I’ve been quietly living
In a deep tunnel that swallowed up the light

January, 2016

“I’m leaving the band.”

The words hung heavy in the air.

It took a couple seconds for the five boys to process the sentence. It was just something incomprehensible for them. Something that shouldn’t ever be said or even thought of.

Im Junhyeok stood in front of them. A couple of seconds ago, he had entered the dorm quietly, his face an unreadable expression. Sungjin had been pacing, worried and wondering where the keyboardist was.  The other members were curled in front of the television, trying but failing to distract themselves from their own anxiousness. Junhyeok had been gone from the dorm for the whole day, and it was already past midnight.

They thought that the anxiousness would disappear—or at least lessen—the moment that Junhyeok stepped into the room safe and sound.

And they were horribly wrong.

Five boys stared at their friend, as if wondering if he had misspoken.

Sungjin was the first to speak.

“This isn’t funny.” The leader’s words were firm and sharp. “Stop joking around.” But at that moment, Sungjin already knew that Junhyeok meant every word.

In fact, everyone knew. Ever since the “scandal” started, the light from Junhyeok’s eyes had faded— little by little, day by day. He had stopped laughing. He had stopped smiling.

Junhyeok shook his head. “This isn’t a joke. I’m serious.”

“Don’t say such things.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I told you already that we can solve this together.” Sungjin’s voice was growing louder, and he took a couple steps towards the keyboardist. “We can take some time off. Let things cool over. Calm ourselves down and everything.” Then his tone grew soft. “We’re a team, Junhyeok. We’ll go through this together.”

Junhyeok was silent, and his eyes unwillingly glanced away from Sungjin and to his other four bandmates. There was Wonpil, looking like he wanted to cry. Jae and Brian, whose expressions were a mixture of many emotions. And Dowoon— sweet, little Dowoon— looking confused and scared.

“I—” Junhyeok could feel his throat closing up. “I can’t. I have to leave, guys. I just have to.”

“Damn it.”

Everyone nearly jumped at the sudden profanity— everyone except the person who had uttered the words.

Junhyeok wasn’t an expert at English or anything, but he knew perfectly well what “damn it” meant.

Jae stood up, staring right at him. “What are you saying?” He had switched back to Korean, his voice obviously tinted with anger. “You’re leaving? When we could just solve this problem together?”

“Yeah, hyung.” This time it was Wonpil who had stood up. His lower lip was trembling as he spoke again. “Let’s just figure this out together.”

Junhyeok could feel the corners of his eyes getting wet.

Sungjin was looking at him reassuringly. “See? We’re all here for you. Stop worrying so much.”

The keyboardist wasn’t an expert at holding back his tears. He was deemed the most easy-to-cry in the group. And it was true to an extent.

His vision grew blurry as he shook his head again. His voice nearly cracked as he said, “It hurts.” Seconds passed as he tried and failed to regain his composure. “It hurts too much.”

“We’re here,” Sungjin said, voice softer than Junhyeok thought was possible.

“No, don’t you see?” Now it was Junhyeok who spoke. “It’s not just about myself… But about Day6 as well. All this mess… this chaos…it could damage the band. I— I don’t want to see you guys get hurt. I have to go.”

“Jun—” Sungjin began.

But Junhyeok cut him off. “I already made my choice. I’m sorry.”

“Hyung, don’t go.”

Dowoon. The boy stayed seated, clutching one of the couch’s pillows to his chest. “Please don’t go, hyung,” he said again.

“Junhyeok-hyung.” Brian was silent the whole time, but knew he couldn’t keep quiet anymore. “Please.”

Another silence. Five pairs of eyes were fixed on the keyboardist. Junhyeok could only sigh as he walked towards the door again.

“I’m sorry, everyone.”

The sound of a door shutting. And he was gone.

--

1st of October, 2017

It was a quiet day at the dorm until Dowoon barged into the room.

“Wonpil-hyung! Wonpil-hyung!”

Wonpil looked up from his notes where he had been jotting down lyrics for a new song. From the top of his bunk bed, he looked down to see the maknae holding out a phone to him, hands shaking.

Wondering what had gotten Dowoon so worked up, Wonpil took the phone and squinted at the screen.

It was a picture of a familiar person with a very familiar face.  

Trying to keep calm, Wonpil asked, “When and where was this taken?”

“It was taken yesterday. At the place where The Unit auditions are held.”

Wonpil blinked. “…What?”

“He auditioned for The Unit,” Dowoon said, voice shaking like crazy. “Junhyeok-hyung is joining a survival show.”

--

January, 2016

Nobody could sleep that night. Everyone was hoping for Junhyeok to walk back into the dorm, telling them all that things were okay.

He didn’t come back. Nor were things okay.

Dowoon walked as quietly as he could, passing by the closed door of Jae and Brian’s room. He could hear muffled, raised voices from inside.

“How could he ing leave like that? How could he?”

“Jae, calm down—”

“How the hell am I supposed to calm down, Brian? Junhyeok just ing left us!”

“I’m upset too, damn it! But we need to calm down and think—”

Dowoon had lived with his two foreigner members long enough to learn a couple of English words here and there. He understood the gist of their heated conversation, and it only made his heart feel heavier. The fragility in Jae and Brian’s voice didn’t help either.

He finally reached the door of Wonpil and Sungjin’s room. He didn’t dare knock, not wanting to wake up s if they were already asleep.

Dowoon turned the doorknob carefully. He crept into the dark room to the bunk bed, observing the occupants.

Sungin was lying in the bottom bunk, wrapped in a blanket with his eyes closed, facing the wall.

Careful not to wake up the leader, Dowoon slowly climbed the small ladder of the bed, his eyes landing on the band’s second youngest member.

Wonpil was in a similar position with Sungjin— lying on his side and facing the wall. The difference was that Wonpil’s blanket was still neatly folded at his feet. As if he didn’t need or want the warmth.

Dowoon tried to keep his whisper as quiet as possible. “Hyung. Hyung, are you awake? Or did I just wake you up?”

Wonpil’s answer came quickly. “I’m awake. I can’t sleep.”

The maknae had grown accustomed to Wonpil’s bubbly, energetic tone. So it was heart-breaking to hear the same person’s voice devoid of such bright emotions, instead replaced by a dullness and dryness that Dowoon simply could not associate with Kim Wonpil.

The drummer felt that he was talking to his friend’s back as he said, “I can’t sleep either. I…” He paused. “I don’t want to be alone in that room. I don’t want to see Junhyeok-hyung’s empty bed. I… I can’t sleep knowing that he’s not there.”

There was a pause while Dowoon bit his lip. It hurt just to look at Junhyeok’s belongings— his clothes still hanging on the racks, his Gundam collection still taking up all the space at their desk, his music sheets of unfinished songs strewn all over his unoccupied bed. Dowoon had spent a good hour lying in the bunk bed of his and Junhyeok’s shared room, but it felt suffocating. As if the lack of his roommate’s presence out all of the oxygen in the room.

Finally Wonpil spoke, and Dowoon felt relief filling his lungs.

“You can sleep here, Dowoonie. You can use the blanket too, if you want.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

Climbing into the bed and lying down next to his friend, Dowoon grabbed the blanket and gently threw it over Wonpil till it covered his upper body. The other didn’t react to the drummer’s actions, choosing to continue staring at the wall instead.

“You’ll catch a cold, hyung,” Dowoon said.

Wonpil hummed in response.

“Hyung…”

“Yes, Dowoon?”

The youngest member stared at the back of his friend’s head. “Is Junhyeok-hyung really leaving?”

Another pause. Dowoon bit his lip to keep it from trembling.

“I don’t know,” Wonpil finally answered. There was a slight movement as he clutched at the blanket, holding it close to him. “I really don’t know.”

“Are we going to be okay, hyung?”

“…I hope so, Dowoon.”

Dowoon nodded. He saw Wonpil’s hand shaking, clutching at the blanket until his knuckles turned white. As if his life depended on it.

Skinship wasn’t something that Dowoon sought, nor did he initiate it. He was simply not a person who very much craved physical contact. However, it didn’t mean that he would shy away whenever s gave him a hug, or tried to feed him at the dinner table. He would lean into the touch, or smile while taking a huge bite out of whatever food was being spoonfed to him.

He enjoyed skinship. He just simply didn’t start them.

But in that tense, miserable moment, he made an exception. Wonpil was in pain, and so was he.

Without a word, Dowoon wrapped an arm around Wonpil’s small body, pulling him close in a comforting hug.

It was like an automatic response. The older boy’s body jerked, and then his thin shoulders started shaking. It took only a couple seconds for quiet, choked sobs that Wonpil had been holding back to finally escape from his mouth.

“I’m scared, hyung,” Dowoon said. He felt the shiver in his own deep voice.

Wonpil was in no condition to answer, trying hard to be as quiet as possible. He could only nod as tears streamed sideways down his face. He didn’t want to wake up Sungjin.

Unknown to both of the boys in the top bunk, Sungjin had been awake the whole time. He was a very light sleeper, but with his mind raging with all sorts of thoughts, he knew that he wouldn’t get even a second of sleep.

But he didn’t want them to know that. So he pretended to not notice how Dowoon had entered the room, tried not to notice how Dowoon’s voice was shaking and how hard Wonpil was crying.

The moment that Dowoon climbed the stairs, the leader had opened his eyes, his gaze fixed on the wall.

 --

11th of October, 2017

The Unit had released their first music video. Teaser music video, to be exact.

Wonpil played the video in the highest quality possible, his face close to the computer screen. He was alone in his room.

Junhyeok may have joined the auditions, but the matter of him passing or failing it was still unknown.

But this. This video. It could tell him whether or not Junhyeok made it.

Wonpil went through the video once, searching for a familiar face.

Jae suddenly entered the room, brandishing a laptop. He plopped down onto the floor and said, “Send me the link. I’ll help you find him.”

Wonpil smiled. “Yes, hyung.”

Five minutes passed when Jae suddenly let out a scream. Wonpil jumped from his seat and fell onto the floor next to his friend.

“I think I found him,” the eldest said excitedly. “Years of playing Where’s Waldo really payed off.”

Wonpil’s eyes were glued to the laptop screen. Jae had paused it on an image of the boys in white costumes. After a couple seconds of staring, Jae rewinded the video a little, slowing it down and letting it play on loop.

“It’s so blurry,” Wonpil finally said. “But I think that’s him.”

“So Junhyeok is on The Unit, then?”

Wonpil nodded. “It appears so. But I think we should wait for the individual videos to make sure.”

--

15th of October, 2017

Days later, Junhyeok’s individual slow-motion teaser video was released, confirming everything.

Wonpil was lying on his bed when he received the notification. His finger had pressed the play button when Jae, Brian, and Dowoon barged into the room, each holding their cellphones. Wonpil peeked into the bottom bunk to see that Sungjin was also clutching onto his phone, the same video on the screen.

They all ended up huddled on Sungjin’s crowded bed as the leader resumed the video.

--

27th of February, 2016

"Hello, this is JYP Entertainment.

Up until now, Junhyeok who participated in activities as a member of DAY6 has officially withdrawn from the group and due to personal reasons his contract has been canceled.

Please continue to support Junhyeok who is going down a new path along with DAY6 as they are currently preparing to meets fans with a new album.

Thank you."

--

15th of October, 2017

The Day6 members made a deal:

1. They would watch The Unit.
2. They would allow themselves to cry, scream, and get lost in as much memories as they wanted to on the day the episode aired.
3. They had to be professional. After crying, screaming, and taking multiple trips down memory lane, they still had to remember that they had schedules and performances and they would do their ultimate best.
4. They would support Im Junhyeok, no matter what.

--

Middle of 2016

Months had passed since Junhyeok officially left the band and company. It was amazing how at first, Wonpil had grasped desperately onto his ability to disbelieve and deny everything that was happening. But that ability crumbled the moment that Junhyeok’s belongings disappeared from the dorm.

There were changes. Lots and lots of changes.

Dowoon had moved into Jae and Brian’s room. Along with the synthesizer, Wonpil was also now in charge of keyboards. They had to redistribute song parts. There was one less brilliant mind to pitch in brilliant ideas during their song-making process.

And those were just a couple of things from an endless list of differences that occurred after Junhyeok left.

They continued to hurt. Years of training and struggling together had made them close and bond ever so tightly.

They had promised to keep in touch with each other— the members and Junhyeok.

And at first they did. They really did.

They would all remember the times spent together with the former Day6 member.

Wonpil would remember building Gundam action figures together. He remembered how they had teased each other constantly for fun, and how tightly Junhyeok had hugged him during one of their showcases. And he would remember the name Junhyeok gave him: Pirimiri.

Sungjin would remember making melodies with Junhyeok when the clock struck 3 AM in the morning. He and the keyboardist would look at each others’ tired, zombie-like faces. And then they’d burst out laughing. They would also go out and exercise with each other.

Jae would remember how he and Junhyeok had struck weird poses during radio shows, and how on one of the shows they had both worn thick sunglasses to protect their newly-operated eyes from the lights. (“Lasik bros,” Jae had said. “From now on, we are lasik bros.”)

Brian would remember the times he helped Junhyeok set his keyboard. (“The keyboard is bigger than you, hyung,” the younger member had said jokingly. Junhyeok would thank him with a sheepish grin on his face.) They would also go through lyrics together, forgetting the time and getting lost in the music.

And Dowoon. Dowoon would remember his roommate and his weird habits and everything. How Junhyeok excitedly urged him to take photos together, how Junhyeok imitated his deep voice, and how Junhyeok took care of him fondly like a big brother.

Everyone had their own ways of coping. For Wonpil, it was taking a walk to familiar places.

It was in the late evening when he found himself walking near the Han River. His gaze automatically went to the spot where the six of them had busked together.

He remembered the wind blowing through their hair that day, the warmth of the sun on their skin, shoving microphones at each other’s faces during song parts, and the fun they all had.

How he wished they could go back to those happier, simpler times. Just six boys chasing their dreams, singing their hearts out and laughing together.

It was beautiful. They were beautiful.  

It took time. A lot of time. But as months and months passed and the seasons changed, they learned to accept it. How Day6 was now a band of five people, and that Junhyeok would pursue music in his own path.

Slowly, the hurt began to fade. It was still there, of course. It would return every time they thought of the former member. It would be sharp and painful. But they learned to cope with it more and more. They knew that Junhyeok wouldn’t have wanted his friends to stay static in their own sadness. He would have wanted them to rise up, to keep going.

And so that was what they did. They rose and kept going.

It was time to let go, they all knew. Letting go was what they had to do.

Author's end notes:

Please do check out this cover of 'Say Something' by Junhyeok, Wonpil, and Dowoon , and also these photos of him being adorable dorks with the boys.

((also feel free to drop a comment and we can scream and cry about Junhyeok, The Unit, and Day6 together))