June 18 

It always seeemed hard for me to write in the moments I was happy. I was never able to write love letters and to put them in his pocket, nor sweet notes to put them on the fridge in the morning. Until today I never kept a diary. For me it seemed that once i wrote down all the "I love you" and the moments of happiness, they are losing their valueand are becoming just simply words. I'm starting to think that the man who said that you don't write about love with the pen on paper, but with your fingers on the of the man you love, was right. 

I always found boring the love books in which the protagonists are living happily ever after. But, strangely, I never thought that teh love between me and Jongin will have a dramatic ending. The first sentence I have ever written in a diary was when I suffered my fisrt heartbreaking. But it's only today, when i'm sure that I lost the man I loved so much, that I'm starting keeping a diary. You may ask about what. I'm struggling and I'm starting thinking about the next question. How it will help me? Well, I hope that I will read it when I will be so happy and sure that it won't affect me and that I will not understand all the feelings I wrote down back then. 

Is it stupid to say that I already wanna to contradict what I wrote above? This is not a fight like the others about whom I chose not to write. I already see ahead of me countless days in which I will mix my words and my tears. I'm starting writing this with the hope that I will stop the day I will finally forget everything. 

When I will be able to do it, Jongin?

I'm not finding my place. I'm trying to remember the last chat we had, but it hurts so bad that I'm starting to find something in my room that will be able to distract myself from those thoughts. Slowly, it starting to pop in my head the idea that I'm stupid and that I will find at least two friends that will tell me I'm not the guilty one. But this is not something I need right now. 

Sometimes I'm wondering how I would have felt today if we did broke-up when it was time. Maybe we should have transformed this big love in a strong friendship and when we were in need, to confess one another our lifes, like two people that once shared everything. Maybe we should have stopped and admit that even the people that love one another with all their souls are breaking-up. But you know what we did? We took the dead body of our love, moved it from a room to another and waited for God to do a miracle. 

It was thursday. I have waited for him all day long to come. I wasn't finding my place and I kept repeating in my head all the things I wanted to tell him. 

At my place it was fuss. It was my mom's birthday and we had guests. There were friends of family that were happy, but their happiness made me nervous. I was walking in the yard like a dog ready to bite and I was looking with hate at all the people. 

Chanyeol, one of my dad's cousins was trying to joke with me, but I was only hearing what he was talking like a buzz in the background. At one moment he asked me something about my boyfriend and I told him that things are working fine. I wasn't even believing myself. My dad asked him what he would like to drink and I was happy when he left, letting my alone again. 

A couple of months earlier I would have been a better host. I really like to talk and to socialize, in special about the people and the things that I love. This is why that day I had the impression that everyone that was aking me about my relationship with Jongin knew that things aren't so good. 

I plugged the headset and started the music. I played  it (I don't want you back) five times. I was singing along, but not actually paying attention to the meaning of the lyrics. I was imagining myself in front of him, telling all the things I keep for myself for a couple of weeks.

Jongin, what did I do to our love? What did I transformed myself into? 

He called me after two hours. I was standing in front of the window and I was looking at the grey sky and at the smiles of the people present in my yard. When it was the last time that I smile sincere? 

Jongin wanted to see me. I already tried to make him change his mind, telling him that it will start to rain soon. You may ask why. Well, I don't know. Not even now. I was like a ticking time bomb and I didn't wanted to be near him when I exploded. I loved him enough that I didn't like the idea that I will hurt him somehow. 

In that night I wasn't able to make him change his mind. He wanted so much to see me. There were things I wanted so much to tell him, but in the same time I wanted to shut up. 

The wind started to blow harder. I put a jacket on and I exited the house. My mom tried to stop me from going outside, telling me that it will start to rain and she didn't wanted me to catch a cold. 

If you would knew what was in my soul, mom!

When I walked outside, Jongin called and told me that he is waiting for