Hoseok closes his eyes, breathing labored, chest heaving, shoulders rising and falling to match his ragged, unsteady breaths. His hands close around his own throat, eyes shutting tighter as his fingers dig into the sides of his throat, his mouth open in a silent cry; a plea for it all to stop.

He chokes on his own breath, the swirl of blue petals in his lungs, the blue that drowns out everything in Hoseok's grey, grey world.

His favorite color used to be blue.

Hoseok's lips quirk upwards into a bitter smile. He remembers when he had things under control, when his world wasn't always spinning and when he could breathe without the flowers that threatened to clog his throat.

Hoseok remembers having soft brown locks brushing against his neck as Hyungwong slept on his shoulder. He remembers when he could brush his fingertips over the scars and bruises left on his only companion and sweep every stray strand of brown from Hyungwon's closed eyes. He remembers the unspoken words and the soft conversations that melted into the midnight air. He remembers whispering sweet nothings as Hyungwon cried into his shoulder, harsh whimpers begging for a day when he wouldn't have to succumb to the heavy hand of responsibility that took everything from the taller boy. He remembers, he remembers, he remembers.

Hyungwon was torn from his side by a man with snow-dyed hair who talked too much and shed so much light over their dull, monochromatic world that it left everyone staring.

Hoseok couldn't be surprised. After all; how could he compete with someone whose very existence defied the world around them. An existence that dazzled and shined and only grew brighter as he blessed everyone with his laughter filled to the brim with joy and love that seemed to deny the darkness that overwhelmed them.

It happened so suddenly that Hoseok didn't see it coming.

Hoseok's laugh sounds foreign even to him: ice cold and devoid of emotion, so different from his usual warmth. All he feels is a dull numbness, the lack of feeling spreading its way down his chest, seizing his heart and encasing it in a shroud of cold that was welcomed after months of fiery pain threatening to burn him from the inside out. He feels the numbness course through his veins, making his forehead throb as his fingertips bask in the numbness.

Hoseok recalls. He remembers catching the two in their own little bubble: heads lightly pressed against each others, fingers interlocked, smiles so bright that Hoseok wanted nothing more than to break them. The sound of Hyungwon's laughter burned into his skull, shattering him completely because it wasn't him that was making his Hyungwon smile.

Hoseok denied it. He would find himself with his palms over his eyes, his hands gripping so tightly to the sides of his skull the a part of him hoped that it would break; crumble between his hands and snatch him away from the pain that refused to ease its grip on his heart.

He watches as their own interactions dwindled.

Hoseok was bitter, envy making a home in his heart as he realizes Hyungwon didn't turn to him for protection anymore. His hour long conversations dwindled to minutes, then to seconds, then to brief exchanges that left Hoseok with a horrible emptiness in his chest as Hyungwon's world shifted further and further away from his own.

Hoseok wanted to forget. He wanted to, but he couldn't. Not when Minhyuk proudly declared his and Hyungwon's relationship in front of everyone. Not when Hoseok can still remember Hyungwon's bashful smile as the rest of the group cheers for the newfound couple. Hoseok can never forget the way Hyungwon met Hoseok's eyes, brown hues glimmering and hopeful as he silently asks for Hoseok's approval. It takes Hoseok's every scrap of willpower to force a smile to carve its way on his features and the smile that Hyungwon gives him leaves Hoseok's heart sinking even further.

The memory leaves petals bubbling up his throat, feeling like acid clawing up his neck as his body shakes in an effort to control itself.

Squeezing out a loud sob, Hoseok lets every emotion he's had over the past few months finally come to light. Flowers blossom in his lungs, seeping out onto the floor in a rain of blue petals in such a storm that Hoseok forgets how to breathe. The grip on his throat grows tighter, constricting and restricting; forbidding Hoseok to ever forget as his world collapses around him, the greys melting away into a harsh black.

"I loved you." was all he could say before the world finally stops spinning and his hands fall limply by his sides.