“From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

October 2017

The alarm rang so loud. He suddenly woke up and looked at the ceiling. He felt so bad, very bad. He had a fight last night with his girlfriend through phone. He hurt her, indeed. He made her cry definitely. For the past few months, they’ve been argued a lot. They made up quite fast but then few days later they fought again.

He got up and looked around. He found a white t-shirt hanging on his closet, a white t-shirt with her damn good fragrant. She liked to use his clothes a lot and suddenly it made him smile, realizing how stupid he was making her crying over and over again. But it’s hard, so damn hard to hold on something they can’t solve.

He grabbed his phone and saw neither call nor text from her. She was so upset definitely. He was mad last night, both were feeling exhausted but he didn’t mean to cut her feeling. He just said the wrong words in the wrong time. So, she cut the phone last night.

“But now we're slipping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees”

He sighed and decided to keep it in the wardrobe. He heard his phone ringing. Quickly, he took it and checked who’s calling. He just hoped it’s her.

“Yoboseyo?”, he said.

“Hyung!”, he noticed the voice, the smile disappeared. “Oh, Chanyeol”

“Have you decided it yet?”

“What?”

“We want to go to Japan together, want you join or not?”

He then remembered the last time he met Chanyeol he mentioned about going to spend his free time with Zico and Taejoon. “Damn. I forgot.”

“So?”

He thought about it for a while. Will she call me later? He thought. But she might be busy. He remembered their last conversation she would have few fan meetings probably outside the country. “Count me in”, he answered.

“Ok. It’s 10 PM flight. Don’t forget to wear your mask!”

***

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
And I'll be me
 

Japan

It’s been fun. They’ve been around Tokyo and had great days there. He thought he could forget about all his problems for a while. But he couldn’t. Once in a while, he checked on his phone. Still, she didn’t call him.

“Jonghyun hyung, you have a fight with Yoona nuna?”, Chanyeol spoke up, all eyes on them. Taejoon just stopped munching right after Chanyeol said that. “Jinjja?”, Taejun asked.

Jonghyun remained silent.

“Yah, let’s eat”, Zico said, knowing that Jonnghyun didn’t want to talk about it.

“Make sure you call her first, hyung”, Chanyeol said. That night he felt like Chanyeol slapped him on the face. He actually didn’t know what to do. He thought that they needed space but it hurt. He really didn’t want to think about it. Can we just treasure our love like it used to be? He thought deeply.

“From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we're living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore?
I used to recognize myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away”
 

The next day, they were going home. Jonghyun just checked on Naver again and again. He found the news about Yoona. She will be an MC for Busan Intenational Film Festival with Jang Dong Geun, his previous appa. No, she didn’t tell him about this before. Honestly? He’s mad about it but they’re not in a good term that moment so he had no reason to be mad. But, he missed her very much, he missed her voice so bad he wanted to hear it all night long.

He dared himself to call her after he arrived. The group was separated and went to their own car. Jonghyun quickly entered in his car and grabbed his phone, quickly called her. “Just please answer the phone, baby”, he said to himself, a little bit nervous. His manager just shook his head lightly, “You guys have a fight again? Ckckck You guys are 27 years old. Seriously?”, he nagged him, but Jonghyun just didn’t care. He wanted to hear any word from her. Is it too late to say sorry? Is it too complicated to make this up?

He tried to call her again and again but she didn’t answer.

“Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make it feel right, no”

***

“Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now's the time to let it slide

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Let the ashes fall
Forget about me”
 

Heading to Busan, 4 PM

He decided to go to Busan. Gimhae was so crowded that day so he went with the train instead. He checked his phone again. Yoona was filling all media, not only because of Girls’ Generation news but also BIFF. He admitted it, she looked stunning with white backless dress last night. Oh he really wanted to back hug her and kissed her neck. But she didn’t answer his in’ call. So, he decided to call Minho and asked where they stay. Minho told him where they stay also gave another info. “Hyung, we hung out with Yejin nuna and Jang Dong Geun sunbaenim last night. He asked a lot about you since we’re in Busan. He knows about you and Yoona nuna. He asked her a lot about you too, but she didn’t look fine. Do you guys have a fight?”, he asked nonchalantly. That Brat seriously, always straight to the point, he thought. “See you tonight”, he cut the phone, hearing Minho’s protest. “Of course she looked not fine. She’s sad.”, he murmured.

He tried again to call her and finally she answered the phone. But both were in silence for a while.

“Where are you?”,he asked.

“What do you want?”, she asked coldly. Jonghyun didn’t feel mad, he’s actually so happy to hear her voice again.

“Nevermind. I’ll be there soon.”, he said. Yoona didn’t say a thing until Jonghyun cut the call. He then texted her.

“I know you’re still in Busan. You’ll attend Marie Claire event so I’ll be waiting in the hotel”. He sent it. For some reasons, he felt relieved.

***

Yoona just read that. Even in the middle of event she looked at her phone several times. She’s still mad with him. What he said back then was hurting her so bad, but she couldn’t stop thinking about him. After receiving an award and attended the gala, Yoona decided to go to her room. She’s so exhausted. Being an entertainer for half of her life is so exhausting yet incredible at the same time. But when she has so many problems, still she has to show her best smile. She told her manager to leave her in the room alone. She just wanted to take a shower and sleep.

No. she didn’t forget about what Jonghyun said today. Even in the shower, she clearly remembered what he wanted. But would she be able to forgive him? She wore her pajamas and went to her bed. She put herself on the bed and put the blanket. She checked her phone and got three missed call from him. Well, she felt guilty. She wanted to call him back so bad but it hurt. She put her phone on the table and suddenly she felt someone hugged her from behind.

Yoona looked surprised. “It’s trespassing”, she said softly while looking at his face. It’s Lee Jonghyun. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”, she said, ready to stand up but he grabbed her wrist and embraced her. He could see her teary eyes. All of a sudden he felt so guilty. “No. I won’t forgive you”, she said while pouting . He caressed her cheeks, “I know. I made a mistake. Just please sleep with me tonight. Let me hug you this time”

He hugged her tight even before she could say no. He could feel her warmth, how he missed her so much. They’ve been busy and argued a lot. It felt like redemption. But deep down Jonghyun knew he’s unforgivable, he just wanted to feel her scent and warmth. “Don’t cry. I don’t deserve your tears”, he could feel her tears on his chest. He pulled the blanket and rubbed her back softly. “I always record a song for you every time we have no time to meet. Now I will sing a lullaby for you. Let’s make it work for tonight since you don’t want me to say Sorry anymore.”. Yoona nodded slightly.

“널 만날 수 있는 날 친굴 만났고
끊이지 않던 대화가 이젠 끊기고
널 바라보다가 다른 사람을 겹쳐봤어
누군가 내 안에 들어온 것도 아닌데

(On a day I could see you, I met my friends instead
Conversations that wouldn’t end are now ended
I looked at you but now I overlapped you with someone else
Though it’s not like someone else came inside of me)

사랑한단 말은 점점 미안하고
억지로 한 것뿐인데 넌 좋아하고
너에게만 나는 아주 바쁜 사람
내 연락을 기다리다가 또 잠들겠지

(I felt more and more sorry when I said I love you
I said it forcefully but that still made you happy
I’m a very busy person, only to you
You’ll probably fall asleep while waiting for my call)” – Park Won (Effort)

He sang it until both of them fell asleep.

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