Much to the contrary of how people see me, I regret a lot of things. I may have decided a lot for the sake of my team but I have a few regrets of my own. And one of those things is leaving them.

           Two years ago, I pleaded BangPD-nim to let me go. I wanted to have a life away from the cameras, away from the inspecting eyes of the public. I may have basked in fame for a long time already but now, I just want to put a stop to this. I wanted to live on my own, work like any other regular citizen, and make personal life choices without crashing the group's reputation. And when I left BTS, I left him.

           Everyone, I bet, knows I love Seokjin-hyung. I think all the members know the relationship between us. But they didn't say a word about it. They just went along with the flow and pretend they didn't notice how closer we get day-by-day. I told Seokjin I wanted us to live in peace and he suggested that we should just admit it to everyone but coming out to the public isn't a choice either. With the huge following we already have, I know BTS is going to go down with that ‘scandal’. Having thought of the consequences, I realized how suffocating it is in this industry. As a result, I wanted myself out of the team. I got a lot of hates and criticisms and I also received words of comfort telling me it's all going to be okay--that whatever I'm going through right now will be just in the passing and I'd be fine. But I know in myself, that very decision just made things a whole lot worse.

           “I want to go back at the time I was about to plead BangPD-nim to let me leave the group,” I closed my eyes and remembered that day in detail. I remember how dim the lighting was in my studio. I was scrolling through a compilation of our group’s photos and videos together, thinking so hard about what my life would be without them. Honestly, it was so vague. I have spent more than half of my life with these boys and living without them seemed to be impossible. But it happened. I got myself out of BTS. And I got myself in more troubles.

           I open my eyes and see Hoseok with his handphone. It looks like I ended up in Hoseok's studio.

           “Joonie-hyung! Look everyone! Our Namjoonie-hyung visited us! Say hi to the ARMY, hyung.” Hoseok is delighted to see me inside his studio. He is currently live on VApp. Finally, after so long, he has decided to hold his solo broadcast. I thought hard of what year it had been. Second half of 2017? 2018? Seems like I've travelled back to 2018.

           “Hi, ARMY! I missed you all!” I wave at the camera and comments are flooded.

           “But hyung, you just had your broadcast earlier in the morning,” Hoseok reminds me and shakes his head. “Don’t mind hyung. The screws in his head are a bit loose right now. He has been spending a lot of time inside his studio these past few days.”

           “Yeah, right. How are you, ARMY? I love you so much, okay?” I assured our fans. I know that after I use all of my three wishes, I’d be going back to my life alone. This isn’t permanent. I have to go back to reality.

           “They know that very well. Anyway, don’t you have anything to do, hyung? C’mon, this is my comeback solo broadcast!” Hoseok tries to shoo me away.

           “Aight, man. Enjoy,” I chuckled. I go out of Hoseok’s studio and walked the hallway. I still remember the times we ran here; everyone excited to hear each other’s individual works.

           “Oh, hyung? Aren’t you going to talk to Jin-hyung? C’mon, make up with him already. Please?” Jungkook says at the sight of me. I can clearly remember this time. Seokjin and I weren’t on good terms because I have already told him my plan on leaving BTS. I also remember how much I’ve searched for him everywhere but ended up not finding him at all and never seen him afterwards except on the TV screen.

           “But before that, can you assure me we will be easily gathered for a feast at dinnertime when I finally get to talk to him?”

           “Sure, hyung. That’s what family is for.”

           Family. That is what I lost when I left. It isn’t just leaving BTS. It’s leaving Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook, and most especially, Seokjin. I left them the worst way possible. I didn’t leave any messages at all—no explanations, no-nothing. I wanted them to think I’m the worst so as not to blame themselves for my decision.

           I walk towards my room and locked the door. I made sure I am alone here and I closed my eyes. “I want to be where Seokjin’s at right at this moment.”