Story Link
Author: xxxAsianPrincess

Writing in blue is text lifted directly from your story to use as examples.
Writing in pink is a suggested correction made by myself.

 

---

Appearance; 3/5

I really like the poster, I thought it was really sweet and well made. It wasn't too crowded but was simple and tastefull. However, the font towards the bottom is quite hard to read, that's all. And the background, after a while of reading your story, started to hurt my eyes. But besides that, great:)

Title; 2/5

To me, I don't like story titles with brackets in. I think it makes it look messy and unprofessional. The title it's self "Jealous Spy" I think is alright, though. I would have done it with a hyphen, maybe or a colon.
eg; Jealous Spy: All Day Long Series 4 / Jealous Spy-All Day Long Series 4

Introduction; 5/10

In all honesty, I didn't feel completely drawn into the story initially, it took me a while to feel comfortable reading it and start to wonder about what could possibly happen next. That may be because I'm not a fan of ZE:A and I felt a little overwhelmed but it wouldn't hurt to have more of an enticing introduction to make sure people don't close the browser like I would have done if I wasn't reviewing.
That being said, after reading a few more chapters, I was pleased I didn't close the browser, but do you see what I mean?

Presentation; 7/10

The description doesn't make sense for me. Are they lyrics? Which is fair enough if they are, it's just that they take up a lot of room in your description with the way it's set out and it's quite small text. I think it's redeemed, though with your cute copyright sign at the bottom! I loved that. I also thought the foreward was good. You stuck to one text colour which was great- my eyes were able to stick to the text and not feel distracted from different fonts and colours all over the place.

Plot; 10/20

Celebrities being next door is a bit cliché and unoriginal, I'm just glad you didn't base a lot of your plot around it. I could kind of predict what was going to happen and it was a bit hard to keep track of what was going on half the time because of how bipolar the main character seemed with Siwan, and the amount of breaking up they did but aside from that, it wasn't too bad.
I liked the fashion-student side of it, it was slightly more creative, especially when you added detail.
I will be honest with you that I didn't particularly like the chapter. I have nothing against rated stories but it wasn't very detailed and I felt it was rushed and unrealistic and frankly unecessary, I think it ruined the plot a little. If you're going to include rated scenes I think you have to take your time to write them correctly. I also felt that the realism continued to decline from there, the random engagement that is. Aside from those issues, the plot was reasonably okay, if a little predictable.

 

Quality; 12/20

I personally don't like reading stories with a "you" point of view. Third person (narrative with a name, not "you") or First person are smoother and easier to read. It's also much easier to get confused and mix up tenses when you write in with a "you" point of view which you have done a few times each chapter. Most of your chapters are written in present tense but sometimes you slip into past. For example in chapter one:

You crossed your arms.
But in the next paragraph:

You shake your head and roll your eyes. Then you continue walking to your apartment.
See how easily you switched? Either or fine, but you have to make sure you stick to one or it can get confusing.

You also use very short sentences which makes the writing style very blunt and chopped up. It can be difficult to read as the sentences have no structure, it doesn't flow as well or run smoothly as it would if you instead mixed up the sentence structures. I'll give you an example:

The wife has a beautiful face with redish-brown hair. She's in a beautiful puffy dress that ends only to her knees. Her bouquet has a bunch of orange flowers.

Whilst I must commend you on using such great description for your story- which is extremely key if you want your reader to invision things correctly- it could flow a lot smoother if you used linking words instead of full stops. You also spelt redish wrong, it should have two d's.

The wife has a beautiful face with reddish-brown hair, and wears a beautiful puffy dress that ends at her knees whilst she holds a bouqet containing many orange flowers.
Do you see what I mean about flow?

Another thing was the fact you use a lot of rhetorical questions which is a bit uncomfortable to read. Questions can be a nice element to change things up in a writing style, but are more effective used in first person and not very often. When a story is in a "you" point of you and so many questions are being fired out- it feels like they're directed at the reader. The reader doesn't know the answer to these questions, that's why they're reading! They want to know the answers just as much as the character, so they're pointless used so often. If you want to provoke thought in the reader's mind without seemingly firing questions at them you could alter it slightly:

Why is Siwan here?

You wonder why Siwan is here.
Sometimes a little change with the questions eases it for the reader.

I'm really pleased that although you used Japanese in the story, you explained it at the end! I do have some issues with when people use a lot of Korean (or in your case, Japanese) words in an English story- it makes no sense to swap languages. So try not to do it too much. But it can be justified when you make sure to explain what it means for those of us who don't understand, so well done! I would say though, that using Korean and Japanese slang in one sentence is a bit much. Eg: Arigatou Oppa

I think your grammar and punctuation is extremely good. Your dialogue is also very well used sometimes, and not too often. The balance between description and dialogue is almost spot on in some places, but in others there's a lot of dialogue so much so that it's almost like reading an IM conversation.

Sometimes your grammar is a little off, though, for example:

You see to look for him.
Doesn't make much sense as "to see" and "to look" are very similar, they aren't both necessary in this sentence.

You make sure to look for him.
It makes a little more sense this way.

I'll just taking my leave now
Is incorrect

I'll just be taking my leave now or I'll just take my leave now
I don't know if it was just an error or not but you should make sure to always proof read your work and use something like microsoft word as not only does it spell check, it checks for grammar errors too.

Try not to use a lot of slang like glomps as a lot of people won't know what that means.
And try to avoid using a lot of "~" because it can seem a bit unprofessional and stop any flow of dialogue. Especially when used one after another: ~~~

You also use a lot of capitals when simple italics would suffice. Example:

To give YOU a ride

To give you a ride.
If you want to put extra emphasis on a word like somebody is saying it with emphasis, italics are more effective than capitals because capitals imply shouting. LIKE SOMEBODY IS SHOUTING AT YOU and it's not always pleasant to read.

Your chapters were all reasonably long which I commend you on, that's always a good thing.

Development; 5/10

It all seemed to happen in a small time frame, which I felt was very unrealistic. However what made up for it was that it was stretched out over the chapters and even though it was a small time frame, when reading it, it was easier to lose that. But the engagement at the end really ruined it for me.

Characters; 6/10

The main character was fairly likable, as was Kyon, although the two did seem a little bipolar and their personalities seemed to sky rocket in varying directions sometimes which is heavily confusing. I was glad you didn't include a lot of all of the ZE:A members as that would have been a large task to do well, seeing as there are many of them. The gradual development of getting to know minor characters like Kwanghee and the two other girls was good and very well done. I also enjoyed watching her open up more to Siwan and the friendship/romance blossoming. 

Overall Enjoyment; 3/10

I wasn't keen to start with but for the purpose of doing a thorough review I continued and found it did get better as I read on, but it's not the sort of story I would find myself reading in my spare time, anyway, but I think you did a great job. After a few chapters I didn't mind it. I think my enjoyment was also decreased by the fact I'm not a fan of ZE:A.

Final Score; 58/100

---

Please don't take offence to any of my reviews or comments, I took a lot of time to read this fic and made a lot of notes which I feel are helpful. I have been completely honest and done my best to make helpful suggestions. Please credit me otherwise I will have done this for nothing which hardly seems fair as it was quite a long story.

Thank you for coming to Sleeping Beauty's Review Shop!