May, 27th, 2017

It was in the beginning of summer, early summer, when all the bugs appear, when the hot tempurature begins to approached. From the color of sunrise, brighter and brighter every hour, the hot air passes by my hair and rests on my shoulders, I feel heavy, uncomfortable. 

Summer, the season of vacation, at some point, when the children at school can hang out and have fun, when parents planning on field trips for their kids, when workers can finally have a break after their long time of working, when days are longer than nights, and when the beach exhales its air into the city giving a chill to their spines, making everything seems so special about it. Yes, I guess I do like summer, but every summer, would be the same to me.

I reach my hand out, block the burning rays that pass through the glasses window of my room, bright and hot, yet giving me warm. The sound of bugs, traveling outside of the window, makes me feel calm. Well, at least for now, let me enjoy this feeling alone, no interruption, silent, and ease.  We never know what would happens next, no one knows what would happen to their life. 

*knock knock*

Oh guess who's here, I sign, probably know who's behind that wooden door and pretty sure what will the person going to tell me.

"Jungkookie, don't you wanna go outside and hang out with some friends?"

Friends? I snort, no, i didn't snorted because it was funny, i snorted because what this person just said was ridicilous. What friend?, had she ever have an idea that I never bring someone home, had she ever thinks bout how I always get home early, have she ever thought the reason why I'm always stuck my head inside this room?  

"Not now omma, maybe this afternoon, I will, but not now"

She looks at me concern, what would she be concern about, I'm too much to be concern, she should think more about it, but it is too late, think about how I has always being left out, how people talk behind my back, how my life have always being a small circle, with white line around it, and me, staying inside it, with the thought of never getting out.

But it wasn't my mother's fault, thinking about my father, it actually makes me stressed.

It's been four years since I had stepped into this country. Where there are fifty states, and where many immigrant people live. America, the country that every people that aren't in yet wishing to come, the country which many people thought of having a better life when they move in, that may be true, but, how long can you be patience? My family, are living patiencely, yes, I approved, but that won't change the fact that I move school every year just because my father couldn't get himself a job that benefit our whole family.

What could I do about it? As long as they raise me, I can't complain about their decisions, and just focus on what I should be doing. 

I try hard, and love to challenge myself, but living under and poor condition I don't think my opportunity would be big enough for me to success on my goal. And as I already said, 

I.can't.complain

I will have to live like this until I graduate from high school. And until that day comes, my life would be the same, day by day, night by night, and Jeon Jungkook would still be the leftover dish of society.

 

June 2nd, 2017

I check my phone, grabbing the Original Pringles Potato Chip that sits on my bed and open up the cap

9:42 p.m

Oh, it's almost ten o'clock? That's fast?? I must be wasted my day today watching some "BT21 Try Not To Laugh Challenge" videos, but I wasn't regret, and I won't, because why would I, BT21 are my thang, and I will love them forever. 

BT21 is a korean boy band group, which have seven members on it, and every member, are literally god, well that's what I've been told myself to. They are the inpriration source of my life, their music influents me, and each member, has a charm of their own.

When I was young, my mother had told me I have talent, and every night she would invite the neighbors whom lived near our house to come to ours and listen to me singing, I was very shy, and I don't really like to sing in front of people like that, but my mother had cheered me, and sing it with me. But after we moved from Korea to USA, I don't do that anymore, everything has changed, and I will have to fit myself into this new environment.

What I have been interested on doing nowhere days, was to sing, but I'm no longer showing to my mother, nor my father.

There was an karaoke app which is very popular, had pulled my attention. At first, I wasn't really like it, the quality was bad, and the sound after recording wasn't that great, I didn't expect much from the app, but that was three years ago. Until recently, maybe November two thoudsands and sixteen, I reinstalled it, and it's been upgraded so much that so many things had change in there. The quality had improved, but wasn't the best. I would expect for more, and that will be the future, but for now, I would like to sing and release my stress.

 

I had met many friends in there, well, to be honest, we are like acquaintances, and most of us are from different countries, but we all speak English together and helping each other when we need, I was happy, for the first time, I actually feel that i'm not being left out, I actually felt that there are people around the world that worth than people who lives close to you. 

 

January 21st, 2017

I was wandering around the app, and I found an audition. The description said that "Audition for BT21 Cover group", For once, I actually pay attention to something, and as I read the description and rules about the audition, I joined it three mintunes later, and I decided to do Cypher Pt. 4.

I wasn't sure how many people joined the audition, all I remembered was a lot of people joined, and I was one of eighteen people who got in as trainees. Surely after got in the entertainment, I found out that, the CEO of this whole Entertainment, was a fan of Cooky, the golden maknae of BT21.

I do love Cooky, I love all of them, but the member who drawed my attention the most was Mang, the lead rapper. I sing a lot, but also want to try out rap, at least, once in my life, so here I am, Jeon Jungkook, will going to cover BT21's songs, as Mang. 

I had met so many kind people in there, that I couldn't count off, especially the CEO, his name was Hoseok, he was the kindest guy I have met in my life, he was funny, and sweet, he rarely show himself when he spoke to us, but as long as I can feel his presence, it is enough to know.

 

February 16th, 2017 

When BT21 had release a comeback with the songs 'Spring Day' and 'Not Today', I had met this one guy, his name is Yoongi, but he likes people to call him Suga, maybe he wasn't as sweet as his name, but he was knowledgeable, he was strong, and mostly childish, but that were what I like about him. He is an amazing rapper, maybe one of the best I have known, he has a drunk style when he rap, but his emotions are always included in each of them, everytimes he did a cover, they were all in fires, and cunning.

Until one day, he joined the entertainment and got in as a rapper who cover Shooky in BT21, I was shook. Maybe he was there for awhile without me noticing, but when he speaks, he was quiet and misterious. Until I get along with him, he had showed me a lot of interesting things about himself, he loves to sleep, and he loves to make joke about how Shooky has a three dollars chain.

April 17th, 2016

I recieved a message, must be from Line app, there was this one guy who just joined our entertainment, and his set his name as "CuálEsTú#", which was very weird, he started calling out people like they were his best friends, and he called me a 'bytch', which turned out, we become friends and call each other 'bytch', his name was Seokjin, but we likely calling him Jin, he has this one hysterical laughter that sounds so much like a windshield whipper, and he likes to show it to us when we all have a group call. He likes to call 'bytch' to strangers, and do hand kissing, but when someone says the real curse words, he would yelled at them, and tells them to change it. 

But once day, when we have close enough to each other, he decided to not calling each other 'bytch', he told me to not calling him like that, maybe it's because he believes we are close enough to not saying words like that. I understand, he did that because he was afraid, maybe no one would likes him, maybe he will lonely if he doesn't do anything, maybe people wouldn't like him if he wasn't active enough.

He made me feel like him at some point, I do feel the same, trying to gain attentions, and at some point when I just joined this entertainment, I did the same, well not exactly the same, just similar. But I guess I don't anymore.

As time passing, we started to talk like we are relatives, and I was glad to hear that, he's also living in USA, which is sometimes I joked by calling it 'Trumpland' (oh please don't get offended, I'm sorry if you're mad at me, you can hate me, I will still love you.), and sometimes maybe we will release our stress by sharing our stories. To be honest, I don't tell him much, but I was happy that he does sometimes pays attention to my life even though it's not worth his time.

 

May 8th, 2017

I got invited into this group chat, which i don't even know why am I there, many people were in that group chat, and I met this one guy who name was set as "_taeyang_", He asks me what's my name, and I jokely say "Hoesuck", and he sets my name into "Hoesuck My D" two minutes later, which made me blush, and I nearly curse and him, but I couldn't, because I was in a car which had my father sitting next to me driving it. _taeyang_'s name is Namjoon, and his stage name is Rap Monster, he was and amazing rapper, as swag as Yoongi hyung, and I do enjoy listening to him, sadly, we hadn't talk much. Until two months later, when he sets his name as "kekker #1", I ask him "who are you?" in the main group chat, he responded, "Jungkook, you forgot me?"

"i'm sorry my mind isn't function right now..."

"ya, it's Namjoon, your hyung, Rap Monster!"

"oh man holy- i'm sorry," I surprised, "it's because you changed your nickname and I hadn't saved your name yet"

"wow, i'm hurt"

and we continued to talk after that.

 

May 18th, 2017

 

"Ya Kookie, have you heard about one new guy joined us?"

"no? who's that?"

"oh he's very cute, his way of talking was so innocent, you should meet him someday, I think you guys would look good together"

"What is his name?" I ask curiously, who is this guy that made Suran noona hype so much?

"It's Taehyung, he want his stage name to be V, and I think it's really funny"

"What makes you think it's funny? V can stands for uh...Victory and...a- and Vibe and Vir-" I stun, oh wow..."...gin"... "yeah... ..." I whispered under my breathe

"PFFFF I KNOW RIGHT HAHAHAHA" noona laughs so hard I couldn't even see her eyes through the screen

"Well that's a little bit mean noona, anyways, I'm glad we have new member" 

" You know what's funnier?" she is actually dying from laughter at the moment, "he told me to call him oppa"

"OPPA??" i amazed, " LIKE... for real???" I lower my voice"

"OH MY GOD YESSSS"

"b-but aren't y-you, the older??" I actually snort this time

"I KNOWWWW, THAT IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU"

"oh my jeon, I will definitely going meet this guy, he's amazing" I clap my hands like a seal and laugh until I see stars.