"You don't love me anymore."

It wasn't a question.

"Wh-what?" It caught Seunghyun off guard.

It was stated so casually by the man staring intently at the veal he was cutting into.

"You don't love me anymore." Daesung repeated, his cutlery clanked against the china plate. He leaned back on the luxurious armchair, giving up on his food. The taste in his mouth had turned sour, so had everything he puts in.

It had been his idea to dine in the fancy french restaurant for their anniversary, which he doubted Seunghyun remembered, since it was the older man's favorite.

"That's not…" Seunghyun started but was interrupted.

"Last night, you told me you were too tired to be with me." Daesung said, a mirage of hurt apparent in his eyes. "After a whole week of me being in Japan."

"Look…"

"Not one call from you. One or two worded replies when I texted you. And I heard what was unmistakably Jiyong hyung's voice last night through the phone."

"Dae…"

"Last week, I didn't get to see you until the day I was slated to leave." Daesung blurted out, he hadn't want to sound like a whiny but he just couldn't stop rambling. "Before that, it was always the same excuse, Jiyong hyung was at your place."

"Dae baby…"

"The month before, the many photos that Jiyong hyung had sent to Ri. Furniture hunting? With Jiyong hyung?" He nodded, to acknowledge the fact to himself rather than the elder. "Yeah, Ri forwarded them to me."

Seunghyun made a mental note to strangle those two when he met them.

"I'm through with you. Now you can fly to Jiyong hyung."

"Listen to me, why don't you?" The older man was frantic, left without a chance to defend himself.

"Because actions speak louder than words." Daesung pushed himself away from the table and stood up. "And I was stupid to ignore them for so long."

And he walked away.

Quickly doing the same, Seunghyun failed to reach the younger man.

"Happy anniversary." Daesung muttered, turning around for just a moment to toss an envelope onto the table.

Seunghyun plopped back into the chair, utterly deflated, his mind barely wrapping around what had just happened. The whole thing felt surreal after a while, he couldn't help but wonder if he was caught in a vivid dream. Which was why he was reluctant to reach for the envelope.

The white paper sat innocently on the table, yet silently taunting him. He reached for it, fingers sliding across the smooth surface much like he would Daesung's skin. Hesitantly lifting the envelope gingerly onto his hand, the item inside rustled and he realised the little piece of himself that he had given away now sat within.

A gift for their first anniversary.

The necklace which had never left its owner neck since that day.

A remnant of his love.

He folded the envelope without opening it and kept it in his pocket.

Right next to a little box.

 

_____

 

He had walked long and far.

His destination?

Unknown.

The night was cold and the wind unrelenting. Streetlights lighted up the darkness, his shadow flitted in and out of the light. Watching his lone shadow following faithfully by his feet, always loyal, always staunch with its presence.

Loneliness overwhelmed him.

Betrayal killed his soul.

Hurt numbed his heart.

Stupidity conquered his mind.

There was no space left in him for sadness nor anger.

He drifted back to the past.

 

He had never imagined drowning in the emotions when they had won their first daesang.

He couldn't breathe from sobbing so hard.

He couldn't see, not because of his small eyes but because of the onslaught of tears.

Their efforts, his effort, had finally paid off.

Strong arms gathered him into a warm embrace, someone to cry with him, someone to support him.

It wasn't the first time they'd hugged but it was the first time Daesung felt that he liked that warmth.

Really, really liked Seunghyun's warmth.

 

He stopped by a playground and sat on a swing, pondering what he should do next. It was suffocating, the inability to cry or to yell out his frustration.

He doesn't want to talk to anyone, yet he needed to tell someone.

Reaching into his pocket, he took out his phone. 54 missed calls, 23 messages, all from Seunghyun. Looks like the news hasn't spread. The phone vibrated in his hand, Seunghyun's name flashing across the screen.

Daesung smiled wistfully at the lit screen, half wish that Seunghyun had done this before he had made his decision, he might have changed his mind. His thumb lingered just above the screen, debating if he should swipe left to reject or right to accept.

Daesung swiped left.

His fingers danced across the screen, texting the only other person he trusted with his whole heart.

'Youngbae hyung, I broke up with Seunghyun. I think he's tired of me and has someone on the side. I won't be home, so don't bother going to my house.'

He switched off his phone.

 

 

Cameras were being shoved in his face and he was upset but he doesn't know how to retaliate.

The others were good at keeping their distance. Not him, he was too nice.

He looked down and continued shuffling his feet, the crowd oblivious to his mood.

An arm slid around his shoulder, a familiar warmth against his side, shielded him from the hoard of cameras.

He looked up and saw Seunghyun smiling down at him reassuringly. The older had sensed his unease and deliberately wedged himself between the younger and the fans as he would the numerous times after that.

Daesung smiled back.

His heart had skipped several beats.

 

 

Maybe he should go to the beach. Or maybe the gym to work off the frustration.

But going to the gym meant that he had to go home to collect his equipments and he really doesn't want to go back, the memories in his own house too much for his fresh wound. Besides, Youngbae or Seunghyun might be waiting to ambush him.

So he flagged down a cab and went to the beach.

The driver was tipped handsomely for the long distanced drive at the ungodly hour.

The beach was empty, save for couples stealing romantic moments from their busy lives. His chest clenched painfully, a lone figure unintentionally intruding on private time.

He found himself a spot.

A spot right next to the one they had shared a long time back. He doesn't sit there, fearing that he will taint the perfect memory.

A memory back from when they were no longer boys but still barely men...

 

"I hate dancing." The older boy spat.

"Why? It's a way to let loose. You shouldn't think so negatively." The younger boy replied. "And why are we all the way out here?"

"The next two days are rest days, I wanted to run away even if it's a little while. I don't want to be alone and there's no one I'd rather be here with than you."

Daesung studied the beautiful face looking out at the star littered night sky, shrugging nonchalantly as he spoke.

The oxygen in the air seemed to suddenly thinned, making it a little hard for him to breath.

"Look! A shooting star!" The older boy exclaimed. "Hurry, make a wish!" He said, closing his eyes.

But Daesung doesn't do the same.

He used that brief time to memorize the lovely visage. Sharp jawline, baby fats around his cheeks, a pointed chin, fascinating brows which everyone didn't believe was natural.

"What did you wish for?" Daesung asked.

Seunghyun opened his eyes and gazed into his. "I wished for a 'yes'."

Daesung's breath caught. "A 'yes' from who and for what?" He ventured.

It might be his own imagination that the older man was closing in, but the breath he felt against his lips says differently.

"A 'yes' from you for a kiss." Seunghyun said softly, crowding into Daesung's personal space. The older boy brushed away long bangs from a flushed face, waiting patiently for an answer.

"Yes." Daesung whispered as he leaned in, brushing his lips against Seunghyun's. 

 

To avoid misunderstandings from people related to him from thinking he had ceased to exist, Daesung switched on his phone. 74 messages received, 60 of which were from Seunghyun. He scrolled through those which were not from the older man or the leader.

Or anyone related to BigBang.

He replied to one from his sister and the other from Hyori noona, both asking for a dinner date.

One message jumped at him, from the upscale Lotte Hotel.

That, he's interested in because he hadn't booked any hotel room. He taps to open the message and got very confused.

'Please be reminded that your check out time is at tomorrow 12 noon. We hope you enjoyed your stay with us. Thank you.'

He decided to ignore that for now.

The waves crashed upon the shore, seawater turning into white bubbles as they collided against the sandy ground. Daesung lets the calming sounds and hypnotic sight lull him into another faded memory.

 

Seunghyun had dragged Daesung away right after their pratice to avoid disturbance from the other members.

Theirs was a hush-hush affair, a relationship only know between the two of them. Of knowing glances and secret touches, of stolen moments and coverted kisses.

Seunghyun took him to a nearby park, dark and deserted at night. From his backpack Seunghyun pulled out a bedsheet, three lunch boxes, two bottles of water and a small battery operated lamp.

"I'm sorry that this is the best I can do for now. We can't risk being exposed for now." The man looked absolutely gutted for the miserable picnic but Daesung only smiled brighter.

"It's more than I expected, hyung." He said, pressing a kiss onto the down-turned lips.

They opened the boxes to reveal neatly packed kimchi, stir-fried meat and horribly wrapped kimbap. The rice fell all over their laps as they attempted to feed each other.

"I have a gift for you." The older man said. "Can you close your eyes?"

Forever the obedient boy, Daesung shuts his eyes. Cool metal came into contact with his warm skin and went round his neck.

"I'm giving my wings to you so I won't be able to fly away from you." Seunghyun said, almost regretting his sappy words immediately after they left his mouth.

Daesung picked the pendant off his chest to see a handmade silver pendant of a single feather.

"It's only one feather, not the wings." He chuckled.

"It's a metaphor, silly." Seunghyun countered.

"Thank you, hyung. I'll keep it with me, always."

 

Daesung decided to call the hotel.

"Lotte Hotel, good evening how may I help you?" A female voice answered.

"Do I have a room reserved under the name Kang Daesung?" He asked warily.

"Please hold while I check."

Pleasant music played while he waited.

"Mr Kang?" The female voice came back.

"Yes?"

"You have a booking for a VIP suite with Mr Choi Seunghyun."

"Sorry, could you repeat that?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing even as the lady repeated. It never occurred to him that Seunghyun would have secretly booked a hotel room for tonight.

"Is Mr Choi checked in yet?"

"Yes. Would you like me to transfer your line?"

"No, it's fine. Thank you." He ended the call and debated whether he should go to the hotel or go elsewhere.

There were a hundred reasons why he shouldn't go, a single reason why he should stood out which was impossible to brush off.

That he never listened to what Seunghyun had to say.

He still decided against it.

 

_____

 

"Youngbae! Could you please check if Daesung is at home?" His voice panicky, his words hurried.

"No, hyung, he's not. He texted me that he won't be home tonight and that you guys had broken up. What is going on?"

"I can fix this. I gotta go." But in truth, he has no inkling how to.

Despair and desperation clutched at him, the worst being not knowing where to find the younger man. Numerous calls and texts he had made to Daesung's number, not one was answered.

The two items weighed seemingly a ton in his pocket, causing him to drag his feet. He paid no attention to his surroundings because no one was Daesung and nowhere was Daesung.

Daesung was just... Gone.

Without a clue where to go, he went to the hotel room he had prepared for them. Glass after glass of wine he drank and when that ran out, he drank whatever alcohol he could lay his hands on, bent on drinking himself into oblivion. Then, he began to write, his eyesight blurred out by the constant flood of tears.

 

10 reasons why I love Kang Daesung (and the hundred more I didn't write):

1) The most beautiful person I've ever met

2) The iest person and he's not even trying

3) The cutest person right next to Yeon Jun (Daesung ah, forgive me for putting you second.)

4) I don't know what else to write. You're not here.

5) I love you

6) I love you so very much

7) I miss you

8) I miss you so very much

9) You made me the happiest man on earth

10) You are Kang Daesung, that is more than enough reason

Bonus) You are my angel. You are flawless. You are too good for me but I love you nevertheless.

Please, Daesung. I don't know what I'm begging for but please. Please. Please. Please...

I miss you...

 

His gut hurt, his heart hurt.

The bed was big, yet uninviting for it was far too big for him. The big bouquet of ninety-nine roses sat in the middle of the white comforter, silently mocking him.

Of his stupidity.

His carelessness.

Mocking his nugatory efforts.

Right now, sad as it may be, the toilet bowl was his only friend. Giving him support as he hurled his gut out, quietly allowing him to openly wail.

The mirror was his enemy, reflecting everything that was ugly about him, drool, snot and tears. He washed his face, 'still ugly' he thinks.

He ditched the oversized bed in preference for the tiny carpet on the floor and curled into fetal position.

In his arm, he nursed a bottle of Brandy.

In his chest, he nursed a broken heart.

Staring at the elaborate cake on the serving cart, he felt so utterly alone.

A lone memory jumped into his mind.

 

"I love you..."

It was barely a whisper, Seunghyun wasn't sure if he had imagined it. "Can you say it again?"

A very red Daesung nodded shyly, a most adorable sight.

"I love you."

He pulled the younger man to him, never wanting to let him go. Not once in his wildest dream had he imagined Daesung would be the first to say it.

"I love you, Daesung. I love you." He repeated till the words ingrained themselves into their souls.

 

He lets himself be pulled into the darkness.

Yet, even there, his yearning wouldn't stop.

 

_____

 

Instead of home, or basically anywhere else, he found himself in the lobby of the hotel.

The knowledge that he checked into the hotel alone without Jiyong made him felt uneasy and unsettled. The older man was impulsive and often led by emotions rather than logic, worry gawned at him.

Worry that Seunghyun would do something stupid.

He stood in front of the room door, after checking himself in, unsure if he should press the bell or let himself in.

He went for the bell, opting for politeness since he, well...

When no one answered the door, Daesung lets himself in, honestly concerned about the older man. He stepped into the brightly lit room and surveyed the surroundings.

A massive bouquet of roses sat atop a huge bed, an elaborately designed cake place on a push cart beside a small table with two glassed and an empty bottle of wine.

'Marry me?' Was beautifully written in cursive around the top tier of the two tiered cake, on the top, a simple 'happy anniversary.'

Daesung felt horrible.

He should have at least given the chance for Seunghyun to explain himself, yet the older man was nowhere to be seen. A bout of panic caused his heart to jump to his throat, that the older man might have sone something stupid.

It wouldn't be the first.

Finally, he spots the man lying on the floor in fetal position.

His chest clenched painfully at the sight.

He was the cause of this sorry sight.

A piece of paper on the table caught his attention, the scribbling obviously Seunghyun's handwriting. Daesung reached for it and held it gingerly, as if the thin material would fall apart like them.

The water stains undoubtedly Seunghyun's tears.

He regretted as he read.

His chest clenched so hard he couldn't breathe.

His tears finally caught on and wouldn't stop.

_____

 

Seunghyun woke up in the bed, the pounding in his head so strong, he thought his head would explode. He tried opening his eyes but the sunlight was too bright causing the pounding in his head to increase its intensity.

He heard a rustle beside him on the pillow and he reached for the cause of the sound.

It was a paper. It wasn't the one he wrote in his drunken stupor.

He squinted his eye to focus on the writing.

It was Daesung's handwriting.

10 reasons why I love Choi Seunghyun (and uncountable more I didn't write):

1) You're so handsome, so handsome

2) You are so pure

3) My bingu

4) Your kisses taste like chocolate

5) I'm ugly and you still love me

6) I'm sorry

7) I'm so sorry

8) I've never stopped loving you

9) Take me back?

10) YES.

 

The room spun around him as he sat up abruptly, trying his hardest not to retch.

First thing he noticed was that he was wearing a bathing robe and nothing else. He reached a hand down to scratch that little itch, as all men are prone to do.

Yep, nothing else.

Secondly, with the exception of his breath, he doesn't exactly smell like vomit and sweat. Though his current morning breath could probably put any man under.

Thirdly, why was he in the bed?

And why was he not alone in the bed?

A figure laid next to him, with the exception of the head, the rest of the body buried within the white fluffy comforter.

Seunghyun slapped himself hard, to make sure that he wasn't dreaming, as if the pounding in his head wasn't enough evidence.

He obviously hadn't gone easy on himself because it hurt, for the lack of a better word, like a motherer.

Daesung stirred, yet all Seunghyun could do was to not throw up on him. The older man made a dash to the washroom, retching loudly, bringing up nothing but bile and alcohol.

"What a horrible greeting." The husky voice drawled from the doorway.

That being said, however, Daesung was dressed in a robe as well and held two aspirin and a glass of water in his hands.

But those went unnoticed by Seughyun.

Instead, his attention was on the ring glinting around Daesung's left ring finger.

That, and the younger man's eyes were swollen and red.

 

Daesung gently removed the unconscious man's clothings and began wiping the warm skin down with a hand towel.

Seunghyun moaned a little here and there as Daesung maneuvered him, but all the while murmuring a single name.

It wasn't Jiyong's name.

And Daesung wouldn't, no, couldn't stop sobbing. 

 

Daesung wasn't about to tell Seunghyun what had happened last night because he didn't want to relive it again.

"Why are you here?" The older man asked, albeit ruefully.

"To baby a certain drunk man?" Always the jester, Daesung raised a brow, the words laced heavily with amusement.

"How did you find that ring?" Seunghyun asked, unamused.

"Should I return it?" Daesung asked, looking extremely contrite.

"Yes, for a good reason."

The younger man did not ask for details but obediently gave the ring back, his emotions in turmoil. Quietly, he helped the older man back onto his feet.

To Daesung's surprise, Seunghyun wrapped his arms around him, holding the younger man tightly as if to merge them into a single being.

"I was never with Jiyong, you know. He insisted that I should stay away from you to increase the element of surprise. He said he was there to keep me away from you. And then he was just there all the time." Seunghyun explained softly into his ear. "I'm an idiot."

Daesung merely nodded.

"I was looking for furniture for us." He muttered, placing a chaste kiss on Daesung's neck. "My bed's too small, my closet's too small, my sofa's too small. I just hope there's enough space in your life to accomodate me. When you left, I was sure I had died. It would've been better if I had died."

Again, Daesung nodded then shook his head, his lips refusing to form the words he wanted to say.

"Did you like the room?" Seunghyun asked. "I spent last night planning, even though nothing went as planned."

A nod from the fluffy head, face buried against his shoulder.

"Answer to number 9. I will always take you back. Always." Seunghyun declared resolutely.

There was a wet patch on the robe where Daesung hid his face, Seunghyun noticed as backed away from the younger.

"The reason I took the ring back was because," He reached for Daesung's left hand. "I wanted to put this onto your finger myself." He slid the ring onto the ring finger, the circular metal fitting perfectly on the digit.

"You said, 'actions speak louder than words'. Do my actions speak to you loud enough?" The older man asked, still holding onto to Daesung's hand in his grasp.

"They scream, hyung. They scream out your love louder than any words."