ad for working as an assistant to the local doctor’s secretary, I had already gone through millions of ads and hours of criticism from my mother. 

               “Morning Christy,” I answered the woman while on the way to the side room where I would spend most of the day.  As I went, the woman followed closely behind me, her heels clicking on the tiled floor along the way.

                “So, Kaileen decided that there was enough time to go get coffee earlier today.   I told her that you might want one since she offered one for everyone, if that’s alright,” the woman explained as I went over to my supervisor’s desk to see if she left anything for me to do while she was away.  I quickly looked up and plastered a thankful smile on my face.

                “Oh thank you! You’re always so thoughtful!” I exclaimed even though I couldn’t care less if I received coffee or not.  My supervisor always went out and got coffee each morning, and no matter how many times I changed my choice, it quickly grew old. 

                “Well, I try,” the woman added and then left the room as if all she had wanted from me was a compliment.  Rolling my eyes, I took the papers that were assigned for me and settled in my chair that was in the corner of the room.  There were always times when I wondered why I chose this job.  The women in the office were gossips, and the doctor was so stingy and stuck up, it pained me to even stand within his presence.  

                “Um, excuse me…” a younger girl’s voice sounded after about half an hour of doing the usual paperwork.  Startled after such a long length of silence, I jumped, causing all of the papers before me to scatter.  “The doctor said I was the secretary’s assistant, are you by chance Kaileen Yites?”

                “Actually I’m the assis—“

                “Micky! Will you come to my office for a second?” the doctor’s voice boomed across the intercom.  Confused, I stayed put staring at the girl before me.  When I had been hired, I had been told that they were hiring only one person for the job.  However, I had been the first to apply in a while that I got the job right away.  So what was happening now?  “Micky! Now!” The man shouted this time, forcing me to wince.  Clenching my jaw, I glanced at my scattered papers and reluctantly headed out of the room to the doctor’s office, letting them remain in the scattered mess.

                “What?” I snapped in annoyance once in his presence.  At my appearance, he raised his eyebrow and sat back in his chair, trying to look intimidating.  Without the doctor’s coat that he only wore around patients, there was no chance of him succeeding.  “Well? You called me here and now you’re planning on having a stare down?”

                “Actually, Micky, I called you because I have to break some news to you.  Close the door and take a seat right there,” he ordered.  Once I was seated, he leaned forward and placed his arms on the large mahogany desk before him.  “I haven’t had to do this in such a long time, so I might say things that you need to accept gratefully and then possibly go and change them,” he started, forcing the already dull atmosphere to darken incredibly.  “First off, you don’t respect me at all. I am your boss and here you are throwing an attitude at me for just calling you to my office.  Secondly, you don’t fit the dress code.  When I hired you, I strictly stated no pants of any sort, not even slacks.  But look at yourself! I have not once seen you wear a skirt since the day you started working.  Thirdly, you don’t respect our patients.  I’ve seen you stick to yourself and the work that Kaileen has given you, and you have not once conversed with the patients.  No one has said anything yet, but they’re soon to start. I can’t let that happen, so I’m afraid I have to let you go,” he explained in his dull monotone voice.

                “So you’re saying that the girl in the other room is going to be my replacement?” I questioned, my heart beating quickly.  In truth, I didn’t understand this man’s basis for his judgment against me.  I always made sure to wear a skirt each and every day, especially one that is of considerable length.  I had to waste a wad of money just to change my style to suit the job’s requirements.  And the one day I was too out of it to actually pay attention to what I was wearing, it was used as a reason for being fired.  Also, it was never stressed when I was hired that I had to talk to the patients.  That was the sole reason that Christy was there. She was one of the nurses that did the check-ups, but since she was new she didn’t get as many patients. When she wasn’t with a patient, she was out in the waiting room socializing her head off. 

                “Yes, she’s your replacement, I have yet to consult Kaileen on this. I felt like it would be easier for her to hire someone right away so that she didn’t need to result back to doing all of the work herself after growing used to you helping her out,” he explained, his eyes expressing that he wanted the conversation to be over with.  Thinking that this was ridiculous, I stood up without waiting for a word of dismissal and walked out.  

                “Have fun with your new job, it’s going to be a blast,” I whispered into the new girl’s ear as I entered the room to grab my things. With that, I stormed out of the office.  What angered me the most was probably the smug look spread across Christy’s face as she watched everything in her own little corner.  Couldn’t she have just waited until I was gone to rejoice? From my span of experience, most people in this country had little to no manners or respect.

Once outside, I veered right to where I had parked the truck only to stop in my tracks when I noticed that the vehicle was nowhere to be seen.  Stamping my foot in frustration, I spun around to look once more for my car.  My mind racing, I finally came across the thought that my mother had a spare key.  More than half the time, I’d come out of work at night to see that she had somehow taken the car.  Clenching my fist tightly, I dug in my purse and found a few dollars for the bus.  Why did she have to take the car today of all days? As I trudged to the bus stop, I secretly hoped that this was all that was going to happen for the day.  I hoped that whatever she needed the car for was minor compared to how heavy the air felt. 

                The entire time from when I got onto the bus until I set foot on my street, a dark feeling spread through my body and continued to grow.  As I sat in my seat away from everyone else, cold sweat slid down the side of my face and my hands grew clammy.  I didn’t understand why this was happening, for even during the worst of times I had never felt this way. 

                I continued on my way down my street, edging closer to my house, until my anxiety grew too much to bear.  Squeezing my eyes shut, I clawed at my heart that felt like it was trying to beat its way out of my chest.  The question ‘Wae?’ flashed over and over inside of my mind as I fell to a crouch and rested my head against my knees.  After enough time had passed, I tried my best to not think about the oppressing feeling of anxiety.  I grit my teeth, stood up, and continued on my way towards my house.  ‘No matter what, I need to return,’ I decided as I shakily headed forward. 

                Not surprisingly, the driveway was barren, the car out of sight.  Huffing out a sigh, I finally gained the courage to enter the house and see if there had been any damage done.  However, as I reached my front porch, I came across the familiar suitcase and backpack sitting on the front porch.  Dread crawled across my heart, and my stomach twisted in knots as I neared the two bags sitting there.  ‘Wae…why is this here?’ I thought frantically after a moment of staring at the two items. Wondering what had been placed in them; I fell to my knees and ripped open the front zipper to the backpack.  The usual items that I normally place into the pocket when moving about cascaded down to the cement.  Biting my lip, I picked my possessions back up, only to stop in my tracks when my hand hovered over a thick white envelope. 

                My heart unbearably pounding once more, I closed my eyes and picked up the surprisingly heavy package.  I had been so scared to actually look at what I held in my hands, for I had a small inkling as to what it may contain.  Swallowing, I opened the envelope at an achingly slow pace.  I knew that it would reveal to me the reason behind the overbearing atmosphere, and such knowledge seemed like things would be better off if it had been forgotten.  As I pried my eyes open, I reluctantly looked down at what sat in my hands.  The thick package revealed quite a lot of money…Korean money to be exact.  Confusion washing over me, I pulled the bills out of the envelope.  Once that was out of the way, I then found what looked like a ticket of some kind.  I sat back as I stared at the informational piece of paper, not understanding how this was the conclusion to the iron grasps of anxiety.  As I worked the oversized ticket out of the envelope, I noticed a folded up note behind it.  Thinking to myself that my mother really knew how to pack things tightly, I pulled out the note and set everything else aside.  Unfolding the little piece of notebook paper, I felt my heart began to pound once again.

Mi Kyoung,

            I’m sorry darling…really, I am.  A few weeks ago, the landlord contacted me to say that our lease would be up on this date.  Today, he ruthlessly barged in on the house with a locksmith, and declared that our lease was up and that we had to move out that day.  With that, they went on their merry way and changed the locks in the house so that we couldn’t get in later even if we wanted.

            When I had found out about the lease ending so soon, I quickly looked for ways to get out of this awful place.  The only chances to leave were for one person, and quite frankly I realized that I couldn’t support you much longer.  Baby, I wish I could have stayed to protect and love you, but I just can’t.  I’m not financially stable anymore like I used to be, and I can’t rely on your work any longer.  Especially when I heard from your supervisor what your boss was planning on doing…

            Mi Kyoung-ah don’t hate me, please, but I contacted your two uncles in Pyeongchang-dong, remember them? Well they have happily accepted my request to have them look after you.  They are wealthy, baby! You won’t have any worries, really! And maybe then you can work on your dancing, you’ve always wanted that since you were young. 

            So, I put the plane ticket that leaves at 9:00 P.M. tonight in this envelope.  I know that you can’t get into the house, which means that you can’t skip this lovely opportunity.  In truth, you don’t have much in your account…well actually you don’t have anything because I took it all out and looked for a place to transfer it to won.  However, they had no money transferring buildings in this small town.  I’m sorry baby, but I just took the lifesavings halmoni had from Korea—it was passed down for a while—and gave them to you in exchange for the money I took from your account. 

            Think through this my Mi Kyoung-ah—and choose your Uncles in Korea.

Saranghaeyo~~

Umma

                The letter stunned my entire being as I sat there clutching it tightly, my cheeks soaked from the continuous flow of tears.  An unbearable pain squeezed throughout my insides as the realization settled in.  My mother abandoned me…and left me no way to support myself unless I listened to her wishes and went to Korea…