MAP OF DESPAIR

I’m stronger as each days passing by. Nothing much hurts. My body, my mind, except for my heart, but I’m trying not to use it. I keep the blinds closed. I read my books. Existential or nihilist ones. I have no patience for books that pretend life has meaning. I have no patience for happy endings.

I don’t think about Chaeyoung. NO, I'm trying not to. Who wouldn't forget my first love, my first kiss and my first of everything. But the world is cruel, so does me. I'm letting Chaeyoung go not because I hate her. But I have to.

At least I can't be that selfish. I know she's hurting, and I'm not going to forgive myself for that. But I'm also hurting the fact that I can go to outside, I can't be anywhere I wish I could and I can't be with the person I love.

Because I am sick.

She sends me e-mails that I trash even without reading it.

After two weeks I’m strong enough to resume some classes. Yes as usual, architecture internet classes. I'm still contacting my online friends, joining support group online. I told them the experience of me and Chaeyoung, some of them complimented me for being brave, some of them adoring Chaeyoung's gentleness, not forgetting some of them got mad, because it could kill me. But hell yeah, I'm already dead inside anyway.

Another two weeks and I’m able to resume all of them.

I don’t think about Chaeyoung. I trash still more of her e-mails.

My mom is still trying to fix me. She hovers. And worries and fusses and administers. Now that I’m stronger she coaxes me back into our mother-daughter nights. Like Chaeyoung, she wants our lives to go back to the way they were before.

I actually didn't enjoy our nights together—I don’t really enjoy anything—but I do it for my mom. No matter how I'm trying to be as the same as before, it will never be the same. With or without Chaeyoung. 

She’s losing even more weight. I’m alarmed and don’t know how to fix her, so I play Fonetik Skrabbl and Honor Pictionary and watch movies and pretend like nothing happened eventhough it's hurt and torturing.

And finally, Chaeyoung’s e-mails stop. 

Mom have been concerned as always. I know I only need Mom in my life. 

“You know what honey, I’ve asked Sana to come back,” she says one night after dinner with the motherly smiles.

“Huh? Really Mom? You ain't kidding right? I thought you didn’t trust her anymore.” I says with an exciting voice, shiny eyes because one of the part of my life is coming back. 

Yeah, at least I have Mom and Sana.

“But I trust you Mina sweetie. You've learned your lesson within the hard way. Some things you just have to experience for yourself.”

REUNION

The next day, Sana bustles in. Her bustle is even bustlier than normal, and she pretends like no time has passed at all. She's still the same Sana, my nurse, my bestfriend, my cutest clumsy squirrel and No Sana No Lie. 

"Mina-ya, I'm back."

As I see her close my book and searching for the familiar voice echoing, there she is, standing in front of me, all squirrel eye-smile, opening her arms for me to reach it. I can't wait no more that I hug her tightly, and she also wrapping her arms through my body, tears skipping in our eyes, touched by the small reunion that we're having.

We're wiping out tears, and she gathers me up immediately.

“I’m sorry Mina-ya,” she says.

“It-it’s all my fault.”

I hold myself stiff against her, not wanting to dissolve. If I cry again, everything will be real. I really will have to live this life. I really will never see Chaeyoung again. 

I try to hold out but I can’t. Sana's concerned face and the guilty looks makes me burst into tears even more. She’s the soft pillow you’re supposed to cry into. Once I start, I don’t stop for an hour. She’s soaked and I don’t have any tears left. Can you reach the end of tears? I wonder, because it's endless.

I answer my own question by crying some more. I can feel that my eyes are getting swollen. This is too hard.

Not going out from house for entire life is less hurt than leaving Chaeyoung behind. Dear God, help me.

“Mina-ya, how’s your mom?” she asks when I finally stop. She wipes my tears with her thumb, caressing my face with a bitterly smile.

“She doesn’t hate me of course.” I says while hiccupping, after effect from crying too much.

“Moms doesn’t know how to hate their babies afterall Mina-ya. They love them too much, eventhough they have to give up on their own life."

“But she should. I’m a terrible daughter. I did a terrible thing.”

More tears leak out, but Sana wipes them away with the side of her hand. Again.

“And your Chaeyoung? How about her Mina? You love her don't you?”

I shake my head at her. I would tell Sana anything, but not this. My heart is too bruised and I want to keep the pain as a reminder. I don’t want sunlight on it. I don’t want it to heal. Because if it does, I might be tempted to use it again. And people around me will hurt again.

We settle back into our normal rou