I reread this again, all while listening to Ailee's Goodbye My Love.

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In spite of having said that he’s not hurt, he can’t still deny that the pain inside his chest that he feels every time he sees something about... them.

He thought the he is already okay, that he already accepted the fact that he won’t have any chance anymore. That he accepted that he’s always just be a friend. And he’s supposed to be happy for them. He’s supposed to be happy that they are happy together.

He never saw it coming, yes, because he’s the one who always talks to her. He thought that he was closer to her than him.

The first time he heard about the news, he doesn’t want to believe it like some of the fans. He says to himself that it’s just a rumor. That it’s just a ruthless joke on part of the saesangs. But… the company confirmed it, and he felt something crumbled inside him. And he doesn’t know if he will be able to put it back together.

He doesn’t say anything when all of the members gathered in the living room at night. He stood at the side looking at them blankly, seemingly listening to them but in fact he’s just staring into space with his mind looking for something in his memory without the images of him or her.

When his mind came back to his hyungdeul, he heard the members shout words of encouragement to him. And he yelled as well, just to show that he is with them. And he immediately walked back to his shared room with the leader just as everyone shuffled to go back to theirs.

He still doesn’t talk to him. He doesn’t know how to talk to him. He doesn’t know what to talk to him about. He doesn’t know if he will never feel the pain even if he’s just in the same room.

Even in the company’s concert tour, knowing that both of them will surely see each other, he steeled himself like it’s just a normal concert tour. But he knows it will never be a normal event for him anymore. Walking on the stage together with the other artists, he smiled towards the fans, waving his hand like he doesn’t feel his heart squeezing painfully, afraid of the moment that they will meet, if ever. He stayed with his other hyungdeul. Walking just not so far from him.

He wants to walk back to the backstage. He wants to go back to his hotel room. He wants to go back in their country just to drive to some place away from him, from her, away from the place where news will be everywhere.

Every time that he is alone, he thought that he is already okay, that he’s fine and that he’s happy for them. But even if one of them is near, his chest throbs painfully. He just breathes slowly to lessen the throbbing of his chest, even though the hurt in his mind won’t fade away.

He knows that he‘s looking at him, staring at him even. He sees him at the corner of his eyes, but he always pretended to be busy.

He doesn’t know how to go back to the ‘them’ of before. The unknown feelings drowning him at the moment, the pain clenching his heart, he can’t breathe properly even.

He’s afraid to know what that feeling is. Why he’s suffering to breathe just at the thought of those him & her.

He doesn’t want to think of the future, because he only lives for today. And today, he’s heart is still in pain.

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I told you, this is a super late point of view.  But i want to share, coz this is what i felt from that time.