Today, something nice but weird has happened to me. I woke up early in the morning as usual as I had before and found that someone who made me do so.

"Lay?" I whispered. I looked at the guy's face in front of me. Though sleeping, his face still looked as beautiful as ever. He was quite smiling from what I remember; maybe because he was having a good dream at that moment. It was strange to see him, much more so finding him beside me. Why? Because he's dead.

"Hmm?" Lay mumbled. Maybe he heard me calling his name. This scenario has already happened before. This was always the scenario when he was still living--me calling out his name and him mumbling. 

"Are you real?" I asked and reached out to touch his face. He opened his eyes before my hand even touched his face and he held my hand.

"Don't you want to hold my hand and feel its warmth instead?" He asked as he intertwined our hands and leaned in closer to me. "I'll miss these kinds of mornings, Seulgi." He leaned in closer and closer until our lips met.

One. Two. Three.

I opened my eyes and Lay had his eyes closed and still kissing me. The moist of his lips and the warmth his body that still radiates on me...this must not be a dream. It felt real. It looked real. Lay was...alive.

When our lips parted, he looked at me and smiled sweetly. I didn't smile back. All of these confused me. 

Everything seemed to be real. Noticing the confusion on my face, he asked worriedly, "What's wrong?"

"You're real, right?" 

Lay moved closer to me and hugged me tight. "Did you have a bad dream again? Like, me leaving you? That I'm already dead because of the car crash last winter at the intersection?" 

Lay died last winter. It is true. That is what happened at the reality...but what is this? I was working late on that night and he insisted that he would fetch me from our company building. It was snowing so hard and the streets were glazed…slippery. He wasn’t wearing his prescription glasses when he drove and didn’t see the stoplight. He tried to hit the brake before he crosses the line but his tires slipped and a truck…a truck…hit his car. I shouldn’t have let him come over. I should’ve told him that I can go home on my own. Or that he could just walk to my office and we’ll walk on our way home. We could’ve had spent more time together instead—he would have been alive instead…he wouldn’t have died…because of me. 

"Don't worry, Seulgi. That won't happen. I'm alive, see?" He broke the hug and showed off his body. "I'm healthy. I'm alive. I'm in flesh. This is the reality, honey."

Reality. What is it? Now that this is happening, I've already lost the real meaning of reality. 

Lay jumped off the bed and dressed himself with the shirt on the table. "Sad to say Zhang Yixing is off the menu this breakfast. You already had him last night so maybe you could have him again tonight? For now, I'll cook you a decent breakfast. C'mon now." He winked at me and left me in our room.

When he has already left to make our breakfast, I studied all the things in our room—how and where are it arranged, what color are they in, everything. Our wedding portrait still looked the same. His smile so fake and his eyes obviously irritated because the gown I was supposed to wear on that day got mishandled. It was my dream gown. He designed it for me but on the day itself, the gown had a tear and no one knew how it happened and it really angered him. But thanks to the magic of love, I was able to calm him down a bit. The same flowers he brings me home every night was still on the vase with colored flower. I have always loved flowers in blue and violet colors. When he was still alive, he found it weird that I love these artificial colors on flowers but he had never failed to put food coloring on the vase with water. All the pictures we have pinned on the cork board still looked the same containing our pictures when we were still friends, our dates when he was still courting me, then our pictures when we got together—the anniversaries and holidays spent together, and the pictures we took inside this very house when we got nothing else to do but admire each other’s hearty smiles. Everything looked the same as it has since he died. No, I didn’t rearrange it to make it easier for me to forget him. I never wanted to forget him. 

Maybe it took me a long time before coming downstairs at the kitchen where Lay was busy making pancakes that’s why as he heard my footsteps, he said, “Did you forget about me and breakfast?” 

“Oh, I would never forget breakfast…much more so of forgetting you,” I said and he laughed the way he used to whenever I told him I love him more than I love all the boy groups and actors combined when we were still boyfriend and girlfriend.

“Sit, we’re going to have a feast.”

“What for?” I asked and sat on the kitchen stool. On the counter, rest lots of dishes waiting to be devoured in minutes. I noticed how Lay cooked my favourite breakfast dishes—from the eggs, to the pancakes and spam, from the milk to the orange juice, and how perfect his toast looks like. “A happy face drawn on my eggs, huh? And flowers on my pancakes?”

“Yep.” Lay walked around the counter and hugged me from behind. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get you a flower.”

Maybe he thought he could lie to me but jokes on him, I already saw the vase of blue roses on the bedside table so I played along with him. I smiled tenderly at him. “No, Lay. It’s okay. I got more than what I asked for.” And that is to be with you again.

Lay responded with planting a kiss on my nose and then sat on the stool beside me. 

“Will you stay with me now?” I asked him.

“I can’t stay with you forever, Seulgi. But I’ll try to make the best out of the time I get to be with you.”

Again, today, I woke up and found him staring at me. I looked over at the clock and saw it’s just 7 in the morning. 

“Why are you awake already? We stayed up way too late. Get some more sleep, Lay. I’ll wake you up when breakfast is ready.” I kissed him on his lips and ruffled his hair.

I got up, washed up and went to the kitchen. I scanned the entire kitchen for ingredients of I don’t know what. Maybe whatever comes up to my mind when I see what I have in my cupboards? I opened the first cupboard and saw pancake ingredients. But we just had pancakes yesterday. Flour? Baking powder? Yeast? I can make a legit cake out of these, right? It’s not like pancakes and cakes are really the same…Hmm, maybe pancakes are like a third cousin of cakes? Whatever. Should I bake a cake and throw a mini party? Lay just came back so I think a party is really necessary. I gathered all the ingredients on the kitchen counter and the materials I need. First, I sifted all the powdered ingredients and mixed it onto a bowl. I set aside all the powdered ingredients and continued on thoroughly mixing it. While I was mixing, Lay came and sat on a kitchen stool, elbows propped on the counter and his face resting on both of his hands.

“C’mon, Lay. I can’t finish baking a cake if you’ll watch me like that,” I whimpered and moved to the other side of the kitchen but he still watched me with eyes overflowing with affection. I moved around the kitchen while carrying the mixing bowl and a whisk but he just doesn’t give up following my every movement. “Lay, I said stop.” He stopped following me with such eyes and just fiddled with the packages of powdered ingredients. I went back to my spot earlier in front of him and continued mixing in ingredients. I cracked eggs on a separate bowl for god-knows-how-long. I actually at cracking eggs because they end up destroyed on the yolks… Curious of what Lay is doing that he’s so quiet for the past minutes, I looked up at him only to be greeted by a blow of powder on my face. “Zhang Yixing!” 

“You , Seulgi! Let’s just play!” He stood from his seat and carried a pack of flour. He continued on throwing handful of flour at me. I carried the pack of baking powder and throws back at him. 

“Luck’s not on your side today, Mr. Zhang!”  I run after him, constantly throwing him handfuls of baking powder. But bam! Luck’s on his side, he was able to land one on my face… “Well, it ends there, mister.” I locked his head on my arms and smash the whole package on his face.

“Mom?”

“Oh! Jin Jin, you’re here?” I dropped the package on the floor but still had Lay’s head locked.

“Mom, what are you doing?” Jin Jin walks in and placed a paperbag full of blue roses on the counter. Blue roses? Did her dad ask her to buy a dozen for me?

“Playing with your dad? Hey, why didn’t you greet your dad?” I let go of my headlock on Lay and held his hand and waved at Jin Jin, our daughter.

“Hello, Jin Jin. I’m back!” Lay greeted our daughter whilst struggling to escape from me.

Jin Jin shook her head and approached me. “Mom, please. Stop hurting yourself. He’s not…” Tears begun flowing on her cheeks and she continued shaking his head while her head hung low. “He won’t ever come back anymore, mom. He’s dead.”

“Jin Jin, what are you saying? Earth to Jin Jin. He’s standing beside me, oh.” I held her face and wiped off tears on her face.

“Mom, let’s go back to your room. I’ll just… I’ll just talk to dad for a while.”

“Why can’t you just talk with me around?”

“I…I missed him. I want to talk to him alone. I’ll just…let’s go back to your room.” 

I waved bye to Lay and mouthed, “It’s not yet the end.” Jin Jin and I went to my room and she got the glass of water and a tablet on a small plate and came back to me. 

“Mom, take this. Afterwards, take a rest on the couch and I’ll get back at you, okay? Dad and I will just clean up the mess you two have made earlier,” she said and left. I did as she instructed me—I took the tablet and sat on the couch by the window. 

I didn’t realize I had slept and when I woke up, I saw Jin Jin and her boyfriend. They were talking in a hush as if they didn’t want to be heard. With that, I pretended to be asleep.

“I already brought the blue flowers, Seojoon." Jin Jin let out a sigh. "I really thought the meds aren’t working on mom anymore. I panicked that’s why I called you. I don’t know, Seojoon. I don’t know what to do.”

“Your mom will be alright, okay? She already took her meds.”

“She got too much trauma from dad’s death. She blames herself for it. She started seeing hallucinations; she hears things no one can hear too. She has a schizoaffective disorder, Seojoon. I don’t know. I think this is too selfish of me to say but I’m getting tired already… It feels as though I’ve lost her too.” 

I couldn’t bear listening to my daughter. I couldn’t bear the thought of her losing me too even when I’m still alive. I don’t…I don’t want to make her feel so alone… “Jin Jin -ah,” I said and I couldn’t resist tears from falling. She and her boyfriend looked over their shoulders and stood up facing me. “I’m sorry.” I opened my arms, motioning her to come and embrace me. “I’m sorry if mom still can’t move on from your father’s death. I’m sorry for…all of this.” Jin Jin rushed to me and embraced me. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too, mom.”

“I love you, kid. So much.”

Lay died around this time of the year. It must be what has caused my hallucinations yesterday until earlier. I’ve forgotten to take my antipsychotic medications and antidepressants. I still couldn’t forgive myself for what has happened to my husband. He died because of…

“Mom, wake up now. It’s not your fault.”