start and final.

I watched you as I sat under a tree just behind the bench you were sitting on. You had a black bucket hat hiding your now black hair. You had on your white earphones plugged onto your phone as you bobbed your head while listening to what it seemed like the song you were working hard on. It also seemed like you still took the interest of composing music under the dimmed-lit sky at the Han River -- where you used to take me to listen to your newly produced song. 

My heart skipped a beat whenever you show a small smirk of yours when you think of a new beat or melody and write it down on your old and crumpled lyric book. It was your priced possession -- not only because you write music with it but also because I was the one who gave it to you on our 4th anniversary. 

But you had to forget about me. 

It still pains me, Yoongi... I unknowingly thought to myself as I felt a huge pang in my chest. 

I scrunched up my eyebrows as I saw you look up from your lyric book to your surroundings. I immediately bowed my head and hugged my knees together, afraid that you'd see me adoring you. After what it seemed like a minute, I lifted my head, only to see you staring right at me even through the darkness of the night. 

My eyes widened, shocked that you could see me through the night. However, after knowing you for such a long time, I knew how perfect your eyesight was. I shouldn't be surprised. 

My eyes stayed glued to yours as you didn't make any effort to look away. 

Do you finally remember me, Yoongi? I asked inaudibly. 

He stared at me with such curiosity, but also with a blank face as he looked away and closed his lyric book. My heart crushed, does he think I'm a creeper? I asked myself as I tried to look away but I couldn't help myself but watch him as he got up from the bench. 

Without taking his earphones off his ears, he walked away from the bench and turned around my way. I felt my throat clog up as he walked and kept his eyes staring at me. Was he going to me? Or is he just going to pass by me? Does he remember me? 

All these questions formed in my head as I watched him walk slowly to me. My heart thumping out of my chest as I clenched my fists. 

Yoongi was almost ten steps away from me and I couldn't help but be expectant. 

It seemed like the longest five seconds of my life as he finally stood right in front of me. He stopped, just a few inches away from where my journal was. He looked down at me, not saying anything. I looked up to him, my eyes silently begging for him to remember me. 

For what felt like forever, Yoongi finally broke the ice -- but I didn't expect him to say these words. 

"Thank you," Yoongi whispered, almost inaudible. 

---

I nestled my head on the crook of Yoongi's neck as he sighed in sleep while we were lounging on the sofa of our shared apartment. I looked up from the chick flick he forcedly agreed to watch with me to my sleeping boyfriend. I rolled my eyes, but could not help my mouth lift its corners up to a smile. I giggled to myself as I stared at his long eyelashes. 

I lifted my hands, slowly inching closer to his face as I curiously wanted to touch his beautiful long lashes. 

"Stop creeping your boyfriend," Yoongi mumbled in his sleep. 

My hands froze for a moment before I let out another giggle. Hearing my giggle, he opened one of his eyes and slightly frowned. He nuzzled closer to me as he turned his head and gave my forehead a small peck. 

"It's called adoring my boyfriend," I retorted with a chuckle. 

Yoongi lazily opened both of his eyes before slipping out of my hug and stretched his whole body. Why does he have to look cute whenever he wakes up? I thought to myself as I watched him. I smiled unknowingly as I felt his arms snake around my waist again after stretching. He looked at me for a moment before raising a brow. 

"See. You're creeping again," Yoongi flatly stated. 

I rolled my eyes and said, "There's a difference between creeping someone and adoring someone, okay? I thought you were a self-renowned genius?" I got up from my seat, his other hand fall through my fingertips as he holds my hand tightly in his. I tugged on his arm before he could answer, "Let's go for a jog. We need to get your diet going!"

He groaned loudly before pretending to sleep again, his head falling against the back of the couch and let out a loud snore.

I snorted and tugged on his arm again, "Stop pretending to sleep! You were the one who told me to encourage you with exercising!" 

He opened his eyes and frowned, "Diets are always for tomorrow! Isn't that what girls usually say? Why aren't you saying it?" He retorted back. I scoffed, "Well, your girlfriend isn't like any girls." And when I thought he was going to say another snarky comment, he smiled softly and immediately pulled me down on his lap. 

My arms instantly wrapped around his neck. 

He leaned his forehead against mine before kissing the corner of my lips softly.

"That's why I love you," he whispered before kissing me on the lips tenderly. 

He pulled away, and I couldn't help but blush with his unusual sweetness. These are the moments that I currently live for: the sweet Suga, and the lazy Suga. 

I immediately got up from his lap and tugged both his hands up from the couch. 

"I love you too, but that's not going to stop me from getting you to jog with me! Let's go Mr. Genius!"

And all I heard were continuous groans and I couldn't help but laugh at his laziness. 

---

I looked at my phone for the thousandth time, discreetly taking it out of my white robe's pocket. I inwardly frowned as I didn't see a message from Yoongi. For the past week, Yoongi has only messaged me twice and that was at the beginning of the week, and now it was already Thursday. I sighed heavily when I placed my phone back inside my pockets, only to be stared at by my colleagues who were munching on their food trays. 

"What's wrong with you these days? You've been looking at your phone for so many times," one of the senior doctors stated. 

Your other co-resident snorted and jokingly said, "She's probably busy looking at her lover boy's messages." I shook my head and slightly smiled, taking the metal chopsticks laid on the table quietly and just fiddled with my food. 

"Ya," my bestfriend nudged me. 

I looked at her with my eyebrows creased. 

"Is something wrong?" She leaned in to whisper. 

I shook my head and gave her a smile, "I'm just not really hungry." 

She raised an eyebrow, "That's very unlike you. Especially since today's special is bulgogi." 

I smiled at her genuinely before gathering my plate and stood up, "Sorry sunbaenims, I'll see you all later at the ER." They all nodded their heads in concern while I just smiled at my bestfriend who seemed very worried about me. I turned my heels and immediately put away my food tray. Once I exited the canteen, I took my phone out of my pocket and checked if Yoongi had already messaged. 

I sighed heavily as I saw no new messages. 

I bit my lip as I unlocked my phone and decided to text my brother. 

To: Kookie

Ya. Do you know how Yoongi is doing these days?

I waited for my screen to flash as I sat on the ledge of a flower bed just outside the entrance of the emergency room entrance. I looked up and watched as another ambulance came rushing towards the entrance. The paramedics immediately rushed down the driver's seat and the doors of the back opened and it made me freeze as I heard my phone ring simultaenously. 

I didn't have to answer my phone.

---

"W-What do you mean?" I stuttered as I saw Yoongi take out a black duffle bag under his walk in closet. He didn't answer me as he continued to shove his clothes inside the black bag. My eyes started to water as I approached him and shakingly reached for his arms, "Y-Yoongi, what are you doing?" My breath starting to get caught. 

I'm leaving...

His voice repeated in my head.

He ignored me for the second time as he continued to shove things hurriedly. 

I bit my lip and couldn't help but bite it hard as I tasted the blood come out from the insides of my lip. 

Is he leaving me? I thought. 

And this made me realize the worst. 

"D-Do you not love me anymore?" I asked him, obviously afraid of his answer. 

He froze for a second, but never turning himself to look at me. 

I walked closer as I manage to ask another question. 

"Are you leaving me?" 

He didn't answer and remained on his spot. I gulped and walked even closer to him, my arms slowly snaking around his waist as I leaned my face against his broad and warm back -- my home. 

"I'm asking you Yoongi...are you leaving me because you don't love me anymore?" I asked, barely audible. 

I felt his warm hands press against my cold hands as he squeezed them before tugging it away from his waist. He turned around and immediately zipped his bag close before standing up to look at me, my eyes already filled with tears. His eyes were fighting back tears as he blinked them away. He clenched his jaws as he lifted his hands and was about to touch my face but he hesitated against it. 

He made a fist before taking his hand away. 

Silence came over us for a few seconds before I decided to speak again. 

"Yoongi...I'll only let you leave if you tell me you don't love me anymore," I whispered as I looked into his avoidant eyes. 

He looked at me with his deep eyes, begging me to understand him. 

Finally, he answered me. 

"I love you, but...I have to go," he told me. 

I never understood him. I never understood what that meant. 

Not until I saw my brother, their manager and Hoseok get down on the ambulance with Yoongi's pale fingers in Hoseok's hands. Jungkook had tears in his eyes while he had his phone pressed against his ears -- probably calling me. I couldn't move from my spot as I dropped my phone on the ground and immediately rushed to their aid, not caring that I was not the doctor in charge. 

Tears started to form in my eyes, but I had to be composed. 

"Jungkook!" I yelled as I ran to them, my brother looked up before ending the call and immediately ran to me.

"Noona!" He yelled back as he continued to cry. 

"What happened?" I nodded at him as I went straight to the paramedics and helped them push Yoongi's stretcher inside the emergency room while nurses started running out to help us. I looked down at Yoongi and saw his wet clothes and had a feeling of what happened, but I didn't want to admit it. 

"A drowned patient. He was more or less under the water for ten minutes before his friends pulled him out. We continued performing CPR..." he continued to explain but I stopped listening to him when I confirmed my thoughts -- thoughts that I was afraid of. 

He didn't want to leave me...he wanted to leave the world.

---

I entered the cafe just right in front of Big Hit and decided to get coffee for the rest of the BTS members. I ordered seven americanos instead of ordering what they individually liked because I was already in a rush of visiting Yoongi's studio before I head for my twelve hour shift later at 8'oclock in the evening. 

Once I got my order, I shuffled the packed lunch on my left hand and balanced myself while carrying both the lunches and the drinks. It only took me less than ten minutes to walk to the Big Hit building and I immediately grinned at the security guard who recognized me instantly. He smiled and immediately opened the door me. 

"Thank you ahjusshi!" I exclaimed as he gave me a chuckle. 

"Those boys are truly lucky to have you, agassi!"

I grinned as I bowed at the receptionist and immediately went to the elevator and waited for it to arrive. After a minute, the lift finally opened its doors and I immediately go in, pressing the floor to the Genius Lab. I hummed to their song Fire playing in the backgrou