you can skip this whole chunk if you don't feel like getting a backstory and jumping straight into that ~fantasy~ :

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college life in the city isn't really what it seems, compared to the scenes on hollywood that portray a wonderful, free girl walking around and getting brunch with her new college friends.

maybe it's just my judgemental, reclusive self, but i have no friends, and that entire narrative of college life here is bull. 

i go to an art school in the city, but i won't tell you which one or which city, because honestly, it doesn't really matter, and i want to protect my identity and dignity.

i'm a pretty blunt gal. people have been telling me that for years. i don't smile unless i want to, and i only speak when i think my words out extremely carefully. usually, when my window of opportunity of speaking closes, i don't open my mouth. that happens often, even when i had something really clever or conversation-provoking material to share. that's just who i am.

before you roll your eyes and say, "wow she's so cool. she's not like the other girls. she's quirky and edgy and everything that an emo tween wants to be!" i get it. i come off that way sometimes. i mean, i wish i could be that kind of girl without even trying, but in reality, my own description of myself is sorta bull too. as i am pretty distant with others, i am a total ing mess of awkwardness and irrationality. 

i think people think i'm shy, but honestly, i'm just quiet cause i don't like talking. also people probably assume that because i'm an asian girl. life . 

anyway, i have this one class that i was put in and honestly, i didn't think i was going to like it at first because it reminded me of an architect/engineer kind of course (basically, a course for smart people who know how to do and are good with logistics and stuff), but i had to admit, the professor was really cute. 

i guess i'll just start the story here

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he had tanned skin, and a pretty fit body. his hair looked kind of messy, but also very styled at the same time. it was kind of long at the top and short on the sides, with his long hair curving upwards in different directions. i don't really know how to explain it, but trust me, it looked nice. his square, black glasses complimented his sharp jawline, and his smile showed naturally straight teeth (as in they're straight, but not straight as in braces straight, yknow?). he looked young for a professor, like late twenties.

he carried a bike helmet on a strap of his bag, which probably explains his slim physique. i think.

he smiled as i walked in, two minutes early and out of breath, and said, "welcome to the class!" 

i sat down and the people in the classroom waited as everyone came and settled in. 

as all first classes go, he introduced himself and showed us the syllabus. 

for the sake of this story, let's say his name is mike. 

mike told us everything we needed to know about the course, but i could tell this was his first time teaching. he was kind of out of order with things and didn't really have his together. he would be like, "um... so that's it for the syllabus i think! so. what to do now..." 

he's a good teacher, just is all over the place.

i thought he was cute from the start.

fast forward a few weeks into school!!!!!!

i have a dream about him. 

it's not really a nasty, kind of dream. it was actually pretty wholesome. 

i don't know why, but he had kissed some people (i think other students??) on the cheeks because he was really happy for some reason.

when he turned to me however, he hesitated and kissed me on the lips. 

i was in so much shock. i guess i'm kind of a narcissist, but i feel like i know when guys are kinda into me. or maybe i'm just into them first, and i'm just pushing my feelings into how i portray them. i don't know. nevertheless, i always had a feeling that mike was sorta into me. whenever he spoke to me, he would smile and always complimented how hard i worked. it seemed like he would want to talk to me more, but as i am pretty distant, i always cut the conversation short, even though i also wanted to continue our banter. 

back to the dream. 

i remember being like, "what. did that just happen?" like, i had the feeling he was into me, but i never thought i was right, or i thought he would never do anything about it.

as i tried to form an audible question, mike realized what he had done and quickly walked out of the situation. 

i tried following him and eventually tried to find him, but i was unsuccessful.

then i ing woke up.

i was so frustrated! how can that just happen in one moment and in the next moment, poof!, it's all gone and unexplained?

 at this exact moment, i finally admitted to myself that i had developed a crush.

you know that whole nonsense theory that if you dream of someone you know, they dreamt or thought of you at the same moment?

as much as i tell myself that it's full of , i'd really like to imagine that mike indeed thought of me the time of my dream. in fact, i wished he had had a similar if not the exact dream i had. 

my last relationships had been . they were all white guys that were conservative (disclaimer: i honestly didn't know at the beginning of these relationships) and were extremely insecure. like, not that being insecure is a bad thing, and i think that guys who are insecure are way better than those douchebags that think they rule the world, but these dudes had some serious issues. which is bad, because i'm mentally ill. i need someone to support what i'm going through and be strong enough to handle my depressive episodes. it's a huge problem for me if i have to handle theirs while going through my own . plus, i have a feeling that all these guys had asian es. gross. 

anyway, mike was kinda everything i wanted in a guy. he was smart, artistic, funny, and intellectual. he kind of reminds me of what i think of jeon jungkook from bts--pretty much a well-rounded, perfect kind of guy. 

and i knew he didn't have an asian because he is asian. sidenote: he commented on how ghost in the shell was whitewashed and did the original anime dirty. i really admired that comment.

after that dream, i saw him in a totally new perspective. 

the next class i had with him, he skipped me when critiquing the whole class. he commented aloud on every single person's homework, but went from the student on my left, to the student on my right. i was a little disappointed cause i had worked hard on my homework.

anyway, remember what i had said about my suspicions? and how i hoped that he had had the same dream as me? well, boy did that scream something to me.

i felt like he was distant towards me the entire class, but when we were finally doing the assignment he gave us individually, he approached my desk and picked up my homework.

"wow, you really went into this, huh?"

i nodded, awkwardly trying to continue working on my assignment while trying not to blush.

"did you like doing this kind of stuff?"

i nodded again.

he smiled and put down my project, looking a little disappointed that i had, again, not said anything to develop an actual conversation.

when he walked back to the front of the room, i let out the deep breath i had unconsciously held when i first saw him approaching me from the corner of my eye.

"ugh, he's so cute!!!! why can't he talk to me more and pay more attention to me." i thought.

i wished he would have a one-on-one time with me, without everyone else in the classroom, but then my stomach churned as i realized how incredibly awkward that scene would have potentially played out.

class quickly ended as he had stated that he wasn't feeling so well that day. i felt bad for him.

after i had left the classroom, i went to my locker that was conveniently right around the corner of my classroom. i was in a hurry because i had to get to my next class within half an hour, but as i rushed past the classroom again to get to the elevators next to it, i noticed that mike had turned his head and looked at me from the other side of the room. he looked like he was going to say something in that split moment.

as i got into the elevator, i stood there, alone, wishing and hoping that like in some sort of kdrama, mike would stop the doors from shutting and hug me, or kiss me, or even tell me that i had forgotten something in the classroom! i imagined that happening and then the elevator closing, leaving us two alone in a small space together. we would just stare at each other and not say a word, and since neither of us had pressed any button to go to a certain floor, the elevator would sit on the same one, static and still.

but none of that ever happened.

as i waited a few seconds, the doors closed, and i found myself on the lobby of the building.

i walked to my next destination, disenchanted and stirring up new imaginations.