Everything feels so dull.
I don't know, there is this heavy feeling inside my chest and it feels like it's suffocating me.
It's taking all the energy I have.
And even more.
We use 80 kilograms of ATP, our energy supplier for the body, daily,  so my bad feeling seems to be really active.
Like a tumor that is eating me up from inside.
Starting with my heart it will take away all my emotions, and quickly it will infiltrate my brain eating up my personality and later it will infect my breathing system and I stop being here.
I won't know how to breath anymore.
The feeling is terrible. It is as if you are breathing while standing in a tornado.
I promise you, you won't be able to breath anymore.
Your head will turn blue, after 6 to 8 seconds your brain used all the oxygen you had left.
After twelve seconds you fall to the ground and lose your consciousness.
After thirty to fourty seconds an ECG will show you a flatline.
And after 9 minutes without oxygen, your brain is literally jelly and you are dead.
It's not a nice thought to be honest.
But enough from the brain physiology. It can be depressing how such an intelligent system can break down so quickly just because such a small little molecule is missing.

"Kyungsoo?"
I stopped staring at the white wall and turned around from where I heard the voice.
Jongin-ah.
I smiled a little. He is my best friend.
We've known each other for a lifetime. Our moms are best friends and so we met, when we were just a few months old.
Jongin was always good looking.
He looked the best on baby photos.
On primary school photos. Middle school photos. On high school photos, and also on college photos.
That is because of his pretty face.
I am sure it is the most symmetric face I've ever seen. People are seen the most attractive when they have a symmetric face.
Not my opinion. A study has shown that.
Anyway his face is symmetric, his skin flawless. It's bronze. y bronze if you ask me. His eyes hazelnut brown, his hair soft. Currently he had changed it to dark brown.
It suits him so well.
If you through it, it feels like velvet.
It's not that I do that often.
Just sometimes because he says it calms him. And that makes me happy, because I make my best friend feel better.
That is the job of a best friend after all.
Jongin is taller than I am, has broader shoulders. He looks more manly than I do.
I believe in comparison to Jongin, that I am chubby, too small, not well build enough. And I also believe that this is the reason, why I haven't had a boyfriend yet.
Oh and because of my terrible personality, that makes you wanna puke everytime I open my mouth.
And my terrible arrogant side, where I correct everyone who says something wrong.
Just a few of my flaws.
There are many more, but if I count them all, we would be sitting here for the next 12 hours or so.

"Soo?" Now his voice sounded worried. He was so cute. He was really caring. I always loved that about him.
It was just one of his characteristics that made me fall for him.
"Yes? Sorry I zoomed out."
"I noticed. Let me cheer you up a bit! I brought your favorite pizza and your favorite movie!"

I didn't know that he knew, that I wasn't feeling good. I am sure that I cover it up just perfectly.
I've always been a good actor. I call myself so at least, because my parents never noticed when I felt bad, or sad. I covered it up with a bright smile being their sunshine.
Only when I am alone I don't show my fake smile. Why should I?
No one is there anyway.
"You are the best, do you know that?"
"I do." He chuckled.
And that was also the cutest thing ever. Sometimes I wonder why he lives with me, why he still copes with my awful self, but on the other hand I am so grateful to have him, because otherwise I would be completely alone.
I don't have any friends apart from him.
I know people, because Jongin-ah knows them, but that doesn't count as friends.
Not even as contacts.
"So get your lazy up from the bed, put your study stuff aside and come. Or the pizza gets cold."

I smiled and stood up, put my stuff aside and followed him into our living room.
We both owned a small apartment.
Jongin's parents have a lot of money and they wanted him to live in a larger apartment, but Jongin didn't want that and I was grateful, because I wouldn't have known how to pay half of the rent.
Our apartment consisted of the living room, the bathroom, the kitchen and 2 rooms. One for me. One for Jongin.
We also had a balcony. I loved that the most, because I made a little garden out of it, with herbes for cooking, Jongin-ah loved that as well, and flowers because I loved flowers. They were perfect.
I loved things that were perfect. So paradox for someone who isn't anything near perfection.
If the weather was great we ate breakfast outside.
Our kitchen was a little smaller than the living room, but everything fitted in. Also a small table for the two of us.
We always ate together.
It was like a ritual, only when we had different schedules because of school we didn't eat together, but that barely happened.
If I think about like that, we are like an old couple.
Our living room was small with a sofa in the center and a large TV.
We made it comfortable for the two of us. We painted the walls together. I wanted a light brown and Jongin-ah granted that wish to me.

I shook my head quickly.
Why was I suddenly thinking of that? A situation like that didn't happen anymore.
But it has risen my hopes that maybe one day he would feel the same for me.
But that was just wish-thinking.
I liked the idea of being in a relationship with Jongin-ah, but I was sure that Jongin-ah didn't think so of me.
Otherwise other situations would've happened, right?
But that was okay, since I am too terrible for such a perfect human being.
I sat down on the sofa and Jongin-ah put a blanket around me.
I thanked him and smiled while he just shook his head and started the movie. He came back to me and crawled under the blanket as well, so that we shared the warmth. Like always I leaned on him and cuddled into his side.
Once, I asked Jongin-ah if that would be alright for him. He said yes and I forgot how to breath.
I could cover my feelings up so well normally, but lately it got worse and so hard.
My brain always told me to stop being so stupid, that Jongin-ah wouldn't be interested in me anyway, but I just couldn't help myself from daydreaming about him and about our future together.
I just couldn't stop.
I didn't really watch the movie.
I just stared at Jongin-ah and hoped he wouldn't notice.
It didn't look like he noticed, because he was watching intently.
I smiled peacefully, because he looked happy and all I wanted him to feel was happiness.

And so my heart broke, when he introduced his girlfriend to me for the first time.
I don't remember the details, he told me so much. That they were in a relationship for a few months already, that he didn't wanna tell me, because he wanted to be really sure and that crap.
All I properly remember was the pain.
It felt like my heart shattered into tiny little pieces, my head screamed that it warned me and that it was my fault for being so stupid to believe that maybe one day he could like me as well.
Tears formed in the corner of my eyes every night, when he wasn't there, because he was out with her.
What were they doing? Kissing? Making love? Saying sweet things to each other, when all of that should be done by Jongin and me?
I tried to stop that, tried to stop loving him.
I tried, but I couldn't. Jongin-ah was the only steady person in my life and I was so afraid of losing him.
I was trying to be happy for him.
Really.
Because I said I wanted him to be happy and he seemed so happy with his girlfriend. I just felt bad, that I couldn't bring him this happiness.
But on the other hand it was so obvious that I never had a chance, never started a move, never lost weight, no matter how much I tried to lose weight.
I always looked the ugly same.
I was disappointed in myself.
Why couldn't I change for the better?

 

I sat on the roof of our apartment the other night and looked into the sky.
Seouls lights were so much brighter than the stars that night. The air was cold. My whole body was trembling as I looked down.
I was trembling because of the weather, but also because I kept a thought within myself for a long time and it send chills down my spine.
Maybe I was higher than ten meters off the ground? Maybe 15? I didn't know, but it would be so easy to just jump down now and stop.
My life wasn't livable like that.
I didn't manage to achieve my dreams, to become a doctor, because I was too stupid.
I didn't manage to change for the better. I studied so hard for nothing, I am a failure.
I don't deserve someone who loves me, especially no Jongin-ah.
I have a cheap personality.
If I'd jump now I would surely be dead. I fracture all my bones, maybe rupture one of my arteria, will probably bleed out from the inside.
I would faint, get a shock, my kidneys would stop working once I'd be in the third phase of the shock.
And I would die due to my inner bleedings.
It is not a nice way to go from this world. I could also take barbiturates, back in time they were used as strong sleeping pills, but today you wouldn't get them for that purpose anymore. Barbiturates wouldn't hurt so bad, but I think that I don't deserve a painless way to go.
I swallowed thickly.
I don't think I was thinking properly when I scooted closer to the edge of the roof.
But I remember my last thoughts before I would go from this world.
My first thought went to my family. Maybe they would miss me a little bit, but I doubt that. They would surely be happy, once I am gone.
And my last thought was with Jongin-ah.
The person I actually liked the most. Maybe he would miss me a little bit, since I've been his best friend for forever.
I would miss beautiful smile.
I would miss his thousand thank you's, when he sees that I made chicken for him.
I would miss his arms around my body. I would miss hearing his heartbeat when my head rests on his chest.
I would his miss his warmth, his proximity.
I would miss his cupcake he always brought me on my birthday. I would miss his sweet voice and his even sweeter words.
Please always be happy Jongin-ah.

I took one last breath, silent tears streamed down my face, and then I squeezed my eyes shut, sent a last prayer to God, and . . .