It’s a wonderful feeling, being able to start writing again, typing words as if they have no end. Although the mood would rarely visit again, when it suddenly strikes, you haven’t anything but to give on to it. Let the feeling consume you; the nostalgia and the different wonderful mixtures of unexplainable emotion, flowing strangely through every tap of each finger.

Stopping for a little, with a gentle bite on the lip; I listen intently to the music playing on the background, trying to think of how to portray the words in my head and translate them into letters, words, sentences that would inevitably make up rivers of sentences, paragraphs and phrases.

I let my mind softly linger to the thought of her.

“We’re on for next Thursday, yes?”

“I’m not sure.”

“What. Why? We’ve talked about this for weeks, Tae.”

“I know. But are you still up for it? You have a thing with Nick on Wednesday.”

“Well, yes. But that’s for the night before, and we’re not even drinking. I don’t see why we can’t go.”

“Oh. But still.”

“Sigh. Look, do you not want to come? Because even if I have something going on in the same day, I’d still make time to come to the movies with you Thursday, you know that, Tae.” She replied, her forehead creases, seeming exasperated from my response.

“I do. I just. Sigh, fine.” I gave in. Knowing I’ll never win at the end anyway. “I just didn’t want to tire you out as is. I know how hectic this week is.”

“Thank you. But it’s the movies we’re talking about. Days with you are my days to relax.” She started and ended with an eye smile, clinging on to my arm and putting her head on my shoulder. I smiled and continued watching bad TV for the rest of the night with her in my arm.

-

“We’re here! Ohmygod, it’s a frenzy in here!”

“Good for you.”

“….”

“-laughs- It’s your first time actually witnessing a live band, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Enjoy it then.”

“I know, it’s kinda fun I guess.” She replied, sending emojis and smiley faces.

“Like I said, enjoy it. Stop texting. How would you enjoy the music.”

“I AM listening, though.”

“Okay. Gtg now.”

“You’d hate it in here.”

“I know.”

“HAHA. Nick’s pissed now, I’ll stop texting. I’ll see you later. Love you, xo.”

I read the last message, let out the sigh that I was holding and took a shot.

“Geez, you drink like an old man Taengoo.”

“Shut up, Soonkyu.”

“She’s out with him again, huh.”

“What’s new.” I downed the rest of my beer and waved at the waiter. “Three more shots in here, please. Oh, and um. Add two more bottles of beer.” He nodded and went off.

“You’re hopeless. Just move on, get it over with.”

“Do I not look like I’m trying?” I stared at her, eyes half closed. The mixture of beer and tequila started kicking in. I felt warm.

“You don’t, actually.”

I sighed for the nth time that night. Just the thought of them together kills me. I felt a hand on the small of my back.

“Let it out, come on.”

And I did. For the very first time ever since I told her about this secret love, I did. I cried in front of my best friend. I didn’t care if looked messy, pathetic, a loser. I didn’t care.

I just wanted to let the feeling be there, let the hurt drown me for once. And let someone see the vulnerability I’ve actually hid for the longest I could remember in this ty phase of my life.

-

“You’re a mess, Tae. What the ?!” I heard her said. I drunkenly walked to my room, ignoring her as I stumbled to cross the living room.

-

Tiffany glared at Sunny, trying her best to keep her voice down. “What the hell happened?!”

“Um. She wanted a night out?”

“I understand that. But she’s never been this drunk! And her eyes are so puffy, Sunny! What the ?!”

“Let her be, it’s just the alcohol.” Sunny slurred. “You know, I’m pretty drunk myself, Tiff. Can we just talk about this tomorrow?” She ignored the quietly raging woman and headed for the couch.

Tiffany silently walked to Taeyeon’s room, knowing she’s probably passed out. She sighed. “You can’t even change. You know you can’t handle alcohol well, Taeyeon. Dammit.” She carefully replaced each fabric and quietly lied on the bed.

-

“Uhn. .” She groaned, holding her head. She tried sitting up, knowing she can’t.

“Here.” Tiffany stood in front of her, a glass of water in hand, medicine on the other. “That’s aspirin. Drink.”

“Uhn. Volume. Please.” She groaned again, creasing her forehead.

“It’s your fault so shut up. Sunny headed out already.”

“Mhm.”

“What happened, exactly?”

“I dunno. Blame it on the tequila, maybe?”

She rolled her eyes. “Then why are your eyes so puffy?”

Taeyeon blinked. She all of a sudden felt weird numbness in her eyes. She remembered the crying.

“Oh. Blame it on the tequila. Maybe?”

“……”

“No, I swear, I couldn’t think of anything.” She held on to her head and lied down again.

Tiffany decided to let it go, knowing that Taeyeon really couldn’t handle that much alcohol. “Sigh. Fine. We’re still on for tonight, though. No excuses.”

“I know.”

With that, she headed out. “I made breakfast, if you’re hungry. I’m heading out first. I’ll meet you in a few hours!”

“VOLUME. PLEASE.” The latter laughed; the door closing.

-

Tiffany arrived home exactly an hour before the movie. The theater was 15 minutes away by car, they were barely late.

“Hey.” Taeyeon greeted.

“Hey. You ready?”

“Yep. Are you going to change first? I’ll wait here. She said as she blinked at the TV with the show she’s still watching.”

“Real quick. Gimme five minutes.”

“Okay.”

-

We arrived at the theater. Our arms linked. I’m not sure if I enjoy this anymore. The bitter feeling still wins. I know I can’t have her completely, I know there’s always him.

But I can never confess. I never will.

We paid for the tickets, entered and took our seats.

She grabbed the popcorn box from me and started munching. “This’ll be empty by the time the movie started, the way you’re eating Tiffany.” I whispered quietly. She punched me in the arm and I laughed, grabbing some for me. By the time the movie started, it was actually half empty. We stared at each other for a while, smiling. It was always like this.

Sometimes I actually wonder if she ever felt the same warm feelings. And then after nights out like this, or even staying in at the apartment and having the same things, she’d go out with that guy again, and I then remember where I actually stand. I’m the good friend, I’ll always be that to her.

And that’s the reason why I never had the guts to tell her what I felt. I was afraid I’d lose her. I mean, what if she actually felt otherwise and start being disgusted, all the more awkward. I don’t know if I could survive. It’s better having her even for a while than none at all.

I don’t know if I can handle not having her in my life anymore.

The thought lasted for a while ‘til I felt a head on my shoulder. The movie was halfway over, and she clung to me as it neared its end. I glanced at her a little, she did too.

I bit my lip, my eyes almost watered as the characters said I love you.

How badly did I want to say those words to you.

With a difficult sigh, I headed back to the car as the movie ended. She was still clinging to my arm.

We arrived to the house and I sat down on the couch, letting out an exasperated sigh.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. That movie was sad.”

“I know right.” She sat down beside me. We were quiet for a while.

I turned my head to her side, she was rarely this silent in the house.

Our eyes met for a while, I didn’t want it to end.

She closed her eyes and let her head rest on the back of the couch, a small smile was apparent.

She enjoyed the movie too much, I guess.

I bit my lip. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I moved closer. I guess she felt me moving as she opened her eyes, raising an eyebrow. “What’s up.”

“Nothing, um.” I stared back at her. Moments passed, us both sitting up by now. But I couldn’t take it. I held her face, gently her cheek with my thumb.

“Tae..” I leaned in a bit closer, I felt her tense, holding her breath. But she didn’t signal me to stop, and so I did. I leaned in and kissed her softly. I let my lips linger a little until I broke the kiss, I pulled away a little. Her eyes were still closed and so I kissed her again. Giving a few tugs until I felt her kissing me back.

I almost let out a whimper, it was too surreal. This time she was the one who broke the kiss, I felt panic in my chest until I hear her laugh a little.

“W-what?”

“So this is real, huh.” She was still laughing.

“What is? And what’s so funny.” I was puzzled.

“I thought it was just me and you were straight so I just ignored it. For a while, I guess.”

“So..”

“So?”

“So it’s not just me?”

“I guess?”

“Then.. then why are you dating him?”

“I don’t know. For security, I guess. I- I’m still not used to things like this, and I was afraid you were straight.”

“Did I not make it obvious enough? I mean. For so many years I did these things…”

“I know, and that was sweet of you. I appreciate everything, I still do. But you didn’t say you actually liked me, and..”

“And what? I know how obvious it is that I’m so ing jealous of that guy.”

“You know, for something that actually started a bit romantic.. this is getting a little off beat.” That made me laugh. “It is kinda obvious, I guess. But I didn’t want to risk assuming. I was too scared.” I had to smile at this.

“We’re two cowards I guess.”

She laughed. Let’s be cowards together.

A kiss.

“Movie tomorrow?” And another.

“Movie anyday.”