sometimes sicheng thought of it as a serendipity, as something only fate could decide.

 

it was like a coincidence, two paths that weren't supposed to cross. sometimes sicheng wondered if he hadn't left his milk tea on that park bench five years ago. sometimes he wondered if taeyong hadn't been so kind to tap on his slouched shoulder holding a cup of milk tea in his other hand and wearing a smile as bright as summer evenings. sicheng wondered one night full of stars if their story had been a different one, wondered if the hand that he held that night was not taeyong's, and wondered if he could even live in that alternate universe of his imagination. taeyong's hand was warm around his own that night, and his smile was the most luminous of all stars, so sicheng decided.

 

he decided if he held on tighter and just a second longer, maybe this could last forever.

 

 

 

sicheng sometimes thought of it as a miracle, as something that even his wildest imagination couldn't create.

 

on those nights when cold was the only thing embracing sicheng's being and a hot cup of coffee was the only company he had, taeyong would call. the red velvet's happiness ringing from his phone would be quick to be replaced by hushed voices laced with concern ever so sincere and tender sicheng would close his eyes just to feel it seep into his worn out being. taeyong was as busy and occupied as a trainee in a big entertainment agency could be, but on nights like those ones there would always be a hole big enough for him to sneak out of the practice room, down to the basement and to the cozy corners where he could drown in the delicacy of sicheng's voice.

 

sicheng wasn't greedy--at least he was trying not to be. but when taeyong told sicheng that he loved him, in the silence of the night through calls ever so brief, sicheng just couldn't refrain from asking for more. when he told sicheng that he loved him, the night seemed to grow a little brighter and suddenly distance was only a fragment of illusion. taeyong was there, holding his hands with smile so reassuring.

 

he thought if he told taeyong that he also loved him and held the phone a bit closer to his ears, maybe this could last forever.

 

 

 

sicheng sometimes thought of it as a remedy, as something he would always seek in his worst conditions.

 

sicheng sometimes wondered if taeyong hadn't been there, hadn't been holding his trembling figure in his embrace as tepid as equinoxes and wondered what would be of him. sicheng had learned the hard way that life was a lot bigger than you, it could screw you up in a lot of ways and left you hanging on the edge of hopelessness. sicheng understood, he tried to cope up with it, but sometimes it's just not enough. sometimes sicheng lost grasp on that tiny spot of hope and found himself on complete darkness. sometimes sicheng just wanted to disappear. 

 

but then again, everything was a little different with taeyong. everytime the despair struck, sicheng would break down. and everytime sicheng broke down, taeyong would hold him close to himself and wrap his figure in reassurance.

 

"it's okay," he would whisper. "our life is just like a program sometimes. it's got errors and it goes haywire at times, and sometimes an error is severer than another error an autofix isn't enough. sometimes you need a manual fix, another hand to repair that error. listen up, sicheng. what i'm trying to say is i'm gonna be that manual fix for you. my number in your phone is not for nothing. call me, you know i'll always come right? you cannot handle all your problems alone sicheng. sometimes you need your manual fix. you need me,"

 

and sicheng didn't understand what taeyong was rambling about with his limited understanding in korean and what a manual fix was, but the tender on his back and the sincerity in taeyong's eyes told him this was something he needed. so sicheng nodded, let taeyong kiss him and let those scars in his heart fade.

 

he thought if he closed his eyes and let himself kiss taeyong back, this could last forever. (plus he got a hand to fix himself manually. not that he understood what that meant)

 

sicheng sometimes thought of it as a ferris wheel ride, as that feeling when you're reaching the peak.

everything with taeyong was slow. it was deliberate and understanding, but at the same time reassuring and uplifting. everything progressed with a rather slow pace with taeyong, and it gave sicheng enough time to think thoroughly. it's like taeyong was giving him a chance to back off, to say no and to change his mind. it was rather perplexing at times, it gave sicheng mixed signals and it's vague in so many ways. it was so frustrating sometimes that when it finally progressed, the feeling was indecipherable for sicheng.

it's like sicheng knew it was inevitable, but he also wasn't a tad bit prepared for the little movement. it left sicheng curious, breathless, sometimes anxious in some kind of ways. taeyong would look into his eyes, speaking in a thousand ways of silence, asking sicheng for an approval he would gladly give. it was like reaching the peak of a ferris wheel and looking down. it scared sicheng, but amazed him in thousands of way possible. it's like riding the ferris wheel with acrophobia but suddenly you just found the view, the city lights, the world so beautiful beneath you that you want to keep staring despite your fear. that's how it was with taeyong. sicheng just couldn't stop.

and sicheng wasn't a challenger. he was a mere 19-year-old boy with acrophobia and stress and meager amount of money in his wallet and a beautiful lover. but if he could make this--his feelings for taeyong, his love-- last forever by sitting a bit closer to the window of the ride, feeling fear and excitement rushed through his blood as taeyong hold his hand, he would. hell he would.


 

loving taeyong was a lot of things. loving taeyong was like freefalling but never arriving on earth, loving taeyong was like walking through a rocky path with your eyes blind-folded.

loving taeyong was like setting yourself on fire, while another time it was like throwing a bucket of ice to your head.

loving taeyong felt like both solstices and equinoxes, too fast and too slow but somehow it seemed just right.

loving taeyong was a myriad of indecipherable feelings, loving taeyong was the best option sicheng had ever chosen,

and he never wanted to stop.