The first time Jessica dials the phone, she only lets it ring once before she hangs up. The second time she lets it ring. When she hears Taeyeon’s voice on the other end she can’t bring herself to speak, lets her silence speak for itself. But even she knows she’s done that one too many times.

-

 

She calls again, just to hear her voice. She didn’t realize it was the little things she’d miss the most. Taeyeon stays on the line for awhile, at first she simply seems annoyed at the lack of response. But then the line goes silent and Jessica knows it isn’t because the call ended.

“Jessica?” Taeyeon’s voice comes out like a whisper and Jessica feels go dry.

“Yeah,” her voice comes out softer than she intends.

“I miss you,” Taeyeon says, almost abruptly. “I don’t know why I said that, I guess it’s just the easiest of all the things I want to say.”

“Maybe one day it won’t be so hard to say them anymore,” Jessica closes her eyes tight, like she’s trying to imagine the look on Taeyeon’s face. Like maybe it would be easier if she could just see her face again.

“Yeah, maybe.” The line clicks and the call ends. And Jessica feels an ache she can’t quite name.

 

-

 

I miss you. The words swirl inside her mind, why didn’t she just say she missed her too? Why was this so hard? She remembers the word ‘forever’ and how although it was such an impossible word, with Taeyeon it felt just within reach. Everything felt in reach by her side, now only one thing was out of her reach and it felt like some kind of cruel irony.

 

-

 

She’s laying on the sofa, mindlessly flipping through the channels on tv. Trying to drown out everything in her mind. The only thing to snap her out of her channel surfing induced daze, is her phone buzzing on the coffee table. The name that flashes on the screen practically taunts her. Taeyeon. Jessica debates for a moment before finally picking up, “hello?”

“Hey,” she starts. “I wasn’t sure you’d answer.”

Jessica hates whatever this is in the air between them now. Something toeing the line between awkward and unfinished. “Why wouldn’t I? I called first didn’t I?” Her tone is borderline playful. Well, almost.

“No, I know. I meant the timezones.” Taeyeon sounds like she’s smiling.

Jessica swears she hears a soft laugh in response to her quiet, “oh”. She rolls her eyes and for a moment she feels something close to nostalgia blossoming in her chest. “I miss you too,” she blurts out. And never before has she felt so clumsy and uncoordinated.

There’s a pause on the other end of the line before Taeyeon replies finally. “That means a lot,” she says. And somehow that says more in four words than what either of them have managed to get out in years.

 

-

 

The knock on the door is nothing if not surprising. It’s past midnight and she definitely was not expecting anyone. Jessica feels her heart stop when she opens the door. “Taeyeon?” The first thing she notices about Taeyeon is she’s exhausted, the second being her nervousness. She doesn’t realize she’s staring (re: gaping), until the other woman asks to come in. “Well, can I?”

“Oh, yes, come in,” she says stepping aside to allow room for her to enter. “What are you doing here?” Jessica feels her heartbeat drumming in her ears, she feels like everything is muffled and in slow motion. The only thing to knock her out of the fog is Taeyeon’s hand on her shoulder.

“I was in the city and I wanted to see you. Are you okay?”

Jessica looks up, meets her eyes, and for a moment she feels like the air has been knocked out of her. “I’m fine,” she wants to ask since when does Taeyeon want to see her? Since when did the bitterness dissipate into missing? But instead she’s grateful for small miracles. “I’m glad you’re here,” she’ll say instead.

 

-

 

It’s half past 4 in the morning and she finds herself curled into Taeyeon on the sofa. They had spent all night talking, it was like old times, as cliche as that may have sounded. Of course they had grown apart, of course they had grown in different directions. But some people you never outgrow, not fully, and no matter how much it feels like you have.

She almost nudges Taeyeon, tells her how late it is, she doesn’t though. She instead finds herself watching her, before leaning back onto her shoulder and falling back asleep. Again, small miracles.